Sasha's 13 Reasons Why
by dorina16able
Summary: In an alternative scenario where Sasha went to Paradis as a spy for Marley, she leaves thirteen letters after her death, explaining the reasons why she ended up siding with the Scouts. Confessions are made, questions are answered and something bigger hangs in the air…a secret plan organized for seven years.
1. The ones who brought me into the world

**A/N: Heyyy, everyone, what's up? I know I haven't posted anything in a while but that's because I've started working on several multi-chapter Attack on Titan stories ;) But, since the third season of the anime has reached its mid-season finale (and what an AMAZING season it is until now), I decided to publish one of these stories before the others follow :) Hope you'll like it.**

 **This fanfic contains MAJOR SPOILERS about the Marley arc of the manga and especially the more recent chapters, so be warned. To those of you who've caught up with the latest one, I don't follow the plot concerning the volunteers and Eren, we take things from Sasha's death (boo-hoo-hoo) and go on from there.**

 **The story is a product of inspiration and specially dedicated to my dear friend, fellow-Attack on Titan fan and fellow-JeanSasha shipper T3lis, who first gave the idea for the plot and has helped me immensely with the development and his ideas (and by dealing with my fangirling craziness, haha), so enjoy the story, my friend :)**

 **And yep, this story will contain shipping feels (JeanxSasha is my OTP, after all, and Isayama RUINED it with that goddamn Chapter 105), so be warned :P**

 **If you haven't watched the Netflix TV series _13 Reasons Why_ , which gave the inspiration for this fic, I highly recommend it, it's amazing, extremely well-written and gives food for thought. If you have seen it...you'll notice the parallels, hehe.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own neither the Attack on Titan universe and characters nor _13 Reasons Why_**

* * *

Jean has to admit that the safe-house Historia has chosen as a temporary residence is almost idyllic. Not very spacious, yet comfortable, accommodated to her needs and with easy access for all those who want to visit her or make sure that everything is going smoothly. As he observes the young Queen now, sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch, surrounded by the woods and the sound of nature, it's like he's filled with a calmness he hasn't felt for a very long time.

"It was nice seeing you, Jean. Greet everyone for me, will you? Tell them you're all welcome to visit whenever you like." She tells him now and attempts to smile at him, although the nineteen-year-old Scout knows she's faking it.

He recalls his earlier thoughts about their peaceful surroundings and he's filled with regrets at the fact that they do little to ease Historia's mood. His blonde friend is in a very delicate situation due to her pregnancy, she'll give birth in approximately a month and these days she's always tired and sullen, with bags under her eyes. Besides, the recent tragedy that has struck the Survey Corps is still weighing down on all of them and the way she avoids the subject and fights against unshed tears speaks volumes.

He feels the familiar burn of anger in him, the one he's been desperately trying to control for what seems like forever. Anger towards everything and everyone that led Historia to this situation, practically forcing her to agree to the infamous plan others made for her and using her in such a way only to satisfy a certain monkey's wish about Titan Powers and royal blood.

 _Did these plans somehow contribute to everything that happened in Marley? Did the first planning of a few years ago create a chain reaction that caused the battle in Liberio…and resulted to a tragedy no one can recover from?_

Jean frantically shakes his head in an attempt to block out these thoughts. He can't allow them to fester, otherwise they'll overwhelm him and eventually destroy him and he can't afford that. Especially not now, with so many open cases. With mourning comrades he needs to comfort, with two Marley kids taken prisoners and with Eren and Zeke purposefully separated until their plan becomes clearer, the last thing he needs is an emotional breakdown. He's Commanding Officer of the Scout Regiment and right now he must appear as composed and practical, not as someone who's on the verge of completely panicking.

"Of course I'll tell them. You stay safe, alright?" He therefore responds to Historia's statement and slightly bows at her. Everyone in the squad treats her with the honor and respect she has earned as Queen, despite her declarations that they're still her friends and don't need to be so formal with her. Still, they do it genuinely to show her how much they appreciate everything she has done during the four years of her reign…and how bad they feel for her current situation, like a hidden guilt towards her no one dares to openly express.

But as he looks at her now as he saddles his horse and gets ready to take his leave, he notices something on her he hasn't noticed before. There's something odd on her, something darker and deeper than her grief for Sasha or her physical and mental exhaustion…like a strange, raw maturity…as if her whole world has been overthrown. The way she barely looks at him, the way she talks to him…it's like right now it's up to him to fix whatever brought her in this state.

 _Nonsense, Jean, she's probably overwhelmed by everything that's happened. Don't reflect your own state on her_ , he mentally says and shakes his head one more time to get a grip on himself. Things are dark enough as they are, he can't get paranoid or make invalid assumptions. _It's not what…what Sasha would want for you either_ , he concludes and takes a deep breath, repeating the words he's been telling himself ever since their return from Marley.

"I'll try to convince the others from the main squad to come too next time, alright?" The young man promises and climbs up the stairs leading to the porch to properly say goodbye. "It will do them good to see you and to stay for a few days in the countryside after…after everything."

At that moment, Friedrich joins them, approaching them with a discrete smile as he exits the house and wanting to give the two friends enough space and time to farewell each other. During these past months, Jean and the rest of the Survey Corps had the chance to properly meet the man Historia chose to be her child's father and, although everything was awkward at first given the circumstances, they quickly learned to be comfortable in his presence. What played a major role in that, Jean thinks now as he nods politely towards him, was the fact that Friedrich never used his position and his acquaintance with the Scouts for his own purposes; quite the contrary, he seems to have taken the task to protect Historia and the baby really seriously.

"Thanks again for the hospitality, Friedrich. I know you're really fed up with us visiting every now and then," Jean makes an attempt to joke and tries to laugh, although only a bitter sound escapes his lips, as if he's forgotten how to laugh altogether.

"Don't worry about it, Jean, I understand that the times are difficult and you need the Queen's advice." The other man nods and shakes the Commanding Officer's hand before giving him a compassionate pat on the shoulder. "And I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but I am honestly sorry for your loss. I didn't know Scout Blouse very well, but she was a remarkable person."

 _More condolences…as if we haven't heard enough of those_ , Jean thinks and sighs, even though he tries not to show anything in front of the other two. Condolences and words of comfort don't mean anything; not to him, not to Connie, not to Sasha's parents, not to anyone…they won't bring the Potato Girl back and sometimes hypocrisy and ulterior motives hide behind pretty words. _Well, at least Friedrich's condolences are honest, not like those of the well-wishers in Wall Sina._

"She was…thank you." He therefore replies, amber eyes travelling from Friedrich to Historia and vice versa. "Take care of yourselves, you two…we will be in touch."

"Jean, wait! Before you go…there's something I need to tell you!" Historia exclaims and grabs the sleeve of Jean's shirt, making him leave a startled gasp since she rarely speaks and moves so urgently, as if she wants to talk to him about a life-or-death matter. "You have to stay strong. You hear me? You have to trust your instincts and stay strong for everything that will follow. Only you can give an answer to all this."

"H-Huh? What do you mean I can give an answer to everything that's to follow?" Jean's eyes widen as he stares at her as if he seriously doubts her mental state. He throws a confused look towards Friedrich, but he only returns sadly the gaze, as if this is something only the Queen needs to tell him."Last time I checked, Historia, the suicidal bastard is considered Humanity's Last Hope to all this mess, everything is a result of his and Zeke's plan, what sort of answers can I give?"

"Just listen to what I say, alright? You are the key to all this. Stay strong, trust your instincts and rely on your memories to approach the matter!" Historia raises her voice slightly, although she quiets immediately and breathes calmly, thinking that stress and loud voices aren't doing any good to her unborn child. "In the end, the memories are what truly matters."

* * *

The ride to the new Headquarters from Historia's new residence normally lasts three weeks, yet Jean pressures his stallion to gallop as fast as it can. With so many things that are open for the Recon Corps and with everyone being so confused and uncertain about the future, he prefers to be back to his comrades as soon as possible to assist with all his strength in this difficult situation. Besides, the quick journey will surely do him good…it will distract him from all negative thoughts, the grief and the anger that have begun to get worse and worse.

 _"_ _Jean, this is destroying you, you know that? With everything that's happening you haven't had the time to mourn for her properly and sooner or later this will break you."_ Armin had told him the day he left for the countryside of Mitras to visit Historia with a worried glance, but Jean had dismissed the matter and said goodbye to his friend with perfect self-control, despite knowing that the smart blond was telling the truth.

 _And then there are these mysterious words…_ The young Commanding Officer contemplates now as he covers the last part of his travel, one week after he left the Queen and her companion; he can already feel the salty smell of the ocean breeze and see the first tents of their camp at the hills, the docks, the few ships at the Scouts' harbor and the impressive building that hosts the main dormitories, the library, the laboratory, the council rooms and the other offices of the elite squad. But today he doesn't admire the team's achievements or the beauty of the place; he has way more serious things in mind and Historia's words before his departure don't leave him alone.

It's not just her words, though, Jean thinks; after all, he could easily explain them in light of the recent events…like a friend's warning to another. Still, his gut tells him there's something else behind the statement that he will be the key to everything and that he has to stay strong…he doesn't know what exactly, but it has to do with Historia's general appearance and behavior…that dark maturity and persistence of hers to pass her message to him.

 _And what the hell did she mean with 'memories are all that matters'?_ Comes the next question and now Jean's eyes are narrowed in concentration and he almost doesn't pay attention to the road anymore. Surely he has developed severe trust issues after all the tragedies and the betrayals, but there are certain people he'll trust with literally anything, including his own life. Historia's comment, though, is as if it's implying that a shocking discovery is awaiting him…so shocking that his trust towards something or someone specific and unexpected will shatter and he'll have to recall his memories with them to face it with composure.

 _You really found the time to act all mysterious, Historia._

He briefly closes his eyes when he ends up at the docks and dismounts his horse before bringing it to the stables. No matter what has happened, no matter his mind that's unable to rest, he's finally surrounded from a familiar environment, near the ocean. It's where his friends of seven years are as well, his comrades who have fought by his sight, his Commander and his Captain…even the ones who have passed away and whom he can't let go, even they are resting here.

"Welcome back, Commanding Officer." He is greeted by Floch after he tends to his horse and exits the stables and he sighs at the sight of the slightly ironic smirk that marks his comrade's face as he mentions his title. Floch has always been strong-headed and repulsive in his opinions and decisions, but the way he speaks in favor of Eren eliminating all Marleyans and of a new Eldian Empire that will crush its enemies has started to really trouble and worry him.

 _As if killing Gabi and Falco will stop everything_ , Jean thinks, recalling the numerous arguments they've had on that matter…an opinion he knows is shared by a great number of Scouts and almost the entire Military Police.

"Hello, Floch, good to be back." He greets the auburn-haired Scout as politely as he can, trying to keep the spirits calm; nervousness isn't helping anyone and yet it's the prevailing emotion between his allies these days. "Did anything urgent happen while I was away?"

"No, just that Zeke has been officially transported to a different hideout so he and Eren can be interrogated safely…apparently our Commander is still cautious about their plan; I've left the reports in your office. And Hanji-san also wanted to know whether you'd want to question Eren yourself sometime."

Jean smiles at these words, grateful at Hanji, who thought that he might want to listen to Eren's story, considering he's the first who blamed the Titan Shifter for Sasha's death. Truth is, though, he doesn't think he's strong enough to endure this process…he's barely holding on anyway and he believes that the sight of the imprisoned suicidal maniac will only trigger the anger he's trying so hard to suppress.

"No, it's…fine for the moment. I'll go check your reports, though, to see if we learned something important."

"Oh, before I forget it, Jean, there's a box in your office. It was already there when I left the reports for you, but I don't know who sent it." Floch informs him before he can enter the Headquarters and Jean turns perplexed towards him; he's familiar with anonymous letters, but this feels like something completely different.

"I swear, if it's one of the Military Police's usual threatening messages again…" He furiously mumbles; it seems that the MPs particularly enjoy sending warnings and threats to the Scouts about the current situation, telling them to hand them over Gabi and Falco for execution and taking the chance now that Historia's less active due to her pregnancy. "Floch, have you seen Connie and Armin?" He wants to know, intending to study the reports and whatever the mysterious box has and then discuss it with his two friends, who will surely give him helpful clues about what it could mean.

"Armin is with Commander Hanji right now, I think they want to examine the abilities of the War Hammer Titan. And Connie…Connie's at the graveyard."

 _Of course he is_ , Jean sighs as he walks across the corridor that leads to his office. Connie spends most of his time in front of Sasha's grave, sometimes with him, sometimes with Mikasa and sometimes all alone, talking to their deceased friend. It's not that Jean blames him, of course he doesn't, a month has passed and yet the wound doesn't close. It's like Sasha's still here somehow, with all of them, and no one, not even the tough and supposedly emotionless Mikasa is able to let her go. _Just like you always said, Potato Girl, you left an impact on the world in your own way_ , he thinks bitterly and closes the heavy wooden door of his office behind him.

The box is the first thing his eyes fall on; in the middle of his desk, just like Floch said. It's made of simple wood, with no decorations on it like he would expect from the wealthy Military Police of Wall Sina. It doesn't seem very old, as if it was recently bought, and yet it looks quite used already…like it was in the possession of various owners before landing to him. Jean carefully lifts it in his hands and leaves a startled gasp at its weight…what the hell is in there? The oddest thing, though, is the sound he hears as he lightly shakes it…soft rustling, the same sound his parchments make when he reads through them.

 _Papers? Secret reports…what on earth…?_

With curiosity and agitation alike, he hesitantly opens it and stares at the stack on envelopes that are stuck in there. Jean carefully takes them out of the box and places them in front of him: the first one has the number **_1_** written in the middle with black ink…the number written messily, as if the person who wrote it had shaky hands at the moment. He goes through all envelopes and notices that there's thirteen of them, each with a black number in the middle.

 _Thirteen messages and with numbers? Was it so important for the sender to be read in this specific order?_ Jean wonders, but then another thought comes in mind as he remembers his earlier observations, about the box looking new and yet used, as if it had multiple owners. _How am I so sure that the sender sent it immediately and that it wasn't one of the previous owners?_

Cold shudders run through his spine, his previous suspicions about Military Police threats completely abandoned. Right now he doesn't even know what to think…it's like his mind is completely blank, unable to form a single guess about what the hell is happening. Even the atmosphere in his office has changed…it's like the sense of some dark mystery has filled the room, the feeling of upcoming changes…and then comes the next question.

 _Did Historia's warning have something to do with this damn box?_

"Only one way to find out, Kirstein." He states aloud as if attempting to encourage himself. With a determined move he opens the envelope with the number **_1_** and takes the two parchments it had.

He recognizes the messy handwriting immediately. Only one person he knew had this trademark way of writing, slightly shaky, trying to make it appear as neat…exactly like she used to change her accent to sound more polite. How many times had he reprimanded her for her handwriting, angrily at first and then teasingly, ruffling her hair whenever she told him that some things couldn't change. And now here he is, about to read a letter—a _series_ of letters—that bear Sasha's very own handwriting.

 _It can't be_ , is his first thought, clearly believing he's going crazy. _It simply can't. Sasha's gone and now I'm receiving some letters she wrote?_

He raises his head from the letter, as if he expects to see her across from him, laughing like she always did when she pulled a successful prank. He pretty much expects everything right now, as the initial denial comes back to bite at him…like he wants to convince himself that Sasha's alive.

 _No! No, no and no, don't even go there! It's bad enough as it is, such thoughts don't help!_

He knows what he has to do. Hell, he knows that the answer to his questions is in the thirteen envelopes in front of him, although he can't predict what he's about to read…some last sweet and funny words Potato Girl wrote to her friends? Or maybe some discoveries she had made that will help the regiment? In any case, it has no sense delaying the inevitable and so he breathes deeply to gain courage and begins.

 _Hi, there. Yes, it's me. Truly me. Alexandra Blouse, better known as Sasha. Scout, former spy, troublemaker, glutton, prankster…you get the concept. Truly, I could just go on and the list would never end. As all of you have surely experienced, people love placing labels on each other, whether they respond to reality or not._

Yes, that does sound like Sasha…a meaningful opinion relayed through a humorous comment about her own labels. It's almost like he's been transported in another time, in a different world, reading letters written by someone who was killed a month ago and whose death he still hasn't accepted. He looks at these first sentences, at Sasha's full name and he can't help but smile…she never mentioned that her name was actually Alexandra…everyone knew and knows her as Sasha, just like that, simply and naturally.

But then he notices a specific phrase and stares confused at it for several moments… _former spy_? Now what's _that_ supposed to mean? Of course, the instincts Sasha had trained as a huntress were extraordinary and had helped them countless times, but Jean can't remember some spying mission the Scouts had sent her to. So what exactly is behind this? Had the regiment ever sent Sasha somewhere as a spy without the squad knowing it?

 _But that can't be, Sasha was always with us during the missions…and she was never away from us for a long time to be considered an undercover spy…Sasha, girl, what on earth is this?_

He knows that it's way too early to make any sorts of speculations; the letters are thirteen after all and surely Sasha gives some explanations later. So he shakes his head to clear his mind and then resumes reading, now truly fearing what he will learn.

 _And before you burn this letter, tear it to pieces, start yelling and asking for help, thinking that you've gone crazy, let's make this clear from the start. It's me. Really me. And no matter how much you wish to ignore me, this time I'm not gonna let you to._

 _Sorry, that came out way angrier than I intended to._

 _But if you read this letter, it means I'm dead. I'm no longer amongst you. To those who cared, I'm really sorry for that. I wish things were different, but they're not and I can't sugarcoat it for you. To those who didn't give a damn about me, well, you'll have to endure me now._

 _Because if you read this letter, this series of letters, it means you're one of the reasons why I betrayed Marley._

"What?" Jean exclaims and the letter falls from his hands as he jumps on his feet, cold sweat running down his face. "Wait a minute… _what_? What the freaking hell…in order to _betray_ Marley, it means…"

Right now he can't even process the previous paragraphs, he only keeps repeating this last sentence, both aloud and mentally, as if saying it again and again will make him believe it. He's sweating and shivering at the same time, he feels like he's going to faint at any moment and he's overwhelmed by so many emotions he can't even define them…right now only questions and assumptions exist, one more farfetched than the other.

 _Sasha…Potato Girl…you were…you were from Marley?! B-But…But…how? How on earth is that possible? What about all these stories from Dauper…your way of speaking…how you stuck to your hunting tradition..? Was it all…was it all made up?_ He just can't stop his trail of thoughts and he has the impression that he has returned to that day four years ago…the day he discovered Reiner and Bertholdt's true identities.

 _No, no, no, absolutely not! You won't go there, Kirstein! No. Way! Keep reading, there's got to be some other explanation. She writes she betrayed Marley…and that this series of letters is…her reasons why? And…wait a minute, I am one of them?_

"If you read this letter, it means I'm dead." Jean picks up the letter again and reads aloud that specific sentence, as if thinking that he'll solve the mystery that way…and the confusion is immediately replaced by the usual sadness and guilt before he rubs his chin. "She knew this would happen to her? She knew or suspected she would die?"

The words Sasha chose are raw, cold, without any attempt to console the reader. Like a calm acceptance of her upcoming fate…like she had made peace with that when she wrote this letter. Like something had happened to her that caused this reaction from her…that made her realize that this would befall her.

 _Oh, I can imagine your reactions right now, your priceless expressions, and I can't help but laugh as I write this. Didn't expect that? Too bad for you. Because this isn't some joke coming from the goofy Potato Girl. Not this time._

 _The rules are very simple._

 _Rule Number One: Read these letters alone. And I mean it. A-l-o-n-e! Got it? This isn't something you can handle while in the presence of other people who'll influence you towards some decision or other. You can do whatever you want after you've finished, but while reading make sure you're alone._

 _Rule Number Two: Pass the message. Or the torch, like a dear friend of mine used to say. You'll understand who you have to send this envelope to next, you're not stupid. Even a certain idiotic suicidal bastard can figure it out. But that's a story for another letter. Point is, you need to pass the letters to the next receiver. And with the way technology has proceeded, it won't be difficult for you to find the person who's next and send this envelope to them._

Well, at least this confirms Jean's suspicions that this box had other owners before reaching him. Apparently Sasha had specific people in mind when she started writing the letters…maybe even a specific order, he can't tell. And judging from the clear imply, it seems that Eren is one of them…although he can't imagine how the hell he could contribute to Sasha's decision.

 _Historia is one of the receivers too!_ He concludes; at the moment it's the only possible explanation for her odd behavior when he saw her and how she looked like a great overthrow had occurred for her. Given what he's reading right now, it totally interprets why she kept telling him that he needs to keep a clear head for everything that's to follow; she'd already received the box…and just as he thinks that, the next speculation is shaped in his mind at the next second.

 _How the hell will we know who is the next receiver? Sasha says it's really simple…maybe it will become more obvious the more we read?_

His head is spinning and he falls heavily back on his seat, like his feet can't hold him anymore. He doesn't understand anything and, no matter how hard he tries to understand the details and deeper meaning in Sasha's words, that revelation has caught him completely off guard and it's like he can't pay attention to anything else. Sasha…their Potato Girl…the one who encouraged and teased everyone and was the light of the Scout Regiment in this messed up world…hailing from Marley…betraying Marley…and leaving behind thirteen letters where she explains her reasons. It's unnerving, it's confusing, it's…it's like it's happening to someone else, not him.

But he needs to continue and he knows that. He can't let go of the letters, dispose them or even figure out who the next receiver is and send the box to them. Now that he's made the start, he can't simply forget what he has read and learnt, not without going crazy. He has to see it through, to the last letter, place the pieces together and hopefully answer the countless doubts and questions that torture him.

 _Need to…well, technically speaking, you needn't do anything. You can burn the letters anyway, dismiss them as a game, hide them and pretend you never read them. After all, why follow a dead girl's rules, right?_

 _I dare you to. Seriously, I dare you to. But don't blame me when you spend the rest of your lives wondering about what could have happened if you had followed a different path in this story._

 _Like I said, you're not gonna get rid of me so easily, people._

"Oh, Sasha, how well you know people." The young man laughs involuntary…Because she truly had predicted how her receivers would react if they put the letters away. And the way she writes…it has that humorous tone Sasha always had, but there's something else in this statement that she won't allow anyone to forget her so easily. There's something sardonic, dark and sly in this sentence…something like her Marleyan side coming to surface.

And only then does Jean realize the double tragic irony of what he said aloud. Not only did he speak fondly of Sasha, like he completely forgot the revelation about her origins, but he also referred to her in the present tense.

"Well, Sasha…you said we won't get rid of you…but that's not the case anyway…no one has gotten rid of you. But all these secrets and the mystery…" He doesn't finish his thought, choosing to proceed with the letter instead. Everything is a mess anyway and right now he doesn't understand anything…at least he can read with the hope to understand more.

 _But enough with the intro. Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone without anyone interrupting you. Take a snack; an omelet preferably or a potato; potatoes can be cooked in so many ways and are excellent snacks. And then relax…while you can._

"Of course, mentioning the damn cook-off after you throw a bomb that would probably destroy Wall Maria. That sounds more like the Sasha I knew and not like the one who would keep her past hidden from those who cared about her."

 _The best way to start a story is at its beginning. And since you're about to learn how exactly I ended up with Marley and how exactly I ended up betraying them, I owe you my own beginning._

 _Literally._

 _You're about to read about my beginning in this world._

 _Mom, Dad, this letter, the first of many, is for you._

 _The beginning is quite common for the people of Marley, right? A weak and fragile girl born in the secluded zones of Liberio that were destined for us inferior Eldian people, eh? Another spawn of the devil, another one who would carry the sins of the past. You kept telling me about the difficulties Mom went through to give birth to me and how I was a squealing baby that got on your nerves for the first months._

 _But since you brought me into the world after so many hardships, why did you consider me responsible for it? You used to tell me how this was only another proof of how worthless we Eldians are and how I had to try even harder to prove myself and rise above that weakness the descendants of the First Titan Ymir were cursed with._

 _Anyway, my point is not to accuse you; after all, I never complained. I only trained harder, tried to excel in every single exercise Dad gave me, to become a fierce fighter, combative and dutiful. I thought that's what I should do, that this was my task, since I was of Eldian birth. I never questioned it, I didn't_ dare _question it, it hadn't even occurred as a thought._

"Sasha was a part of the Marley military! One of the countless Eldian children they recruited for their missions, just like we read in Grisha Jaeger's diaries." Jean states, now so absorbed in what he's reading that he's temporarily set aside the shock of the revelation, focusing on Sasha's descriptions about how her parents prepared her for her official training. And once again the memories invade his mind, as if they're taunting him, not allowing him to fully process everything he's learning.

Sasha never talked much about her family, she talked more about Dauper and the woods that secluded her village from the rest of the world. The only things she had told him about her parents was how her father tutored her in archery and pressured her to contribute to their small community and how her mother taught her to cook and help around the house. And now her back story comes to light…how her Eldian parents were both harsh on her training so she would prove her skills to the Marley forces.

 _Just like my father did with me before I joined the Cadet Corps_ , Jean thinks and then gasps at the realization that he compares his past to Sasha's without taking her true origins into account…as if they're same although they hail from so different backgrounds.

"Damn it, Sasha, as if you leaving us isn't enough, you just had to throw the bomb about you being from Marley, huh?" He groans with frustration, unable to deal with this mess and, simultaneously, unable to stop himself from reading further.

 _And then came the day I left our house to join the Marleyan military. It was another beginning for me, a beginning in a series of all sorts of harsh training, mind tests, exposure and psychological blackmail that would decide which position I would be granted in Marley's forces. Was I capable enough to be granted the greatest honor, to become a Warrior Cadet with the potential to be a Titan Shifter in the future? Or wasn't I good enough and I had to serve the mother nation in another way?_

 _On that day, Mom and Dad, I saw you like I hadn't seen you before. I was only eight years old and instead of the demanding parents who had raised me you were more loving, desperate and kind than you ever were to me._

 _Mom, do you remember how you knelt down to be of equal height with me and hugged me so tightly that I thought I'd stop breathing for a second? You were crying so much that you startled me; after all, I had never seen you cry before, in fact, it was you who always told me that I shouldn't cry because tears are a weakness and make you vulnerable. And yet on that day you cried without stopping, caressed my hair and apologized for oppressing me so much, for forcing me to train so hard and for 'taking my childhood away'. I smiled and hugged you back, you remember? Told you it was okay, that I wasn't angry and that I'd make you proud. You replied you were already so proud of me…it was the first time you said that and I think it was the happiest moment in my short life._

 _As for you, Dad, you were more composed than Mom, but you looked equally guilty. You patted my head and told me I had become everything you hoped for and that I shouldn't change who I was for anyone. That I should stay myself no matter what and that you would always love and support me._

 _And despite the fact that I didn't really know what my true self was like back then, I left with your love in my memory and both of your words in my mind. And every time I doubted my decisions from that point forward, your advice echoed in my head to lead and help me._

 _These words were the beginning of my story as I started my life as a part of Marley's military and then as a cadet in Paradis._

 _These words were basically the beginning of everything._

 _Because I wouldn't let anyone break my spirit and shape me into someone I wasn't. I wouldn't allow anyone to force me to betray and murder people I lived with for so many years._

 _Which is why I communicated with you three years ago, when the special communication devices were invented in Paradis. It was a chance for me to tell you everything and to explain why I did what I did…especially since all these years I feared how you were treated in Marley. You had become the traitor's parents and I was terrified that you were forced to pay the consequences of my choice._

 _But, for one more time, both of you surprised me. Instead of hatred or rage, your answer was filled with pride, love and compassion. You told me there was nothing to forgive and that I had made you proud because I had made my own choice and stayed true to it no matter the obstacles. Mom, you said that you hoped I "used the skills I had been taught for a better purpose". And Dad, you added that "our family did its duty to Marley for years without being acknowledged. It's time for a member of the Blouse family to do her duty to herself."_

 _I only hope that, when the letters reach your hands, you'll be proud of me as well._

Jean sighs as he reaches the end of the first letter and puts it back in its envelope, now with more questions than before. Sasha has really focused on explaining how the receivers of the letters helped her take the decision to betray Marley despite whatever mission her superiors had assigned her, but now it seems that she was already thinking about it from her eight years. She sounded determined to stay herself and not harm anyone if she could…but if she truly resisted against them, how the hell did she end up being their spy? After all, Jean knows too well what Marley does to those who oppose them…so how exactly did Sasha convince them to send her to Paradis, when even her parents had shown regret for oppressing her so much and stayed by her side when she told them everything?

In a sudden, Jean recalls another memory from the recent past…a memory he wishes he could bury, but a memory that seems to answer one of his many questions.

 _Blood, screams, gunshots…a mess surrounding the Survey Corps airship, like a grotesque scene from one of the scary stories Connie loves to narrate._

 _Sasha's lying in the middle, covered in her own blood after that brat shot her…it happened so fast no one could react on time and now she's slowly fading away right in front of Jean and Connie, who watch her with expressions of pure shock and horror, her matted hair creating a halo around her face…struggling with her words, but unnaturally calm._

 _"_ _Guys, please…a box…in my backpack…"_

 _"_ _Shhh, don't talk, Sasha, don't talk, just hold on until we get home and cure you, okay?" Connie pleads her, his voice having a whispery tone, his words a rambling he can't control as he sees his closest friend slipping away from them._

 _"_ _Please! Please, bring it here…it's…it's important…"_

 _"_ _Okay. Okay, I'll bring it." Jean nods and rushes to fetch the box she mentioned, seeing how desperate she is to tell them something about it. It's a heavy box made of wood, with a small piece of paper attached to it, and he notices how Sasha's expression relaxes immediately, a smile appearing on her pale face at its sight._

 _"_ _Listen…" she breathes out and it's obvious to everyone how difficult it is for her to speak right now, "when you guys get back…send it to the address…I've written it on the cover…"_

 _"_ _No, no, no, Sasha, you can send it yourself, you hear me, you're gonna be just fine." Connie rambles again and now Jean hurts for both him and for Sasha as he sits there, completely useless, unable to comfort either of them._

He hadn't paid attention back then, lost as he was in his grief for Sasha's death and his anger towards Eren, Zeke and the two kids. Since Connie wasn't in the position to do anything, he had fulfilled Sasha's wish right after the funeral; he had sent the box to the written address, without even questioning the fact that it was a Marley one. Now, though, as he looks at the thirteen envelopes again, he has no doubt that this is the box of that day…the box Sasha spent her last breaths to talk to them about.

 _The chain started that day…Sasha pleaded us to send the box somewhere in Marley…possibly even to her parents, since the first letter is for them_ , Jean concludes—and just like that, another guess comes in mind. _The order we need to follow to send the letters…is it the order the letters were written?_

* * *

 **A/N: Soo, my friends, that was it for now! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I'd love to read your opinions about it ;) I'll probably post the next chapter next Sunday :D  
**


	2. Unanswered questions

**A/N: Hello, hello, hellooo, how are you, my lovelies? Here's the next chapter like I promised you, hope you'll like it ;) The story will be developed in two ways: in one chapter we'll have Jean read a letter and in the next one we will see how he deals with the new information and the general progress of the plot. A major thank you to those who read, review, follow and favorite the story, it means a lot :D**

 **As always, this story will have SPOILERS about the Marley arc and the recent chapters, so be warned. Also, I apologize to any Eren fans who're reading the plot, but there's gonna be major Eren bashing in this story, don't say I didn't warn you :P**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Oooh, nice, if you ever have the chance to actually watch the show I'd love to learn your opinion ;) And yep, this fandom needs as many Sasha-centered stories, especially given in light of recent events.**

 **papa goge: Thank you so much, glad you liked the start :) I hope you'll enjoy the new chapter as well.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and characters or the plot of the show _13 Reasons Why_**

* * *

A knock on the door lands Jean back to reality, distracting him from the troublesome thoughts and suspicions Sasha's letter created. A part of him wants to send whoever is visiting him to hell; right now he can't have a clear head for anything else except the shocking revelations Sasha made and he's afraid that his confusion will be obvious to everyone, despite his usual tendency to conceal his emotions. On the other hand, though, he knows he can't isolate himself from the rest of the squad; the letters won't disappear, they'll be there later for him to read in privacy, whereas the Scouts are going through a series of urgent matters that need his attention.

"One moment!" He calls out and quickly places the first envelope back in the wooden box, closing it and placing it in a drawer on his desk afterwards, making sure to lock it. After all, the Recon Corps is filled with curious people who would love to look through the documents of their superiors in an attempt to find out more about the current situation…and, judging from Sasha's letter, who's telling him they're not having Marley or Military Police spies amongst them? "Come in."

It turns out that it's Connie and Armin, who enter the office with tired steps and equally tired expressions, Armin still with his notebook, probably from the studying he did with the Commander about Eren's newly gained power. Connie looks even worse, as if he's ready to faint at any moment, and Jean sighs as he motions at them to sit down; since he's staying in the same room with Connie, he knows exactly how badly his friend sleeps lately, waking up many times during the night, often crying and even screaming sometimes. Jean's mind travels him to the box in his drawer and he's filled with dread…how the hell would Connie react if he knew about Sasha's secret?

 _Damn you, Sasha, as if you leaving us isn't enough…did you have to go and tell the truth through some goddamn letters? Did you care about the consequences at all?_ He thinks, as if only now he's starting to process what exactly her first letter revealed.

"Floch said you wanted to see us…something about reports about Zeke?" Armin starts and Jean silently thanks him for focusing on the practical matters; it's a welcome distraction from what he has learnt.

"Yeah, sorry for dragging you here, guys, I know both of you are exhausted."

"Don't feel bad about it…we have to proceed with everything that's going on, right?" Connie states hoarsely and rubs his eyes, either to stop himself from crying or to chase away the sleepiness—hard to tell which of the two, since he looks permanently tired and broken this month. "So, did this ape reveal anything useful?"

"I haven't read the reports yet, but from what I've heard, he remains every bit as smug as he did when he first joined us." The Commanding Officer explains, unwillingly laughing at the other man's comment. After all, Connie's hatred for Zeke hasn't diminished these years and it's logical: alliance or not, no one can simply forget that it was the Beast Titan who turned Connie's family and his entire village into mindless Titans.

 _Wait a second…Zeke spent his entire life in Marley before he joined the warriors in their operation against Paradis. Could it be that…that Sasha knew him from her time there?_

The suspicion comes automatically for him, as if he always had it and Connie's comment simply triggered it and forced it to come to surface. It's like a chain reaction of thoughts and events, like he's realizing that Sasha's secret holds much more than simply her origins. The mere thought that she knew Zeke, the man who pretty much caused all this, and didn't say anything all these years makes Jean almost go ballistic in front of his friends.

 _Sasha, you probably knew the man who destroyed your best friend's family and you stayed silent?_

"From what I can tell, Zeke has mentioned Gabi and Falco at least once, although he considered them miscalculations when we first arrested them." Armin says and Jean blocks everything else to listen to the blond, who is going through the folder with the reports Floch left for him. "Who knows, maybe he plans on including them somehow, since they were members of the Warrior Unit?"

"Either that or maybe he doesn't intend to concern himself with them anymore, especially since Gabi has shown no regret for her actions. We can only say for sure that Zeke is focused on his Secret Plan with Eren and the royal-blooded heir that's on the way—although I still wonder how Historia agreed with this madness." Jean adds and tightens his right hand in a fist, like always when he is stressed, for it's beyond him how the hell Historia agreed to be used in such a way…to limit her own life by inheriting the Beast Titan when Zeke's time comes and, ultimately, to doom her own child to a limited life when she'll pass them this specific Titan Power.

"Yeah, if Zeke wanted a child with royal blood to take his Titan, why the hell didn't he create a family himself? Why include Historia in this cruelty, because she's the Queen?" Connie bellows and even slams his hand on the table. "Who the hell does he think he is, to command us all around like he's the leader or something?"

"Something tells me that Zeke and Eren would proceed with their own plan with or without Historia and her child. At least we prevented this for the moment by separating them; do you have any idea what freeing the Colossal Titans from the walls would do to Paradis and the world?" Armin asks rhetorically, his calm and logical façade now breaking and being replaced by sadness and disappointment, as if he still has trouble believing that all of them are forced to obey to a plan with dubious results.

"I don't want to imagine this…it would probably mean world war that would make the current war seem like a pleasant stroll at the shore." Jean shudders even at the mental image of hundreds, probably thousands, Colossal Titans destroying the walls and marching against Marley and Paradis Island's other enemies.

Things between the island and the other nations are fragile enough as they are after the battle in Liberio—in fact, the Recon Corps has started wondering why Marley hasn't retaliated already. If they had allowed the Secret Plan to unfold…all bridges would be burnt in an instant; not to mention that this would go against the three years of diplomatic approach and alliance with all those who defected from Marley and sought shelter here, as well as the Asian clan.

 _And then everything would be for nothing. The battle would be for nothing…working together with Zeke would be for nothing…the deaths of eight people would be for nothing. Sasha…what the hell did you die for, in the end?_

"Jean? Jean, hey, are you alright?" Connie wants to know, his eyes turning into slits as he observes his friend closely and notices his worn out appearance and the ragged breathing, as if he's on the verge of having a panic attack. Sasha's death hasn't been easy for him and surely all these issues aren't helping. "You spaced out for a moment…are you tired? Want us to stop for the moment?"

"That wouldn't be such a bad idea, actually…right now we don't have many clues in our hands about what Zeke's intentions are." Armin nods in agreement before writing down something else in his notebook. "Captain Levi will return tomorrow from where he took him, so he'll surely have more information to share with us. Jean, do you agree?"

"Yeah…yeah, you're right, I guess. By the way…can I ask you two something else? It doesn't have to do with Zeke, but—"

"Of course!"

"Sure, ask away."

Jean takes a deep breath, preparing himself for what he's about to ask. He hates doing this to his friends, they don't deserve that…but he _needs_ some answer…needs anything they can tell him, anything that can solve at least part of the riddle. Besides, Connie is _definitely_ one of the receivers…so he's meant to read the letters and learn about everything anyway, if he hasn't already.

 _See what you made me do, Sasha? Involving everyone and troubling your best friend to clear this mess you created with that first letter!_

"Guys…had…had Sasha ever told or implied to you that…that she knew or suspected what would happen to her?" He utters the voice aloud and notices immediately how the others react: Connie leaves a gasp, not expecting the question, and Armin narrows his eyebrows, automatically recalling every word he exchanged with the brunette. "Or maybe…some secret she had and wanted to reveal to you?"

"No. Not from what I remember. She had her bad moments, of course, you know, because of her fear, but nothing to the point of precisely knowing she would die. What…What kind of secret are you talking about?" Connie tells him and the blond man next to him nods in agreement, unable to remember anything Sasha said that hinted towards a secret or towards certainty that she wouldn't return from Marley alive.

 _In her letter she said "If you read this, it means I'm dead", meaning that she was almost sure that this would happen. Could it be that she always knew it…from the moment we learned about Marley? And, wait a minute, she didn't even warn Connie?_ Jean mentally freaks out, since he can't understand the logic behind Sasha's actions, if there's any logic at all. A series of letters about why she betrayed Marley, a statement that the chain started due to her death…and she left the one she considered a twin brother without any sort of warning that they would lose her?

"So you never…you never thought that maybe…that maybe she had some sort of information about…about what led to this war between Marley and Paradis."

"What? No, no, of course not. Why would you ask that?" Connie asks and now Jean really feels bad for him and how baffled he looks…as if he hasn't even thought about that possibility. This reaction creates a new trail of questions for Jean, since Connie, who is so spontaneous in his responses, would never be able to lie to him in case he has already read the letters Sasha left behind.

 _So if my theory is right…then Connie is some point after me. Yeah, of course, leave the burden to Jean…how the hell will I explain and stand by his side when he learns about all this?_

"Listen to me. Okay? Just listen." Armin interferes in the exchange between the other two, but now his look isn't calculating anymore; it's sad, friendly and compassionate as he stares at the Commanding Officer and tries to keep his voice calm. "Jean, I know you miss her, I know you're seeking answers…but you have to stop beating yourself up for what happened to her."

"W-What?" Jean stutters, not expecting this comment from his friend, coming as a sudden conclusion he didn't think about while reading the first letter.

"Don't 'what' me, Jean, you know what I'm talking about. I know you blame yourself for Sasha's death, but you can't do this, you hear me? You have to stop asking questions about what could have happened differently, about what _you_ could have done differently and about what detail you didn't notice that led to Sasha being killed."

"Armin is right. And believe me, buddy, I get you. I have questions too, but…you can't let these questions and your guilt torturing you." Connie adds, making Jean look surprised at him; not only does the grief, the recent revelations and the anger create a turmoil in him…but not even _Connie_ is holding him responsible for this tragedy? "Everything happened so fast, Gabi shot Sasha in an instant…there was nothing you could do, not you, not me, not anyone. I miss her too, but…but some things just can't be answered like that, no matter how much we want them to."

 _Oh, but they can, Connie, that's the point. I'm holding the answers and, according to Sasha, not only wasn't I responsible for her death, but I also helped her betray Marley. But…how? And, in the end…how the hell did a former Marley spy die right after the battle in Liberio?_

"Certainly not because _you_ had something to do with it." It's almost as if he can hear Sasha answer in his mind, just like he has on several occasions after her death, sometimes in his dreams, assuring him that nothing was his fault, and sometimes during the day, whispering encouragements when he faces difficult decisions.

Usually her voice in his head calms him, keeps him steady, like she's still there to stand by his side. This time, though, it only adds to his anger and he needs all his self-control in order not to start yelling in front of Connie and Armin.

 _Shut up! Shut up, get out of my head right now! It's your fault, anyway, you have brought me in this point, forcing me to read a series of letters I don't even know what purpose they serve exactly!_

But he doesn't show his despair to the others; quite the contrary, he keeps the tough and seemingly emotionless façade he had when they arrested Gabi and Falco on the Scouts airship…when he calmly replied to Gabi's hysterical threats, the shock due to Sasha being shot numbing his senses and preventing him from unleashing his anger.

"Th-Thanks, you two, I guess I needed to hear that. And you're right, let's stop for now and reexamine the reports tomorrow, when Captain Levi returns." He says with a sigh and stands up, the other two following his example. "Get some rest, both of you have earned it after this troubling month."

"What will you do, Jean?" Connie wants to know as they exit the office together, secretly worried about his friend's busy schedule and all these questions that, despite their advice, will surely haunt him further; after all, Jean visits Sasha's grave as often as he does and today seems to be one of his particularly bad days. Connie wonders whether that's because of Jean's visit to Historia, who always had a close friendship with Sasha…maybe there were some words or memories exchanged that fueled his guilt.

"Oh, I'll go find Hanji-san, there are…several things I need to ask her."

 _I won't simply rely on thirteen letters to find the answers I seek. Before I read further, I will research things myself!_

* * *

He finds the Commander in her own office, her face buried in a pile of parchments, books and reports, the mess on her desk reminding him of Hanji's messy and cheerful character of four years prior, when she was a Squad Leader and a scientist obsessed with Titans and the mystery behind them…before she became Commander Erwin's successor and turned serious and focused. It's almost, Jean thinks as he observes her, as if she tries to prove herself worthy of Erwin trusting her with this position…or as if his death, together with Moblit's passing during the battle in Shiganshina, broke something in her and rendered her unable to joke and ramble about any subject that interests her.

 _No one stayed the same after the war, especially after the revelations about Marley. And some…I guess some of us weren't who they claimed to be in the first place_ , Jean shakes his head in despair, the feeling of disappointment and betrayal eating him and fogging everything else…out of all people, Sasha was the last one he would ever imagine as a spy for Marley. He can't even focus on the fact that she wrote these letters to explain why she _betrayed_ them…the mere fact that Sasha grew up as an Eldian in Marley can't leave him alone.

"Commander Hanji, good afternoon." He greets her with a discrete cough and the military salute; right fist over his heart, left one on his back, maintaining it until she gestures that he is allowed to break it and sit down.

"Welcome back, Jean. Forgive me for not greeting you sooner, I guess these reports absorbed me more than I had thought." She replies with a small smile as she places a parchment on the top of a pile. It's obvious that she's trying not to pressure the matter of Sasha's passing and how Jean's copying with it, although the man hates being treated like some weakling who needs protection. "Did you have a safe journey? How are our Queen, her partner and their little one?"

They exchange information about Historia's condition, as well as Zeke and Eren's interrogations and how they expect Levi's return tomorrow to shed more light on this mess. Hanji asks him personally whether he'd want to question Eren himself, but Jean gives her the same answer he gave Floch: at this moment, he doesn't think that his endurances are strong enough to face Eren and question him about his plans…not to mention that, now he suspects that Eren is one of the receivers of Sasha's letters, his endurances are even weaker.

"Commander Hanji, you are recording everyone who hails from Marley and joins us, is that right?" He dares ask the question he's had in mind for a while now, when the strategic discussion is over. "Do you know whether we have anti-Marley volunteers who had anything to do with their espionage unit?"

For him it's the only way to clear the scenery a bit before proceeding with the rest of the letters. According to Sasha, she was twelve years old when she left for Paradis and it's not impossible, amongst the countless people who defect from Marley and come here, to have someone who has even a faint memory of her. It will help him get some insight on this whole damn mystery…find out more about Sasha's past and how she ended up a spy…maybe even get assurance that she betrayed the aforementioned nation indeed.

Hanji's reaction, though, catches him off guard, since it reminds him of how Historia was when he visited her. Instead of asking him why the sudden interest towards Marley's spies, the Commander sighs and nods…almost as if she expected him to raise this specific issue and Jean starts wondering whether he's truly starting to lose his mind and imagine all sorts of things.

"Jean…may I answer you with a piece of advice?"

"Of course."

"I understand why you're asking this…but believe me, you won't find the answers you seek that way." The older woman sullenly tells him while lowering her gaze, as if she's ashamed that she can't help him more. This choice of words, though, trigger further suspicions for the young man, whose eyes widen as if he can't recognize Hanji anymore.

"Not that way…You know." He whispers, saying it as a statement, not as a question, certain that he's right. "You know what I'm talking about, you know…you know about the letters?" He finishes and the last word comes out so meekly and weakly that Hanji barely hears him…as if he's forgotten her presence for the moment and is lost in his own trance.

 _Mr. and Mrs. Blouse…Quite possibly Historia…Probably Eren...Apparently Hanji…Definitely Connie…and I am the current receiver. Six out of thirteen receivers…Just…Just who else knows? Who else knows the truth or will learn it in the future?_

"Yes, Jean. I know. And, trust me, if I thought that by telling you everything I would make this easier for you, I would have told you already. But this isn't something you can figure out through methodical investigation." Hanji explains, noticing his turmoil and wanting to make her point clear, even though the regrets are reflected on her face. "These letters are the only path towards the answers…and you need to understand. It's crucial."

"Why?! Why is it so important to everyone that I understand what's in these blasted letters?" Jean clenches his teeth together in order not to start yelling in front of his superior; truth be told, though, he feels that his nerves have broken because of everyone's mysterious behavior towards him. "First Historia tells me I'm the key to everything and now you tell me it's crucial I understand? Why specifically me…everyone should be focused on Connie, he's going through so much and you all think _I_ need to understand? Well, I don't understand, I don't understand anything, I don't understand why this is happening and I don't understand how someone I thought I knew for seven years kept such a secret!"

Hanji silently witnesses his angry outburst, her gaze still lowered, as if she fears that she'll reveal everything if she meets the other one's gaze. She only thinks about everything he says and she feels, for the thousandth time, unworthy of the position given to her by Erwin…how on earth can she stay the composed Commander and simultaneously comfort a confused subordinate who reminds her of the scared fifteen-year-old who joined the Recon Corps four years ago?

In the end, she chooses a quieter way, standing up, approaching him and hesitantly placing a hand on his shoulder, causing him to cease talking and take a few deep breaths. The despair she sees on him right now, the feeling of betrayal, the need for answers, is completely natural, but it's not in her hands, not anymore…in this case, it was never in her hands and everything is so fleeting, it will either help their regiment…or sink it once and for all when Marley retaliates for the battle in Liberio.

"Continue reading," she says again softly and briefly squeezes his shoulder before letting go. "It's the only way."

She watches him retreating, his steps tired, yet his face with an angry determination that almost scares her…it wouldn't surprise her if he stayed up all night reading, if only to find some sort of solution.

 _You better come back quickly, Levi…I'm afraid the kids will burn and will need us to help them recover_ , she thinks with a bittersweet smile at the fact that she considers her elite squad 'kids' even years after they joined.

* * *

"Sasha, this whole mess better be worth something!" Jean fumes as he walks up and down in his office, which is now bathed in the warm afternoon sunlight; a tragic irony when compared to how numb and cold he is at the moment and with the wooden box once more on his desk, waiting to be opened.

Despite his anger, though, he has to give Sasha credit; she marked the envelopes with numbers, not with the names of the respective receivers. It's a smart and sly move; should the envelopes have names, everyone would simply read their own letter before giving it to the next one, while now they're pretty much forced to read through all of them until they reach their own and find out who they have to send the box to next. It's a move a very skilled person would make, like a last answer to all those who considered her nothing more than a funny idiot.

"Alright, let's go on."

With a gesture that has something final, he opens the second envelope.

* * *

 **A/N: Sooo, my friends, another chapter has come to an end, hope you liked it :) How did you find Jean's outburst, do you think he's exaggerating or that his reaction is normal given the circumstances? And also, who do you think is our second receiver, hmmm? Well, for that...I guess you have to wait 'till next Sunday to find out, hehehe :P  
**


	3. The misguided one with the right morals

**A/N: Helloooo, my friends, what's up? So, after literally staying up all night working on this fanfiction, I decided to post the new chapter a day earlier :P Hope you'll like it and I have to say, I liked your suggestion concerning the receiver of the second letter...buuut there's a surprise for you, hehe ;)  
**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Noooo, we don't want you to die so soon either! Thank you for the review, glad you liked the chapter :D Yeah, poor Jean-boy is pretty much lost right now, he's mourning and at the same time he's angry, so he doesn't know how to handle all that.**

 **riptidefirebends: Hehehe, weeeelll...I guess you have to read the chapter to find out who the second letter is for ;)**

 **pureunicorntears: Thank you sooo much for the lovely review, I'm so happy you liked it so much this far. And JeanSasha fics is pretty much all I write in the Attack on Titan universe, I love this ship so much :) Well, you'll find out who the receiver is...as for Sasha and Eren interactions, I'll try to include some in flashbacks.**

 **This chapter contains SPOILERS for the Marley arc and Chapter 103, where the flashback takes place (my favorite chapter in this arc, by the way)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe, characters and the _Thirteen Reasons Why_ series, which gave the inspiration for this fanfic.**

* * *

 _Someone can make a difference no matter their age, size, character, abilities and so on. They can make a difference to themselves, their loved ones, the entire world…and no, that's not an exaggeration._

 _So all of you who underestimate children and consider them little fools, open to any sort of manipulation, better change that attitude before it's too late. Before these children realize what you're doing and start resisting against you…because, when that day comes, you will lose, not them. Children are the cleverest observers of all, the strictest judges…they say things as they are without concealing things, without hiding anything because of their fears and insecurities._

 _So, Falco Grice, raise your hand, little one. It's your turn._

"Excuse me, what? What the hell is Falco Grice doing in this series of letters?"

Jean had honestly told himself to calmly proceed with the letters, without asking unanswered questions before discovering what was behind Sasha's secrecy. But, apparently, this is impossible, since the more he reads the more questions find their way to surface. The mention of the young warrior from Marley…the fact that a whole letter is addressed to him…it's like a whole new level of confusion for him. It's like tangible proof that Sasha indeed hailed from Marley and was trained as member of the military forces and that hurts way more than he thought possible.

 _But if Sasha knew Falco…and Falco, as a warrior, knew Zeke…then…then perhaps…she_ did _know him._

His head is spinning at this moment and he wishes he could simply forget everything he's learned…return to the ignorance of a few days prior, when he mourned for Sasha without knowing what dark secrets surrounded her.

It was different when he read the letter addressed to her parents; true, the big revelation had been made there, but he didn't _actually_ know them and their role in all of this. Falco, though, is a different case; Jean has _met_ the kid, interacted with him during the battle and he was the one who arrested and brought him to Zeke after the end of the battle…when Falco was arrested together with Gabi, the person who actually shot Sasha and started this chain.

Life is so ironic…it moves in circles and it seems that everything is connected through invisible threads…connections no one can even imagine and that overwhelm everyone who comes across them.

"But…But how? How the hell _Falco_? Who else from Marley did you know, Sasha? Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie…Gabi herself, maybe?" Jean mumbles as he goes on, now curious to read Sasha's explanations…because the way she addresses the boy is actually endearing, as if she saw in him something more than a capable soldier.

 _And, please, don't get all angry because of the 'little one' term. I'm not using it to underestimate you, like so many people have done. It's rather a nickname coming from someone who admired your skills and wanted to protect you from the cruel world that uses all of you kids as emotionless killers. The same cruel world that raised me with the principles of duty, of obedience and of betraying your enemies without mercy for them. The same world I escaped from, the same world I wish I could save you from._

 _Who knows, maybe I'll manage to do that even now when I don't exist anymore…but we'll see more of that later._

"She knew it. Goddammit, she knew it, her words imply much more than a simple suspicion…she _knew_ she would die sooner or later and that Marley would play a role in her death, otherwise she wouldn't have the box with her when we left for Liberio." Jean shakes his head at the conclusion, remembering how Sasha was on their way to Marley to participate in the battle…she was so focused, so serious, so determined…he had actually teased her about how she didn't throw one of her usual jokes and she had simply replied with a small smile, like she knew more than he did.

 _But then…why didn't you give us a sign? Some vague goodbye words or something? And if you hated Marley so much you wanted to escape…how exactly did you convince them to hire you as a spy?_

"And what on earth does she mean with that last sentence? That maybe she'll save Falco even after her death?" He continues with the questions before going on. "Does it have anything to do with her betraying Marley in general?"

 _Maybe you don't even remember me and I wouldn't blame you, you were far too young when I left Marley to go to Paradis as an undercover spy. Or you only know me through the information your superiors have given you about me…what would that be like, really? Would they mention me as a demon of Paradis, as a traitor, as a double traitor perhaps?_

 _I don't know and I won't try to change your mind—I won't try to manipulate you. After all, a story has so many points of view, so many aspects, you can't really minimize it to only one truth. The only thing I can do is add my own view to your story…to explain to you how you ended up a part of this list._

 _When I enlisted to the Marleyan military you were barely one year old. A curious baby boy that crawled around his house, followed his older brother and explored everything. I had visited you quite a few times thanks to the friendship our parents shared and while they talked about how they would raise us to be proper warriors, I played with you in the garden and laughed at how tiny you were._

Jean smiles tenderly at this description and tries to imagine an eight-year-old Sasha happily playing with a baby boy, having some carefree moments before her departure for the training barracks of the Marley military. It's a warm image, he has to admit…innocent, like a fresh breath in the chaos that drowns all of them…almost like the illusion makes him forget Sasha's origins and remember her as she always was from the moment he met her; cheerful, optimistic and hopeful…before Marley turned her in…whatever they turned her into.

This thought destroys the warmth momentarily spreading through him and brings back the anger and resentment; his hand is balled in such a tight fist that his knuckles have turned white, but now this is the only life-line he has, otherwise he'll succumb to that burning rage.

"Damn it, Sasha, was this your purpose? To destroy all of us through these letters? As if the sadness isn't enough, you just go and talk about your past…what the hell am I supposed to do now?" He says aloud, feeling the same devastation he had felt when he saw her getting shot and when he realized that the wound was so severe the medics couldn't do anything to save her. He had thought his grief, everyone's grief, was pure torture…and then he received this box and the torture worsened.

He wishes he could be strong enough to get rid of the box. To simply throw it away and spare the next receivers the burden of reading the letters. But Sasha's predictions in her first letter were correct; Jean knows too well that this will torment and haunt him even if he tries to forget about it. Not to mention that this isn't like him anyway…he will continue reading them even if it destroys him; especially now, when Sasha implied that maybe she has found a way to rescue Falco from Marley's brainwashing.

In a sudden he realizes that it's pretty much the first time she mentions Marley's methods against the Eldian children in her letters and her promise that she won't follow the nation's example to manipulate Falco's thoughts. It's actually an indirect way, Jean thinks right now, to show her disagreement to everything that's happening there even until this day…and to show that her purpose is simply to present her own point of view.

"But if these letters explain why you betrayed Marley…then…does this mean you won't even defend yourself?" He mumbles before taking the letter in his hand again to proceed.

 _When I left Marley I was twelve years old and you were five, yet you had already joined the training program. It was both your parents' choice and the superiors' ones because they had already seen great potential in you. To be honest, I had noticed it as well, but I don't want to focus on that because a person is so much more than their potential and the expectations others have for them._

 _I remember I was at the train station that would lead me to the harbor where the ship awaited that would take me to the island. My parents weren't allowed to come and see me off because, from the moment you become a warrior, the military and the nation of Marley becomes your family. I was in the company of several commanders who gave me their last orders and who basically threatened me not to mess everything up...without knowing that the messing up was already in motion, but it's not the time to talk about this._

"There it is again! The imply that Sasha had some sort of betrayal or plan in mind from the moment she left for Paradis! The messing up was already in motion…had she already made some sort of moves against Marley? And what does she mean that it's not the time to talk about this? Was she afraid that Falco won't understand since he trained to be a warrior?"

 _Are these implies connected with everyone's persistence that I need to understand?_ Jean doesn't even know where this suspicion comes from, but the more he thinks about it the more logical it sounds. Historia and Hanji's seriousness when they told him how everything depends on him is a sign that something really important is hiding in these letters…something that's vital for him to discover, even though he has no idea what that might be.

"Sasha, not only did you hide the truth from us…but now you continue being all vague? Why? Why are you doing this, how…how does this mystery help us understand? Help _me_ understand?

 _And then in a sudden you made your entrance, a short and innocent five-year-old escorted by his brother and tears running down his face, an expression of pure despair and agony marking him. You jumped into my hug and clung to me, not allowing me to leave, under the angry and despising looks of the other soldiers. You pleaded me not to get killed and to come back alive because I was the only one, beside your brother, who treated you like family in the military._

 _It was the first time since I started my training that someone showed such genuine concern towards me and my fate. Four years of training to be ruthless, cunning and sneaky, four years of being considered a pawn for others to use and a five-year-old boy showed me that allies and friends can be found even in the most peculiar places._

 _This conclusion was the first real lesson I learned as I started my mission and it was an immense help in the years to follow._

"No, Sasha. You didn't fully learn it." Jean comments with a trembling voice because of the anger he's trying to suppress. "Allies and friends are supposed to trust each other…to open up to each other, like you always said I should do. If we really were friends and allies to you, you wouldn't have kept everything a secret…this whole damn mess would have been solved ages ago and maybe you—"

 _And maybe you would still be alive_ , he mentally completes the sentence he doesn't dare to speak out loud, because it will only worsen his current state, as grief battles with betrayal and he doesn't know how to react and which emotion prevails. Instead, he clears his throat and focuses on Sasha's narrations…on a young five-year-old's agony at seeing his friend leave for a dangerous mission…ironically, it's not that much different from the countless times he's said goodbye and wishes of good luck to friends before a battle.

But if Falco himself told Sasha back then that she and his brother were his only family in the military…then it means that the kid didn't fully follow Marley's ways…that he had realized how much their superiors misled them to turn them into dutiful soldiers. Who knows, maybe that's what gave him a place amongst the other receivers of these letters. Jean recalls the brief interactions he had with Falco in Liberio and tries to replace him with a scared five-year-old child who is afraid to lose his friend and stay alone in a strange and strict environment.

The greatest irony is that he can perfectly imagine that and once again he's filled with rage for the inner conflict Sasha has put him through.

 _And when the first people started arriving at Paradis from Marley, defecting from this country of deceit, I didn't forget about you, you know. I started overhearing conversations, asking general questions about the Warrior Unit, learning about your accomplishments. Some described you as a dangerous little soldier, as capable as any adult, who would harm our best Scouts. Others, though, spoke about your high morals that hid behind your every action, how good-natured and kind you were in your everyday life and how you managed to avoid the corruption Marley imposed on the younger people._

 _A misguided child with enough composure in difficult moments and high morals…to be honest, you immediately reminded me of a certain someone upon hearing these words about you. And the memory of the younger you who was devastated the day I left was for me the personification of all children Marley brainwashed intro turning against their fellow-Eldians. So you, Falco, played your own role in my defection. I wanted to honor this memory I had of you…to prove that not all children who fight for Marley are evil…and to show that this corruption and brainwashing of the Warrior Unit needs to stop._

 _I don't know if I'll ever accomplish that, even now, after I'm gone. But you, Falco, you helped me realize that, in the end, the two of us are pretty similar…misguided children who grew up in the wrong environment._

 _I'm sorry I won't keep my promise to return alive. And I'm sorry I'm not able to keep my initial promise not to speak against Marley for your sake. But I seriously hope that, when this letter reaches you, you'll be somehow in the safety of Paradis Island, where some Scouts will look after you without judging who you are._

As he reaches the end of the second letter, Jean can't help but laugh loudly at the last statement and Sasha's strategic mind…wishing for a young warrior cadet of the enemy nation to end up in Paradis. Still, he has to admit she's right; Falco may be a prisoner of war in Wall Sina, but his cooperative behavior in the interrogations and the fact that he pushed Gabi away when she and Jean tried to shoot each other, saving both of their lives, has made some Scouts see him more sympathetically than his murderous comrade.

Misguided children…somehow he can agree with the term Sasha used for herself and for the little one, even though he can't imagine who she's comparing him to. Children who were used as pawns by their commanders, eventually messed up and trapped in this dark hole of wanting to stay loyal to their nation and wanting to do the right thing at the same time.

"Now hold on a minute, Kirstein, you start sounding as if you pity them!"

The memory comes automatically and Jean doesn't even try to suppress it this time. It's like his mind is creating ways to help him find more answers to this mess…answers that come from the past, though, and not from the current situation. It faintly reminds him of something Historia said about memories…although he can't remember what exactly, as he is once more transferred to the battle in Liberio, when he was one step before eliminating the Cart Titan.

 _"_ _Good timing, Jean, thanks. And good job." Sasha states while trying to regain her normal breathing as she stares at the form of the Cart Titan several feet below, on the ground, unable to move or even to activate the regeneration and healing process. She checks her rifle for bullets, since she used several on the soldiers inside the Titan's artillery, and sighs with relief at the fact that she still has some left._

 _"_ _You too, Sasha." Jean nods and briefly pats her shoulder as his squad assembles around them, Thunder Spears in hand, ready and determined to finish both the Titan and its Shifter. He can see Sasha's reluctance and dismay for having to eliminate a person in cold blood; hell, he shares said dismay, but they both know there's no other way…it's something they talked about with Connie four years ago, when it became clear that they would be fighting humans and not only Titans._

 _"_ _Hurry up! Deal the finishing blow!" He therefore commands his squad and his comrades hastily obey, hovering above the air with their Maneuver Gears, obviously excited that they're about to kill a Titan._

 _"_ _Don't shoot! Please, stop!" A shrill, pleading voice echoes in the chaos and they spot, with curses and startled gasps, a short, blond boy running towards them, stopping right next to the Cart Titan—as if the specific Titan Shifter is a friend of his._

 _The sight of the desperate minor and its innocent voice begging for someone else's life stops Jean right where he is, hovering above the ground, ready to strike. He suddenly finds himself unable to continue…he knows he has to, but he can't, not when that boy stares like that at him…as if he'll owe him big time if he spares this Titan's life._

 _Only minutes later, when both the boy and the young girl who transformed into the aforementioned Titan manage to escape, Jean finds himself wondering whether he accidentally missed the shot and failed to kill the girl or whether he did it on purpose; involuntarily, but on purpose nonetheless._

 _"_ _I think both of us know the answer to that, Jean. Deep down you know it too." Sasha tells him with a serious expression, yet without judging him whether he did the right or the wrong thing…although something in the way she looks at him makes him believe that she approves of his decision._

 _"_ _I guess we'll never know…and right now we can't dwell on it further. Come on, let's return to the battle." He replies, avoiding giving her a more specific answer, and she nods in agreement before calling out to Connie at the rooftop nearby, their friend quickly following them._

As Jean replays the scene in his mind, Sasha's words and the risk Falco took for his friend's sake, a sudden realization comes in mind. From where he was, the boy had a clear view of everyone surrounding them…could it be that he recognized Sasha in all the mess? Could his pleas not to kill the Cart Titan—Pieck, as she is called—be addressed to Sasha specifically, for the sake of their friendship and silent alliance when she was in Marley?

"No, no, no, don't be ridiculous, Jean!" He barks aloud at his silly thoughts. "Sasha has changed in these seven years and Falco was only five years old when she left Marley, there's no way he could recognize her! And he would call her a traitor anyway!"

Still, is it possible? According to Sasha's letter, Falco's morals and good-hearted character is recognized even by those who defected from Marley and joined the Survey Corps. Could it be that, amongst those who hesitated to kill Pieck, something on Sasha reminded the boy of his old friend?

Jean needs to make this clear before he proceeds…especially since Falco is now a prisoner with an uncertain future; the more he learns the better he can speak his mind when his trial comes. Besides, as Sasha herself stated in her letter, she only presented her own experience with Falco and how he helped her in her decision. To clear the scenery, he needs to ask someone else about him…someone who met Falco while acting as undercover bait…no matter how unpleasant this visit is for him.

"Well, Commander Hanji, I think I'll use the permission you gave me and pay a visit to our resident suicidal bastard."

* * *

 **A/N: Sooo, another chapter has come to an end, my friends, hope you enjoyed it. How did you find Falco's role in our story? I personally adore the kid, he's making his way to my top ten characters and I can't wait to see his role in the next manga chapters :) Next chapter will be up in a week :D  
**


	4. A choice with no regrets

**A/N: Hello, hello, and welcome to another chapter, hope you'll like it :) So, the first showdown between Jean and Eren is here, so be prepared for A LOT of Eren bashing (because, after reading the latest chapters, I seriously believe that Eren has lost his humanity).**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Glad you liked it, hope you'll enjoy the new chapter as well :D**

 **pureunicorntears: Hahaha, yeah, I can imagine Falco being the second receiver would be a shock to you, but when I was making the list of potential receivers, I really wanted him to be a part of the story :) Oooh, Jean will DEFINITELY ask him that, my friend, I can promise you that ;)**

 **This fic contains SPOILERS for the Attack on Titan manga series and especially the Marley arc, so be warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Attack on Titan universe and the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which gave the inspiration for this fic.**

* * *

Armin had said once that he can't imagine people behind bars, shackled and treated as criminals, whether they were guilty or not. It was the period of time after the battle of Trost, when Eren was being held captured and a great conflict had started about whether he'd be imprisoned and eventually executed by the Military Police or put under the Scout Regiment's responsibility. Jean hadn't paid attention to his words back then, lost in his mourning for Marco and trying to find the courage to do the right thing and join the Recon Corps for the sake of humanity.

Yet these words keep repeating themselves in Jean's mind as he walks down the stairs that lead to the dungeons, his expression not betraying any of the dilemmas and the turmoil he's going through, although his hands are shaking lightly at the prospect of seeing Eren after such a long time…the very same person he held responsible for Sasha's death and accused mere moments after Connie's announcement that she had succumbed to her wound.

But the weirdest thing is that he still supports this opinion…the letters and everything Sasha has revealed until now about her dark past haven't changed this. As his thoughts circle around Sasha, Eren, Falco, Gabi and the events in Liberio, he's more and more certain about this; anger or not, he still believes that Eren has the biggest responsibility for the actions that led to Sasha's murder, even though it was Gabi who pulled the trigger.

 _And why the hell should you think differently on this matter, huh?_ He mentally scolds himself and unlocks the heavy door to the corridor that crosses the cells. _You're confused and furious and feel betrayed, but this doesn't change the fact that Eren's suicidal actions dragged us all in Marley._

The atmosphere in the dungeons is dark and threatening, the torches doing little to break the morbid and horrifying feeling that overwhelms him. Despite the fact that it's barely been two years since they started using the building as Headquarters, the dungeons give the impression of being hundreds of years old, with bloody histories written on the cold stone walls; or is it his current state that toys with his mind and makes him see the environment around him more terrifying than it actually is?

His eyes travel towards the first occupied cell and he briefly stops in front of the iron bars that separate him from Reiner Braun, who's sitting with his back against the wall, eyes staring in front of him, although the way he slightly flinches indicates that Jean's presence has alerted him. The blond warrior hasn't said much since his capture during the battle in Marley, when he fought in his Titan form against Eren and Mikasa blew his nape open within minutes, allowing the Scouts to retrieve him. His behavior has changed from the messed up guy Jean remembers; he hasn't rambled once about how humanity deserves to be eliminated and how he served a noble goal under Marley's orders. Not that he's become a supporter of the Recon Corps all of a sudden, but Sasha's death at the hands of his own cousin has rendered him silent and guilty…and Jean doesn't know whether it's due to the tragedy itself or due to the fact that a family member killed someone he knew for years.

 _It's weird how time can distance you from things and allow you to see them clearer,_ he thinks as he walks away from Reiner's cell and continues down the corridor. _Four years ago I hated Reiner for his betrayal and attacked him in Shiganshina despite the fact that he was someone I considered a friend. And yet now…after learning about how he ended up switching between warrior and soldier…it's like I can't even pretend to hate him…like I'm frozen._

"Oh, but you're doing it again right now," his Sasha-like inner voice echoes in his head, soft and whispery, like a presence in the back of his mind to eat at him. "All this anger and rage, although you've only read two letters and don't know the whole story…it's like a repetition of four years ago, don't you think?"

Lost as he is in thoughts about the meeting, Jean doesn't even have the strength to tell the voice to shut up and leave him alone this time. He just sighs and mentally braces himself while climbing down a second staircase and ending at the very heart of the building: its most underground part, where no voices from outside or even the corridor above can reach…preventing its current occupant from transforming into a Titan.

Eren is standing in front of the small mirror, his palms resting on the sink and he's looking at his reflection so darkly and furiously as if the glass has committed a horrible crime against him. He has such a grim expression and blank gaze that Jean recalls what Hanji reported them: that Eren threatened her with his Warhammer Titan power, saying that imprisoning him has no sense since he can escape any time thanks to his new ability. What point have they reached, Jean wonders as he contemplates about how he should start…the boy who started as a determined and reckless soldier, who continued as humanity's hope, ending up using his skills to blackmail the Commander after the events in Marley.

 _And to think that he appeared guilty and devastated when Connie announced us that Sasha passed away…that he even dared ask about her final words_ , he concludes and he doesn't know whether he wants to burst out laughing at the tragic irony of the situation or physically attack the man across from him.

 _The door that separates the room where Eren and Zeke are being held from the main room of the Scouts' blimp opens slowly, as if the one joining them doesn't want to come in but has no other choice. A few moments later Connie enters, tears running down his face, a distraught and shocked expression and walking so slowly and tiredly as if he's one step before fainting. Jean knows that he wants to inform them about Sasha's condition and so he turns slightly towards him, not wanting to leave the two Marley kids out of his sight._

 _To think that one of these brats shot Sasha in an instant…that the Beast Titan is only a few feet away from him, alive and regenerating, while Sasha's dying in the next room…Jean shakes his head to block these thoughts, since deep down he knows what's coming…so his grip around the two children tightens as he silently waits for his friend to speak._

 _"…_ _Sasha…is dead."_

 _Jean thought he was prepared to hear this, from the moment the two medics tending to Sasha showed that there was nothing they could do; it was a lethal wound, the shot had found a vital point and they didn't have the necessary equipment to cure her. And yet he finds out that said inner preparation means absolutely nothing as he hears the words and feels like actually shattering…fighting with tears as he turns abruptly to Connie, silently begging him to say that he's lying…and at the same time knowing that this isn't a lie._

 _But things are meant to become even worse because the sound of Mikasa and Armin crying and screaming reaches the room, making everyone shudder at the yells of raw anguish and mourning, especially since no one thought Mikasa would ever express her emotions so spontaneously and desperately. Still, after seven years of being roommates and comrades with Sasha, the only girls in the main squad of the regiment after Historia's coronation…for her it's like she just lost another family member._

 _"…_ _Eh…?" Hanji stutters, having lost all the combativeness she displayed a few minutes ago when she was scolding Eren, now taken aback by the news of Sasha passing away because of the vengeful girl in front of her. Levi doesn't say anything, but the way he frowns and lowers his head shows clearly his inner anger and sadness for the loss of another subordinate._

 _"_ _Connie…Did Sasha…say anything before she died?"_

 _Eren's question breaks the fog that's clouding Jean's mind and for a moment he wants to yell at him for his audacity to ask this specific thing to someone who's lost his closest friend…Can't he see that Connie's barely holding on, is he so blind to the others' pain?_

 _"_ _She said…'meat'."_

 _A weird noise that almost sounds like laughter escapes Eren's mouth at Connie's answer…a sound Jean can't interpret while he tries to cope with this tragedy and the fact that Sasha stayed so loyal to her character in her last moments …that she died with Connie, Mikasa and Armin by her side and thinking about a warm meal. The Commanding Officer thinks about the mysterious wooden box Sasha pleaded them to send to the address she wrote upon her return…her despair while asking this, right before asking for supper…the box that's now safely placed in his backpack, ready to be given to its destined receiver; because Jean's planning on honoring Sasha's wish although he has no idea what this box has._

 _Not that Eren deserves to learn about the box, though, and he's glad Connie didn't mention it either. He observes the Titan Shifter now, without even paying attention to Zeke; he's focused on Eren and how everyone's standing around him: Levi, Hanji, Connie and himself, with the two children from Marley. Everyone's looking with disappointment and even hatred in their eyes; even the kids, although for their own reasons…in fact, right now Eren's giving the impression that he's on trial._

 _Not to mention that this laughter-like sound he left earlier still rings in his ears; a crazed noise he has no idea what the hell it means and what was going through Eren's head._

 _"_ _Eren…" Jean utters through his devastation; his voice hoarse and broken. Right now he can't feel or express anything, not anger, not grief, not anything…he just speaks blankly, being completely frozen, like Sasha's death has taken away every bit of determination he had. "You do realize Sasha died because you got the Survey Corps involved in all this mess…right?"_

Eren hadn't replied back then; he had only lowered his head and left that odd sound once more, like he silently agreed with Jean and considered himself responsible. He should have realized that this wouldn't last for long and that, as soon as Eren got over the first shock, he would return to his usual stubborn self and talk about eliminating all of Paradis's enemies; hell, as he's staring at him right now, Jean can almost see the irritating twelve-year-old boy he met the day he started his military training, the one who rambled about killing all the Titans and who rushed into actions without a solid plan.

"I knew you would eventually come here." Much to Jean's surprise, Eren is the one who breaks the silence first, talking with a calm, slow voice and without even turning to look at the other man…as if he has to explain something obvious to an ignorant person and as if Jean's unworthy of his time. "You just can't drop the opportunity to call me reckless and talk about justice, right?"

 _Are you freaking kidding me, Eren? I basically accused you for Sasha's death and you continue talking like there's no big deal? Or have you already read the letters and think that it has no sense feeling guilty for her…think that, maybe, she got what she deserved, huh?_

"I have many things to tell you about justice…about the battle in Marley and everything that's happened afterwards, but now is not the time."

"I know. I sensed it that this is not your intention; after all, why would you choose today of all days to come and talk about Marley when you've avoided it for a month?" Eren comments, still with that quiet, calm voice that only infuriates Jean even more; he is practically a mess, how the hell can Eren talk about the letters as if he doesn't care? "So, in which letter are you?"

 _He's already read them_ , the Commanding Officer confirms his initial suspicions, although he has more questions about the order Sasha picked for her letters and the reasons behind it. _The first ones concern her parents and Falco…sometime before me there's Hanji-san and, apparently, Eren…Connie hasn't showed any signs of knowing anything, so he's after me…Where do I stand in these series, Sasha?_

"I just finished the second one. Falco's." He replies in the end, trying to imitate Eren's voice and stay calm and supposedly indifferent, although his entire existence urges him to bombard him with the questions he has in mind. "Received the box only a couple of hours ago, when I returned from Historia's hideout."

"And you interrupted your reading from the second letter to come here? You're slow, Jean…When I got the letters I finished them in a few hours."

"I'm sure it's nice to have a lot of time for yourself in here. Too bad that the rest of us are in a frenzy to sort out the mess that came up after the battle in Liberio. As you understand, I have other things to take care of as well." Jean scoffs and he doesn't know where the hell he finds the self-control and doesn't start yelling at the passive prisoner, who speaks about something as crucial and messed up as these letters with such irony and despise.

The Survey Corps face internal and external conflicts right now, they have to deal with shocking revelations, with losing comrades dear to them, with the threat of Marley retaliating…Historia's about to give birth to her heir…the Military Police gets on their nerves about Gabi and Falco's fate…and during all this Eren is here in his cell doing nothing but insult and blackmail the others.

"Anyway, I'm not here to talk about said mess, this can wait. I'm here to talk about Falco. You mentioned him in your letters, said he was a useful and kind-hearted informant, but I want your opinion on his character, not his potential." He continues, wanting to jump to the main issue as fast as possible, unable to look at Eren much longer…he reminds him so much of the recent tragedy that he simply can't deal with it longer than it's necessary.

As he finishes his sentence, though, he recalls what Sasha said in her second letter…about the fact that people are more than just potential and expectations. And he has to admit, the words he just said are inspired by this…it's tragic, it's ironic and it's amusing; even after dying, even after enraging him with her revelations, she still has some kind of influence on him and his opinions.

And at the same time, the one he considered responsible for her getting murdered, the one he _still_ considers responsible for her getting murdered, is right across from him, with three Titan powers and speaking so casually as if he's talking about the weather.

"On Falco's character, Jean? Really? I'm disappointed, I thought you could do better than that." Eren laughs sarcastically and, for the first time since their discussion started, he locks eyes with Jean, his gaze ironic, calculating, almost manipulative. "You're trying to find out whether Sasha's telling the truth in his letter, eh? You can't believe what she said about her origins and so you find a way to tell yourself that the girl you thought you knew isn't lost. It's not information you want, it's reassurance for everything she's writing."

"You didn't answer my question." Jean tells him strictly, emotionlessly, without indicating whether Eren's right or not, but deep down the other's statement has brought him before a surprise. He's so angry at what he has read so far…and yet, as he hears Eren saying that, he has the instinctive urge to disagree with him, to tell him that he's out of his mind.

And then it hits him…is Eren seriously trying to sway his opinion by turning it all upside down? Does he think that this will be enough for Jean to openly accuse Sasha as a traitor to Paradis? Is _Eren_ , of all people, blaming him for clinging to the past and not accepting the truth?

 _And what the hell is the truth, anyway? Who makes it, who denies it? It's all a circle of stories and points of views_ , he says to himself and he can't believe that, right now, he's actually agreeing with Sasha's words, who made clear to Falco that she wants to give him her own point of view and not manipulate him towards one opinion or the other.

"Oh, you are right. My apologies…Commanding Officer, is it?"

 _Really now, Eren? Are you seriously playing with the ranks now?_ At this moment Jean can't prevent himself from smirking ironically, genuinely impressed by the other's nerve to imply that he is forced to answer him only because of his rank…especially since Jean has said and proved with his actions multiple times that respect can't be won only because of someone's rank and role in the military.

A memory tries to slip into his mind as he's thinking about his next words…it's already engulfing him, wanting to distract him from his cold surroundings. A memory of an old hideout…keeping watch…the sun setting behind the hills, painting everything in red, yellow and warm orange colors, like a fake illusion of safety. Two watchtowers, green cloaks, rifles, a bow and a quiver filled with arrows. Teasing comments between two friends…and a girl's spontaneous, yet persistent assurance that she had found the leader she always imagined.

He shakes his head violently, not allowing the memory to take form in his mind and further weaken his already weak endurances, especially now that he has to be more focused because of the suicidal maniac's comments. It's weird, though, how Sasha's presence is oddly lingering around the damp walls more evident than ever during this month, as if seeing Eren has triggered something in his head that forces more and more images and memories…like he's truly trying to cling on these memories of her in order not to snap at the man in the cell.

"Why the hell did you laugh?" He quickly changes the subject, recalling the sound Eren left when he learned about Sasha's last word and the discussions it caused with his friends. "When Sasha died…What made you laugh, Eren? What was going through your head at the moment?"

He sighs, remembering an evening when he and his friends were gathered to talk about the difficult situation, when Connie mentioned this laughter to Armin and Mikasa, who hadn't witnessed it themselves. His friend had directly asked Mikasa what was so funny in Sasha's death that made Eren laugh, thinking that the black-haired woman would know the answer…but even Mikasa was shocked at the revelation. Not that Jean necessarily believed that Eren's laughter was due to something funny he had thought about…but it was so messed up, so shocking to hear under these circumstances, that he didn't know what to think anymore.

"Why, Eren?" He repeats, now despair slipping through the emotionless mask and coloring his voice, although he takes a deep breath to control himself; if he loses it now, everything is lost and he won't have the strength to continue.

"Heh, will you believe me if I tell you? You all consider me a liar already…someone who went behind your backs for his own selfish plans, why would you believe what I say?"

"If being all ironic makes you feel better, Eren, then by all means feel free to continue." Jean says with a sharp gaze and an equally sharp tone in his voice, now barely containing his anger because Eren really isn't helping himself with his unwillingness to give him a reply. "I didn't come here for this, though. Answer this question, only this one. Do you have any regrets at all? About leaving for Marley on your own, about all this damn chaos…?"

"What on earth is that? A test?"

"It's your honesty I'm testing, Eren. For I know the answer only too well. You wouldn't change a thing, even if you had the chance to turn back time and even if you knew the consequences."

"And look at you, all high and mighty talking about justice and consequences. Just like Hanji and all the others, as if I'm some sort of villain who brought this upon you." Eren answers and now he has something dark and dangerous, like he's one step before unleashing his Titan powers. "I have to fight, even when no one else will. It was the right thing to do. And if you think it's justice to keep me imprisoned here while we had a Marley spy between us for seven years…

"Oh, and something else," he adds and turns away again, once more looking at his reflection in the mirror, his eyes blank again, like a sign that this conversation is over for him. "You may think what you want…but you're not as noble as she claims."

 _Huh?_

 _Excuse me?_

 _What the hell is he talking about?_

 _'_ _As she claims'? But I never considered myself some noble hero or valiant leader…but Eren has read the letters, so…does it mean that this despise has something to do with my letter?_

 _Sasha…what did you write? What's my role in all of this?_

But he won't do Eren the favor to show him his thoughts. Not Eren, not when he's so obviously declared that he doesn't regret anything. Not Eren, who, in his eyes, is still the main responsible one for the deaths of eight Scouts during the battle—and Jean doesn't even want to start contemplating the fact that he still includes Sasha in the Scouts even after what he has learned. After all, it seems as if the Titan Shifter in his cell has already forgotten the friendship with Sasha and is focusing on her identity as a spy…and, resentment or not, right now agreeing with him won't help him understand anything.

"If I'm not as noble as she claims…then I'm really curious to see what she claims about you, Eren." Is the only thing he says before silently leaving the cell without any conclusions and without sparing him a last look.

 _Four years since we enlisted to the Recon Corps and he's still every bit the reckless rebel he was as a fifteen-year-old._

* * *

On his way to his office he is greeted by Connie, who's heading towards the same direction. During his walk here he has mentally prepared himself and now he is ready to continue with Sasha's letters even if it takes him the whole night. It's weird, but after his conversation with Eren and the latter's unwillingness to tell him anything, it's like he's ready to proceed without asking anyone about more information…like he's ready to read the rest of the letters with a more open mind and to rely on them to find the answers he so desperately needs. Who knows, maybe it's even Falco's letter and Sasha's message towards the little one who influenced him in such a way…she was talking so gently, not what he would expect from a trained Marley spy…and an honest smile appears on his face at the prospect that Sasha's kindness all these years wasn't a pretended one.

"Jean, hey, where are you heading? It's time for dinner, didn't you notice the time?" Connie wants to know and Jean's smile unwillingly widens; ever since Sasha died and despite his own mourning, Connie constantly looks after the elite squad of the Survey Corps and makes sure that they eat well. It's a kind gesture that reminds everyone so much of the Potato Girl that everyone is saying how the two pranksters were indeed like twins.

"Thanks, Connie, but I'm not really in the mood, I…I still have a lot of work to do."

"You can't work so many hours without eating, you moron, or do you want to fall down from exhaustion? Come on, follow me, everyone's gathered already…it will do you good to relax before you continue."

Connie doesn't say anything else, but the unspoken _If Sasha were here she'd give you the scolding you deserve for not looking after yourself_ is clearly heard between them; they both know that these concerned and seemingly teasing comments are nothing more than an attempt to bring back the normalcy they lost when Sasha died, now that her laughter and happy chattering won't ever be heard in the mess hall or anywhere else again.

They're chasing ghosts, suffering on their own without bursting out and it's clear that sooner or later this will turn back to them.

"Ah, here you are you two. At ease, at ease." Hanji's voice joins them, stopping them from saluting and breaking the sad silence that started to enter their discussion. "Hurry to the mess hall, both of you, all your comrades are there and I have an important announcement to make to you after dinner. We have news from Wall Sina."

* * *

 **A/N: Concerning Eren's laughter-like sound, it kinda reminded me of how he reacted when Hannes died, a crazed sound of despair, but with the way it was illustrated it really seemed to me that Eren laughed because of the memory Sasha's last word ('meat') triggered in him...although it's normal for Connie and, eventually, Jean to be confused in the state they are in. Also, Eren saying that Jean is not as noble as Sasha claims was inspired by the _13 Reasons Why_ episode where Justin Foley says to Clay "You're not that innocent, Jensen, I don't give a shit what she [Hannah] says!"  
**

 **Anyway, hope you liked the chapter and, as always, the next one will be posted next weekend. :)**


	5. The one who could betray us all

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies, how are you? Another chapter is here, another letter in Sasha's 'reasons why'...the third one, can you guess who it is? Hope you'll like the chapter and, as always, a massive thank you to all those who read, review, follow and favorite :D Also, something I forgot to mention in last chapter's A/N...yep, Reiner Braun is back, ladies and gentlemen! I changed the plot from the canon for the sake of the story...you'll understand why, hehe ;)**

 **Lieutenant Myst: I have to warn you, my friend, "so many questions and too little answers" sums up this fic perfectly...we have to find the answers together with poor confused Jean. I'm so happy you liked the chapter...hmmm, Historia giving birth, eh? Let's say that the Scouts _will_ receive this news too...just not in this chapter.**

 **The fanfic contains MAJOR SPOILERS about the manga series and especially the Marley Arc, so be warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Attack on Titan universe and characters, nor the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series.**

* * *

Dinner passes by rather quietly, with some hushed conversations between the new recruits of the Scout Regiment, while the elite squad is sitting at a table in the corner, eating slowly and without the usual banters and laughter they used to exchange. Gone are the teasing comments, the bickerings when Sasha and Connie playfully fought for the leftovers and Jean scolded them for being gluttonous idiots, the intent conversations about the future of the regiment and the exaggerating pep talks about how they would become heroes; now empty shells and shadows have replaced the young soldiers who are so combative in battle, yet now they have lost all determination and willingness to be strong.

It feels all kinds of wrong and they can all sense it…that invisible void, the persistent impression of something being incomplete, like climbing up a staircase and finding that there's a step missing…the haunting sensation that they're all hanging in the air, with nothing to balance them. It becomes even more intense with every sad glance they exchange or when they utter a few quiet words; and although Connie's sitting between Armin and Jean, it still feels like there's an empty seat next to him, something that can't be replaced or they can get used to.

 _How have we reached this point_ , Jean thinks as he slowly takes a bite of his stew, eating more in order to keep himself busy and less because he's actually hungry. The emptiness that has been overwhelming him for a month now has worsened because of his conversation with Eren, not to mention that Falco's letter has left a confusion and a sudden tranquility in him. Sasha's words were so tender when addressing the little one, like she intentionally chose to focus on the boy's good side…and yet her dismay at Marley's methods was equally clear as she expressed her hope to free Falco from this vicious circle of manipulation.

It's an unprecedented inner battle, one he doesn't know how to deal with, but right now he's so drained that he can't even get angry at Sasha for troubling him so much.

"Guys, stay here after dinner and when everyone else has left, Commander Hanji wants to talk to us," he informs the others instead, preferring them to talk about the current matters than this heavy silence that's glued on them these days and doesn't let them go. "Apparently we have news from Wall Sina."

"H-Huh? Wall Sina?" Armin repeats startled and looks up from his plate while Mikasa's eyes widen in surprise despite her staying expressionless, surely afraid that the news concern Eren somehow. "Did she tell you what about, Jean?"

"We have so many issues there anyway, probably it's about all of them." Floch adds grumpily, evoking several disapproving sighs and eye rolls from his comrades, since his constant complaining has become tiring. "While our main focus should be on eliminating Marley once and for all…"

"You don't think something's wrong with Historia, right? I mean, the Military Police has taken her pregnancy pretty badly already, who knows what they'll do against her." Connie speculates with a dark expression, since everyone knows that the MPs are more than capable to conspire against the Queen now that she's retreated from the capital and isn't so much involved in the government affairs. "It won't surprise me if they start accusing us of using Eren and Zeke's Titan powers for our own selfish plans," he concludes and Jean silently pats his shoulder, sensing Connie's contempt towards Eren in his voice.

"Let them accuse us of whatever they want, I won't let them take Eren away! He's already waiting for an official trial, he doesn't need this too." Mikasa states furiously, blankly staring in front of her, although this time no one answers back, knowing that any disagreement with her doesn't have sense; she'll support Eren even though she knows what chain reactions his actions inflicted.

Silence falls once more amongst the group, interrupted only by the other soldiers' conversations or when someone stands up. It has something dark and simultaneously redeeming, the silence, it spares Jean the obligation to answer to any implies about the recent events or to argue with those who believe that Eren's actions in Marley were justified—and man is he exhausted from these arguments, since neither do they any good to his tensed nerves nor do they help Connie in his grieving process. And so he uses this silence to think about Falco's letter and Eren's words, which were vague and irritating as ever and caused a new string of questions for him.

 _Sasha was full of compassion while addressing Falco…and Eren spoke with disdain about her although he's read all thirteen letters…yet Eren was always categorical in his opinions, while Sasha always had a way to read people even when they distanced themselves from her…or is sentiment and grief clouding my logic?_

 _And then there's Marley's revenge for the battle in Liberio…why on earth haven't they attacked yet? They have all the resources they_ need… _Of course, Armin's Colossal Titan destroyed their entire fleet_ _,_ he wonders and rests his head against his hand. _Unless…it's known that other nations don't want to assist us and grant Paradis more rights…that they see us as humanity's enemies._

The mere thought that Marley is communicating with the other nations across the ocean…that they have formed an alliance to march against Paradis together…it's so terrifying that Jean needs all his strength in order not to start yelling. Marley alone is a dangerous enemy, if the rest of the nations attack them as well, they better sign their death warrants already.

 _Back on the airship I asked how many battles we will have to fight and how many people will lose their lives. But this…this is so much worse…if not even Reiner's capture can hold them back, we're lost._

"Thank you for staying back, I apologize to keep you here, I know you need to rest." Hanji's voice brings him back to reality; he was so lost in his thoughts that only now does he notice the empty mess hall and the Commander who approaches them with slow steps. "I just received some news from the capital and it could not wait until tomorrow."

Floch opens his mouth to comment that they face so many issues with the capital that they can't even begin to sort them out, but a furious glance from his comrades makes him stay silent and simply look at Hanji with an expression that combines curiosity and anger; after all he still can't understand why they're keeping Gabi and Falco alive.

"Four members of the Military Police went and attacked Gabi Braun and Falco Grice in their cell, claiming that the Scouts are fools to wait for an official trial. The kids aren't seriously hurt and Gabi mildly injured two soldiers, but Squad Leader Dreyse managed to stop the commotion and restrain her comrades." Hanji says and her words are met with several curses, gasps and fists slamming on the table because the squad can't see the logic behind these actions; true, there's great anger towards the two young prisoners, but they didn't think the Military Police would disobey the Queen's orders like that.

No matter his burning rage towards Gabi, Jean can't help but recall Sasha's words for Falco and how she managed to see the good in him despite the fact that he was a member of the Warrior Unit, surely influenced by her own past. How would she react if she knew that…she would definitely be furious, especially since, apparently, she had taken Falco under her protection in Marley.

 _Luckily Hitch intervened…Good to know that we still have our allies in the Military Police._

" _Four_ MPs? Four MPs against two unarmed children?" Armin repeats and his eyes narrow, like always when he's troubled or concentrated, while Connie desperately shakes his head at the same time and Hanji nods grimly, confirming the information. "I mean, I know what they have done, but still, to attack them like that…"

"The situation there has escalated, they see them as Marley's personification and are thirsty for revenge and they use the opportunity to cause chaos now that Historia's absent." The Commander elaborates before looking out of the window, as if contemplating her next words. "Hitch has confined them in their houses for now and they'll go through a formal private council as well."

"Excuse me, Commander, and we will leave Braun and Grice unpunished? You said that Gabi injured two soldiers and with the accusations she's already facing…Isn't it understandable for the MPs to wish for some sort of justice?" Floch steps in, his eyes glistening with the same rage that overwhelms all of them at the mention of Gabi, although he's not as able to contain it in favor of more strategic plans. "We are talking about two murderous brats here—"

"One."

"Excuse me?" The auburn-haired soldier turns towards Jean, who uttered this one word quietly, softly, with a resigned expression on his face, almost as if he's talking to himself and not the rest of the group. "Jean, what on earth are you talking about?"

"One murderous brat. Not two. As you know, Falco indirectly saved my life and has cooperated during the interrogations. He's not a murderer, he is a misguided child with the right morals who grew up in the wrong environment." Jean explains and now he even avoids looking at the others; his stare is focused on his shaking hands and the only thing he wants is to isolate himself and read until he has solved this mess.

 _How can I be so angry at you and at the same time acknowledge that what you said about Falco is true, Sasha?_

Since his gaze is lowered, he doesn't notice Hanji's sad glance or the bitter smile she offers him; after all, the older woman knows exactly where these words stem from, even though she struggles not to show anything in front of the others. Still, she discretely looks at Mikasa, who's staring at Jean as if she can't recognize him and yet sighs and nods her head, like she's reached the same conclusion as the Commander.

"In any case, right now it has no sense arguing about them." Hanji puts an end to the brewing argument. "It has been decided that Gabi, Falco and Eren's trials will occur in one or two months, after Historia has given birth, although they still don't agree on what should be done with Zeke."

"Well, of course, the MPs were planning on having Historia eat the ape right after our return and her pregnancy messed it up for them." Connie can't stop himself from smirking sardonically, his hatred for Zeke once again showing; it's clear that he's enjoying this change of plans, especially since the Beast Titan's true intentions haven't been specified yet.

"It's ironic, though." Armin sighs as they slowly stand up after Hanji's nod that they're free to go. "Four years ago Eren wanted to protect Historia and even told her to eat him to gain his powers for everyone's safety. Now…now she'll be present at his trial and we don't even know whether Eren cares about her wellbeing at all."

* * *

Night and silence has fallen for good when Jean closes the door of his office behind him, unable to go to sleep despite the exhaustion and the long day. With the uncertainty that rules in Wall Sina and with Eren's words in his head, he feels like he needs to go on right now, hoping that the next letters will clear the picture…after all, he still can't explain in what way Sasha betrayed Marley or why everyone insists that he has a major role in all this.

When he opens the envelope with the number **_3_** **,** he doesn't have the curious impatience he had when he read the first letter or the determination he had during the second one. He's oddly calm, as if he's reached a stage when nothing can shock him anymore; as if the letter to Falco has brought a sudden peace in him.

"Is it a coincidence that most Scouts and anti-Marley volunteers have the same positive opinion a former Marley spy like Sasha had about the little one?" He mutters as he takes the third letter in his hand, wondering what sort of answers and questions await him this time.

 _Betrayal…such a harsh word, isn't it? A harsh word with an even harsher meaning. For me it's one of the worst things someone can do…to turn on friends, allies, all the people who care about them. To knowingly harm them without caring about the lasting consequences this act will have on everyone._

 _And I know what you must be thinking right now. That this is a funny thing coming from me, right? Since I've committed the exact same crime and so on. Betraying the mission assigned to me by Marley…and betraying my very own friends in Paradis by hiding my past from them. I already told you I betrayed Marley…but I don't have any regrets for that. I never had. I struggled, I admit, but once I took the decision I never took it back. As for the Scouts…I never betrayed you, I swear. I stayed loyal to everything our regiment believes in, from the moment I enlisted to the moment of the end. But this letter isn't about this._

There's a bitter tone in what Sasha is writing…bitter and indirectly humorous at the same time, especially in the way she speaks about herself and her actions. She certainly doesn't beat around the bush, she bluntly mentions the word 'betrayal', like a confession from her that she thinks hiding her past was a mistake. There's also something else, though…how she addresses the entire Scout Regiment and promises that she never did anything that would harm them…but it doesn't sound like she's trying to defend herself, but more like she wants to assure everyone that they didn't have anything to fear from her. And this, combined with the fact that she doesn't express any regret for going against Marley…Jean can't help but genuinely smile because he remembers too well Levi's statement that they need to make the choice they'll regret less.

"Seriously, what am I doing? Am I really so desperate to believe her so easily? Could Eren actually be right…am I seriously clinging to the past?"

 _This letter is about someone else, someone who has already betrayed various people numerous times…and who quite possibly will commit more betrayals in the future._

 _Yes, Zeke Jaeger, I'm looking at you. Don't tell me you're surprised to find your name amongst those who led me to defecting from Marley. And before any of you jumps to any conclusions…don't get ahead of yourself, not before you read this letter._

Jean's anger and emotional turmoil, temporarily mended thanks to Falco's letter and how Sasha spoke about Marley and the Scouts, comes back, numbing his senses and freezing the smile on his face as if someone petrified him right in his seat. Surprisingly enough, though, it doesn't come with the burning wish to yell at someone or to punch the wall in his fury…it comes quietly, more like a repetition of Connie telling him that Sasha had passed away…it's like a shocked acceptance of something he already suspected, but that is still overwhelming for him.

"She knew him," he whispers, closing his eyes for a few seconds and wincing due to a sudden dizziness torturing him; just when he wanted to move on from Sasha's secret, this revelation comes and places him back to the beginning. "She knew him, she knew he was behind everything from the start, she knew he destroyed Connie's village and didn't say anything."

 _"_ _Hey, easy, Sasha, easy, lie back down." Connie says, gently pushing Sasha back so her head can rest against the bedroll, on that rooftop in Shiganshina while the others explore Eren's basement. "You got injured pretty badly, you need to rest."_

 _"_ _Did…Did we make it?" the brunette asks weakly, her dull eyes travelling from Connie to Jean and vice versa, her face a mask of worry, pain and fear. "The Beast Titan…is he dead?"_

 _"_ _No, not yet. But we won't rest until we get that bastard for everything he did." Jean replies with a serious voice; no exaggerated promises or assurances that they'll slaughter Zeke soon, just a statement that they'll take him down no matter what._

It was the first thing Sasha said after waking up…the wish to learn whether Zeke had been killed…could she really be pretending to hate him at that moment? Both Sasha and Zeke grew up and were trained in Marley and no one in the Scouts except for Eren trusts the latter's supposed loyalty to Paradis…so how the freaking hell did this monkey end up being a receiver of Sasha's letters, especially since the Potato Girl said that she never betrayed the regiment?

"She always talked with so much hatred about him…and then he becomes a reason for her defection?" Jean wonders out loud; something doesn't add up here, something is amiss, the picture isn't clear yet. "She said we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, though…maybe she explains everything as the letter proceeds."

 _My training in the Marleyan Espionage Unit lasted four years, yet every day I kept hearing things about you, Mr. Jaeger, even though I never met you personally. About what a powerful Titan Shifter you were, what a capable War Chief for the young warriors, what a loyal subject of the nation of Marley. Your story had become quite a legend and was used to manipulate and inspire us youngsters so we would follow your example._

 _The story of a young boy who grew up in a traitorous environment, used by parents who saw him as a way to destroy Marley from the inside only to betray them in the process and surrender them to the government. How the boy who was the best hope of the Eldian Restorationists turned out to be the greatest threat they had ever faced and, eventually, their destruction._

 _The purpose of this letter isn't to judge the way your parents raised you and quite possibly used you. But although all my comrades looked up to you, I seriously wanted to throw up whenever I heard your story and how much everyone admired you. I hadn't met you, since I wasn't a member of the Warrior Cadet Unit, and I was too young to truly understand some things, but I already knew that I didn't want to follow your example. I didn't want to become a ruthless Eldian who would be responsible for massive deaths only to stay loyal to the Marleyan nation._

 _Which is why your letter is merely the third one and I didn't place you in a higher position._

Zeke's story was indeed known, not only to Marley, but also to the Scouts, who learned the truth through Dr. Jaeger's diaries that were found in the infamous basement. The offspring of a member of the Eldian Restorationists and a woman of royal blood, Zeke was indeed considered by his parents the best hope to restore Eldia's glory, which is why he joined the warrior program as a secret agent, only to betray the anti-Marley movement afterwards. Sasha even recognizes the fact that Zeke was used by his parents and the rest of the rebels as a means to their goal, but there's something else in her words that makes Jean reread them.

Sasha lacks the tender compassion she had when addressing Falco, who was used by everyone as well. Quite the contrary, she is ironic, angry and dark as she explains how she never wanted to follow his example…how she didn't want to betray her parents and her loved ones to the Marley military. And this was the case when she was only a young trainee, long before Zeke moved against Paradis, long before he turned Connie's family into Titans, long before he killed Commander Erwin and almost the entire Recon Corps.

"Is this what made the difference for you, Sasha? Is this what made your younger self distinguish Zeke from Falco? Zeke turned on his parents, while Falco was used without betraying anyone." Jean murmurs as he tries to guess what was going on in Sasha's mind…how she managed, as a little girl, to see the difference between an innocent and misguided cadet and a War Chief who would do anything for the Marleyans—including going against his fellow-Eldians.

 _Your letter is merely the third one and I didn't place you in a higher position_ , he reads this sentence again and realizes that Sasha has just dropped a very important hint for the order she chose to write the letters. _Did she pick this order of reasons according to their importance for her?_

Of course that raises more questions and doubts about where he stands in this series of letters and why it's so important for him to understand everything, not to mention that Zeke being included is beyond him. He has no choice but to continue reading, though, because it seems that there's way more behind these letters than mere explanations about why Sasha betrayed Marley. At least that's what his instinct tells him as he sighs and focuses back on the letter, wanting to see how it goes on.

 _I know that, given everything that followed during my time with the Scouts, I had every right and every damn reason to place you in a higher position. All these attacks against the Recon Corps,, the murders of so many brave soldiers…transforming my best friend's family and village to mindless Titans...the murder of Commander Erwin Smith himself, a man who inspired me to be brave and loyal way more than you ever would. You even practically forced Reiner to fight against you so you would decide whether you'd continue with your mission or whether you'd focus on freeing Annie from her crystal—don't think I didn't learn that._

 _But truth be told, Zeke, you don't deserve this higher position on my list of reasons why I abandoned Marley. Not when I have so many other reasons, more important than you. In fact, I should even exclude you from this list, but I had to mention you because, after all, you contributed to my decision in your way. If I was speaking on behalf of the entire Survey Corps, believe me, you'd be one of the last receivers. But this time, just once, through these letters I'm speaking for myself and you didn't influence me that much as an individual…in fact, one would say that the more things I learned about you the more you confused me._

 _Because you couldn't simply stay an enemy and give me more reasons to detest you, huh? No, you also had to conspire with your brother and form the infamous Secret Plan of yours that pretty much made us put aside our hatred for you and actually work with you despite not knowing what that plan was and to how many deaths it would lead…not that we didn't suspect._

"Eight deaths, Sasha. Eight deaths, including yours." Jean comments bitterly, wondering whether she's once again implying she suspected she would perish. On the other hand, he can't help but smirk in triumph at the way she talks to Zeke; her words have nothing of the apologetic and forgiving tone they had in her parents' letter or the calmness and softness that were evident in Falco's one.

As she writes about Zeke's actions and why he's only the third receiver, the hatred towards him is more than obvious; in fact, she sounds almost like Connie, who has been expressing the wish to eliminate the Beast Titan for four years now. She's speaking like a true and loyal Scout and, if he ignored the previous revelations, Jean would even forget the fact that Sasha was trained as a spy for Marley. She didn't even leave out the secret plan Zeke and Eren made; the plan that started the questions about Eren's loyalty and the possibility of him leaving the Recon Corps to side with his half-brother.

"Then why, Sasha? Zeke claims to support Paradis Island…true, we don't trust him, but…but how did he help you in your decision?"

 _Truth be told, when I learned about this secret team-up with you, I didn't feel fear at the possibility of being exposed by you as a former spy for Marley. No, the only thing I felt was pure rage and despair at having you amongst us…at looking at you and remembering what we went through because of you._

 _But here comes the funny thing, Zeke. Funny and simple at the same time._

 _I don't believe you for a second!_

 _Yep, that's right._

 _I don't believe that you've truly sided with the Survey Corps. I may not represent Marley anymore, but they taught me enough to recognize a selfish and cunning jerk when I see one. A conspiracy between a Shifter with royal blood and a Shifter who has the Founding Titan…and you think I'm so stupid to believe that this is it, without some other, ulterior motive? What_ I _think, Zeke, is that you'll follow your plan and when the proper time comes you'll strike from within to gain three more Titan Powers and return the Founding Titan back to a member of the royal family…killing as many Scouts as possible in the meantime. And all this before the Curse of Ymir claims your life...just so you can have the last word.  
_

"Wait, what?!" The nineteen-year-old Scout exclaims, unable to control his reaction when faced with what he's reading. From anger and hatred, Sasha's words are now filled with complete despise, as if she's genuinely furious at Zeke for believing they'd fall for his plan so easily. But not only is she talking about her own opinion on the matter, but she just gave the readers a suspicion for the Beast Titan they hadn't thought about before.

Zeke's intentions haven't been determined yet and his mysterious plan is a source of many theories and disagreements between the members of the Scout Regiment. No one can say exactly where their worries are stemming from, but they all agree on two main points; on one hand whose side Zeke really is on and on the other what Eren's role and loyalties in this plan are—hell, even Armin has started suspecting that his childhood friend might side with his brother and abandon their squad. But now Sasha verbally voiced a specific assumption about Zeke's plan and, whether it's true or not, it gives Jean food for thought as he contemplates her words…her suspicion that Zeke will turn against Eren himself in order to gain his Titan powers.

 _And who can guarantee us that this won't happen? It's a valid opinion, actually…just like Rod Reiss tried to do with Historia in the past…a member of the royal family that will take the Coordinate for themselves._

"Just how well did you know Zeke in the end, Sasha?" He frowns; if even a former Marley spy suspects him like that…then separating Zeke and Eren was probably the best course they had followed. "What role did he play in your own decision?"

 _Don't think that your plan, which treats one of my closest friends as nothing more than a means for your goal, has convinced us that easily. And even if there's nothing else behind it, I still won't forgive you for using this friend of mine like that, as if you don't consider her a human being with dreams._

 _I'm not alive to try and prove it, but it comforts me that I leave behind other people who share that distrust towards you. And I'm not only talking about the obvious person who'd give anything to kill you slowly and painfully, but also about someone else…someone who may not show this distrust openly, but who will continue keeping an eye on you to make sure you won't attempt anything shady. You'll understand as you proceed with the letters._

 _Better not underestimate this person, Zeke, because she once pretty much suggested that you could easily be sacrificed to save a dying person's life by giving them your Titan Power and thus giving them thirteen more years of life. So you better watch out, don't give her any ideas to test that._

"A second fact, that Zeke is using Historia as well!" Jean exclaims and now he's one step before pacing up and down in his office. After all, one of the reasons Eren formed the plan with Zeke was that he sought for a way not to sacrifice Historia…but, in the end, what would prevent the Beast Titan from using the Queen as well? Besides, the Asian clan suggested Historia inheriting Zeke's Titan and passing it down to her heirs...yet the alliance with said Asian clan was a result of Zeke negotiating with them.

Despite the dilemmas and conflicts he's facing, he can't help but smirk at Sasha's implies about two certain people, one who's willing to kill Zeke and one who was thinking about sacrificing him in order to save a dying person…because he knows exactly who she is talking about…and one of them is someone who has read the letters already.

"Could the other one be a receiver too? And if Zeke had sacrificed himself to save you from Gabi's shot…What would have happened then, Sasha?" He can't stop the What-if scenarios from invading his mind; he knows they're not helping, but he's weak in front of them, especially in light of recent events. He sighs and continues reading, seeing that he's approaching the end.

 _In any case, I may despise that mysterious shadiness of yours, but this was what I saw on you that made me realize I should leave Marley._

 _If you truly joined the Survey Corps with no means to betray them, good for you, it means you've earned somehow that place on my list; after all, my own loyalty lies with the Scouts too._

 _If you're planning to betray them in the future…you only confirm what a traitorous bastard Marley turned you into…making you again a reason for me to leave all of you._

 _Anyway, moving forward._

Sasha truly took everything into account while writing Zeke's letter, Jean concludes as he folds the letter and places it back in its envelope. She seemed certain that the eldest Jaeger had some sort of hidden motive for helping the regiment, but still, in her explanation about how he made her decide to leave Marley, she mentioned the possibility that he could be genuinely loyal to Paradis Island…perhaps just in case the future proved that they are wrong to suspect him.

But there is something else in these last paragraphs…the indirect way she used to talk about two specific people…and the final sentence, 'moving forward'…it's like Sasha implied that she didn't want to waste more time for Zeke; that she wanted to proceed with the next letter and, thus, with the next reason. She almost sounds indifferent, as if writing Zeke's letter was nothing more than an obligation to herself and nothing more.

In a sudden, an intense headache makes the Commanding Officer leave a painful groan and only now does he realizes how exhausted he truly is. Everything that happened this past week, Historia's words, the journey back here, the revelations, the letters, Hanji's persistence that only through reading will he understand, the news from Sina…it's too much to handle and right now he doesn't have the strength to proceed with the fourth letter.

"Tomorrow we're moving forward," he decides before locking the box back in his drawer and looking at the key with an ironic smile. "Historia said I'm the key to all this…if only it was that easy. To simply lock or unlock all mysteries, just like Eren's key to that basement."

He thinks for a few seconds and then puts the key in his pocket, just to be sure. After all, as his experiences as a soldier taught him, you never know who will turn on you and try to steal your secrets next.

* * *

 **A/N: Sooo, guys, another chapter has reached its end ;) Was Zeke someone you expected to be a receiver of Sasha's letters? Was he someone you didn't expect? In any case, I seriously don't believe that he has truly sided with the Scouts and I'm curious to read the next manga chapters, hopefully they'll reveal more about his loyalties and his role. Anyway, hope you liked the chapter and the next one will be posted next weekend :D  
**


	6. What hurts the most

**A/N: Hello, people, how are you? Another chapter is here, the one between Letters Three and Four...and the Survey Corps continue trying to solve the huge mess that's occurring (seriously, am I the only one who's like "What the hell is going on?" after every chapter of the Marley arc?). Hope you'll like the chapter and...a favorite Captain of ours is back, hehehe ;)**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Glad to see you so excited :D When I first made the draft for this story, I wrote multiple versions of Sasha's list and I was in a huge dilemma whether to include Zeke or not :P I daresay that number 4 won't be such a shock for you like number 2 and 3 were ;)**

 **This fanfiction contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series and particularly the Marley arc, so be warned. Also, this chapter has a spoiler about manga chapter 90 and Season 3 of the anime.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and characters or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which gave the inspiration for this story.**

* * *

 _He can't believe they're here._

 _At the shore, with nothing but an endless blue spreading in front of them for as far as the eye can see, uniting with the sky in the horizon. The salty smell of the ocean breeze, the sand under their feet, the open scenery without any walls blocking the sight…everything, everything is like Armin and Eren have described so many times. He stands there as if completely petrified, overwhelmed by the sense of a goal being achieved and of true freedom for the first time in years. Even Hanji and Levi are speechless right now, the female Commander with a wide smile on her face and Levi with his trademark emotionless expression, although his features soften for the first time in forever…as if the veterans of the Survey Corps feel content, as if they have fulfilled an unspoken promise to Erwin._

 _"_ _Helloooo, are you there, Jean? No time to space out!" An enthusiastic shriek startles and lands him back to reality, followed by a sudden weight on his back as Sasha jumps on him, wrapping her arms around his neck to steady herself and almost throwing him down in the process. "We've reached it, we're finally here, yahoooo, we did it!"_

 _"_ _She's right, Jean-boy, no time to brood, we finally did it, we've reached the ocean, man!" Connie joins in, clinging on Jean's other side and grabbing his forearm as he drags him to the water with Sasha still attached to him, as if she's determined to see him relax and have a good time at last._

 _"_ _Alright, alright, you don't have to scream in my ear, you knuckleheads!"_

 _The first thing he senses once he reaches the water is cold and shivers running down his spine, making him leave a frightened yelp at the sudden sensation and for a few seconds he doesn't move, trying to adjust. Connie and Sasha don't seem to mind, they run around and splash each other and sometimes even Jean despite his threats that he'll drown them once he stops shuddering. Still, the smirk is glued on his face and doesn't fade as the others' laughter echoes across the beach, while Mikasa and Armin marvel at how salty the water is and Eren just looks at the horizon, wondering what lies beyond the ocean._

 _"_ _Seriously, Eren? You've been getting on our nerves for four years, talking about the ocean, and now you wonder what comes next instead of enjoying it?" Connie mockingly calls out to him and sends a splash of water towards the Titan Shifter, laughing when it hits him. "Just relax for once!"_

 _"_ _Yes, people, just relax for once!" Sasha agrees with a giggle and a mischievous smirk before she drags Mikasa in the water, completely soaking her and ignoring the black-haired girl's death glare._

 _"_ _You two terrible twins are completely crazy and ridiculous, you know that?" Jean asks them later, while they are gathered around a campfire and the sun sets, painting the sky in various colors that can be reflected on the calm waters._

 _There's a peace around the group, something they haven't felt in a long time and even Hanji and Levi can feel it. After doing nothing more than play in the water all day and write down their observations and discoveries, it's like a new chapter is beginning for them. A chapter that surely holds many dangers and revelations, but right now they don't want to bother themselves with all this—just for one day they want to enjoy their newfound freedom and each other's company._

 _"_ _We know that, but thanks for the compliment anyway." Sasha laughs cheerfully and Connie pats her shoulder, neither one offended by the characterization; quite the contrary, it's like they genuinely like being considered the carefree and hopeful ones of the group._

 _"_ _I don't ever wanna go back, you know." Another voice sound, startling Jean and making him jump on his feet and look around, looking for its source._

 _It's them. Him, Connie and Sasha, just a few feet away from the campfire and looking to be about seventeen years old. He and Connie are lying on the sand, using their folded arms as pillows, while Sasha is sitting up, hazel eyes staring in front of her and her arms hugging her knees, as if she wants to protect herself from invisible enemies, a frown marking her face._

 _"_ _Back where? To the lands in the walls? Back to your village?" Connie asks for further explanations, although he doesn't abandon his relaxed expression and only the curiosity in his voice indicates that he's paying attention to his best friend._

 _"_ _Back to…to where I lived, yeah. It's just…after everything I lived with you guys…I can't go back to the life I led before all this."_

 _"_ _The memories can't go away. Your experiences shaped you into who you are today." Jean states, making Sasha look bewildered towards him, as if she's afraid of what he'll say next. "You may love your village, the forest and your hunting traditions, but after all these battles and after reaching the ocean you can't go back there because you're not the same person you were in the past, right?"_

 _"_ _The person I was in the past…That's right, I stopped being that person long ago." Potato Girl nods before averting her eyes to look at the ocean again, like his answer gave her a lot to think about._

 _But then something weird happens as all noises fade in the background and a heavy silence falls around the beach…a silence that has something melancholic, mysterious and even deadly. The seventeen-year-old Sasha, the one who looks troubled and made clear she won't go back to her previous life, suddenly stands up and locks her gaze right into the one of sixteen-year-old Jean, who's gathered around the campfire with the rest of his team. Her eyes are serious now and her face without her trademark wide smile that lightened up their dark moments…right now there's something strange and ghostly around her._

 _"_ _I need you to understand, Jean," she whispers, although the boy hears her perfectly due to the silence all around. "You're the key to everything."_

* * *

Jean jolts up from his sleep with an abrupt move, hissing at the dizziness he feels because of his sudden awakening. He rubs his eyes, his forehead and blinks a few times; only then does he realize that he's not at the seashore, but in his room in the Headquarters of the Scout Regiment with the bright sunlight coming through the window; the herald of a new day and, like Armin once said, of new beginnings.

"What new beginnings, though? As if the letters and the memories aren't enough, I have the freaking dreams too," he sighs and stands up, getting ready with quick movements since he realizes that it's pretty late in the morning already; it feels like everything is anchoring him in the past, in the seven years he shared with Sasha thinking she was the funny huntress from Dauper village…like everything is preventing him from investigate her Marley origins from a more objective point of view.

Still, he can't stop replaying the memory in his mind as he heads towards the mess hall...Sasha's statement that she didn't want to go back and how serious she was, although they were having a rare moment of relaxation near the ocean. The fear in her eyes when he concluded that this decision of hers was because of everything she had lived and that had shaped her…he's not imagining things, the feeling he detected on Sasha back then was pure, sheer terror.

 _Why, though_? He wonders now, a question that hadn't come in mind before. _Why was she so terrified? Did she fear that I passed a hidden message with these words? Did she believe that I had figured out that she wasn't talking about Dauper, but about Marley?_

And then the suspicion comes, just like all his previous assumptions from the moment he started reading the letters; spontaneously, automatically, as if it was always in his mind and needed a trigger to come to surface. During the conversation with Connie, Sasha never once used the terms 'Dauper' or even 'my village'…instead she spoke generally about the place she used to live before enlisting to the military.

 _Was Sasha dropping hints about everything? Could she be doing this from the beginning? And was I really so blind to ignore the hidden meaning behind her words?_

Is this why everyone's insisting that his role is so important? Did the previous receivers, like Historia and Hanji, notice some hidden message they thought he would be able to decode due to the numerous conversations he had with Sasha? Will they say the exact same thing to Connie when he reads the letters and seeks for advice?

 _In any case, I know I won't understand anything unless I keep reading_ , he decides; no matter his mixed emotions on the matter, he knows it's the only way for him to reach the truth. _It's just like what Hanji said, it's annoying, but there's nothing else I can do._

He finds the mess hall nearly empty when he enters, most of the Scouts and anti-Marley volunteers already on their respective jobs. Only one of the Squad Leaders is talking with two engineers about the improvements that need to be done on their defense weapons, but they briefly stop their discussion to greet him as he passes by. And Connie and Nicolo are seated at the table at the far end of the hall, the Marleyan cook obviously using his break to talk to his friend with a sullen expression—and Jean can't blame him, Sasha's death has struck him pretty hard and he often expresses his grief by saying that the girl was the first who appreciated his cooking without judging his origins.

 _Probably because she knew what it means being judged because of your origins and not because of who you truly are_ , he thinks as he bids them good morning and sits down; he may be confused about who Sasha really was, but that much he has realized.

"Morning, Jean." Nicolo replies and pushes a plate towards him while exchanging a concerned look with Connie. "We saved some breakfast for you when we saw you weren't here with the others."

"Thanks, guys. You shouldn't let me sleep so much, there are so many things we need to do this period of time, every minute matters." Jean can't help but smile slightly at the others' thoughtfulness—it reminds him of how Connie and Sasha always made sure that everyone ate well, saving portions when someone was late for the meals; in fact, he had once teased Sasha how she managed not to eat their share as well.

It's frustrating, how Connie, who's going through so much and needs everyone's support, is still looking after all of them, while Jean himself feels like being on the verge of breaking down although he needs to be stronger than ever this period of time.

"You needed it, you had a very restless sleep last night. Bad dreams?" Connie answers now to his previous comment and looks at him so persistently that Jean worries that he said something in his sleep that caused his friend's suspicions—and right now Connie doesn't need that, he'll go through it when he reads the letters, he deserves to be spared this torture for now.

"Weird dreams, actually, they…they didn't make much sense." He therefore dismisses the issue, trying to give an indifferent tone in his voice to convince the others that he's honest. "Thanks for the breakfast, you two, but I need to go, I have to go and see Hanji and then inspect the rookies' firearm and archery training."

"That's right, Captain Levi is coming back today, isn't he, that's what Hanji-san said yesterday. Let's hope he can tell us more about Zeke's intentions so we can see who he is truly supporting." Nicolo says worriedly and the other two understand his fears; after all, the first anti-Marley volunteers came to Paradis under Zeke's orders and, as long as they're not certain about the Beast Titan's purpose, the government is highly suspicious towards his followers.

 _But then again, when were the odds in our favor, especially with the nobles of Wall Sina?_ Jean sighs and recalls one of the worst moments in the Scouts' history, four years ago, when the regiment was almost disbanded due to false charges of murder and betrayal of humanity. When the false king was still on the throne and the lords of the capital would do anything in order to keep their knowledge about the walls and the Titans a secret.

"Don't worry, Nicolo, we know too well where your loyalties lie, even if Zeke is a two-faced ape!" Connie says intently and Jean nods absentmindedly, mentally wondering whether the other one will show the same understanding towards Sasha and her own secrets.

"By the way, I wanted to ask you…I know most Squad Leaders think I'm a Marleyan with no right to mourn for the fallen…" Nicolo says hesitantly and Jean feels like something is grabbing him tightly, for he knows where this is going, "but could I go and…and pay my respects?"

Sasha's gravestone…a place all of them visit daily to think about the lost Potato Girl and sometimes talk about her to the newest recruits...about everything she did for the regiment. For those who were closest to her it's more than the spot where she is buried…it's a spot where they can seek peace from everything that burdens them, a spot where they can calm down and clear their heads…almost as if Sasha's thought can give them the faith they have lost.

Jean himself goes there every day, either with company or alone. Sometimes he just spends some quiet hours thinking about everything, sometimes he brings military reports with him to study them without having anyone pressuring him towards one decision or other. But at the sound of Nicolo's question right now, he realizes that yesterday, when he returned from Historia's residence, was the first day since the funeral that he didn't go there, not even for a moment. In fact, even at this moment, it's like there's a barrier that separates him from the small graveyard…as if it's impossible for him to visit her grave when there are so many open questions to be answered.

He wishes he could blame it on the work that's piled because of the attack in Liberio and the countless problems it caused to each Scout and to the regiment in general. But that would mean lying to himself and he always hated that…he knows too well that the reason behind his hesitance is the box of letters that's locked in his office and the numerous questions, dilemmas and emotions it brought to him.

But he can't express any of this; at least not here…not in front of Connie and Nicolo, especially since the latter has already faced accusations from the other Scouts, who believe that a former Marleyan has no right to visit those who fell bravely during the battle in Liberio.

"You don't need anyone's permission, Nicolo. You and Sasha became good friends, of course you can visit her whenever you want." Is his final answer, to which the cook responds with a nod of gratitude and Connie with a proud smile. "And if anyone gives you trouble, tell them it's your right to honor someone you were close with, just like it's their own right."

 _Because everything may be open for me, but that doesn't mean the others must be affected by that._

 _After all, as everyone keeps saying, it's me who needs to freaking understand everything for some reason._

* * *

"I reached Zeke's letter yesterday." Jean states to Hanji a few minutes later, while they await Levi's arrival in her personal office, both Scouts anxious and impatient to learn whether there have been changes on the Titan Shifter's behavior and attitude.

"And did you reach any conclusions?" The Commander wants to know, averting her eyes from the scientific report she is reading, glad for the temporary change of subject and for the fact that Jean mentioned it on his own without her pressuring him to share his thoughts on the matter.

"Only more questions, Hanji-san…and especially how a former Marley spy can be so suspicious towards someone who claims to be loyal to Paradis. If Sasha betrayed Marley, she should be the first one to defend Zeke if he contributed to her decision, but not only didn't that happen…she also openly voiced how exactly she thought he could betray us."

"Well, there is nothing unnatural about that…of course, it is normal for you to be surprised; after all, the way she addresses Zeke has nothing to do with the way she talks to her parents and young Falco." Hanji nods, mentally noticing how Jean is avoiding her gaze, how his knee is bouncing up and down and how his hand is tightened in a fist; signs of great stress. "Does this cautiousness, though, mean that you have started to believe her? Do you believe that she abandoned the mission assigned to her from the other nation?"

This question, voiced with much more kindness than Jean would expect from a Commander who has so many things to take care of and who has recently learned of a horrible secret concerning one of the elite members, makes him contemplate every single thought he has made from the moment he read the first letter. True, Sasha's words to Falco and Zeke have sparked a cautiousness that battles against his initial denial about her role in the Marley military…and, seen from a strategic point of view and not an emotional one, she has dropped some really useful hints about the potential outcome of this forced cooperation with Eren's brother.

 _Still, does this mean I believe her? That I can simply overlook the fact that she kept silent for so long?_

 _Eren said that I'm not as noble as Sasha claims…so what the hell will I read when my letter comes, Sasha? What's my role into this, why…why does everyone think I'm the key to everything? What sort of burden did you place on me without me knowing?_

"She knew that Zeke was behind everything from the beginning. She knew about the ocean, she knew that humanity wasn't extinct and yet she didn't say anything!" He replies now as if voicing his thoughts aloud, now the anger he tried to suppress yesterday slipping through his tone. "And yet she wrote these letters…to explain, to guilt-trip us, to add in our grief, I don't know…And all these implies and hints…How am I supposed to understand since she's not speaking clearly?"

"So you think these letters serve a purpose different from the one she says? That there's more into them than a series of explanations about her betraying Marley?"

 _What's the meaning behind these questions? Surely she has reached that conclusion herself…is she trying to find out whether I've made progress or not?_

"Apparently. She's not even defending herself to us, to the Survey Corps…she says she has no regrets for her actions, but she doesn't say how exactly she betrayed Marley and what course of action she followed. She only narrates her story, but…but if there's something more than her reasons, she does a good job hiding it. Not that it should surprise me, though," Jean scoffs and leaves a bitter laughter that scares Hanji more than his anger does, "apparently she was an expert in secrecy if not even Connie suspected anything in the seven years of them being like twins!"

"Jean…" Hanji sighs as the man across from her still doesn't meet her gaze and she knows too well that her next question will pretty much define everything. "What angers you most, in the end? The fact that Sasha grew up in Marley and was trained as a spy…or the fact that she never talked to you about it?"

And only this question makes Jean jolt his head up and throw Hanji such a shocked glance that the older woman feels like actually shrinking under the despair his look reflects; in fact, she can almost hear the gears in his mind working with all their speed, processing her words, sensing that the answer is not that simple…and quite possibly, not the one he believed it was.

Because, as the Commanding Officer thinks intently about her question, about Sasha, about his memories of her, about the letters and about the doubts and questions he's been forming ever since that first letter, the realization packs him and catches him off guard so vividly that he needs all his strength in order not to jump on his feet. Because he hates lying to himself and, no matter how easy it is for him to say that Sasha's origins are what fuel his anger, he finds out that the truth is much deeper, much more shocking and way more terrifying than he originally thought.

Because from the moment he started reading, his anger and his doubts were not due to the way Sasha grew up. No, his thoughts and his rage have all to do with the secrecy behind her actions, with how she drops implies instead of speaking clearly and with how she stayed silent even when the horrible consequences of the warriors' actions came to surface.

 _Does this mean that my reaction would be different if I knew everything when she was still alive? If she had trusted me with her secret…would I still have the luxury to be angry at her or would I see everything in a more practical way for the good of the regiment and humanity?_

"You act like that because you feel your trust shattering, is that right? You feel that the Sasha you knew and the Sasha who reaches out to you through these letters are two different people. You don't know how to react because the revelation about her identity contradicts everything you lived with her all this time."

"Seven years, Commander. Seven whole years and I suddenly find out that the cheerful huntress from Dauper has a completely different story. I'm so angry at her, at the secrets she kept without trusting us earlier…without convincing us that she betrayed Marley and without helping us figure everything out." Jean whispers, not trusting his voice and practically openly admitting that Hanji's speculations are true. "And at the same time—"

He hastily stops himself before he finishes his sentence, realizing what he was about to reveal and scolding himself for showing such a vulnerable side of his at such a crucial moment, when composure and logic are paramount. He clenches his teeth together and lowers his head again, forcing himself to stay calm and not continue talking, because if that happens he will lose it and he can't do that, not in front of his Commander and with Captain Levi arriving at any moment.

 _I've always relied on my anger for that same reason…to hide my true emotions and be tough when circumstances call for it, even when I'm one step before hiding in a corner and isolate myself from everything and everyone._

 _It's so easy to be angry…much easier than expressing grief anyway…than admitting that I still can't accept that she's gone._

 _And, anyway, what exactly am I supposed to do? Forget the truth of her origins like that and act like it's normal? Try to see things logically? Stay angry at her for hiding such a thing? Cry for her death? What the hell should I do?_

Of course, this doesn't go unnoticed by the aforementioned Commander, who's looking at him with such sadness that she herself doesn't dare show in front of her squad. Besides, she may not be in his position, but she can sympathize with the whirlwind that overwhelms him…typically, Sasha was her subordinate, but she never saw any of the former members of the 104th as mere subordinates under her orders. Over the years she's learned their individual reactions and the way they react to everything, which is why it's not difficult for her to see the silent meaning behind this desperate anger.

* * *

When Levi opens the door to Hanji's office right after his arrival to the Scouts' Headquarters, his expression stoic as ever and yet wild energy in him, and he finds her talking with Jean, who looks ready to burst, he immediately realizes the topic of their conversation. He never needed many explanations to assess a situation—it's an instinctive conclusion and his life in the Underground and then in the Recon Corps has taught him never to doubt his instinct.

 _The chain has reached its more crucial point…And Beardy had calculated it._

He knows that these days will decide everything. Not only the final verdict of thirteen letters, but also Eren, Falco and Gabi's upcoming trials and the way they will handle Marley's retaliation attack against Paradis with the help of the other nations who consider the island their greatest enemy. To an outsider this will seem ridiculous, but both he and Hanji know that this time it's out of their hands…they agreed on this when it became clear that someone else will hold the strings this time.

Still, right now there's no time to discuss all this, not when he doesn't know what Kirstein believes or suspects. Right now he needs to inform them about the latest changes that have occurred and that concern Zeke and the brewing situation in the capital now that the Queen is not participating actively in the government's matters.

"Hanji." He formally greets the woman across from him with a formal, steady and almost strict voice and a small nod, like she deserves as Commander and like always when the Scouts face difficult conditions. "Jean," he adds towards the nineteen-year-old, indicating with a gesture that there is no need for salutes.

"Welcome, Levi." Hanji motions at him to sit down, following his example and addressing him with a formal tone, just like always when there are important matters to discuss and they need to be the responsible superiors and not the pair of friends that bicker and support each other. "Your message surprised us all, we didn't think you would want to leave Zeke without any supervision."

"I wouldn't, but the Military Police sent two heavily armed squads to watch him as well…said we're too incompetent to guard him since we agreed to work with him and all that nonsense." Levi explains, barely containing the intent anger and hatred he feels towards the specific military branch.

Hanji and Jean exchange a side glance at this new information as they silently process it for several moments while the Captain looks ready to murder someone. This, combined with a few MPs attacking Gabi and Falco in the capital and the rage because of Historia's sudden pregnancy, starts creating a clear picture about the exact situation they confront in Wall Sina.

 _Is the Military Police terrified of what Zeke might do and that's why they sent soldiers without informing us first?_ Jean thinks, for now pushing away the letters and everything that has to do with them. _I get that, but why do I get the feeling they're interfering too much...they don't trust us! They consider us responsible because we work together with Zeke._

 _See now, Eren? See where your reckless plan led us? It's all backfiring with all its ferocity and we don't even know which enemy we have to face first._

These actions, though, return him once more back to the days when Kenny Ackerman and the Interior Police blamed the Scout Regiment for everything…and this memory draws him towards a conclusion he doesn't like at all, but right now it's the only answer he can find...they expressed this suspicion yesterday, during Hanji's announcement at dinner, but now the suspicion becomes a fact.

"They are accusing us again, aren't they?" He says, catching the attention of Captain and Commander alike. "That we want to use Zeke's powers for our own selfish plans…just like they did in the past, when the nobles thought we wanted to keep Eren's power for ourselves."

"Exactly. They believe we have sided with Zeke and that we are so stupid that we'll obey his every wish for the sake of Eren and their plan...at least they still haven't learned about Eren's imprisonment, otherwise people would riot." Levi elaborates and the way he shakes his head tells them perfectly his opinion on this; after all, having the people of Paradis against them will only add to the current mess. "And they said that some of their comrades attacked the two Marley brats in Wall Sina…"

"Yes, but Hitch Dreyse stopped them and now they're confined. And the MP commanders agreed to hold the trials after Historia has given birth." Hanji explains the news Levi missed during his absence.

After exchanging information about their respective missions, Jean is allowed to take his leave. Only then does the irritable Captain turn towards Hanji, both expressions turning serious and the woman leaving a loud sigh as she slumps against her seat, a sudden exhaustion overwhelming her that has nothing to do with how she can spend nights and nights without sleep only to carry out experiments and figure out the mysteries of the world.

"And now let's go to another urgent matter. Am I right in my assumption that the boy has the letters now?" Levi states and gestures with his head towards the door Jean closed behind him. "It has been a month since the chain started and, with the exception of Sasha's parents, everyone else is in Paradis, so the timing fits."

"Yes, Jean has them. And he is completely lost, Levi. He's trying to find an answer and he feels like he knows nothing anymore."

"It's the sentiment that's holding him back and doesn't let him concentrate." The man nods, clearly in thought; this is why he always blocks everything, because sentiment fogs your mind and clouds your judgment, not allowing you to take the decision you will regret less. "Beardy is afraid."

"What do you mean?" Hanji asks curiously, unable to suppress her smirk at the sound of the ironic nickname her friend found for the Beast Titan, although she quickly turns serious again at the mention that Zeke is afraid of something regarding the series of letters Sasha wrote.

"He told me we need to keep an eye on Jean and guess his intentions. That we need to make sure the boy won't jeopardize his plan."

 _Zeke fears that Jean will go against his plan once he reads the letters. Then it means the distrust we all show and Sasha's own distrust isn't quite misplaced_ , Hanji concludes, recalling too well the former spy's angry words towards the eldest Jaeger in her letter. If Zeke reached the point to tell Levi that Jean's intentions need to be made clear, then there's indeed more behind these letters then she initially thought. Of course, this also means that Jean understanding everything is even more important as well.

 _And if we see things from a more personal point of view…_

"I told you, Jean is lost. He cared about Sasha, still does, he can't accept that she's gone, much less that she was a Marley spy. She was murdered by one of Zeke's minions for the sake of a plan he and Eren formed. And Zeke thinks he's in a position to demand we pressure Jean to take a decision that won't go against said plan?" She expresses her thoughts aloud, letting her own anger and emotions unfold, unable to keep the façade of the calm Commander and see everything strategically.

 _How could you do it, Erwin? How could you always take a decision calmly and without hesitating, no matter the consequences?_

"That's what I told him too, before adding that I'll be glad to eliminate him and save us all the trouble of seeing his face ever again." Levi comments, noticing her broken look. "As for Jean…he may be lost for now, but in the end he will clear his head and make the decision he considers the best one. There's a reason Sasha trusted him more than anyone else in her letters."

* * *

 _"_ _You're holding, but that's the difference between training and battle. During practice you can take your time, aim freely and shoot whenever you feel ready. Out there, though, when you fight real enemies, it will be a matter of seconds."_

 _"_ _So…you say I won't have time to aim, Scout Blouse?"_

 _"_ _Exactly! Out there you will need to focus on your target, trust your eye and shoot immediately. You won't have the luxury to wait. And most of all, trust yourself…trust that you can hit your target even without aiming properly."_

 _"_ _Never thought I'd see you teaching archery, Potato Girl, what did the poor rookies do to you to suffer like that?" Jean laughs as he passes by the archery field and sees said Potato Girl tutoring some new recruits, fifteen-year-old graduates from the latest Cadet Corps, with Armin sitting nearby to write down the way the soldiers use their weapons and how this can be adapted in their strategy plans._

 _"_ _Hey, don't undermine me in front of my students, Mr. I-am-the-tough-Commanding-Officer!" Sasha pouts in an attempt to sound offended, although her wide smirk betrays her; in fact, it's obvious to everyone how she barely contains her loud laughter._

 _And judging from the muffled sounds the recruits leave, they also try their best in order not to laugh at their superiors' teasing conversation; the red-haired girl Sasha advised a few moments ago is even hiding her head on another girl's shoulder and covering her mouth with her hands, her shoulders shaking from her giggling. Jean would reprimand them before, tell them it's not funny to mock their comrades, but now he smirks at everyone's good mood, which contrasts how serious and anxious everyone has been this period of time, with Eren exercising his Titan abilities more often than before and with everyone else preparing for the ultimate fight against Marley…a fight that seems inevitable despite their diplomatic approach with the anti-Marley volunteers._

 _"_ _You haven't used your bow for a while now." Jean states now and observes as Sasha briefly turns away from him to correct a boy, who's holding his bow incorrectly, before looking at him again. "How come you decided to share your archery knowledge with others?"_

 _"_ _Oh, I know that the technology the volunteers brought and the firearms have rendered archery less known and popular…but I think it's important to pass down every bit of knowledge, don't you think?" The eighteen-year-old woman explains and, despite the light tone in her voice, Jean can detect a hidden worry and sadness, as if her cheerfulness is nothing more than a defense mechanism to conceal her fear for the future. "Like passing a torch…making sure that everything that led you to this point isn't forgotten."_

 _"_ _You sound oddly sullen at once. And here I came to get you and Armin because you obviously didn't hear the lunch bell!"_

 _"_ _Did you say 'lunch bell'? Alright, alright, you are dismissed, recruits!" Sasha calls out to her group, who quickly scatter after saluting and thanking her for her tutelage. "Hey, don't eat everything, you hungry lot, save some for the rest of us."_

 _"_ _Says the one who used to steal 'nothing bread-related'," Armin states with good-hearted irony as he stands up and heads towards the mess hall, followed by Sasha and her protests that she has 'no idea what he's talking about'._

* * *

Passing down knowledge and making sure that everything that led you to this point isn't forgotten.

Jean hadn't thought much about these words back then, interpreting them as Sasha's way to say that she didn't want to completely abandon the hunting tradition she grew up with in her village. Now, though, this same sentence takes a completely different meaning; it's like she indirectly said that she wanted to confess everything about her past in Marley, not only because it was a part of herself, but also because she had gained valuable knowledge from her time there.

 _What sort of knowledge, though? And will I discover more hints as the letters proceed, triggering my memories? And how the hell did I ignore everything in the past?_

He sighs as he sits down on a bench under a tree, with a perfect view on the archery and firearm training areas, amber eyes focused on the soldiers who practice, eager to improve their abilities and contribute to the war plaguing the island, with the exaggerating enthusiasm new recruits usually have. Jean remembers the three years in the 104th Trainee Corps and how they were all determined to excel at every task and exercise, joking during the process, helping each other and sometimes even scolding each other—a motivator for everyone to give their best. And right now he actually feels sorry for these recruits because they haven't faced the war yet…after the first battle, they will change.

It's what happened to them as well…hell, they were fresh graduates when Wall Rose was destroyed and the Colossal Titan invaded Trost District, throwing all of them in the frontlines and forcing them to sacrifice their lives. It was after that first battle that everyone, even the more optimistic ones like Connie and Sasha, realized that this enthusiasm was nothing more than an illusion and that war was before them…and nothing could bring their lost innocence back, the memories and nightmares would always stay with them.

 _What about you, Sasha? You claim you abandoned Marley...that you were thinking about it since you were eight. But was there a breaking point for you too? And in what way did you betray them?_

The wooden box is next to him, for he is unable to continue reading locked in the four walls of his office, alone, isolated from the squad and feeling like suffocating. Here, in the fresh air and with the sound of the training in the background, he hopes he will clear his head enough to answer some of his countless questions.

 _To the fourth letter it is, then._

* * *

 **A/N: Soooo, my friends, another chapter has reached its end, hope you enjoyed it :D Levi is back to the Scouts (I hope he reunites with the squad in the manga soon, poor guy must be fed up, having only Zeke for company in so many chapters). You'll have the next chapter next weekend, where we'll proceed with Letter 4...and I'm awaiting your guesses, hehehe :)**


	7. The one who found her place

**A/N: Hello, everyone, this week's chapter is here, hope you'll like it! :) We've reached the fourth letter and the names start getting more...expected for you, should I say, hehehe...let's see who this letter's receiver is.**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Thanks for your review, my friend, hope the chapter was worth the wait :) Connie, eh? Nice assumption...I'm gonna give you a hint for the next letters; the higher the number, the greater the receiver's importance for Sasha and her plan ;)**

 **As always I should warn you, this story contains SPOILERS concerning the Attack on Titan manga series and particularly the Marley arc (which is one of the craziest arcs of the entire series, seriously), as well as feels, so be warned!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which gave the inspiration for this story.**

* * *

Before he starts reading properly, Jean's eyes fall on the name of this letter's receiver, written at the beginning with Sasha's messy letters. What makes him gasp in surprise, though, what makes cold shivers run down his spine, isn't only the specific name…or, should he say, _names_ , because Sasha was way smarter and slier than he originally gave her credit for and it's evident in the use of two names to address one person. The greatest shock and surprise lies in the hidden context behind this name…for it might only be the fourth letter, but it's for the person who first indicated to Jean that overthrows were awaiting him…a person used as a tool by various people and their goals…said people including the Asian clan, quite probably the Beast Titan and the receiver's own father.

A person who lived with a fake persona for five years before reclaiming her true identity...not even a fake name, but a completely different personality.

"Sasha…did you sense some parallels between her and yourself?" He wonders, for once without the anger he had in the previous letters; after all, he has decided to clear his head and solve this mystery before deciding how to react, especially since Zeke's letter made him suspect that Sasha's motives, intentions and character could actually be genuine and not a pretense."In the end…is that why she seemed so devastated instead of angry at you and the secrets you kept…as if she understood what you went through?"

The beginning of the letter is as if it's answering his thoughts.

 _The meaning of a double life is an intimidating and complicated issue, yet it's also really interesting for some twisted reason. It's one of the first things I learned upon my arrival in Paradis Island and it was confirmed three years later, about one or two months after my enlistment to the Recon Corps. But, in the end, if you have the chance to become someone else, to escape from your haunting past, to be a normal, sweet and cheerful person with no dark secrets…why not embrace it?_

 _Krista Lenz…Historia Reiss…welcome to your letter._

 _And in case anyone of you rolls their eyes now because I didn't include the title of respect towards our favorite Queen…stop it. It's not that I don't respect you, Historia, but not mentioning your title is completely intentional. Because you were always our little Krista…and then our brave Historia…and that didn't change after your coronation, I still felt like you would be there as a friend. And this is what I need to address you as in this letter. As a friend, not as the Queen. It would be too formal otherwise and I wouldn't handle that. You don't deserve that either._

Jean can't help but smile at the kind words Sasha uses to reach Historia, especially compared to the anger she showed towards Zeke. There's something in the way she says that, even though she respects Historia as a queen, she still focuses on their friendship and not on her status; it sounds like the Sasha he knew, the one who stood by everyone's side when they needed her the most and not like the spy with the secrets and the attempts to betray the nation that shaped her like that…especially since everyone has been using Historia for their own plans without caring about her own opinions. A queen used by everyone as nothing more than a political pawn, forced to comply for strategic reasons.

 _At least Friedrich seems to care about her and doesn't try to take advantage of her,_ he thinks about the father of Historia's child…a man of few words who is extremely helpful at the orphanage she opened four years ago and with an honest wish to make up for the way he treated her when she was a child; traits Jean appreciates, especially when he sees how often Friedrich asks the Scouts for advice on different matters and how he makes sure that Historia is protected from those conspiring against her.

But then he reads once more what Sasha writes about the double life someone can lead and about how it is a chance to become someone else, without the horrifying past. And as he remembers how Potato Girl laughed and teased everyone and how encouraging she was in her own way…combined with everything he knows about Historia's alias as Krista Lenz and Reiner's mental condition, he can't help but wonder about something that transfers his anger from Sasha's secrecy to the ones responsible for everything.

 _That sweet and innocent personality Sasha displayed…was this her true self? Or did she adopt a character that wasn't hers? Did she, in the end, switch between personalities like Reiner did?_

Not that Sasha ever gave him such hints, but he recalls a thought he had made while reading the first letter…how Sasha's dark and ironic implies actually brought her Marley side to surface. Could it be that Sasha, in her determination to hide her past and embrace a new self, became totally absorbed in her new personality and thus trapped herself in a struggle between this new character and her mission as a spy? Could this, in the end, be one of the reasons why Historia became a receiver of this box, combined with the friendship and compassion she showed to Sasha even when everyone else considered her nothing more than a gluttonous idiot?

 _Man, how much does Marley mess with its soldiers in the end? And to think that before joining the Scouts I thought this regiment deceived everyone by pretending to be valiant heroes._

Historia was basically forced to become Krista for such a long time…but to think that Sasha, the always laughing Sasha, was also forced to pretend and that this carefree side of hers was fake…for the first time since he learned the truth, Jean is almost willing to try and see things from her own perspective, despite the fact that in the previous letters he almost wanted to hate her for this pretense and the silence she kept. But he knows he has to keep reading before concluding this and so he focuses back on the letter, involuntarily smiling at the sound of laughter echoing from the training grounds as the recruits tease each other, just like he and his friends did in the past.

 _You see, I still remember that very first day of training as if it occurred yesterday. How exhausted I was after all these rounds Shadis made me run after catching me eating a delicious steamed potato and how I collapsed in the middle of the yard. And then you appeared like a goddess, with a canteen of water and some bread…I embraced you as if I was crazy, you remember?_

Ah, yes, the infamous first day of training that pretty much granted Sasha the nickname she would carry even seven years later. Her nerve to eat a potato right in front of Commandant Shadis and even offer him a piece—which she claimed to be a half, but Jean could see that it was way smaller—were the talk of the Trainee Corps for many years to come, even though Sasha pretended that she had no idea what he was talking about whenever he teased her about it. Jean smirks at the mention of Historia acting like a goddess and coming to her aid with water and snacks…it sounds like something she would definitely do, not only as the sweet and kind Krista she was back then, but also like the serious and strong Historia she became afterwards.

"Could all these jokes really be a pretense? The result of a fake personality Sasha created to protect herself from her past and as part of her cover?" He wonders, still unable to process how someone as spontaneous and naturally enthusiastic as the Sasha he had met could actually be faking her whole character and backstory. "Did Historia's revelations about her heritage when we were fifteen help her continue this act?" Comes the next question as he goes on, now truly wanting to see where Sasha is going with this letter and what drove the queen to so desperately tell him that everything and everyone is depending on him.

 _Seeing you being so genuinely kind to everyone, so helpful, without ever asking anything in return…it was one of the most inspiring things for me, you know. Like I could be like you. And soon I adopted my new persona completely. Like I could really be the funny and hopeful girl from Dauper, without my past in Marley and my mission chasing me. It had felt like a fresh start and it helped me take the decision to totally abandon my mission. It was like I could build myself anew…like I could be a good person without the double life I was supposed to lead._

"'Supposed to lead'? She's talking about her mission as a spy, but…does this mean that everything else could be honest? She says she adopted her new persona and that she build herself…"

The thought, the mere thought that, in the end, Sasha's reactions to everything was true to her character and contradicting her training and assignment from Marley makes a small smile creep up on Jean's face…and, for the first time since he started reading this series of letters, it feels like a true smile. No matter the questions and the hurt still tormenting him, for the first time it's like he has reasons to believe that his initial impression was wrong and that Sasha could indeed be honest and loyal to them from the beginning.

 _And then you revealed us your story, your true name…and thus you helped me realize that, no matter how hard you try, your past will always find a way to come back to you. I wish I could be as brave as you back then, come forward and admit my own truth to everyone. To apologize for everything, accept the consequences and try to prove that I never actually betrayed you because Marley was nothing to me._

 _But I didn't. I couldn't find that bravery. Not because I was afraid of how you would react, but because it didn't feel like my truth anymore. I hadn't thought about Marley and my mission in years…it almost felt like the person I was until I became twelve years old was a stranger I had never met. It wasn't my true nature…so I kept silent despite the burden it would cause me._

 _But your inspiration, Historia, didn't stop there._

"Wait, wait, wait…what on earth does she mean with that?" Jean stops reading as the importance of these words strikes him with all its strength, his thoughts now following an entirely different path from the one he followed until now, when he allowed his anger to guide him. Until now he was certain that the cheerful character Sasha had showed was nothing more than part of her mission as an undercover spy…or, at least, part of her secrecy in order to keep her true identity hidden. Right now, though, new evidence comes to surface and he leans against the tree, momentarily closing his eyes in order to process what exactly she wants to say.

 _One, Sasha says that her past started haunting her again when Historia revealed who she really was…What does this mean? Had she simply abandoned her mission like that? Without Marley seeking her for revenge? Or…Or did she really suffer the same fate as Reiner and even a worse one…had she managed to delete her past from her memory due to everything she lived there?_

 _Two, she actually wanted to tell us everything even back then. That indicates that she was struggling indeed, right? Why, though? Because of her past or because of the secrets? And if she_ had _talked…what would have happened then? If she really wasn't scared of our reactions…what went through her mind and made her stay silent?_

 _Three…she says that the girl she became here felt like her true nature. Meaning what? That Paradis gave her the chance to fully develop herself as a person? Or that she was caught up in her initial act of the good and funny girl, actually becoming the good and funny girl in the process?_

It's something he's wondered about countless times, not only with Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie and now Sasha, but also with Eren, who seems to have lost his humanity completely, with Historia, who pretty much reinvented herself as Krista to literally stay alive, and with Falco and Gabi…one of whom recognizes the atrocities Marley committed against the island and one is so misguided and brainwashed that she can't see the people of Paradis as fellow-Eldians.

Historia reinvented herself…not only a new name, but a new character as well…a kind and goddess-like girl who was adored by everyone in the Survey Corps, quite the contrary of the serious and strategic Historia she became later. Sasha, though…Sasha's talking as if the personality everyone knew her with was her true one…as if she had to be someone else in Marley and her transfer to Paradis was the opportunity she wanted to be herself.

"But why was she so keen to betray Marley…to change the character she had there? If she hated them from the start…how did they send her here for whatever mission they gave her? And she also says that Historia inspired her further…maybe she'll elaborate as the letter proceeds."

 _The day of your coronation, when I saw you standing so regal and determined, with that maturity on your face, I learned something else._

 _Your past comes back to haunt you, yes…but it's up to you how you'll deal with it. You can allow it to eat you, to break you, to drive you crazy…or you can accept it and move forward, to use it as a lesson and arise from it. Double life or not, you, Historia, managed to find your own place in the world and be damn excellent at it. Even when people continued to use you for their own purposes, you still make your own choices with a clear mind and a composure fitting a queen._

 _Thanks to this realization, I started perfecting my plan in my head. Part of it was already in motion, of course, but now I added more details to it, so that no one would figure out what I had in mind. Because it was a matter of time before the Scout Regiment discovered the true reason behind everything and when that time came I needed to be prepared for everything. I needed to guess every possible outcome and, simultaneously, leave enough room for adaptations and changes._

"Plan? Hang on a second…Plan?" Jean exclaims, raising his gaze from the letter and blankly staring in front of him…blocking out all other noises, almost like an imitation of this morning's dream of the ocean and the serious way with which Sasha looked at him. Because this one word, this four-letter word, is like the trigger he was missing…the trigger that makes all his doubts slowly crumble…a trigger that answers some of his questions and yet creates new ones.

It's one thing to _claim_ or even _imply_ that you have betrayed Marley…after all, Jean spent yesterday believing that Sasha only pretended to be the carefree girl and that everything she wrote were simply excuses in order to defend herself because of the secrets she kept.

And it's a whole other thing to talk about a _plan_ …true, Sasha mentioned before that something was in action even when she left Marley, but now she speaks clearly about the process she went through, about the details she added, about the outcomes she predicted…she even says that a part of the plan was already proceeding when Historia was crowned queen…was it the same part of the plan that started when she came to Paradis?

"'A matter of time before the Scout Regiment discovered the true reason behind everything and when that time came I needed to be prepared for everything'…you even predicted this, Sasha…you knew we would find out about everything sooner or later…" The Commanding Officer mumbles, but not with the previous resentment due to the mystery Sasha created to hide her true past…now his voice is quiet, accepting…almost with a tone of pride for the cleverness she showed in making sure that her plan would go well…she even took into account that the Survey Corps would one day figure out the truth.

"Who knows, maybe that's one of the reasons why she never talked to us about it…because she wanted us to discover everything first and then see how she should go on," he concludes before going on, seeing that he has reached the end of the fourth letter.

 _I only wish you stay as kind and caring as ever with those you love, even though some people see you only as a strategic part of their plans and as a means to their intended result. Don't focus on them…focus on those who truly matter for you._

 _I'm sorry I won't be able to meet the newest addition to our group. I hope that, when you tell them stories about me, you'll find the strength to talk about me with love and kindness and not with anger and bitterness._

Yet bitterness is exactly the emotion Jean's smile has as he folds the letter and places it back in the envelope, sighing as he collects his thoughts and gives room to the memories in his mind. The plan the matriarch of the Asian clan conceived as part of the alliance with Paradis Island, the very same plan that required as many royal-blooded heirs as possible, has taken quite the toll on Historia, even though Jean smirks at the thought that his friend got pregnant much earlier than everyone had thought…because her pregnancy stopped her from immediately inheriting the Beast Titan from Zeke, thus buying time for her and the Survey Corps. Just like Sasha said in her letter…Historia knew from the beginning that she would be seen as a strategic pawn for heirs to the throne and she agreed to the plan with a clear head…but still she set her own terms by choosing the father of her child and by going against the Military Police's intentions for her.

And Jean knew too well how Sasha had taken this sacrifice their friend was forced to make…she was so furious when Hanji informed them about the plan…and she took it even worse when the news of her carrying a child became known, approximately a month before Eren left for Marley.

* * *

 _"_ _Now I'm curious to see how the Asian clan and the MPs will react." Connie scoffs as he sits down, eyes travelling from Jean to Sasha and vice versa in one of the few quiet moments they can have during the day and while everyone else is outside training. "Historia outsmarted all of them…she showed them they can't use her like that…just like back when her own father wanted her to transform into a Titan."_

 _"_ _Yeah…and she knew from the beginning that she would have to get married for strategic purposes to have heirs for the throne." Sasha nods, although the quiet way with which she speaks and the fact that she avoids the others' gazes quickly alerts them that something really serious is troubling her. "But to be part of such a plan…only so her children can take the power of the Beast Titan from her…" She pauses without finishing the sentence; there's no need to, the two men known exactly what the conclusion is, but Jean still does it for her, barely containing his anger at how Historia is being treated._

 _"_ _Sooner or later, Historia and her children will take the Titan power…and their lives will be shortened to thirteen years. And this will continue to happen with the next generation of heirs and so on…Will this goddamn curse of the Reiss family ever stop?" He hisses, recalling his shock when he learned that Historia's ancestors passed down the Founding Titan by eating each other for a hundred years. "I mean, I know Historia agreed to secure the alliance with the Asian nation, but still…"_

 _"_ _And yet no one except Eren dared voice their objections! No one! Everyone from the other two military branches simply accepted it as if Historia is nothing more than a tool they can use! Who do they think they are…Who does this goddamn monkey think he is, imposing a plan on us like he's suddenly the leader? Why doesn't he create a family if it's so important for him to make sure that a royal takes his power?" Sasha cries out, startling both Connie and Jean, since they've rarely seen her lose her calm like that…right now it's like Historia's drama has clouded everything else for her; in fact, she looks almost ready to start crying._

 _"_ _Seriously, I pity the child that will have Zeke for a father." Connie whispers, although his voice doesn't have its usual humor; instead, he's frowning and looking worriedly at his fuming best friend._

 _"_ _Well, I for once don't think he's truly on our side and I don't care what everyone else says. But…But it's not fair!" Sasha takes a deep breath in an attempt to calm down and now turns around so she can face the other two. "How many more innocent children have to pay the prize?"_

 _No one gives her a reply…not that she wants a reply in the first place. She looks so hurt right now, so broken, as if she has no endurances left. She almost reminds Jean of that windy evening near the ocean two years ago, when she cried and sobbed and looked ready to talk to him about what was burdening her that period of time…only to be dismissed with the assurance that she was fine. Maybe he should insist more, he doesn't know that, but as he sees her so confused now, he decides that she needs a temporary escape from this vicious circle of tragedy they've been thrown into from their fifteen years._

 _"_ _Go," he tells her, almost laughing when he notices how surprised she is and how ready to object with the argument that they have lots of issues to solve. "Go to Historia for as long as you need…take your time to rest and gather your strength. It will also be good for her to have you there with her."_

 _"_ _Jean…You're the best and I owe you big time, you know that?" Sasha tells him, a wide smile of gratitude now marking her face, the prospect of seeing Historia after such a long time and look after her in this state almost giving her the motivation she has lost._

 _"_ _Nah, you don't owe me anything, just go. I'll talk to Hanji so we sign you an official permission in case any close-minded idiot says anything."_

* * *

"How many more innocent children have to pay the prize?" He repeats Sasha's question now as he replays the memory in his head, her devastation of that day seen in a new way after reading Historia's letter. Surely she didn't only have the unborn child in mind, but also herself, Falco, the military recruits who are thrown in the frontlines and the countless misguided Eldian children who are shaped into cruel warriors by the Marley army…Jean doesn't know whether it's his sentimental side speaking, but he's almost certain that she wouldn't hold anything against Gabi either.

But then his eyes fall on the last line of the letter…and another assumption takes form in his mind, something he didn't pay close attention to before, although he first realized it in Zeke's letter, where Sasha spoke with implies about two people who would gladly eliminate the Beast Titan.

In this letter, Sasha doesn't speak openly about the child Historia is carrying…she only mentions the 'newest addition to the group' and expresses her sadness that she won't be there to meet them—another statement that she suspected almost with a certainty what tragedy would fall over her. But all these implies return him to his conversation with Hanji…to the assumption that there's more in this series of letters than her betrayal or even her hatred towards Zeke.

 _Is there someone in this series whom Sasha doesn't want to know about the pregnancy?_

 _And if that's true…is there someone in this series whom Sasha was afraid of? Someone who led to her betraying Marley and yet someone who can't know important information about the Scouts? Someone even more dangerous than Zeke?  
_

 _In the end…was Sasha loyal to us until the very end?_

* * *

 **A/N: Hohoho, looks like someone is starting to have doubts about whether Sasha truly betrayed them by keeping everything a secret. Let's see how the story will go on with this new development, shall we? ;) Hope you liked the chapter and the next one will be posted next weekend as always :D  
**


	8. The value of memories

**A/N: Hello, hello, hello, how are you, people? Chapter 8 is here and a favorite black-haired badass girl comes back, tehehe (I realized I didn't include her a lot in the story until now, so I wanted to make up for it). Hope you like the chapter...and did you guys read manga chapter 112? Like OMG, things are escalating, I'd love to learn your opinion on it.**

 **Lieutenant Myst: I'll only tell you this, my friend, this is going wayyy deeper than it seems. So happy you liked the chapter :D Jean or Hanji's letter, eh? Well, well, well...one of them is actually Number 6, so your guess was quite good ;) And I haven't revealed yet who left Jean the box of letters, it will become clearer as the story proceeds. And is your story "I'm A Survivor?" Because I just read the first chapter and absolutely LOVED it.**

 **This fanfic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series and particularly the Marley Arc, so be warned. Also, this chapter contains FEELS, especially about my OTP, so prepare yourselves, hehe (I can't help it, I have to vent all my shipping feels especially since Isayama ruined JeanSasha, thanks a lot, Hajime)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which inspired this fanfic**

* * *

"Jean? Sorry, am I interrupting?"

"No, it's alright, Onyankopon." Jean sighs as he puts the letter back in the box and focuses on his surroundings once more; on the training grounds nearby, the hard-working recruits and the engineer from Marley who has approached him, carrying several blueprints and with his trademark goodhearted smile.

 _How can someone be always cheerful and kind even though he's been through hell?_ He wonders before realizing that his question doesn't only concern Onyankopon, but also Sasha herself...seriously, if she was determined to abandon the mission Marley gave her, combined with keeping her origins hidden for seven years, how on earth was she able to smile, laugh and give hope to everyone no matter how difficult their circumstances?

Not to mention that his previous suspicions, that maybe Sasha, in the end, wasn't pretending to be the kind and optimistic girl he met and was fond of, make his trail of thoughts shift towards a whole new path, not only for those seven years he knew her, but also for everything she mentioned in Historia's letter about a plan and for what she implied concerning her life in Marley.

 _In what way, though, was she honest? Did Paradis really help her to discover herself or did she simply fully adopt her fake character, like Reiner, who switched between soldier and warrior?_

"Jean? Anything on your mind?" his comrade's voice interrupts his thoughts and Jean quickly apologizes for spacing out—something he's been doing rather often since yesterday, as he mentally concludes. He knows he can't afford that, he knows he has to stay focused, but, like Hanji said, this isn't something he can approach through composed and methodical investigation.

"Nothing, sorry, Onyankopon, I was just reading through…some old reports," the Commanding Officer replies, the lie leaving a foul taste in his mouth, even though he knows that he can't just walk around talking about everything he has learned, especially when so much is at stake and he doesn't even know what's going on himself. "What's up, is anything troubling your team?"

"Nothing specific, but we've started working on our defenses for the attack against Paradis and we'd like another opinion, if that's alright." The other man explains and briefly allows his gaze to travel towards the far distance, where sea and sky unite, hiding the route towards Marley and all the undiscovered waters that lead to unknown destinations and nations…nations they haven't encountered, but who are convinced that the residents of the island are the true enemies. "You know, I wanted to consult Mikasa as well, but I couldn't find her and everyone tells me she's become very distant lately."

"Yeah, with Sasha's death, Eren's imprisonment and the accusations against him she has a lot to handle. She mostly spends time in the training grounds or wandering around the graveyard on her own." Jean tells him sullenly, thinking how he's giving Onyankopon a much kinder and more superficial version of the truth about Mikasa's state. After all, with everything the Scout Regiment is facing at the moment, the last thing their allies need to know is the conflicts and dilemmas the former members of the 104th are going through, although they try to hide it.

Mikasa's holding them responsible for not defending Eren further, Jean knows that, and the past few weeks they had numerous disagreements about how they should handle this harsh situation. He hasn't discussed it with anyone, understanding how sensitive this issue is, but he doesn't know whether Mikasa's persistence has its roots to the year-long bond she shared with Eren or the fact that pretty much no one else is on his side right now and she wishes to support him for that reason. After all, he can't just accept that someone who has been through so much and who has participated in so many battles is also in denial about the major role Eren played in the events that led them to this point. Hell, even Armin has stated that, should Eren's loyalty be with Zeke, he needs to be sacrificed so someone else can inherit his powers and contribute to their cause without raising suspicions about potential betrayals.

"So, you wanted to ask me about the defenses?" He draws the subject back to what Onyankopon wishes to tell him, not wanting to show how the recent conflicts and disagreements have started to take their toll on him and how difficult it is for him to remain strong and make effective decisions. "I understand that you and your team are facing a hard situation, especially since we don't know when Marley will attack or their exact military strength."

"It's true, that makes our job harder, but we plan on building some major defenses on the towers of the Headquarters and some other vital points that will be more exposed to the enemy's attack." The engineer unfolds a blueprint and shows Jean the aforementioned positions. "However, we don't know how to handle the defenses inside the walls, after all, most people despise us for imprisoning Eren and the majority of the Military Police don't want to help us."

"No surprise there." Jean scoffs and mentally wonders, for the zillionth time, how on earth he could be so stupid years ago to want to join this regiment. "Well, my suggestion is, you should send teams to Wall Maria, Wall Rose _and_ Wall Sina to inspect the districts and decide what defenses will help them more. When the time comes, we will send squads everywhere in the walls to protect the residents; tell them that if they ask."

"Let's hope we'll convince them that we care for humanity's safety and that we aren't ruthless and selfish maniacs who only want to appear as superior." The other man comments, evoking a small snicker from his comrade, although he quickly turns serious again, since the residents' hatred towards the military and not knowing who leaked the information about Eren's imprisonment are worrying the entire Survey Corps, since they fear it was one or more of them.

To think they might have people in their own branch who have moved behind everyone's back and defied the Commander's direct orders for secrecy is something Jean can't handle; he's experienced betrayal from within too many times already; even right now, with Sasha's letters, he is still so confused about what her plan was, even though he has started to think that her demeanor all these years was honest.

"Oh, Onyankopon, before I forget it. Make sure you visit Historia and Friedrich in their residence and inform them about your final plans on the defenses. If only we could send some soldiers there too, but they're afraid someone will talk about where they're hiding." He concludes with a loud sigh; only a handful of people know where exactly the Queen lives right now and he can understand why she doesn't want anyone else to know; with everything that's going on and her unplanned pregnancy that thwarted the MPs' plans, she is scared for her and the child's safety.

"Got it. If only you guys could go and stay with her, at least until she gives birth, but I get why she wants you here, with the rest of the Scouts, where you can supervise everything."

"Yeah, Sasha—" Jean stops abruptly and the two men exchange an awkward and sad look at the mention of Sasha's name, although he swallows and continues, "Sasha once suggested she stay with her, but Historia insisted Potato Girl was needed more here."

"I only hope that Historia will remain safely hidden when Marley attacks and that no one will try to force her to obey to their plans…" Onyankopon murmurs and Jean nods absentmindedly in agreement, although his mind travels elsewhere.

 _Sasha's offer and her furious reaction when she learned that Historia would inherit the Beast Titan…shouldn't that be proof enough that she always was on our side? After all, I always told her that she should be better at hiding her emotions and not express them so spontaneously…then why was it so difficult for me to believe that she didn't pretend to us?_

And then it hits him; a memory of three years ago, a spontaneous and yet sweet suggestion, a night of fun with their newest allies…and right now one of those who were present is walking beside him; someone who willingly defected from Marley himself and does everything in his power to be useful to the Survey Corps. If he can understand a bit of what urged Onyankopon to leave Marley…then maybe this will help him gain an insight on what drove Sasha to hate the nation she was born into from her eight years.

"Do you remember the bonfire at the beach?" He wants to know, almost laughing at Onyankopon's baffled expression, as if the engineer thinks that he's out of his mind. "About one or two weeks after you arrived here."

"Of course. You mean when Yelena and I sang and Nicolo made a huge meal for us, right? When…"

Jean sighs bitterly, knowing too well why his ally didn't complete his sentence, although he hates it when people do that. As if avoiding talking about Sasha in front of him, Connie and the rest of their friends will undo the tragedy of a month ago or will make them feel better. True, right now he doesn't know what to think about Sasha, but it pains him when he sees people unwilling mentioning her when in his presence, almost like he's some kid that needs protection from dramatic conversations.

"Yes," he therefore confirms, saying what Onyankopon wanted to avoid. "When Sasha and I danced in the sand while you sang a cheerful song. It was…It was one of the most amazing moments I have lived."

And it's as if this moment of the past overwhelms him, transfers him back then, just like the dream he saw this morning…as if all sounds around him fade away and nothing else exists in this world except him and the memory that fills him with warmth and makes a small smile appear on his face; because it's one of those rare, happy moments the Scouts cherish between the battles and the betrayals…one of those carefree nights when they forget their worries and simply enjoy each other's company.

* * *

 _There is an uncomfortable silence among the elite squad of the Survey Corps, the anti-Marley volunteers and the regiment's newest recruits, who look around awkwardly as if they don't want to be here or as if they're searching for an opportunity to leave. The scenery around them—the bonfire around which they're seated, the blankets where the meal Nicolo prepared for them is placed, the calm surface of the ocean and the night sky—does little to help them all relax, since they all realize how odd this situation is for them; people they believed would be prisoners of war from Marley turned out to be volunteers who defected to the forces of Paradis._

 _Sasha has a sullen expression on her face and exchanges worried looks with Connie, the two of them surely wanting to break the silence and the nervousness and not knowing how; this realization evokes a sigh from Jean as he takes a sip of his ale. If not even the two jokesters of the Scouts know how to diffuse the tension, then maybe Onyankopon's idea for a common gathering so they get to know each other better wasn't that good in the end. He has run out of issues to talk about rather quickly; after a few typical questions to the volunteers about their stay he has fallen into a deep silence himself, mentally cursing himself for having so poor people skills._

 _Eren isn't helping the situation either, seated as he is between Mikasa and Armin and speaking only to them; everyone knows that he doesn't agree with the acceptance they show towards the newcomers, preferring a more aggressive method to deal with Marley and its people. From a few conversations Jean has had with Armin, he knows that the blond strategist has tried to explain the value of diplomacy to his stubborn friend; to no avail, of course._

 _"_ _If this goes on for much longer, I'm gonna yell or cry or throw myself in the ocean, I swear." Sasha whispers so only her friends can hear her and her words cause various reactions. Mikasa rolls her eyes as if she thinks the Potato Girl is exaggerating, Connie gives her shoulder a sympathetic pat to show his compassion, Eren states once again that the Marleyans need to be eliminated and Jean clenches his teeth together, feeling like drowning in this terrifying silence._

 _He understands Sasha's despair, of course; after all, Sasha loves good company and having fun with her friends; hell, she has a talent in bringing people together and showing them that they can forget their fears even in the darkest circumstances, and now she can't decide what to do to change the atmosphere and help everyone open up to each other. She seems unable to say anything to help and, after a brief compliment towards Nicolo for the delicious meal he cooked, she has fallen silent again._

 _"_ _Yelena? Nicolo?" Surprisingly enough, Onyankopon is the one who breaks the silence, surprising everyone as he addresses his fellow-volunteers with a sly smile, as if he has a really good idea. "Do you remember that festival a year ago?"_

 _"_ _Festival? You have time for festivals in Marley between the constant attacks against us?" Floch scoffs before Yelena can answer, evoking several murmurs of agreement and a few groans of frustration among the group._

 _"_ _Well, that's why they're called anti-Marley volunteers, you idiot, because they obviously don't agree with Marley's methods!" Connie speaks up and throws him such a furious glare that Floch is forced to look away with despise while Sasha gives her best friend a proud smile. "Anyway, what's that about a festival, guys?" He asks, curiosity marking his voice, grasping the chance to learn more about a different nation and culture._

 _"_ _The influential families hold festivals in Liberio sometimes, mostly to celebrate the anniversary of the nation's victory, but also to gather supporters from the other nations." Nicolo explains and the former members of the 104th share a worried glance at this information, since it means that Paradis pretty much stands alone against the forces from beyond the ocean. "We were obligated to attend, of course, and forced to watch as our superiors taunted the Eldian warriors about their supposedly inferior birth."_

 _"_ _All these misguided children…and they couldn't even have some carefree moments during the feasts…" Sasha mumbles and rests her head against her palm as Nicolo stares confused at her, unable to believe that a soldier of Paradis can show compassion towards the same children who are training to fight against the military of the island._

 _"_ _Well, some daring Eldian kids were brave enough to dance and laugh during that specific festival." Onyankopon, inspired by Sasha's statement, continues the narration, although his smile quickly fades before he goes on. "And we three had to watch as the Commander of the Marley army dragged them away from the dance floor and back to their seats, saying that the children of the devil have no right to participate in the festivities…that the only reason for them being there is so they can remember how Marley defeated the demons from which they hail."_

 _"_ _What a bastard, showing his superiority to defenseless children like that!" One of the new recruits exclaims suddenly, startling his friends, but he ignores it, pretty much fuming because of the injustice that's been occurring for years and years in Marley against all the discriminated Eldians._

 _"_ _Well, well, seems like they're finding some common ground already." Mikasa comments and hides her face in her scarf, as always when she tries to hide her expression or her smile. "Didn't think it would be so easy."_

 _"_ _Ah, good food and company…it always works wonders!" Sasha giggles, her previous resentment forgotten, but she stops talking in order to follow the volunteers' story._

 _"_ _We couldn't react to this, you understand, otherwise they would suspect us and perhaps we wouldn't even be here right now. But we all wanted to_ do _something for this group of children, Onyankopon here was furious and Nicolo was on the verge of tears." Yelena says with goodhearted sarcasm, causing a round of laughter and protests from the aforementioned cook. "So when a happy song played, we approached them, went to the far end of the dance floor and told them they could dance with us there, away from ironic looks and unfair scolding."_

 _"_ _And they believed you? Didn't they think you wanted to play a prank on them or something?" Eren asks, who still seems cautious, like he can't imagine Marleyans and Eldians having fun together, just like he still can't fully trust this alliance with the volunteers._

 _"_ _Maybe at the beginning, but you won't believe how these children longed for a friendly smile and a kind word." Onyankopon simply states and his words leave a lingering silence among the group, since they face a new perspective of things right now; absorbed as they were in finding out more about Marley's military, they had temporarily forgotten that they were talking about children who had been thrown in the frontlines…just like them, when they joined the Cadet Corps when they were twelve years old._

 _With the huge difference that they had joined willingly, while the children of Liberio were forced to enlist to the warrior program because the government and the superiors made them believe they must be punished for the sins of the past._

 _As if they had agreed on it before telling their story, Yelena and Onyankopon start singing the song that apparently played when they approached the disappointed warrior children. Despite the absence of music, it has a cheerful rhythm, makes everyone smile automatically, veterans, volunteers and recruits alike—some even move to the rhythm. It's oddly refreshing, the gathering around the bonfire with good food, company and songs instead of participating in battles and what started as awkward has become natural and spontaneous, as if they have known each other for years._

 _But when Nicolo stands up and approaches a sixteen-year-old recruit of the Scout Regiment, politely and shyly asking her to dance as a way to mend the chasm and to show that they can build a steady comradeship and even friendship, that's when the smallest hints of doubt and embarrassment crumble to the ground and are replaced by laughter, teasing comments and amused soldiers who join Onyankopon and Yelena's singing by clapping in their hands, giving a matched rhythm and watching the young girl happily dance with the newcomer with a small smile on her face._

 _"_ _Hey, Jean, come oooon, let's go, looks like so much fun!" Sasha exclaims all of a sudden, jumping on her feet and urgently pulling his sleeve to make him stand up, but the only thing she receives is a loud laughter from Connie, a curious gaze from Mikasa and a confused gasp by Jean himself._

 _"_ _What's gotten into you, Potato Girl, since when do you like dancing?" He asks her, noticing how her grip on his arm persists; she's not offended by his words and leaves a ringing laughter that almost makes her look like the active twelve-year-old he met in the military._

 _"_ _What, afraid you'll trip over your own feet, horseface?" Eren mocks him, the nickname he had found for Jean in their training days easily escaping him. Under other circumstances, Jean would gladly answer to the challenge, but with Sasha tugging at his shirt, Connie snickering like crazy and some recruits curiously observing the scene, he doesn't have much room to give the suicidal maniac the answer he deserves._

 _"_ _In any case, if you want to dance, why don't you ask your twin over here, huh?"_

 _"_ _Seriously, Jean, have you seen Connie dance?" Sasha teases and winks at Connie, who only nods in agreement to prove her point that he isn't the ideal dance partner for her. "Come ooooon! Nicolo proved that a Marleyan and an Eldian can share moments of fun with common allies...now it's up to us to show that we are open to Marley's customs and culture and are willing to make this alliance work."_

 _"_ _Yeah, Jean, thanks to Nicolo we've experienced the Marley cuisine, now it's time to experience their music too. You won't refuse the lady's request, will you?" Connie joins the teasing and even pushes Jean, combining the gesture with Sasha's efforts until he finally agrees and stands up, playfully ruffling Potato Girl's hair and messing her ponytail up._

 _And although he doesn't admit it out loud, it feels amazing, dancing in the sand like a cheerful young boy to the singing of two newfound allies. The quick and joyful song allows them all sorts of dancing moves and he twirls Sasha around with joking warning that she won't eat lunch for a week if she steps on him…all this is giving him a sense of freedom he has almost forgotten because of the uncertain future. It's like he has been transferred to the day they first discovered the ocean, when he and his friends played around in the water without caring about anything else._

 _Tomorrow they might fight again and no one can predict the outcome, but tonight, as he dances with the happy Potato Girl he has grown fond of, he allows his emotionless mask to break and he manages to truly enjoy himself._

* * *

"Well, it surely helped our alliance that night." Onyankopon comments, noticing the peaceful expression that has appeared on the Commanding Officer's face, even if he turns serious again as if travelling to such a happy memory is painful for him right now. "What troubles you?"

"You said you learned this song during a festival, when you, Nicolo and Yelena helped a bunch of Eldian kids feel better. Which means that…surely you had at least some happy moments in Liberio, right?" Jean hesitates for a moment before continuing and the engineer nods encouragingly at him, a sign that he can go on. "What…what drove you away from Marley, in the end? I mean, except Yelena persuading you to defect, of course…didn't you take these happy memories into account?"

He stops talking and waits impatiently for the other man's reply, having the impression that he has reached a crucial point…not only in the letters, but also in understanding the motives behind Sasha's actions and secrecy. In understanding how a twelve-year-old, having just arrived in Paradis, years before joining the Scouts and writing the letters, has started formulating a plan against the nation where she grew up, lived with her parents and even made friends.

"Of course there were happy moments, Jean. Nothing is only good or bad…just like you've told me that you've done things you're not proud of, we had moments of joy back in Liberio. What drove me personally away from Marley, though, was the fact that the negative moments were more and way worse than the positive ones."

And this sentence, this conclusion coming from someone who lived in Marley longer than Sasha did and yet decided to defect to Paradis, is what makes Jean stop walking and blankly lock his gaze in the shooting range, trying to make up his mind. Right now he has thirteen letters in his hand, thirteen letters of reasons why Sasha betrayed Marley, each letter connected to a person…but could this be the trigger that started it all? Was Sasha, as a young Eldian trainee spy in the Marley army, so fed up by the constant brainwashing that she decided to abandon her mission without even caring about a possible retaliation?

Before he can say something, though, answer to Onyankopon or even thank him for giving him his point of view, he sees Mikasa leaving the training area and coming towards them, expressionless and poised as ever, black eyes focusing on the wooden box he's carrying. Jean hopes she won't ask him about it in front of the volunteer because he hasn't thought about a convincing excuse and Onyankopon will surely realize that he's lying.

Thankfully, though, Mikasa only asks from their comrade to allow them to speak privately, to which Onyankopon replies with a nod and a polite smile before thanking Jean for his advice on the defenses and leaving to go back to his team. The moment he is out of earshot, the young woman turns towards him again and, for once more, Jean can't say what sort of emotion her gaze holds.

"I see you got it," she starts and a gasp escapes Jean's mouth. "And judging from your expression, you haven't read many of them, have you?"

 _Of course she knows, what an idiot I am! Between my anger and trying to solve this mystery, I stopped guessing who the next receivers will be…But of course Mikasa is one of them._

"Let me guess," she raises her hand when she sees him ready to speak, throwing him a glare that tells him he needs to keep his mouth shut for now. "You don't know what to believe anymore, right? You're clinging on memories and at the same time you're mad at Sasha for keeping such a secret from you. You don't know whether her behavior towards you was genuine or a pretense. Did I guess correctly?"

"I...I don't know anymore." Jean sighs and averts his gaze from his black-haired friend, looking in the distance, at the hill where the graveyard is…the graveyard he still doesn't have the courage to visit. "I mean…I _was_ furious at the beginning, I thought she deceived all of us. But then I read Zeke and Historia's letter and started suspecting that she was loyal to us in the end…But that doesn't delete the fact that she kept everything a secret and I don't know what to think anymore!"

Truth be told, he is actually surprised from the way Mikasa sees this matter. Out of all people, out of all possible receivers, Jean would assume that Mikasa would be unforgiving towards Sasha's secrecy, especially since the two of them were roommates and good friends for years. He would think she would hate Sasha for not revealing information crucial to the Survey Corps…and yet, from the tone of her voice and her determined gaze, she sounds as if she's defending the Potato Girl.

 _Is this about Eren? Is she defending Sasha for the same reason she's defending Eren? Seeing how everyone treats him, beating him, arresting him, having lost all trust in him despite the years we know each other…is this why she is more lenient towards Sasha's actions as well? Because she can't stand seeing people judging comrades and friends they've known for almost ten years?_

How ironic life is, he thinks now as he waits for Mikasa to speak. Four years ago this thought would cause him irrational and tormenting jealousy…seeing her giving Eren her full attention even though the guy barely acknowledges her most of the times. Yet now, after the battle in Liberio, with Sasha dead, so many open conflicts and with Eren's loyalties hanging in the balance, he only wants to yell at her for being so blind and unable to see that Eren has put them all in a mess they don't know how to solve.

But if he is right and this is what led Mikasa to see Sasha's case with more composure, then maybe he needs her opinion as well before proceeding with the fifth letter…especially now, when he is wavering between anger and sympathy.

"You don't know what to think anymore…Are you serious right now? You met Sasha as a twelve-year-old, when her past had already shaped her. You manage to get over your constant bickering with her and actually bond with her, in friendship and as a team during the battles. You didn't know a thing about her past anyway, only the information she chose to share with you. And all of a sudden you don't know who Sasha was? All of a sudden she is nothing more than a liar to you? You seriously want to delete seven years you spent with her because you're too close-minded to see things from her perspective?" She snaps at him, raising her voice with every word before hissing a conclusion that sounds more powerful that it would be if she had screamed it. "You're a dumbass."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, didn't I speak loudly enough? You're a dumbass!"

"Of course, because that makes so much sense, right?" Now Jean can't stop himself from yelling as well. Yesterday, when he burst out in front of Hanji, he had tried to keep his calm out of respect for his Commander, but now he just can't help but speak his mind. "Sasha is dead because of a suicidal plan and a murderous brat, I suddenly discover that she was originally a Marley spy, I don't know what the hell to do to find some goddamn answers, everyone gets on my nerves by saying I'm the freaking key to everything and yet _I'm_ the dumbass?"

"Exactly." Mikasa states matter-of-factly, like she's explaining something obvious to an ignorant child. "And I don't give a damn about your hurt ego, Jean, or about your anger because Sasha didn't open up to you, but you better snap out of it and—"

"Yes, yes, I know what you're gonna say. 'Keep reading to find the answers', eh?" Jean rolls his eyes and his grip around the box tightens. "I got the message the first three or four times, thank you very much."

"Good! Then you'll do well to actually keep reading. Unless you want us all to sink without return."

 _So not only am I the key to these freaking letters, but we'll sink without return if I don't find the answers._

 _Great!_

 _No pressure here!_

* * *

 **A/N: Hahahah, the infamous "You're a dumbass" scene that played during Season 2 of _13 Reasons Why_ between Justin and Clay...to be honest, it was one of the first scenes that inspired me when I first started writing this story :P I think Jean deserved to hear it, what do you guys think? Hope you likes the chapter and stay tuned...next weekend we reach letter Number Five.  
**


	9. The one who lived for herself

**A/N: Hiiii, guys, how are you? The ninth chapter of our story is here, really hope you'll like it. Let's see who Sasha is addressing with her fifth letter and whether it's someone you expect, shall we? ;) By the way, I told you I won't go with the manga's plot concerning Eren and the volunteers, but some initial suspicions about what's going on will be mentioned in the story.**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Awww, thank you so much, glad you liked the previous chapter :D Yep, Eren was a MASSIVE jerk in Chapter 112 and I seriously think he's showing signs of becoming a villain in the story, let's see what happens. I think Levi, by mentioning Historia and what will happen after she gives birth, tries to win some time for her (he said "if she's ready", so maybe he believes she doesn't deserve this). Can't wait for Chapter two of your story, hehehe.**

 **Warning: This fanfic contains SPOILERS for the Attack on Titan manga series, especially the Marley arc.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the TV series _Thirteen Reasons Why_ , which inspired this story.**

* * *

When their conversation is over, Mikasa leaves to go back to the shooting range to continue her training, serious and emotionless as ever, as if her outburst was nothing more than a brief reaction triggered by the discussion and this month's events…a reaction she needed to let out in order to go back to her focused and expressionless state. She departs leaving a very confused Commanding Officer behind, who's still trying to process everything she told him and taking deep breaths to calm down after his own outburst. It feels oddly redeeming…he expressed his disdain out loud, even though Mikasa was probably as confused when she read the letters as he is right now…pouring everything out, everything that's been torturing him since yesterday, makes him feel a lot better, as if a part of his bitterness and his anger left him.

It has nothing to do with yesterday's blankness, he realizes as he goes back to the bench he was seated earlier, under the tree; no, now he truly feels ready to continue and discover everything Sasha wanted to relay them through this series of letters. More importantly, though, now he has one more reason: Mikasa telling him that the Scouts will sink if he doesn't understand has pretty much confirmed his suspicion that there is more behind everyone's persistence that he's the key to all this. It's not only relevant to the connection he had to Sasha and how he needs to understand her motives, but it's also important to the entire regiment…and, quite possibly, it's directly connected to the plan Sasha formed, whatever it was.

 _Sasha said that she had this in mind when she left for Paradis as a twelve-year-old, but Historia helped her perfect it. Then…just how long exactly did she need to complete this plan? How many stages did she go through?_

 _And when did she write the letters? In the end or somewhere in the middle of this plan? What gave her the idea to leave thirteen letters behind?_

He laughs unwillingly as he sits down once more; apparently, the more questions these letters will answer, the more they will create. As he opens the envelope with the number **_5_** , he absentmindedly looks around, admiring the scenery that soothes his nerves despite everything that's occurring; the blossoming nature around him, the sound the waves make when they reach shore, the rays of sunlight falling on the parchment through the leaves…it's like his surroundings are contradicting the rotten reality he and his comrades have to face and Jean, maybe for the first time, understands Mikasa's statement of a few years prior that the world is cruel and yet beautiful.

Sasha always loved nature as well, whether they were on a mission in the woods or camping near the ocean. Back when she was alive, he had thought it was because of her being raised in Dauper…now, though, he wonders if that's a result of growing up in the secluded Eldian neighborhoods of Marley and then in the military's training barracks…or if he's only paranoid.

"Well, then…Letter Number Five it is," he mumbles as if trying to encourage himself and focuses on what Sasha wrote, simultaneously trying to guess who the letter is addressed to.

 _Can the dead hear and read your thoughts from another world to which you don't have access?_

 _Now that would be one of the toughest mysteries to solve, eh? Maybe I'm standing beside you as you read the letters. Maybe I'm in your head and can hear every single thought that courses through your mind. Maybe I'm flying around your room or whichever location you've chosen to read, invisible, watching like a silent observer. Maybe another deceased person is right beside me, laughing at your expressions as you read._

 _Ymir, it's time for your letter, my old friend._

"Ymir?" Jean whispers and an odd feeling overwhelms him immediately…a feeling of déjà-vu, a feeling of something old coming back to him…something he hadn't paid attention to for a long time and now comes back to remind him of everything he has pushed from his mind.

Because truth be told, he hasn't thought about his deceased friend for a very long time…four years actually. Or, at least, he hasn't _admitted_ that he's thought about his deceased friend; the irritable and rude Titan Shifter who helped them all in the end during the fight against Reiner and Bertholdt returns in his memories every now and then, but he avoids mentioning her because her disappearance and the letter she sent to announce them that she planned to return her Titan power to Marley left such a strong impact on the squad that, for the first months after the news of her death, Sasha's eyes filled with tears at the mere mention of her name, Connie pretended to have an urgent duty and left the room, Mikasa tried and failed to pretend that she regretted not killing her and Jean himself faked composure in order to hide his own shock.

He only dared talk about her to Historia once in these four years…several months ago, the first time he visited the Queen after the Scouts learned of her pregnancy. Sasha still lived with their blond friend that period of time, tending to her and relaxing herself in the countryside, benefiting from the permission Jean gave her to go to the countryside after Potato Girl's devastation at Historia being used like that. The Commanding Officer had decided to visit them then, together with Hanji, to see if they needed anything and to share with them the latest developments in the Scout Regiment, particularly Eren's growing impatience at their unwillingness to attack Marley.

Jean smiles now at that memory, because he still remembers her reaction…she had responded in true Historia fashion, collected and poised and throwing his comment right back at him, yet still without irony or cruelty in her voice and words.

* * *

 _"_ _Thanks for sending Sasha here, it's nice to have another girl." Historia says gently as she sits with Jean at the front porch of her new residence, calmly breathing the fresh air and with a tranquil expression on her face…way more peaceful than Jean would expect her to be given her circumstances. "And with all the MPs coming here lately, Friedrich and I are happy to see a friendly face," she adds and Jean gives her a nod of understanding; her unexpected pregnancy has upset the plans the Military Police had for her and surely they're gonna give her a hard time, especially at the beginning._

 _"_ _Yeah, I thought it would do you two good to look after each other. Have to admit, though, I'm surprised with how calm you are about all this mess," the Commanding Officer replies and, were the woman next to him the goddess-like Krista he had met, he would have ruffled her hair and teased her, but right now there's nothing funny in Historia's choice to become pregnant earlier than planned in order to thwart the plan to take Zeke's power._

 _Historia doesn't reply at once, although, judging from her serious look, his words have given her food for thought. They spend some quiet moments, Jean giving her the space she needs to gather her thoughts and reply to him whenever she feels comfortable. Instead, he uses the silence to enjoy the peace of the woods surrounding them, Hanji's voice echoing from inside the house as she contacts Levi back at Headquarters, and Sasha and Friedrich talking in the front yard, the female archer informing the man about the recent improvements in the Scouts' communication devices. Despite the countless open issues the regiment is currently facing, Jean can't help but smile at Sasha, who's much more relaxed than the last time he saw her…right now she kinda reminds him of the funny Potato Girl he met and not the desperate Scout who wondered about how many innocent children will be forced to pay for everything._

 _"_ _You know, I suspected it would come down to that sooner or later, from the moment I became Queen…you know, giving birth to heirs to the throne of Paradis for strategic reasons," Historia's voice makes him focus back on her; her tone marks acceptance for her situation and protectiveness for her unborn child. "Besides…someone told me she hoped I would live a life I would be proud of…and, well, I'm pretty proud of winning us some time instead of becoming the Beast Titan right away," she concludes with a sly giggle, like a little girl who has pulled a very successful prank on the authorities._

 _"_ _Let me guess…that someone being Ymir? It definitely sounds like something she would say." Jean states, now sadness and nostalgia evident in his tone as he remembers the Titan Shifter who sacrificed herself to Marley as a way to redeem herself. He throws a careful look towards the Queen, afraid that he has hurt a sensitive spot by mentioning her, but she nods, encouraging him to go on. "You don't talk about her very often since we received her letter."_

 _"_ _Yes…for the same reason you don't talk about Marco very often." She replies sharply, although not with anger, only with a hint of grief for the people they have lost throughout the years and who had a life-altering impact on both of them; especially since they didn't farewell Ymir properly before she left and Marco's death remains a mystery for them._

 _Jean flinches at the mention of his best friend—after all, it was him who discovered Marco's mangled corpse and gave his information to the medics—but he nods in understanding, agreeing with Historia's hidden message. Because, no matter how much they miss Marco and Ymir and everyone else, talking about them makes the pain only realer and worse despite the four years that have passed._

 _"_ _Sasha starts saying that maybe she should return to Headquarters," the blonde changes the subject, sensing that a conversation about more urgent matters will help distracting them from negative memories. "She loves it here, of course, and she has calmed down, but she's getting restless and says she wants to go back…and to think that she first offered to stay with me until I give birth."_

 _"_ _Maybe it's the huntress's instinct that's talking." Jean speculates, briefly looking towards Sasha as if to check any changes on her mood before focusing back on the Queen. "We're all restless this period of time, although I can't explain it. Anyway," he changes the subject and gives a mocking tone in his voice, "since Sasha misses us too, Hanji and I are planning to stay for a week or two and then return with her to HQ."_

* * *

A plan that woukdn't be fulfilled.

Mere days after this conversation, Hanji, Jean and Sasha were called back with the urgent news that Eren had secretly left for Marley, silently during the night and leaving only a small note to Mikasa to inform her about his plans.

 _Ymir, who grew up in Marley, came to Paradis as part of her punishment, was transformed into a mindless Titan, acquired the Jaw Titan and then returned it to Marley by sacrificing herself_ , Jean makes the parallels, almost feeling like laughing at the unexpected connections he's making, as if this messed up world continues throwing him tragic ironies.

 _Sasha, who grew up and trained in Marley, came to Paradis as a spy for her mission, abandoned it afterwards, joined the Survey Corps and then got murdered in Liberio by a warrior kid after the battle was over._

 _And Eren, who spent his entire life wanting to eliminate the Titans, became humanity's last hope, acquired the Attack and Founding Titan, discovered that the Beast Titan is his half-brother and then went undercover to Marley to meet him in secret, formed a plan with him under our noses and dragged us all there for a battle we didn't even want to fight._

The Commanding Officer shakes his head, not wanting to drown in this dark void of anger and bitterness once more; he may be slightly calmer now thanks to his suspicions that Sasha was honest to them, but it's there, lingering, threatening to resurface at any moment because this is far from over. Not to mention that he can't stop thinking about Mikasa's warning that the entire regiment will sink if he doesn't find the necessary answers…so he takes a deep breath, blocks the memories and continues reading Ymir's letter.

 _Hey, no need to freak out, guys, you don't have to send this letter anywhere. I know exactly what fate has befallen her. But like I said, these letters aren't following the common logic. These letters serve a specific purpose and I can't leave one of the bravest and most complicated people I've ever met out of them. Just read it like you read the ones before it and then continue. And when you're finished, send the box to the next receiver._

"I'd be surprised if they followed the common logic, Sasha, after all _you_ wrote them." The comment escapes him spontaneously, teasingly, just like in the past when he mocked her about her love for food and her carefree character, only pretending to be annoyed by her.

It's oddly bittersweet and simultaneously so like Sasha, to include a friend who has passed away in her letters, and he raises his head for a moment, almost as if expecting both Ymir and Sasha to stand in front of him like 'silent observers' as Sasha mentioned…the one with a sarcastic statement and the other with a funny and yet encouraging one to help him go on. It's the same sensation he had yesterday when he opened the envelope with the first letter and recognized Sasha's handwriting, thinking that he would see her in his office, laughing at the prank she pulled on him.

"Maybe I _am_ stuck in the past, after all…clinging to my memories like a fool in denial," he mumbles, repeating what Eren told him last night when the latter reprimanded him for desperately trying to believe Sasha's words. "But then again…it's like Mikasa said…can someone really let a loved one go like that…someone you've lived with for seven years? Someone who, in the end, didn't betray you like you originally thought?"

Jean almost wishes Ymir _were_ here with him right now, for she always snapped at everyone when they got too optimistic or emotional, saying that sentiment and caring is not an advantage. It's so easy to push everything away, to give up hope, but this box and the questions that torture him don't allow him to do that…especially if the future of the Recon Corps hangs in the balance because of the revelations that are coming. But then again, he's also really curious in what way exactly Ymir influenced Sasha in her decision—after all Sasha used to say how scared she was of their irritable comrade—and so he simply proceeds with the letter.

 _I was used to being treated roughly from an early age—it's what happens when you're forced to join military forces when you're eight years old. You have to receive toughness to become tough yourself, after all. But despite that, Ymir, you were a whole new lesson on that subject._

 _The way you snapped at everyone and behaved like you didn't care about anything…well, you had something on you I couldn't explain. Like I was afraid of you and at the same time like I wanted to be your friend for that reason. Because you were tactless and sarcastic as hell, but I admired that, although at the beginning you reminded me of my commandants back in Marley. After all, you kept saying that kindness makes you vulnerable and you have to build walls to protect yourself._

 _Historia was the one who taught me how to be a good person, but you, my friend, you taught me how to truly stand my ground. How to answer to any sort of injustice without letting anything fall to the ground. And somehow I managed to combine these two…to be witty and funny at the same time. You'd probably say this is cheesy nonsense if you read this letter, but this is how I interpreted all this._

 _I remember that conversation we had. On a sunny evening during our cadets days when you, Historia and I were doing some chore or other. Someone else would dismiss it as another teasing banter between three friends, but for me it was like a wakeup call._

 _"_ _You're really starting to tick me off."_

 _"_ _What?"_

 _"_ _That stupid way you talk politely to everyone. Why don't you talk to other cadets like normal?"_

 _"_ _Um…well, you see…"_

 _"_ _Wait. Let me guess. You're embarrassed by the way people sound from your village. Bull's-eye? I'm surprised an idiot like you cares so much. You can't do anything but hunt and you're afraid of people, to top it off. I bet you don't have a single good reason for aiming to become a soldier."_

"Ouch, that actually hurt, Ymir!" Jean exclaims as he reads the lines, imagining Ymir's sharp voice uttering these words and trying to think how Sasha reacted upon hearing them. After all, even though not knowing the circumstances, Ymir had actually hit the bull's–eye in her assessing Sasha's overly polite behavior.

True, Jean didn't consider Sasha a great soldier either back then—something totally wrong, after all the girl made it to the top ten of their cadet group—but he never thought that Potato Girl could be afraid of people; quite the contrary, she was so open, so kind and so funny that she gave the opposite impression. But then again, back then he also didn't know that she hailed from Marley and not from Dauper; still, Ymir's conclusion that Sasha probably didn't have a motivation for becoming a soldier hurts more than he thought possible.

Most of all because, in the end, it's partially true.

Because Sasha only saw Paradis and the 104th Trainee Corps as the opportunity she needed to burn the bridges with the nation she grew up in and her mission as a spy gave her the incentive she wanted. But it was never in her plans to actually become a soldier, much less a good one; she only enlisted as part of her assignment, without knowing what the future on the island would bring her. Only afterwards did she finally become used to it, met new friends and joined the Scouts, apparently staying loyal to them until the end.

"I'm really curious to see how she reacted," he chuckles now, wondering whether she managed to keep her composure and reply to Ymir without indicating that she was hiding major secrets about herself.

 _I really didn't know what to tell you at that moment and while Historia scolded you I thought about everything you said. It wasn't out of embarrassment, Ymir. Ironically enough, that overly polite way of speech had become my natural way of talking…being learned by force during my training in the Marley military._

 _You see, Ymir, from the moment you enter the training barracks, you stop being a normal child. You become an Eldian soldier who has to prove that you're an emotionless soldier that puts nation above family…meaning you leave everything that defined you behind. Your parents, your friends, even the trademark accent of the Liberio ghetto where you grew up. And if I started narrating the beating I went through in order to master this polite way of speech towards my superiors, believe me, this letter would never end._

 _So you can imagine my surprise when I heard you mentioning my accent, even though you believed back then that I was some hunter from Dauper who wanted to appear as polite._

 _Thing is, though, you were absolutely right. About me being afraid of people, I mean. I was a good hunter who had mastered her spying techniques, but didn't have significant skills as a soldier and, to top it off, I was truly terrified of people._

 _Or, rather, I was terrified of getting close to people. I feared that, if my birth accent slipped, people would realize that I didn't have Dauper origins, but Marley ones…and that this would blow my cover and destroy everything I had tried to build as a normal soldier of the 104th Cadet Corps._

"Oh, Sasha, and then you said _I_ was the one who needed to open up to people." Jean whispers bitterly, but not angrily like he reacted to the very first letters. After all, maybe that's exactly the reason why Sasha insisted so much that he should be more trusting towards others; maybe she saw her fear of people being reflected in him and her advice to him was also an advice to herself.

Still, to think that particularly Sasha, the laughing Sasha, was afraid of getting close to people, hurts so badly that it catches him off guard, like he can sense her pain through this letter…and her anguish at hearing Ymir reach this conclusion. The Commanding Officer rereads these paragraphs and now the familiar feeling of anger returns…although not at Sasha herself, but at her descriptions of receiving violence in her training and being forced to always be polite and obeying her Marley superiors.

 _And then we wonder why Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Falco, Gabi and even Sasha herself acted that way?_ He mentally wonders; he's not excusing the warriors for what they've done, but this explains a lot about their behavior and their secrecy. Hell, he's been yelling for an entire month that executing Falco and Gabi won't stop the war or improve the island's negotiating attempts with the other nations; why on earth does everyone insist that they need to act their revenge on two brainwashed kids?

"Is this rough behavior the trigger I've been looking for? The trigger that brought Sasha to the point of abandoning her spying mission and risking Marley's wrath?" He utters and can't help but think about the irony of Sasha's conversation with Ymir…the Titan Shifter had assumed that Potato Girl's politeness was due to her embarrassment for her origins, while in fact it was there because she had been forced to use it. "Is this how it feels like, being a warrior or a spy for the Marleyan military? Beneath the sense of honor and the rubbish of atoning for their ancestors' sins…is that the real truth behind everything? A feeling of being unable to resist?"

 _"_ _Sasha…you're gonna care what other people think and be someone you're not your whole life? What a crock of shit. You're fine as it is, so talk in your own words for crying out loud!"_

 _"_ _Ymir, Sasha is who Sasha wants to be. Her words will always be her own. And I happen to like her."_

 _This exchange between you and Historia gave me food for thought for the rest of the night, Ymir. When I heard you say that I'm fine as I am and that being someone I wasn't was a crock of shit, for a moment I truly thought that you had seen through me. That you had discovered who I was and indirectly told me to send Marley straight to hell._

 _But like I said, these words of yours didn't only teach me that the only one who could define my true self was me. I also learned that, in order to defend myself, I had to become tougher and speak my mind…using harsh words if necessary. You lived for yourself…you had allowed specific people to get close to you, but you didn't use them to hide behind their backs. You protected them, but you only lived for yourself, without allowing anyone to shape you into someone you weren't._

"She really _was_ terrified of us discovering her secret. Not because of how we would react, but because she didn't want to be reminded of her past!" Jean exclaims, his mind returning him to that conversation with Sasha and Connie when they were seventeen, Sasha saying that she didn't go back to where she lived and her clear terror when he told her that their hardships as a soldier shaped her. Apparently his suspicions are right; Sasha's fear back then had its roots to the impression that he had discovered something about the past she was trying to get over.

It seems, though, that this tough sarcasm Ymir displayed helped Sasha in finding her self-confidence, just like Historia taught her how to be herself without allowing the past horrors to define her whole life. And man does Jean admire Ymir for this reason; rudeness or not, she was always focused on her personal goal; protecting Historia was due to her own choice and not because someone had assigned her this mission; even her sacrifice wasn't a forced one, she returned to Marley fully aware of the consequences.

"Maybe this is why Historia didn't grieve for her so openly…because she knew that Ymir had chosen this and wouldn't want anyone to change her mind," he states, laughing at the thought of Ymir going ballistic at the plans everyone has for Historia and yet being proud of the Queen for her decision to win some time by giving birth to her child first.

Judging from what Sasha's saying next, she had the exact same thought.

 _I reached that conclusion when Historia told us about the letter you sent her…about what had befallen over you. I was already suspecting it after discovering you had the power of the Jaw Titan…and then after you disappeared with the Armored and the Colossal Titans. Your sacrifice saddened me and I mourned for you, but in the end I had the consolation that even this sacrifice was your very own choice and that you decided it with a clear head._

 _Marley had broken me for four years, giving me a mission I knew would end in the deaths of countless people. I think, thanks to your advice back then, I realized that my decision to defect from Marley was the right one. And so my plan, at least its first part, started taking a solid form._

 _It was time for me to be tough and stand my ground._

"What plan, though? And which part? You said this plan was already in motion when you arrived in Paradis and that Historia and Ymir helped you detailing it more carefully. But how did you know how you would proceed? How did you manage to leave some open room for changes and adaptations?"

Still, the end of the letter brings a small smile on Jean's face, despite the rage at how Marley breaks the Eldian children who enlist at the military. But damn, Sasha _was_ tough even as a cadet and he had recognized it even when they bickered all the time and he considered her nothing more than a glutton and a fool. And right now, even with the anger and the confusion, he can't help but feel actually proud at Sasha's decision to stand her ground and stay loyal to her decision to betray Marley, although her plan still was under formation.

He recalls his previous thoughts, that everything is so fragile in the regiment this period of time and that there are suspicions about people acting behind their backs and leaking the information about Eren's imprisonment to the island's residents.

If that is true and some of his comrades willingly go against the Survey Corps…is he really in a position to judge Sasha for keeping everything a secret, when, apparently, her only betrayal was against the nation they're at war with?

* * *

 **A/N: Soo, my friends, another chapter has come to an end, hope you liked it :D Someone is slowly changing his mind about Sasha being a traitor to the group, tehehehe ;) Next chapter will be posted next Sunday as an early Christmas gift :)**


	10. We hate what we fear

**A/N: Heyyy guys, how are you? I just finished this chapter, didn't have time during the week with studying for college and a frustrating writer's block, but here we are, your regular Sunday chapter is uuuup ;) Really hope you'll like it, things are getting even more confusing for our favorite squad ;)**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Thank you so much for the review, I thought it would be interesting to add a deceased character in Sasha's series of letters (and I miss Ymir so much, she was cool). Take your time with your story, I'll make sure to read Chapter Two whenever you post it :D**

 **This fic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga and especially the Marley arc, particularly concerning that GODDAMN Chapter 105 and the actions of a certain suicidal bastard.**

 **The title is inspired from a quote of William Shakespeare's _Antony and Cleopatra_ "In time we hate that which we often fear" **

**Disclaimer:** **I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which inspired this story**

* * *

Jean has barely processed this question concerning Sasha and his quick judgment for her actions, when a slight commotion coming from the shooting range catches his attention; mostly voices, a panicked one and some other, calmer ones, talking simultaneously and sounding as if something serious is bothering the recruits who are training there.

"Seriously, if they're arguing for nothing again…" He mumbles as he stands up to approach them, carrying the now closed box in his hands, Ymir's envelope neatly placed in its proper series, between Historia's letter and the sixth one, whose receiver he doesn't know yet.

Still, no matter the questions going through his head, he can't help but feel guilty for the younger members of the Survey Corps, whose voices draw nearer as he walks towards the training grounds. Lost as he is in the newest revelations since yesterday, worrying about Historia and Connie, trying to guess Zeke's intentions and to suppress his anger towards Eren, he hasn't even thought about how the newcomers are facing the current situations. Most of them went through their very first battle in Marley, only a month ago, and surely they have difficulties to copy with that; others haven't even fought once, joining the Scouts after their return from Liberio as new recruits or transferring from the Military Police and the disbanded Garrison.

 _Some Commanding Officer you are, Jean, forgetting to look after the rookies…as if you've forgotten what it means to be a rookie yourself_ , he mentally scolds himself because he remembers too well what it means to enlist in a new military branch in the middle of a war with all odds being against you; he has been through this process twice; first as a twelve-year-old in the Cadet Corps when he dreamed of Wall Sina and then as a fifteen-year-old in the Scout Regiment when he wished to avenge his friend and fight for everyone's freedom.

"Hey, will you stop being so hard on yourself, already? You carry too many burdens as it is, your guilt will only break you more!" There it is again, his inner voice that visits him so often lately, the voice that sounds so much like Sasha that it pains him almost as much as when she got shot…as if someone is playing a cruel prank on him…not allowing him one moment of rest. Hell, he knows it's a result of his subconscious, but right now the voice in his head almost sounds like Sasha when she told him that he needed to stop being so rude and actually open up to people.

 _Too many burdens…how about the burden_ you _gave me, Sasha?_ He wonders, for the thousandth time, why everyone is so persistent that he needs to understand and whether it has something to do with what Sasha says in her letters or with something else.

He finds three recruits gathered around one of their comrades; a boy around fifteen years old, who's grabbing his head in his hands and desperately tries to take deep breaths in order to calm down, to no avail. His friends, a boy and two girls, are giving their best to give him some courage, one by patting his back, one by whispering encouraging words and the other by keeping curious bystanders away, since the scene has caused several glares from the rest of their comrades.

 _Why the hell are they staring as if it's a pleasant sight?_ Jean sighs at the teenagers' recklessness and quickly shoots them an angry and demanding glare, making them disperse and return to their training. Only then does he focus on the panicking soldier, gesturing that there is no need for them to salute.

"What's your name?" He gently wants to know, his calm voice contradicting the boy's distraught state.

"S-Stefan Bauer, C-Commanding Officer," the young recruit replies between his attempts to breathe normally. "F-Forgive me for r-reacting like that, it's…it's stupid…"

"Stop it! I swear, Stefan, stop with this nonsense, you're not stupid!" One of the girls snaps at her comrade before turning towards Jean with a frustrated expression and her blue eyes filled with tears. "Please, sir, tell him yourself that being afraid doesn't make someone stupid!"

"I'm not just afraid, Lena, I'm also useless!" Stefan intervenes, stopping the Commanding Officer from speaking, although Jean sighs sadly, understanding immediately what the problem is. "I've been training for hours and I barely hit the target, I'm basically dead meat!"

 _It's started_ , Jean thinks, contemplating the best way to comfort the adolescent who will be forced to fight against the forces of all nations in an unknown amount of time. _The recruits started to realize that they're not merely playing war, they're actually participating in one…it's the moment of growing up, the same one we went through as teenagers as well._

 _Do they regret joining the Scouts? Do they believe that they enlisted for nothing?_ He wonders, recalling his own doubts of four years prior when he first joined…when he didn't believe he would survive his first expedition outside the walls no matter how much he tried to appear as brave and composed.

 _Back after the battle in Shiganshina, Floch accused the Recon Corps of deceiving its recruits. I had thought it was due to shock and of course I don't believe that we're deceiving them, but…but isn't that what I originally thought of them too? When you are a young recruit and you think you're one second before perishing…is that a thought it comes to everyone?_

 _What was Sasha thinking about when she got shot by Gabi and she talked to us about the box and asked for supper? What was really going through her head…since she knew or suspected it would come to this point?_

He quickly coughs and focuses back on the four friends, not wanting to drown himself in his qualms about everything they are going through at the moment, knowing too well what it means to be fifteen years old and feeling like an adult…as you see your whole world crash before your eyes and you don't know if you'll be alive in a few months.

"Stefan, try to take deep breaths. Of course you're not stupid, fear is something completely normal. Help him…Lena, right?" He turns towards the girl who addressed him earlier and she nods, kneeling down next to Stefan and attempting to calm his breathing.

"Now," Jean goes on after several minutes, when the boy's breaths come easier and not as shallow as before, "where exactly do you find difficulty in hitting your target? Is this weapon heavy or hard for you to use?"

"N-No, sir, not all…quite the contrary, I'm concentrating too much, I take my time in aiming and yet I can't…!"

And these words, this honest expression of a young soldier who's facing difficulties in training, travel Jean to a memory he recalled only today, before he started reading Historia's letter, and a small smile of relief appears on his face because now he knows what is the best advice to give to the confused teenager.

"Maybe that's what holds you back…the fact that you hold in order to aim." He states, trying not to chuckle at everyone's perplexed expression, since they all think aiming properly is paramount. "If you aim during practice, you can take your time, of course, but you also stall that way and your hand can lose its strong hold on your weapon…and if you miss your target, you can train for as long as you like. Out there, though, during battle, it will only be a matter of seconds."

"And if we delay, the enemy can use it to take us down or attack us faster." One of the boys adds, nodding in recognition, and gasps of realization echo from his friends' side, while Stefan looks at the Commanding Officer, now impatient to hear where this is going.

"That's right. Out there you will need to focus on your target, trust your eye and shoot immediately. You won't have the luxury to wait and aim." Jean concludes, repeating the exact same words Sasha said during her archery lesson and realizing that this is basically what all of them have been doing for years; when in the middle of a battle, you have to act quickly and shoot without having the time to wait for the right aim.

"I've heard these words before."

Everyone turns around, startled due to the new voice that joins the conversation and, as a result of irony maybe, Jean recognizes the red-haired girl Sasha advised that day, the one who was training in archery and also needed to understand that aiming is a luxury during a battle. He barely suppresses the bitter laughter that threatens to escape because, apparently, life keeps throwing him ironies and memories these days, when the only thing he wants is concentrate on the letters and decide with composure what he should do and what exactly he needs to understand.

"Scout Blouse told me the same thing when she trained me in archery," the newcomer explains to the others and they stare at her with wide eyes, surely not expecting to hear the name of the elite soldier who died so cruelly when the battle in Liberio was already over. The girl's voice has a sad tone while she speaks, now addressing the Commanding Officer specifically. "Forgive me, it's just…I miss her very much. She was always kind to me and was an excellent archery teacher."

It hurts…it really hurts…hearing a new recruit speaking so highly about Sasha…realizing how loved she was by everyone and how no one can get over the dark void her death created…while simultaneously knowing such a terrifying secret about her past and fighting against his anger for all the secrecy. It's like Jean's unable to breathe right now, like something's grabbing him tightly and isn't letting him go…he really needs to go away and proceed with the letters, otherwise he'll probably lose it in front of the younger ones.

And man is it already difficult for him to hold back the sudden tears…the unexpected tears that contradict his previous furious reactions.

"You are right, she…she advised you well that day," he therefore comments after coughing a couple of times. "Then…would you maybe show Stefan how exactly you can all shoot better?"

"Of course! Come, Stefan, you'll see it's nothing, you'll get it in no time!"

"Th-Thanks!"

 _That's how we used to have each other's backs, no matter how much we bickered. Not like now…when we don't know who from the Scouts leaked the information about Eren's imprisonment to the public and turned common opinion against us._

* * *

When he enters the building of HQ, intending to report to Hanji about the recruits' training and Onyankopon's plans about their defenses, another commotion welcomes him, this time coming from the mess hall; two people quarreling intently, their voices easily recognizable and belonging to Connie and Floch. Leaving a string of whispered curses—seriously, the tension in the regiment is high enough without everyone's bickering—Jean carefully makes his way towards the room, finding a smug Floch arguing with a fuming Connie, the later looking ready to physically attack their comrade.

"Get a grip, Connie, we need every capable soldier and you slacking off isn't helping anyone!"

"Oh and _you_ will tell me for long I'm allowed to mourn for my best friend's death?"

 _Ouch! Seriously, Floch? You think Connie's slacking off because he can't get over Sasha's death?_

"A death you haven't gotten over yourself despite wanting to prove the opposite," his inner voice speaks again in his mind, but he pushes it aside to focus on the brewing argument.

"You should be more active exactly because you're mourning for your best friend's death! And right now we have two Marley brats captive and no one's doing anything—"

"For the thousandth time, Floch, executing two misled Marley kids won't stop the war, otherwise we'd have thrown them from the airship after Gabi shot Sasha!" Jean chooses this moment to interfere before Connie can reply, making Floch shoot him a glare full of smugness and contempt, although he hastily tries to diffuse the fueled anger. "I know you want some sort of justice, but we can't take it out on two minors."

"Justice? Justice? You think this is about justice, Jean?" Floch spits out, raising his hand when he sees both Connie and Jean ready to object, a sign that he has more things to say. "You still don't get that Marley needs to be _eliminated_ so Paradis can win its former glory and Eldians their freedom?"

"Glory? You think we give a damn about _glory_ , you close-minded idiot?" Connie's voice sounds hoarse from all the yelling, although, as Jean observes him now, something darker and deeper is marked in his expression, worse than him defending his right to grieve for Sasha and he wonders what the hell has transpired. "This isn't just about Marley, it's about the other nations too…they think we're the true enemies and all this because we fought a battle in Marley _for the sake of Eren and the ape's plan_!"

 _Ah, yes, of course would the Secret Plan be mentioned_ , Jean sighs while thinking very thoroughly about his next words, not truly surprised that the discussion has taken this specific turn. _Everyone knows that Connie blames Eren for what happened to Sasha more than he blames Gabi and Falco…and everyone knows that Floch shares Eren's opinion on Marley and eliminating the island's enemies._

 _What truly led to Sasha's death, though? Is it really only the chain reaction Eren and Zeke's plan brought? Does it have anything to do with her abandoning Marley? She wasn't murdered_ during _the battle, though, she died afterwards…so what exactly happened?_

"Listen, Floch, I know you are afraid of what Marley will do to us and I know that it's easier for you to see them only as enemies," he speaks as calmly as possible and thank God Connie doesn't protest to his words, understanding the meaning behind them. "But we can't act recklessly, not when everything is against us already."

"Oh, like _you_ are one to talk, Jean," the auburn-haired Scout scoffs and now his smirk is ironic, even cruel, one would say, before adding with venom in his tone. "As if you don't enjoy keeping Eren prisoner…you hate him because you are afraid of his powers and what he can accomplish with them…and Sasha's death gave you the perfect opportunity to lock him behind bars and use him as a scapegoat, right?"

"Wait, what?!"

"Excuse me?!" Jean exclaims at the same time with Connie's frustrated gasp, unable to believe that Floch actually dared to utter these words, the horrible message they are relaying knocking him off guard. "You really think I would use such cheap methods only to frame Eren? That I would use Sasha's death for some stupid personal vendetta or something?"

 _I may be angry…I may be confused as hell…but I would never,_ never _act like that only to get back at Eren…especially not with Sasha and especially not when I try to figure out her motives myself._

"Regardless of our personal opinion on Sasha's death, Floch, Eren disobeyed orders, abused the Scouts' trust in him and put everyone in danger and he needs to answer for all that!" Connie backs him up and now his rage has almost an energy of its own, reminding nothing of the humorous and sometimes silly way with which he used to solve arguments; now a shell has replaced him, Sasha's demise having broken him completely and, Jean fears, to the point of no return.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." Floch shrugs and turns away, shaking his head, as if wanting to indicate that the other two men aren't worthy of his time anymore. "But when the time of the final battle comes, don't come to me to say that I was right all along."

"Don't worry, we won't!" Jean calls after him, but the other one has already taken his leave, closing the door of the mess hall behind him, with the two elite Scouts trying to process everything that they said.

"What the freaking hell was that? What has gotten into this guy?" Jean is the first who breaks the silence after several moments, his voice sounding hollow, soft and yet desperate in the large room; not how he would normally handle a quarrel like that, but Connie knows how hard it is for him to stay composed and therefore it has no sense to pretend otherwise in front of his friend.

"I think I know…actually, I wanted to talk to you about it. Jean…I think Floch is one of the soldiers who has turned against us."

Connie's revelation catches Jean off guard so much, that he needs to sit down, not feeling so well all of a sudden, his head spinning and making him sick. He disagrees with Floch most of the times, that's true, but there's a huge distance between disagreements and potential betrayals…God, as if this goddamn war isn't enough, why can't he get a freaking rest from all the intrigue that's surrounding him?

 _First Sasha…it needed great effort to admit that maybe she's telling the truth and that she stayed loyal to us…and now Floch? Siding with Eren is one thing, but…but actually turning on the entire regiment?_

He remembers the first interactions with his comrade only too well…when he first transferred and was all smug and jested him and Squad Levi for considering themselves veteran soldiers…and then after the battle of Shiganshina, how he got on everyone's nerves with his accusations that the Survey Corps deceived its recruits. Jean had tried to be compassionate back then, believing that this was only Floch's shock and fear speaking—no one stays the same after their first battle he was the sole survivor of a suicide attack that cost even Commander Erwin his life. And then again he was against building an alliance with the anti-Marley volunteers, openly supporting Eren's opinions and then not hesitating to kill innoscent bystanders during the battle in Liberio. And again…the mere thought that he has committed such an act…

 _Betrayal is one of the worst things someone can do_ , Jean recalls how Sasha began Zeke's letter, her words oddly fitting to their current conditions as he looks at Connie, who looks worriedly back at him, genuinely guilty for placing such a burden on him.

"Connie…what did you discover?"

"Last night and after Hanji telling us about the events in Wall Sina, I walked around a bit, I couldn't sleep. And suddenly…suddenly I spotted Yelena sneaking around the corridor that leads to the dungeons." Connie explains and lowers his head, knowing that the mention of Yelena's name as part of the conspiracy he's suspecting isn't helping, even though it's something he has to tell Jean so he can decide the course of action he deems the best. "I thought it looked quite suspicious, but I wasn't sure, that's why I didn't tell you earlier."

"And what changed?"

"After leaving the graveyard today I saw her at a secluded corner near HQ, talking to Floch…they looked really nervous and constantly looked around to make sure no one was watching them. They didn't spot me, but I _did_ hear Yelena say that she needs to visit Eren as soon as possible…and Floch added that maybe seeing Reiner might be worth the risk too!"

 _Reiner?_

 _Yelena and Floch want to approach Eren and Reiner?_

 _Eren for his alliance with Zeke and their plan…and Reiner for his warrior abilities…maybe they think they can recruit him for whatever reason if they talk to his warrior side._

True, Reiner hasn't shown any signs of wanting to turn against Paradis or even accuse them as descendants of the devil like he would in the past...but Connie saying that Yelena and Floch consider him important says a lot to Jean, whose mind is working at full speed in order to figure this out. Reiner lived in Marley for years, was devoted to his mission because he thought that was his duty…and surely his vulnerable mental state is an extra advantage for those who conspire against the Recon Corps.

 _They surely think that, if they play their cards right, they can convince Reiner that working with them will be the perfect chance for him to take his revenge and free Gabi and Falco!_

 _And then I judge Sasha for her secrecy, when she apparently only moved against Marley and not against us? When she went through all this trouble to leave behind letters explaining the thirteen reasons why she defected?_

 _We knew that the volunteers' motive was uncertain since they followed mostly Zeke's instructions when they arrived here. But Yelena and Floch…_

"Jean?" Connie's concerned voice brings him back to reality and he realizes that he hasn't said anything for quite a while. Jean coughs, attempting to calm down, and takes a deep breath in order to share with Connie what he has in mind.

"We shouldn't tell anyone yet…except Hanji and Levi, of course," he says and Connie nods in agreement. "And let's keep an eye on both Yelena and Floch for the next period of time. If they're planning something, they'll probably act before Eren's trial in a couple of months…and we need to find out what's going on before then."

"Got it."

 _More things to figure out…damn it, will this vicious cycle ever stop?_

 _Wait a minute!_

 _Sasha mentioned the volunteers in Falco's letter…she said she started overhearing conversations in order to find out what had happened to him. Which means that she wrote the letters_ after _their arrival here._

 _Is it possible that she discovered something about them in the process?_

 _And does it have anything to do with me needing to understand everything?_

"Connie," he hisses in an attempt not to start yelling due to all odds being against them and the despair that's slowly overwhelming him, "is it okay if you go and talk to Hanji about it, since you're the one who discovered this? I'll talk to her as well, tomorrow, it's just…there's something urgent I need to do tonight."

 _I must proceed with the sixth letter right now! While we have time before we all sink._

* * *

 **A/N: Hohoho, it seems that things are getting more and more urgent, bahaha! Do you think Letter Six will shed some light to the mystery? And who could it be addressed to, hmmm? Questions will be answered next Sunday, until then I wish you all a very happy Christmas! :D :D**


	11. The one who followed her passions

**A/N: Hello, everyone, how are you? Enjoying your vacation? Another chapter is here, we've reached Letter Number Six and things are getting more and more serious (I know it's not the most pleasant thing to read during festivities, but what can I say, been in a dramatic mood of writing after Sasha's death). In any case, I really hope you'll like it.  
**

 **Since I understand that the series of letters might be confusing for you, here's the order of letters we've read until now:**

 **Letter** **One: Sasha's parents**

 **Letter** **Two: Falco**

 **Letter Three: Zeke**

 **Letter Four: Historia**

 **Letter Five: Ymir**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Thanks for letting me know that the series of letters is confusing, hence why I resumed them, hehe, I think I'll do it with every new letter we reach. Thank you so much for your kind review, especially since I wasn't very sure of the quality of Chapter Ten ;) I'll make sure to read your new one-shots and I hope you'll have a very happy New Year! :D :D**

 **This fanfic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series and especially the Marley arc (I SO can't wait for Chapter 113!), so be warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which gave the inspiration for this fic.**

* * *

 _"_ _Sorry to leave you here, Sasha."_

 _"_ _It's okay. It's not like I can go anywhere in this state, right?" Sasha makes an attempt to joke as she sits on the windowsill of the infirmary, with a bandage around her forehead, steadily recovering after the injuries she sustained during the battle in Shiganshina._

 _Connie leaves a chuckle at his closest friend's comment, but Jean frowns at the memory of the unconscious Potato Girl lying on a bedroll on that rooftop in Shiganshina and the rest of the squad gathered around her and an equally unconscious Armin, discussing what they should do and feeling relieved when she woke up and told them to shut up because they were too noisy. He observes her now and can't help but notice the small changes; the way her gaze has softened and isn't mischievous and teasing anymore, her pale face, the way her shoulders are tiredly slumped and how she has wrapped her arms around her knees, as if she's afraid of another attack._

 _It shouldn't be a surprise, of course; with only nine members of the Recon Corps as the sole survivors of this battle, with Commander Erwin dead and Hanji trying to adapt to her new role as his successor and Dr. Jaeger's diaries explaining the truth about the nation beyond the ocean, no one stayed the same. But still, it's weird and somehow dramatic, seeing the usually cheerful Sasha so serious and lost in thought; her optimism used to annoy him and yet now, when he sees her like that, he hopes she will gain her trademark hopeful attitude with her recovery._

 _"_ _Well, I get it, though…the military commanders need your report about what happened in Shiganshina and everything we learned about the foreign land…surely they'll see Marley as the enemy and the one responsible for everything." Sasha concludes, averting her eyes from the two of them and staring at the window and the chilly day outside and, for the first time since he met her, Jean can't interpret her behavior, since it's as if she wants to block some really disturbing thought._

 _"_ _Why do you say that, Sasha?"_

 _"_ _Because there's a fine line between fear and hatred. When the military found out about Eren being a Titan Shifter they wanted to take him down…how do you think they'll react to a whole new land that created the mindless Titans in the first place?" She elaborates, turning back towards them and locking her fiery gaze on them, as if she wants to pass a really important message. "And Marley sees us as the enemies already, right? That's what the diaries said! Who knows what awaits us…and what will happen from now on," the last sentence comes as a whisper, a desperate one at that, and the two boys exchange worried looks, not knowing how to comfort her._

 _But it seems that there is no need for them to find a proper answer, for Sasha quickly takes some deep breaths and offers them a laughter and a ringing laughter that sounds like the good old Sasha who manages to find a small ray of hope even in the direst situations. Not that her laughter actually convinces Jean and Connie that she is fine, having glimpsed her uneasiness, but they respect her wish to appear as calm._

 _"_ _Ah, look at me, looking all broody all of a sudden, seems you're rubbing off on me, Jean!" She teases, laughing again at Jean's pretended protests to the characterization. "I bet it's the last thing you guys need before you depart for the strategy meeting!"_

 _"_ _Which is why we brought you a little snack, so you won't have to raid the kitchen," Connie snickers, handing her a napkin with the apples he and Jean collected before visiting her and smiling at her face lightning up from joy._

 _"_ _I'm afraid we didn't bring you any potatoes, though."_

 _"_ _Potatoes? Jean, what on earth are you talking about?"_

 _Approximately an hour later, when the members of the Scout Regiment mount their horses to take their leave, Jean throws a last look up, towards Sasha's room, and spots the Potato Girl still on the windowsill, eating her apple and looking like a little girl, with a tranquil expression on her face as she watches everyone leave. Spontaneously, he lifts his hand in a comforting farewell gesture, a relaxed smile marking his face at the sight of her returning it._

 _The future is uncertain, but at least the former members of the 104th help each other mend their wounds._

* * *

At least that's what Jean thought back then, before the whole world was torn apart around him.

'There' a fine line between fear and hatred', he recalls Sasha's words, thinking that he just found out about something she said in the past as a hint about her backstory, although he didn't know back then. Because of course would Sasha be worried about the revelations concerning Marley and the Warrior Unit…perhaps not only because she thought her own role would be exposed, but also because of the potential changes and obstacles this would mean for whatever plan she had.

 _Of course! She said so in Historia's letter, after all, that she needed to predict possible outcomes and yet leave enough room for unexpected turns and adaptations. Hell, maybe that's why she didn't know what to do with her initial plan at the beginning, because the truth about Marley hadn't been revealed yet!_

Surely he's still a long way from guessing what Sasha's plan actually was, but for the first time he feels he's on a good path, especially after Connie's suspicions about Yelena and Floch and their secret conversation; he senses that this development is somehow connected to everything Sasha wanted to abandon with her defection and that his own doubts are correct; this series of letters is more than Sasha's wish to explain her actions and the reasons why she betrayed her birth land…this is much deeper than he originally thought.

Still, Jean doesn't intend to stay complacent that he has started figuring this out, not when balances in the regiment are so fragile and with letters waiting to be read and interpreted by him. Which is why he opens the sixth letter without further hesitation, determination and curiosity motivating him more intently than ever, since he hopes that the letters will help him in this time of need.

 _When Commandant Keith Shadis filed our final reports upon our graduation from the Trainee Corps, he wrote I was 'unconventional'._

 _Interesting use of words. It somehow has a vague meaning, hasn't it? Like when someone asks you your opinion and instead of saying "This is good" or "This is bad" you say "This is interesting" because you don't want to express your thoughts or hurt the other's feelings. Same with 'unconventional'…instead of saying "Sasha Blouse is a capable soldier" or "Sasha Blouse doesn't have skills as a soldier"._

"…What?"

The introduction is a great surprise for the nineteen-year-old Scout, who stops reading and blankly stares at a spot on the wall across from him, now something like shock freezing his mind and rendering him unable to focus. This comment about the vague use of words sounds painfully familiar…and creates a possibility he hasn't even thought about before, but now it can't leave him alone.

 _Could this be my letter?_

* * *

 _"_ _My, my, someone has cut her hair." Jean states with a goodhearted laughter as he catches Sasha staring at her reflection in the small mirror of the room, forgetting for a moment that he's come to tell her they have an urgent strategy meeting with the leader of the Asian clan in a while and his worried thoughts blocked away at the sight of Potato Girl tilting her head from side to side to observe the results._

 _"_ _Yeah, it was getting too long and I…I needed a change." She explains chuckling and while tying her freshly-cut brunet hair in her trademark ponytail before turning towards him. "Makes me feel more…more like an eighteen-year-old soldier, you know."_

 _And Jean has to admit that it_ does _make her look like an eighteen-year-old…the shorter strands that fall from her ponytail suiting with her more mature expression that contradicts the childish one she had a few years ago. It's not as short as Mikasa's, but it suits her; it makes her still look like the Sasha he met, but a more combative one._

 _"_ _It's…an interesting look on you, Sasha," he says with honesty, but a frown marks his face when he notices her slightly lowering her eyes and losing her smirk that brightened her up. "Hey, I didn't mean it as an insult!"_

 _"_ _Oh, oh, I know, don't worry about it. It's just that…intriguing choice of words, isn't it? You said 'interesting', you didn't say 'good' or 'bad'. It's rather…diplomatic, wouldn't you say?"_

 _"_ _I…I guess that's one way to look at it."_

 _In fact, Jean can't really understand the sudden bitterness that is evident in Sasha's voice and how exactly the conversation turned from teasing to serious so quickly, but it seems that his words triggered something in her. He's been noticing the changes on her ever since they found out about Marley and started negotiations with Zeke and the Asian clan; something has broken in her, turned her more melancholic and focused and now she attends every meeting with concentration and keeping the humorous interruptions at bay._

 _"_ _Anyway, come on, we don't want to keep our…esteemed guests waiting," he says in the end and she nods, although he runs a hand through her shorter hair as she passes before him to calm her down. "And this will be a very…interesting gathering," he adds, smiling when she laughs at him repeating the same diplomatic word from earlier._

* * *

Jean doesn't know how he's made this connection; after all, this could be merely inspired by their discussion and shouldn't be an actual proof that this is his letter. But right now he can't even find the strength to continue reading and see if he's correct or wrong; he's left the parchment back on his desk, without paying attention to Sasha's words or even the familiar surroundings of his office, he's just drowning in the possibility of what he's about to learn, should this be his letter indeed.

 _What's my role in all this?_

 _How did I contribute in Sasha's decision? Where do I come in this plan?_

 _And why is my understanding everything so important, even more important than Connie understanding his best friend's actions?_

 _And how…how on earth am I supposed to react to everything I'll learn? I'm already numb and can't react to Sasha's own death, how will I handle her revelations she'll trust me with?_

It's a vicious cycle of confusion, grief, anger and denial and right now, as he faces the probability of having reached his letter, it's like he's feeling it stronger than yesterday, when he first learned about Sasha's past and his blind rage didn't allow him to think clearly. There's no escape, though, and he knows it; he abandoned the wish to throw the letters away long ago and now he knows he'll do what he has to do and continue reading. He takes a deep breath, steels his nerves and picks up the letter again, impatient to reach the point where Sasha addresses by name the respective letter's receiver.

 _Oops, I said "is" instead of "was". My bad. By the time this letter reaches you, I won't exist anymore and you have to get used to mention me as past, not as present._

 _Anyway, here comes the big question for you._

 _What the hell is wrong with being unconventional? In a world where great changes are about to happen, what's so wrong with finding new ways to discover the root behind everything?_

 _Maybe now you start guessing who this letter is dedicated to?_

 _Commander Hanji Zoe, hello there._

Jean needs to reread the last sentence a couple of times in order to process the fact that his fear is indeed groundless and that this isn't his letter…that he's reading Hanji's now. It should bring him some sort of relief, actually, because it means that he has still time to prepare himself for when his letter comes—not to mention that a letter meant for his Commander definitely means more information about Marley, Sasha's plan and everything else he needs to understand.

Key word here is 'should'.

Because instead of relief, he's only overwhelmed by a sudden and terrifying sense of disappointment that scares even himself and makes him believe that he's definitely going crazy. Disappointment and a dread of the unknown at the same time, together with utter pain at the cold way with which she once more speaks about her own death; so distant and raw, like she didn't see any way out of it.

 _I really thought for a moment that my turn had finally come…When is my letter, Sasha? Where the hell do I stand in these letters?_

And then there's the thought he made while reading Zeke's letter, that the higher the number of the letter the greater the receiver's importance for Sasha. It's still quite early to tell whether this is true and surely the next couple of letters will shed more light to this…but _if_ it's true, it creates another string of questions for Jean and what his role in all this was.

 _If it's true…if the importance of the receivers is relevant to the number of letters…then what does this mean for me? If I'm not number six…Sasha, where did you place me in your letters…and, most importantly, why?_

It creates scenarios he doesn't dare to think about…he hasn't dared to think about for quite a long time, ever since he realized that this world doesn't encourage emotions and happy endings…and yet it can't leave him alone, triggered by the possibility that the sixth letter could be his.

"But it's not, Jean, _it's freaking not_! This letter is Hanji's and you have to continue if you want to make some sense from all this madness!" He tells himself, speaking loudly so he can process his own words as they sound in the silence of his office…and with slow movements he picks the letter and continues reading the words meant for someone as unconventional as Sasha herself.

 _I spent three years in the 104th hearing about your accomplishments and skills and watching you once a month when you returned with the rest of the Scout Regiment from your expeditions beyond the walls. And yet even from back then, I heard people talking about your unconventional methods and…well…your crazy character._

 _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, their words, not mine, I swear. After all, 'crazy' is a word people have used to talk about me as well and some of my comrades even asked me whether I was related to you._

 _Anyway, I thought it was interesting. Four years enduring the harsh environment of the Espionage Unit of the Marley military and then three years of training in the Cadet Corps…and suddenly I find out that someone out there doesn't follow the current…isn't cynical or sarcastic and constantly on edge like the superiors I had met until then. That someone was a free spirit and cheerful, going against those who believed that showing emotions didn't suit to an elite soldier._

 _I grew to respect and appreciate that; it was a different note to the fear and hopelessness that was evident that period of time because of the mindless Titans—all these unfortunate Eldian people who had been exiled to Paradis by the Marleyan government. Not to mention that I was curious to find out how exactly you experimented and examined the nature of Titans…it would give me a different perspective than the one I had known for so many years._

Of course would Sasha appreciate the reckless and enthusiastic way with which Hanji dealt with the Titans, even though the vast majority of the Scout Regiment and the military in general considered her out of her mind. Having grown up in Marley, where transforming people into mindless humanoid giants was commonplace and where the young Warriors thought it was an honor to inherit one of the Nine Titans, it was something different for her to interact with a Squad Leader that faced them as fascinating and worthy to be investigated.

And come to think of it, it's normal that she wanted to find out more about the nature of Titans and what made them like that. Since Sasha wasn't a member of the Warrior Unit, she didn't have access to knowledge like how exactly they were transforming or what distinguished the common Titans from the Abnormal ones. She only knew that they were Eldians who were doomed to this endless nightmare either because they had resisted the Marley authorities or because they had been brainwashed into thinking that it was their honor and privilege…and that Falco, the boy she had taken under her protection, could one day suffer the same fate.

Yet out of all commanders and Squad Leaders she met and who could give her a deeper perspective on this issue, Sasha chose to trust the most unconventional one, possibly because she was quite the unconventional one herself, tired by everyone saying how Titans need to be eliminated the moment someone encounters them. Yep, that definitely sounds like the Sasha Jean knew, the one who always found something to hope for, the one who could joke even during fights, when she was scared out of her mind.

 _Copying mechanism?_ Jean thinks now, as he's still attempting to conclude whether Sasha's behavior all these years was genuine. _After harsh training in the Marley military and being scared of getting close to people…could her jokes not just be part of her character, but also part of her trying to deal in this messed up world we've been thrown into?_

It sure as hell wouldn't surprise him; after all, he grew fond of her pranks and jokes after their reconciliation, finding them refreshing and a ray of sunshine in the dark mess the Survey Corps had to face. Maybe Sasha thought Hanji was the most capable to give her a new point of view for the same reason; not just due to her research and scientific skills, but also due to her excitement and happiness.

 _Well, Commander, congratulations. You were the definition of 'unconventional' and yet everyone respected you. I envied and simultaneously admired that…especially since Marley considered me a pawn and the 104th a goofy Potato Girl. I was the hopeful and teasing friend to everyone, but I had moments of struggle, when the fear for my friends and the anger towards Marley overwhelmed me._

 _I wasn't even supposed to become a Scout. I was determined to join the Military Police and live safely behind Wall Sina. Marley's orders, as well…to be as close to the Paradis government as possible, since the fake excuse for a king the island had back then held pretty much the secret of the true royal family and, thus, the connections to our history and Marley itself._

 _But then something happened and I reconsidered. I decided that I would disobey Marley's orders once again…that I wouldn't waste my life away with the corrupted MPs. I won't tire you with explanations about how I ended up with the Scouts—it's a story for another letter._

"Seriously, Sasha? You drop the bomb that someone inspired you to join the Corps and then you say it's a story for another letter?"

 _I only hope this someone isn't the suicidal maniac, I don't think I'll handle it._

In a sudden, though, all thoughts about what made her choose the Scouts fade away, for he realizes with a gasp and a stab of fear that a part of Sasha's assignment from Marley has just been revealed, in oddly fitting circumstances since this is the Commander's letter. And not just part of her plan, but also one more aspect, one more fact she took into account as part of her resistance against the place she grew up in.

Because of course would the Marley government be concerned about the Reiss family residing within Wall Sina, especially since they believed back then that the Coordinate was in their hands. So they ordered Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt to retrieve it, but surely they needed a spy to find out which member of the family held it…and make sure that the lords of the inner wall protected the knowledge about the walls and humanity's past well hidden.

 _And that's where they needed Sasha, though she didn't do them the favor. She initially wanted to enlist to the Military Police, I remember it…though not as a spy, but in an attempt to live safely without the fear of Titans and taking part in a war. And then came the battle of Trost and changed us all…and what else made you change your mind, Sasha?_

It's ironic and unbelievable, how he's stopped doubting Sasha's every word due to the secrecy she kept all these years…how he's reading and trying to process everything Potato Girl's saying in order to solve the mystery surrounding her. It makes such a great difference to how he was yesterday, as if the suspicions about Floch and the volunteers broke him and created him the need to believe Sasha and hope that he can find some light in this tunnel.

 _Long story short, I, Sasha Blouse, enlisted to the Recon Corps, scared about the future and mourning the people I had lost in the Battle of Trost—the same people I was supposed to rat out and yet never did. My plan back then wasn't under formulation yet. I had taken some actions and started adding details (thanks to you, Historia and Ymir), but I didn't know what I would do next and how I would handle everything. I didn't even know whether I'd survive my first expedition…I was pretty much at a dead end._

 _And then, in a sudden, I heard you talking about Titans and how interesting and amazing they were. I choked on my lunch at hearing these words as every rumor I had heard about you became reality because, until that point, you were the first one who used the words 'Titans' and 'amazing' in the same sentence. You see, Commander, I wondered how you weren't afraid to talk so openly and lovingly about Titans…how you didn't care about what anyone thought of you._

 _It was unconventional and interesting to witness and a whole new perspective for me. You followed your passion even though you knew that most people didn't understand your way of thinking. It's how all of us should act…in our own way, finding new solutions, without being stopped by the fact that other people underestimate us because of that. And this is the way I should act as well, without being stopped by my Marleyan training. I could use the knowledge I had gained from it to help Paradis and the Scouts, even if it meant a more unique point of view._

"Beat the enemy at their own game." Jean nods with a proud smirk on his face as he realizes what Sasha was planning to do. He sends a mental 'thank you' to Historia and Ymir, who, according to their letters, helped Sasha accept her past and move on without it anchoring her…because, even though he doesn't know Sasha's exact plan yet, he now sees that she wanted to use her spying skills for the sake of her own plan and the Scouts, not for some mission Marley gave her.

 _After all, if it was effective, it would be worth the trouble…not to mention that I wouldn't endanger anyone I cared about that way._

 _And thanks to the possibilities you opened, Commander, I started formulating my plan. I had already made some moves and I already had valuable clues in my hands that would help you, but I still didn't know what to do with them and how to proceed._

 _Thanks to you, I was freed from the dead end and I finally knew what I could do from that point._

 _So when I returned from the 57th Expedition, I sat down and started thinking seriously about what I had, what I could do and all the possible outcomes that could come from my actions. And when I cleared my head and allowed my mind to open to different and unconventional paths…that's when my plan took form for the first time since I had decided to show Marley that they didn't own me._

The 57th Expedition…the rite of passage for every new recruit of the Recon Corps back then. Despite having already participated in a fierce fight in Trost and saw countless comrades falling victims to the Titans, nothing had prepared them for the massacre they witnessed as members of the Scouts, where Annie obliterated a huge number of brave soldiers in her Titan form…including the original Squad Levi and almost Armin and Jean themselves.

"Did Sasha face the certainty that she would die after this? After all, she _does_ say that she sat down after the expedition and concentrated on her next steps."

Different and unconventional plans…so much like Sasha indeed. It's as if it was another blow she would deliver to Marley, whose commanders forced her to be polite, dutiful and sneaky in her childhood, Jean thinks as he slowly reaches the end of the sixth letter. She created a plan true to herself, not following the common logic…making adaptations and changes during the way and yet with a somehow clear image about where all this would end.

 _It's similar to something you told me when we discussed our alliance with Zeke Jaeger. It was you who told me, in a moment of emotional turmoil, that he could be sacrificed in order to save a dying person. So this person could gain his power and win thirteen more years…so this monkey wouldn't use anyone as a path towards royal-blooded heirs who would inherit his Titan. That you would keep a constant eye on him to make sure he wouldn't backstab us._

 _With your words in mind, I continued devising my plan and slowly completing it._

 _And before you consider me egoistical or suicidal…well…continue with the letters. You'll soon understand that when I first formulated my plan, I took every single one of you into consideration._

A loud sigh escapes Jean's lips as he finishes the letter and places it back in its envelope, once again coming across the unwanted alliance with Zeke. He was present when Hanji said this to Sasha and still remembers the Commander's distraught expression when she expressed her wish to find the strength and sacrifice the Beast Titan to someone who would be saved from gaining thirteen more years of life instead of forcing Historia and then her child to inherit his power.

 _We could have saved Sasha that night! If only one of us had the strength…then Sasha would be alive and the ape wouldn't be able to harm us!_

 _With what cost, though?_

 _How would Sasha's plan proceed if she had survived? And, in light of recent events…how would the conspirators react to Zeke's sacrifice?_

Sasha promises that she took them into consideration and that she didn't act egoistically or suicidally…as if she fears that the following letters will give the receivers this impression.

It's just a passing, fleeting thought…but Jean suspects that Sasha would rather die than accept Zeke's power and owe thirteen more years of life to him.

* * *

 **A/N: My, my, is someone's emotionless mask starting to shatter? I have to admit I enjoyed writing the chapter, hope you'll enjoy reading it as well ;) Is Jean right in believing that the higher the number of letters the greater the receiver's importance, though...and, in that case, which number do you think is Jean's letter, eeeeh?**

 **Aaaanywayyy, I guess you guys have to wait until the next chapter for more revelations, bahahaha! Until then, happy New Year to all of you! :) :)**


	12. Burning up since she left

**A/N: Hello, hello, hellooo :D It's four in the morning here and instead of sleeping I finished the 12th chapter, hehehe :) Hope you'll enjoy it and be warned, some major feels start coming to surface, bahahaha! ;) ;) Anyway, did you guys read Chapter 113? If you did, 1) how did you find it, 2) what do you have to say about Levi being in absolute GOD MODE and 3) am I the only one who really wants to punch Floch?  
**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Ohohoho, I like the trail your thoughts are following, my friend ;) I like it very much indeed, hehehe :D And you're welcome about the list of letters, I'll do it whenever we reach a new receiver so no one will be confused.**

 **This fanfiction contains MAJOR SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga chapters and especially the Marley Arc (which, in my opinion, is one of the craziest of the entire arc), as well as several parallels to the TV series _13 Reasons Why._**

 **The title of this chapter is inspired from a beautiful song by Sam Smith called "Burning" and special thanks to my friend T3lis who introduced me to this song and this singer in general.  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series which inspired this fic.**

* * *

 _How much would you sacrifice for those you care about?_

 _How much would they sacrifice for you?_

These questions can't stop circling around Jean's mind as he's heading towards Hanji's office, too restless and impatient to wait until tomorrow in order to share his thoughts about the possible traitors of the regiment, but also about what he learned in the letter addressed for her. In the wake of the betrayal that threatens not only the Scout Regiment, but possibly Paradis Island itself, he believes he needs to discuss the new discoveries with the Commander as soon as possible, especially since she has already known the letters and thus allows him to be less secretive. Right now he can't even feel angry towards Floch and Yelena and their mysterious actions…he's frozen, totally blank, like he can't react anymore after suspecting that Sasha, whom he considered a traitor too, was honest in the end.

 _But still, how much would someone be willing to sacrifice? To risk?_

 _Eren believes he's on some noble quest or something and hasn't hesitated to risk all our lives for that…either in order to save him when he's abducted or to assist him in a fight we didn't even want to participate in._

 _Ymir sacrificed her life; literally…for some sense of justice and retribution, I guess…by returning to Marley the Titan power she took from Marcel all those years ago._

 _And I even considered sacrificing Zeke…another person…in an attempt to save Sasha's life when she got shot. Actually sacrificing him, like the Reiss family did for a hundred years, creating a circle that Historia maybe won't be able to escape from._

If his past self could see him now, Jean contemplates with a bitter laughter, recalling how arrogantly he used to behave towards everyone while rambling about the Military Police and the safe life he would lead there…but also how he was as a fifteen-year-old and how much the thought of fighting other people disgusted him. And here he is now, mourning a dead girl he was close to while trying to handle the revelations about her and wondering why he or anyone else didn't find the strength to give her Zeke's power to save her life.

 _Come on, Jean, really? Would it really be strength? You know very well that this would eventually destroy us…how would the volunteers react if you sacrificed their leader? Not to mention…a freaking Titan transformation in the Scouts' airship? We'd all be blown into a hundred pieces!_

 _And then it's my previous thought…how would Sasha react if she owed her life to someone she didn't trust?_

She went through all this for the sake of a plan Jean still hasn't fully grasped…seriously, what goes through someone's mind to do what Sasha did? All the secrecy, the need to predict pretty much everything, coming to terms with the possibility, the _certainty_ of dying…and leaving behind thirteen letters explaining everything and tasking him with a burden that's important for him to discover unless he wants everything to go down.

 _What could it be, though? And why am I the key to everything? So many other receivers…Historia as Queen…Connie, the one she considered a twin…Mikasa, the strongest soldier of our generation…Commander Hanji…and yet it's me who needs to understand? Why?_

He can't even wonder about himself anymore and how much his attitude towards this mess has changed. Only yesterday he was furious, was on the verge of throwing the letters away, lashed out at Sasha for not revealing them anything while she was alive…and today he acts as if he's come to terms with everything…as if her secrecy is minor compared to everything he must figure out before it's too late.

 _Too late for what, though?_ Is his next thought and he realizes startled that he doesn't even know for sure how much time he has left. _Until the possible traitors strike? Until Marley attacks? Until Eren's trial? How much time do I really have?_

And then there's the matter that he still finds himself unable to burst out about everything torturing him for a whole month…his argument with Mikasa made him vent out his confusion for the letters and everyone's annoying persistence, but he knows too well that he has countless other issues to solve, from the two kids of Marley and how he's gonna handle their imprisonment to Sasha's death itself; Armin's words come back to him, his warning that Jean will eventually break if he doesn't mourn properly for the lost Potato Girl. Of course, the fact that even the recruits and Nicolo, a Marleyan prisoner of war, miss her and can't get over her loss doesn't help at all—if anything, it only adds to this weight on his chest that makes him unable to breathe whenever he thinks about it.

 _Not now, Kirstein. Not. Freaking. Now!_ He mentally repeats the same motto he's been following ever since he was a young Scout recruit. _Now you can't afford it…First you have to solve this mystery and then everything else._

Thus, ignoring the burning ache, he takes a deep breath and knocks on Hanji's door, not surprised to find her talking with Levi, both with perplexed and tireless expressions as they study several reports the Commander has sprawled messily on her desks. Jean manages to sneak a peek over the papers as he sits down; old files about the volunteers individually and their team in general, reports about how they first arrived to the island and everyone's role in the anti-Marley movement, as well as Floch's personal file.

"Did…Did Connie talk to you about his recent discovery?" He hesitantly begins the conversation, not actually knowing where to start from and how he should address his superiors; until now, the Survey Corps has only faced enemies and obstacles outside the regiment and now they're confronting betrayals from within.

"He did. And you two do well to trust us with your suspicions; we may not know who exactly is against us, but we're also one step closer to find some answers." Hanji nods, even though Levi's scoff indicates that he doesn't share her fragile hope. "We put things down and we think that this plan is on the move for a while now…long before Eren left for Marley."

"What do you mean?"

"Eren may be reckless and act idiotically, but he wouldn't leave for Marley to meet Zeke without some serious backing up from comrades who would help him sneak out. And considering that Yelena is Beardy's most trusted follower and the one who first led the volunteers here…" Levi doesn't finish his sentence, although Jean does it for him, noticing the Captain's suppressed wish to go back to the forest and impale Zeke with at least four Thunder Spears.

"Yelena and Eren could have met in secret? Zeke is the one who forged the alliance with the Eastern Nation, but he could have his own plan and joining the Scouts could only be useful for him…without actually sharing our views." The Commanding Officer mumbles, half to himself and half to Levi and Hanji, trying to make some sense out of all this. "And Floch is known to support Eren and be furious at us for imprisoning him…he even accused me that I used Sasha's death to blame him for everything."

"We know, Connie told us everything. And I think you're right…if Zeke has his own plan with Eren, then the alliance of their two most loyal followers is a crucial point." Hanji nods, sensing the younger Scout's distress and guessing the deeper roots behind it, but not pressuring him to talk further about it. "And then there's their intention to approach Reiner…"

"No doubt because he's a warrior with a fragile mental state…not to mention, Gabi's cousin and Falco's protector. Surely they think that they can turn him to their side if they use the right arguments."

"A risky gamble at best if that's what they want; especially since Reiner switches between personalities." Levi comments, rubbing his chin before addressing another point. "And then there's the issue of Eren's imprisonment being leaked to the population of Paradis…Correct me if I'm wrong, but two people couldn't have possibly spread the news so quickly."

"So what you're trying to say, Levi, is that…" at this point, Hanji stops speaking for a few moments and briefly closes her healthy eye, as if mentally preparing herself for the heavy conclusion she's about to make, "…that Yelena and Floch have allies within the walls...allies who helped them leak the news in a short amount of time."

"Exactly. Both of them know that people consider Eren a leader…Humanity's Last Hope. They knew too well what they were doing when they revealed his imprisonment…they turned the entire population of Paradis against us."

Jean silently watches the interaction between Commander and Captain, observing how restless Hanji looks (more restless than he remembers her from the past when she enthusiastically studied the nature of Titans) and how Levi masters all his composure in order to talk calmly about the current situation instead of insulting Zeke or threatening to punish those who move behind their backs. They are the veterans of the Scout Regiment, have seen countless comrades fall on the battlefield and yet, despite their lack of knowledge about what's going on, they're willing to have a calm discussion and try to find out what led things to this point.

It's such a different environment from the talks he's had with Eren and Floch, who passionately support Marley's elimination and a new, glorious era for the people of Paradis…their dark and almost devious expressions as they speak with indifference about the hundreds of innocent civilians and even _children_ that were killed during the attack in Liberio…how they consider them nothing more than collateral damage and necessary sacrifices.

And in a sudden, as he once more recalls the argument from earlier, the conclusion appears before his eyes like it's nothing…like the only thing he needed was to examine every detail to realize the obvious…and realize that this is, indeed, running way deeper than it seems.

"Sasha's death," he states and Hanji and Levi cease their discussion to listen to him. "They use Sasha's death to back up their claims and win the support of the people…with three Marley warriors captive, one of which killed Sasha…and we refused to execute them immediately…"

"And this gave them the chance to tell everyone how incompetent and sentimental they are." The Commander completes his trail of thoughts and starts cleaning her glasses, even though she gives the impression of simply wanting to keep her hands occupied due to the stress.

 _And to think that Floch and Yelena don't even know about the letters and Sasha's past in Marley_ , Jean mentally states, but the temporary relief becomes terror almost automatically, since a fact he didn't take into account before takes shapes in his mind. _Wait a minute, though…Eren does!_

 _Of course he does, he's read the letters already…and he considers Sasha a traitor to Paradis!_

 _So what stops him from—_

"Oy, something interesting written on the window, Jean? You spaced out there." Levi's sarcastic voice brings him back to reality, although the younger man doesn't answer at once and continues staring out of the window, overwhelmed by the countless possibilities this new scenario creates, should it ever come true.

 _If it hasn't already_.

He wants so badly to stay in denial. To convince both himself and the other two people in the room that something like this only belongs to the sphere of his fantasy and his messed up state. To assure everyone in the regiment that this scenario he just imagined will never be fulfilled. Hell, to scold himself for being such an idiot and banish this thought from his mind.

But he knows he can't afford this attitude. And he knows equally well that the aforementioned scenario can be realized any day now…that it's very possible that it has been realized already and that it's the root behind Floch's smug behavior. This past month since Sasha's death and the months before, during Eren's absence in Liberio for the sake of a plan the Recon Corps was forced to comply to, are proof enough that all this isn't just a result of a grieving mind.

 _But how to address the issue in front of Levi?_

"Jean?"

"Um…actually, Commander, there's…there's also something else I wanted to talk to you about. Something…relevant to Floch and Yelena conspiring in Eren and Zeke's favor." He reluctantly begins, briefly throwing a guilty look towards Levi before averting his eyes immediately, knowing that he's on the verge of sounding disrespectful, but not knowing in what other way he can say everything he's thought about.

Hanji observes the Scout sitting across from her, pure shock marked on his face, as if he can't handle whatever he just realized and wishes to discuss with her. Not that she doesn't have a very good idea what this is about and she throws a side glance towards Levi, trying to hide her amusement and simultaneous sadness at Jean not knowing yet that the vast majority of the letters' receivers are people he knows very well. Besides, as she silently watches him now, she can guess which letter Jean has reached to behave like that and still be unaware of the Captain's role.

"It's alright, Jean, you can speak freely." She therefore assures him, giving a gentle tone in her voice in order not to startle him further. "Levi knows."

The Commanding Officer turns towards her so abruptly at the revelation, that he has to rub the back of his neck afterwards to relieve it from the slight pain the movement caused him, amber eyes travelling from Hanji to Levi and vice versa. Despite having Hanji's permission and encouragement to talk openly about what's bothering him, he still needs several moments to fully grasp this new piece of information…to grasp the fact that Sasha, in her letters, trusted not only the unconventional Commander, but also the irritable Captain; Humanity's Strongest.

 _The two people with the highest rank in the Scout Regiment and the Queen of the Walls herself…is it me or could there be a pattern?_

 _Did Sasha choose Hanji, Levi and Historia only because she knew and trusted them for years? Or because they have the necessary authority to deal with the aftermaths of her death, the letters and whatever plan she had?_

"So," he leaves a dry cough to prevent more thoughts from sneaking in and distracting him further from everything he has to say, "first of all…last night I went to talk to Eren. I had realized he could be one of the receivers and, since he had met Falco in Marley, I wanted to know his opinion on the kid."

"And since when are you the optimistic one, believing that the idiot would give you an answer?" The Captain scoffs, as if it should be something obvious; Jean brings his fist to his mouth to conceal the soft chuckle that threatens to escape him and Hanji can't help but laugh loudly at her old friend's statement. "Anyway, if you've stopped snickering like kids, may we continue? What did you find out Jean?"

"I just assume…since Eren has already read the letters and Floch is his loyal follower…who guarantees us that he won't talk to him about Sasha's past? Just so they can have one more leverage against us…to reveal to the public that we had a former Marley spy under our roof for seven years and we're so useless that we didn't realize it?"

"The story of the letters could be revealed…and Sasha's name tainted forever…" Hanji hisses and lowers her gaze for a moment, as if recalling the funny Potato Girl she had in the regiment for four years. "Jean, you and your friends have talked about everything that's happened with Eren ever since Sasha died. Do you really think he's capable to do something like that?"

"Well… _some_ people believe Eren cares about us more than anything." Jean doesn't reveal who, although, judging from Levi's scoff, he knows exactly he's talking about Mikasa. "I, on the other hand…have reasons to believe that he's lost his humanity completely."

And to think that only last year, Eren rambled about how he wouldn't allow anyone of the team to inherit his Titan powers…saying that he wanted them to live long and fulfilling lives. Before he can lose himself in the memory, though, Jean notices a change on Hanji's expression…now she's smiling, perhaps for the first time in this month, and her gaze has something sly as she stares at him.

"It's nice to hear you talking about Sasha as a 'former' spy." She elaborates with a small chuckle, sensing the young man's confusion at how she acts. "It is different compared to how furious you were in the morning. Floch and Yelena's potential betrayal struck you really bad, didn't it?" She concludes, her smile now disappearing as if wiped away, as she remembers too well how desperate Jean was for some answers when he first approached her about the letters only yesterday.

"Well, I received some heavy scolding about how idiotic I am…and I realized that anger and mourning can wait until I find out what's going on…not to mention that she's started revealing Marley's mission for her in your letter, Commander." The nineteen-year-old explains with a subtle gesture, indicating that Hanji's letter is the one he's reached. "And there's something else…in Historia's letter, she…she didn't mention her pregnancy at all…just spoke vaguely about it."

"You're right. How come you mention that detail?"

"If Sasha didn't want someone in this series of letters to know about the child…if there's someone she was afraid of…someone who possibly triggered her defection…and messed her up to the point of being afraid of people…what gives me the right to judge her so cruelly?

"And something else!" He exclaims in a sudden, grasping the opportunity to ask her about the suspicion that's been torturing him ever since he suspected that the sixth letter was his, "and forgive me for being so bold, but…but first I thought that the sixth letter was mine."

"The sixth, huh? Any particular reason?" Levi wants to know, his face a mask of supposed indifference, but he can't help but share another secret look with Hanji and mentally feel sorry for the boy and for everything that's coming.

 _As if the sixth letter could be yours…you have no idea, do you?_

"Just that…well, when she talked about diplomatic words…we had a similar discussion when she cut her hair." Jean reveals and the fond memory makes his facial features soften almost immediately and a hesitant smirk to creep up on his lips.

"If only things could be that simple, Jean." Hanji sighs and now it's not as if she's talking to a soldier, but rather to a friend she wants to advise. "But when the time for your letter comes…come find Levi and me, alright?"

"B-But…but Sasha said we have to read alone!"

And the instinctive horror that packs Jean at his Commander's words, the panic that worsens the burning in his chest, is so intense that he can't even think about the fact that he's using a dead girl's instructions to counter Hanji's advice. He only _can_ think about the fact that there must be some very important reason for her to say this.

"Why? Why should…what's in my letter?" The words escape him before he can suppress them, his voice coming out so meekly and whispery that the two older Scouts find it hard to hear him. "What's my role in all this, how…how did I help her in the end?"

Lost as he is in the dark void of his panic and his assumptions, he only barely hears Levi hissing something that sounds like 'oblivious sentimental brats', even though he can't react to the comment…right now, it's a miracle to him how he's even able to breathe calmly when he's on the verge of completely freaking out. Still, he knows that Hanji and Levi don't deserve to deal with his stress; he may not understand why the former believes he'll need other people present when his letter comes, but he _does_ understand that he can't pry further.

 _After all, I'm sure I'll hear the same answer that I should keep reading and that it's crucial for me to understand, especially if we have traitors within the Corps._

"I hate to admit it, Hanji, but you were right this morning." Levi tells her after Jean's taken his leave and after the three of them decided to keep a close eye on Floch and Yelena and reinforce the guard in Reiner and Eren's cells to ensure that they won't be able to approach the two imprisoned Titan Shifters. "The kid _is_ lost."

He is aware, of course, that Jean and everyone else of the 104th aren't kids anymore…that they stopped being kids long ago, thrown from their adolescence in a hellish war and forced to grow up beyond their age. Still, he might not be willing to admit it, but the soldiers of the 104th who became his new squad, the same soldiers who showed so much potential from the beginning, are seen precisely as kids by him and Hanji. He hasn't talked about it with her, but he knows she shares his opinion…both of them are unable to see them as mere subordinates.

Hell, maybe that's why Sasha's passing has left such a strong impact on them and they can't face it as another skilled fighter.

"He is. And you were right this morning too, I _know_ he'll take the right decision with composure, like he's always done. But until that time comes…and if he doesn't burst out soon…." Hanji stops and sighs, wondering how she'll manage to find the courage to deal with everything that's coming, "we have to make him clear that it's alright to miss her, no matter the secrets she had."

* * *

 _It's a quiet funeral, with only the Survey Corps attending and some Military Police soldiers, who've come to take Gabi and Falco back to Wall Sina, where they'll be imprisoned until their trial. Now they're standing in the near distance, with the two children tied up next to them, Gabi trying to escape while screaming profanities at them and Falco futilely attempting to calm her down so she won't make their position even harder. The MPs, on the other hand, act like they couldn't care less; they only shove Gabi when she yells too loud, but all in all they stand there with bored expressions on their faces and sometimes even snickering at the little girl's hysteria._

 _"_ _Seriously, they don't even respect that we're at a goddamn funeral?" Jean hisses as he walks through the newly-made graves where the eight comrades they lost during the battle in Liberio are buried._

 _To be honest, he wishes he could simply yell at them to go the hell away, since it's obvious they don't even want to be here, but no words can escape his mouth. Ever since Connie announced, back on the airship, that Sasha succumbed to her fatal wound, Jean's fallen into a state of shock; faking calmness to be effective in the mess the Scouts are currently facing and barely exchanging words with anyone save for his close friends, Hanji and Levi. Right now he can't even react to Floch's smug assurances that the 'Marley brats' will pay and that a new era is dawning for the Eldian Empire; he doesn't even have the strength to give him the respond he has in mind._

 _He finds Mikasa and Connie at Sasha's grave; the black-haired woman sitting down, with her back rested against the cold gravestone and the latter staring at it with a blank look that equals Jean's. The Commanding Officer wishes he could offer them some sort of consolation or even yell at them that Sasha wouldn't want to see them like this…but he knows that such words are absolutely useless and even sound hypocritical, since he's in the exact same state. How the hell can he offer them consolation when he sees no consolation himself…when he tries to deal with the fact that he'll never joke with Potato Girl again…when he can't even react properly…when there's a burden in his chest that prevents him from venting out like he wants to._

 _"_ _You haven't let it from your hands since we arrived." Connie's whispery words distract him a little and he looks at the wooden box Sasha gave them before she died._

 _"_ _Yeah, I wanna make sure no one will even think to open it and see what it has." He explains; not even he and Connie have opened it, knowing that they would be practically betray Sasha if they did. "Now that the funeral's over I'll make sure that it's sent to the written address," he concludes and Connie gives him a nod of gratitude, as he's in no position to take any actions._

 _Still, it was Sasha's last wish and the two men want to make sure it's fulfilled._

* * *

Damn it, why is he remembering the funeral today of all days? Right when he has to be more logical than ever, his mind goes crazy and reminds him of the most tragic moment of this month. Is it because he's started viewing Sasha's story with more compassion? Is it because he needs to hold on his memories to escape from the cruel reality of betrayal he's living in? Or does it have to do with the pain in him that's particularly intense for him today?

Whatever the reason, Jean decides as he sits down and unlocks the drawer where he keeps the box with the letters, pain or not, it's time for him to go on.

* * *

 **A/N: Sooo, my lovelies, another chapter has come to an end, hope you liked it :) My, my, will our protagonist burst everything at some point? And what could his letter contain, hmmm? Well, I guess some questions will be answered next weekend, when we have Letter Number Seven, hehe ;)**


	13. The one who rose from the Underground

**A/N: I'm so, so sorry for not posting a chapter last Sunday, studying for college exams has really taken all my energy and I didn't have any strength left to write :( But here I am again, with a fresh chapter only for you...a new letter...and a crucial point to the plot, I might say, we're slowly approaching the half of the story and the really serious reasons, guys.**

 **A quick reminder about who the previous receivers of the letters were:**

 **Letter** **One:** **Sasha's parents**

 **Letter Two:** **Falco**

 **Letter Three:** **Zeke**

 **Letter Four:** **Historia**

 **Letter Five:** **Ymir**

 **Letter Six:** **Hanji**

 **Lieutenant Myst: I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to sadden you so much :( I have to warn you, though, great depression is ahead of us, my friend, poor Jean-boy doesn't know what awaits him. Which manga is it, the one you read, do you recommend it?**

 **This fanfiction contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series and especially the Marley arc. Also, this specific chapter has SPOILERS about the fourth episode of Season 3 of the anime, so be warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _Thirteen Reasons Why_ TV series, which inspired this story.**

* * *

 _Sometimes your reputation precedes you and you have to fight through thick and thin in order to show that you've earned your current position. Without having to prove anything to anyone except yourself. And when you achieve it, then your reputation and your origins become your personal shield and weapon instead of a liability. I never managed to reach that level no matter how hard I tried. I knew that, in my case, my past would always be a liability for myself, my friends, my regiment and my plan. I could use my knowledge from the Marley military as a weapon against them, but my past and the rumors about me, should my origins ever be revealed, would always haunt me. Hence why I never found the courage to openly talk about it to anyone, not even those who would probably understand._

 _I'm sure you know what I'm talking about…don't you, Captain Levi Ackerman?_

 _Much like Commander Hanji—a Squad Leader when I first joined the Survey Corps—your name and achievements were a legend amongst the young cadets of the 104th. Humanity's Strongest Soldier, a man of unprecedented skill and determination, someone everyone respected and feared. And, according to jealous and malicious tongues, a rat from the Underground who had used who knows what means to rise that much._

At this point, Jean stops reading and raises his head, the introduction of the seventh letter bringing up new thoughts to surface as he tries to connect the dots together. A small, ironic smirk is marking his face, as he has the impression that the universe keeps throwing unexpected and sometimes even tragically funny facts at him…he only found out a few moments ago that Levi's involved in this series of letters and, coincidentally or maybe not so much, the next letter he's bound to read is his; right after Hanji's.

 _Things are getting serious the more I proceed. Could I be right? The higher the number of the letter….the more important the receiver's role for Sasha and her plan?_

 _Is it really a coincidence that Levi's letter is right after Hanji's? The Commander and Humanity's Strongest Soldier…did Sasha have another pattern in mind when she decided the order she would follow in her letters?_

But then he reads the first three paragraphs again and realizes with a gasp that there _is_ a pattern, just not the pattern he suspects, and he recalls his previous assumption that Sasha chose Historia, Hanji and Levi because of their position of authority and thus because of their capability to formally support her plan. Only now does he conclude that Potato Girl had something else in mind…and everything he's discovered until now, combined with the newest information, gives him the clues he needs to reach the truth.

Because Sasha didn't choose Historia because she's the Queen, but because she reinvented herself for five years, just like Sasha had been assigned a spying mission in Paradis that gave her the chance to find out her true self.

And she didn't choose Hanji because of her status as former Squad Leader and now Commander, but because of her unconventional and enthusiastic way to see things, just like Sasha was unconventional in her way of thinking and was always enthusiastic and hopeful about everything.

And now, as it seems, she didn't choose Levi as Humanity's Strongest Soldier, but as someone who hailed from the infamous Underground City, lived who knows what terrors there and yet managed to rise to Captain of the Survey Corps and pretty much a living legend in Paradis Island.

Jean himself has to admit that he always respected and admired Levi's skills, even in the past when he was an arrogant brat who dreamed about the wealthy and safe life of the Military Police; yet Sasha's letter is a reminder that Levi lived under extremely difficult conditions, that he was forced to protect himself from a very young age and that he faced despise, poverty and death even from his early steps.

 _Just like Sasha in the Liberio Eldian neighborhood and later in her training in the Marley military._

It's still early to discover how exactly Levi inspired Sasha to defect to the forces of Paradis, but the feeling of upcoming overthrows and intent revelations is evident in the air as Jean picks up the letter again and continues reading, involuntarily smiling when he reads the next words because, for once more, it's like Sasha's directly answering his inner thoughts as she addresses their irritable Captain.

 _Few things were heard about your story before the Scouts and that didn't change when we became recruits under your command. Hailing from the Underground, raised in harsh conditions and showing great potential even back then. The picture didn't clear even when your story was told by a certain vengeful and sadistic uncle, who surely exaggerated at some points and shaped the truth to fit with his own sick ideas._

 _Still, the circumstances behind your departure from the Underground and the enlistment in the Scout Regiment weren't ever revealed—people kept talking and guessing, of course, that won't stop no matter how many years pass. Stories and assumptions were made about blackmails, bribes, a murder you had to escape from, vicious enemies, kind friends, but no one came forward to confirm or deny any of it._

The Commanding Officer can't help but chuckle, recalling only too well the gossip and rumors he hears about Levi and his past almost every day, mostly from the new recruits but also from some sarcastic close-minded jerks in Wall Sina; in fact, gossip and rumors is something he's been hearing since his cadets days, not only for Levi, but also for all the high-ranking Recon Corps officers and, after some point, him and his friends as well.

"Vicious and sadistic uncle indeed," he mumbles bitterly and the memories invade his mind…one of the darkest periods for the Scout Regiment, with their expeditions forbidden, demands to surrender Eren and Historia and facing accusations for crimes they hadn't even committed…hell, even coming close to imprisonment and, in Erwin's case, execution.

If he wants to be honest with himself, though, despite the fact that Kenny had made their lives a living hell and forced them to fight and kill other people, it was his lineage that gave them the first clues about the Ackerman family, how they were hunted down and how their Awakening power worked. But as he tries to suppress his memories in order to focus on the letter, there is a persistent one that's not leaving…concerning the girl who wrote said letters and who, in retrospect, acted in a very odd way when they first learnt about Kenny's origins.

* * *

 _"_ _Stop it…" the Interior Police man groans in pain and fear, his breathing coming out rather heavy and ragged due to the severe beating he's receiving for quite a while, courtesy of Levi, who maintains his emotionless mask as if it's another normal night for him; as if he's not hitting a man for information and as if the Recon Corps aren't facing accusations for something they didn't commit._

 _"_ _Where are Eren and Krista?"_

 _"_ _Heh…Oh, you're so brave", the other soldier scoffs and even manages an ironic smirk despite his obvious pain; a smirk cruel and cold that sends shivers of fear down Jean's spine and he can practically hear Connie trembling next to him, since they still find it difficult to accept that their current enemies are other humans. "That checkpoint back there was just recruits who could barely wipe their own ass. You think you're some sort of hero, beating them down?"_

 _Overwhelmed by the guilt this comment causes him, but still unwilling to show it in front of his Captain, Jean throws a secret glance towards Connie and Sasha, only to meet the same guilty gaze staring back at him. He knows exactly what all of them are thinking right now; after all, they too had a role in today's events, their invading the aforementioned checkpoint allowed them to capture this officer in order to learn something useful about Eren and Historia's whereabouts._

 _"_ _What an atrocious thing we've done." Levi states, yet with such a blank voice that no one can tell whether he means it or not and the former members of the 104th feel completely dumbfounded at his composure, like he's not fazed at all by the fact that circumstances forced humanity to turn weapons against each other._

 _In the next moment, though, they all flinch and even look away at the gruesome sight of Levi shoving his shoe right into their prisoner's mouth, his pained noises only increasing their guilt and disdain at everything they've done until now and everything they'll probably do in the future. Violent attacks, killing other people, torturing them…they know there's no other way given the actions against them, but for the fifteen-year-olds, who only battled Titans until now, it's an unprecedented shock…it's like they're losing the last bits of innocence they have and like they're growing up abruptly._

 _"_ _But what's more atrocious is that mouth of yours. I recommend you start talking while you're still able to use it. Where are Eren and Krista?"_

 _"_ _It's no use!" The Interior Police member spits out, making Jean wonder if he keeps silent out of loyalty for his leader, out of stubbornness or out of certainty that he has nothing left to use anymore. "All that's left for you now is to run and hide inside these walls, covered in mud and shit! If you don't turn yourselves in, every last Scout we captured will get the noose! Starting with the one most guilty of all, Erwin Smith!"_

 _"_ _No! No, please, no, not again…not here too…" Sasha hisses with such a desperate voice, that it comes out as a fearful whisper that only Connie and Jean are able to hear and, when they briefly look at her, they notice the huntress's grip on her rifle slightly shaking as she shakes her head, like she's struggling with thoughts she wants to block._

 _Her behavior seems strange to both of them, used as they are in the always combative Potato Girl, but then again, Jean can't exactly blame her for not wanting to think about her superiors and comrades executed in such a way and with such accusations on them, especially their own Commander. It's barely been a couple of months since they joined the Survey Corps and the mere thought of seeing their regiment disbanded and disgraced like that is something everyone hates to think about, no matter how hard everyone tries to focus on their present problems and not drown in negative scenarios._

 _At the same time, though, Jean fights against the urge to tell the man to stop worsening his position, since his words infuriate Levi with every minute that's passing. Sure enough, he's proven right at the next moment, for the Captain grabs the other man's arm and turns him violently around, twisting him so badly that he can clearly hear his arm breaking and barely managing to suppress the flinch that threatens to escape his mouth._

 _"_ _Shut up. That's for not answering my question." Levi comments, anger clearly marking his voice, but without raising his tone…something that makes him sound even creepier and deadlier than it would if he had shouted. Some Scouts' lives are more valuable than others. Only those dumb enough to acknowledge that join us. Tell me where Eren and Krista are at."_

 _"_ _I—I don't know! I'm not allowed to know! Kenny Ackerman is a very cautious man!"_

 _"_ _Ackerman?"_

 _And it's this name, this revelation about their enemy, that freezes everyone present, even Levi himself, although he continues the interrogation based on this new fact he learned, while Mikasa looks intently at the two men, surely silently wondering about what her connection to Kenny could be. What surprises Jean, though, is the fact that Sasha, despite still looking around for any spies lurking in the shadows, seems to be the most shocked one of the group, her hazel eyes widened and now the tremble in her hand almost uncontrollable…as if Kenny's full name just brought some major change for her, even if Jean can't even guess what that can be._

 _"_ _Another Ackerman...God, what if they know?" He hears her whispering a few moments later, when Hanji and Moblit join their group. "Do…Do they know? That's why they sent…!"_

 _"_ _Sasha," he interrupts her rambling with a stern voice, although he quickly gives her an apologizing smile when she turns towards him with a startled yelp. "Let's storage this information for later, okay? For now we should go and see what Hanji-san and Moblit want to share with us and we can worry about what's going on with the Ackerman family afterwards."_

 _It's not his intention to talk to her in an almost strict tone; after all her surprise is something understandable given the circumstances and everything that's happening is causing tension and confusion to everyone. Still, being composed and focusing on one problem at a time is what personally helps him not to lose the self-control he so needs right now; the self-control that will allow him to assist the group in locating Eren and Historia._

 _"_ _Jean's right! Get your feet over here and stop mumbling like a scaredy-cat." Mikasa snaps at her friend, her voice irritated and yet with a hint of sadness, as if the revelation about Kenny has brought troublesome memories about her family to surface. It seems, though, that this manages to bring Sasha out of her trance, because she quickly abandons her nervous rambling and approaches Hanji and Moblit with her usual excited expression, asking what news they bring._

* * *

Back then Jean didn't pay much attention to Sasha's reaction, believing that she was talking about the lords of Wall Sina, the possibility of them knowing about the Ackerman family and thus sending Kenny to trap all of them. Now, though, after four years of constantly learning new facts about humanity's history and after coming across Sasha's truth, he realizes that her trail of thoughts had taken a completely different path that night. For Sasha wasn't talking about the nobles of Wall Sina, but about the entire nation of Marley, wondering how much they knew about the Ackerman clan and whether this was one of the reasons they sent her to Paradis.

 _It's not irrational if you think about it. If they wanted Sasha to join the MPs so she could track down the Reiss family and find the current holder of the Coordinate, who guarantees me that they didn't want her to spy on the few remaining surviving Ackermans as well?_

 _Could this be why she kept silent even after we found out about Marley? That she wanted to keep Levi and Mikasa protected from another nation that considered them dangerous? Not that it matters, though; right now Marley probably knows everything about them, probably through Zeke…but still, if that was Sasha's intention…_

Apparently he is proven right and there is indeed someone in this series of letters who triggered Sasha's wish to defect to Marley…someone Potato Girl was afraid of and, in the end, someone from whom she wanted to conceal Historia and the Ackermans. Maybe someone who holds a great deal of power in Marley…someone she considered a more dangerous opponent than Zeke. Not to mention that, should this be true, his doubts about Sasha's honesty and behavior towards them sound more and more ridiculous, even if he still doesn't have the courage to openly admit it and get rid of said doubts to proceed with a clearer mind.

"You've basically admitted it to yourself, though…so why is your stubbornness stopping you from admitting it out loud as well?" The voice in his head, despite all the anger that hides just beneath the surface, sounds rather playful and teasing; Jean doesn't want to think that it sounds exactly like the way Sasha would talk to him if she were here now.

He _is_ clinging to the past; that, at least, is something he _can_ admit, even though he refuses to believe that Eren is right and this persistence to find solutions through his memories is what's holding him back from condemning Sasha as a traitor to Paradis…especially since it's the suicidal maniac who accused him of sentimentality.

But leaving the way he interprets things aside, and in light of the recent conclusions he has reached after reading Hanji's letter, Jean pushes all thoughts about Eren's remarks and Sasha's behavior aside and focuses back on the letter, now actually curious to see whether Potato Girl will stick to Levi's origins or to his Ackerman nature which she, together with Mikasa's skills, wanted to protect.

 _This, in my humble opinion, is what mattered, especially since your friends in the regiment did everything in their power to stop these rumors and make people focus on your present and your service to humanity. I can imagine you scoffing right now and claiming that you don't have any friends, but both of us know this isn't the truth._

 _The truth finds ways to exist even when we don't want to admit it. It always finds a way to come back to us and then it's up to us how we will handle it._

 _I never doubted that you were Humanity's Strongest, Captain, and I saw it during the strategic gatherings we had and the countless battles my comrades and I fought beside you. But what truly made me see your title in action was four years ago, at the last phase of the Battle of Shiganshina. When two people were slowly dying on a rooftop and a heated argument had started about who would survive._

 _Two people, one Titan Serum to save their lives and a horrible dilemma no one ever deserves to face. Commander Erwin, your superior, your friend, one of the few people you trusted completely and would follow anywhere. And Armin Arlert, a fifteen-year-old soldier, freshly recruited to the Survey Corps and one of the most capable tacticians of the group._

 _I was unconscious when that discussion exploded, but I was told about it afterwards. Two sides, driven by emotion. It would be absolutely understandable if you had chosen to save Commander Erwin, yet you found the courage to honor his last wish and rescued Armin instead. And so I realized why everyone talked about your mental strength that made everyone in the military fear and respect you…and talking about you as a legend even before my cadet days._

Jean remembers the events of that day only too well, even though he was exhausted when that argument exploded, trying to deal with the huge loss the Recon Corps had suffered and making sure that Sasha was being taken care of. He chose not to participate in the violent quarrel between Eren, Mikasa and Levi, not knowing which side to take and what to say…how the freaking hell can you be objective and make a composed decision when both your Commander and one of your friends are one step before dying and there is only one Titan Serum for both of them? Hell, he almost envied Sasha back then, who wasn't forced to witness this drama and recovered from her injuries without knowing what huge a dilemma occurred next to her.

 _Floch openly wondered why Armin was spared and not Erwin_ , he recalls his comrade's words at the ceremony where the survivors were granted their medals. Floch's smug and accusatory expression and several Garrison and Military Police members' agreeing with him are clearly embedded in his mind, just like Armin's statement that, indeed, it was Erwin who should receive the serum instead of him. Jean had given Floch a piece of his mind back then; even though he could understand the other one's shock due to being the sole survivor of a suicide attack, he still thought that saying to someone he should have died was a whole other level of cruelty.

 _Could I have stopped Floch back then? If I weren't so compassionate towards his condition and everything he witnessed…if I could talk him out of the nonsense of a glorious Eldian Empire that would eliminate all enemies…could I have stopped the conspiracy that's taking shape right now?_

Still, right now Levi's decision is the main issue, not Floch's opinion, and Sasha herself expresses it clearly. Hell, even four years later and despite his relief that Armin is still with them, Jean finds it hard to imagine what sort of immense mental strength was demanded from Levi back then…to honor his closest friend's wish to die together with the recruits…to actually letting him die and give Armin the chance to live by making him a Titan Shifter?

 _Levi found the strength to grant Erwin his wish…and I can't find the strength to accept Sasha's death and openly admit that her behavior towards us was genuine and not a pretense?_ The Commanding Officer mentally scolds himself and now his initial doubts don't just seem ridiculous, but actually completely childish.

 _Seriously, Jean? You sulk around like a kid because Sasha never opened up to you about her past, while Levi basically allowed his Commander…his friend…his host to die?_

It's an unconfirmed theory, something that hasn't been proven even after all these years and hardly ever mentions it these days, even though there are still some hushed whispers about it every now and then. When they first learnt about the Ackermans' Awakening power and what actually hid behind it and when it was revealed—not that it wasn't freaking obvious—that Eren was Mikasa's host, the one she chose to follow and trust beyond anything and anyone, Levi had told them that both he and his uncle Kenny also had such moments…when the power was first triggered in them. And even if no one will ever know for sure, it's like a common theory, especially between the members of the 104th, that it was Erwin whom Levi's power recognized as host…after all, even if he disagreed with the Commander, Levi always stood by his side…and he complied to his order to freaking let him die!

As he contemplates these facts, though, Jean also recalls Sasha's reaction at this information. When her initial shock at the revelation of Kenny's Ackerman roots faded, she didn't pry further into it, she didn't get on everyone's nerves with questions in order to find out more, like Jean would expect from a Marley spy who was tasked with keeping an eye on any remaining survivors of this specific clan. She was curious, of course, but not to the brink of being suspicious, something Jean now interprets as part of her defection and her wish to keep Mikasa and Levi's identity a secret for as long as she could.

"'The truth finds ways to exist even when we don't want to admit it. It always finds a way to come back to us and then it's up to us how we will handle it.'." He rereads this paragraph with a faint smirk…Sasha might be addressing Levi with these sentences, but he acknowledges the secret message behind it…it's a message towards the letters' receivers and how they found out the truth about her even though they didn't even imagine what secrets she was hiding.

It's similar to what she said in Historia's letter, about how your past always finds a way to come back to you and the fact that it's in your hand whether you'll drown in it or rise above it. And as he thinks about the Queen, Jean once more travels to the day he departed from her residence, to Historia's persistence that he needed to understand and something she said about the memories…something she said in a meaningful way, almost as if she knew how he would react when he'd learn the truth about Sasha.

Right now, though, the memories only add to this burning feeling in his chest that's torturing him today…they may provide him with clues about Potato Girl's behavior and the hints she dropped them, but they are a torment themselves, letters and secrets aside…still lingering in his mind, together with the hidden anger, even when he tries to read without any thoughts distracting him.

 _I know how much you hate traitors and I won't blame you if you consider all this a bunch of lies coming from someone who wants to trick you all. I'd probably react the same way in similar circumstances and the purpose of these letters isn't to defend my actions and force you to agree with me. I only want you to know that I never betrayed humanity. It might seem that way, given my task and the fact I hid everything, but I never actually did it no matter the consequences._

"Then what is the purpose of these letters, Sasha? You say you want to address the reasons why you defected, but you don't want to defend yourself or manipulate us…then why exactly did you write these letters? To tell us about your mysterious plan, maybe? Or what else?"

 _You see, Captain, I looked up to you exactly because you managed to rise from the Underground, literally and metaphorically, and build a new life in an environment where all odds were against you._

 _I had come from another Underground as well, having been raised in a secluded neighborhood of Liberio where I was treated as an inferior Eldian and was forced to join the enemy's military…assigned a mission that would destroy another enemy of Marley's. Treated like nothing more than a killing machine and a pawn for others to use._

 _Well, you taught me that I could rise from this Underground, Captain. I could build a new life in the environment someone else sent me to. I could focus on my present without allowing my past to defeat me—no, it was me who would defeat it._

 _And so my plan went on. Despite the anguish and the fear, for the first time I had the impression I could beat the odds. Hell, I always hated the odds, I always saw it as a personal challenge to beat them. And even though you had to comply with two Shifters' Secret Plan despite your hatred for one of them…don't let this hold you back, Captain. It's pointless of me to say it and I'm not telling you what you should do…but don't allow them to take away your goal from you. To avenge your Commander's death and take down one of the greatest traitors we had the misfortune to work with._

 _Just like I didn't allow anyone to take away my goal from me. Not the Beast Titan, not Marley, not my fear. I went through with it no matter the odds…no matter the miscalculations._

 _Even when something happened that could literally destroy everything._

 _You want to know what I mean?_

 _It's time for the next letter._

As he reaches the end of the seventh letter, Jean lets out a deep breath he didn't realize he was holding back, once more overwhelmed by the hints, the information and the comments Sasha gave them through her words addressed to Levi. How her admiration towards the Captain quickly became hatred and rage at mentioning Zeke…hell, she even reached the point to encourage him to take the Titan Shifter down; words so similar to his previous thoughts, when he pretty much wished he could have sacrificed the Beast Titan to save Potato Girl's life.

And even though he's still battling against doubts and anger, even though he still can't openly admit that his initial impression about Sasha's past was wrong, the Commanding Officer has to admit that, the more he learns about the living conditions of Eldians in Marley, the more he understands Sasha's motivation to leave everything behind. A girl treated roughly from such a young age, used as a spy to track down, amongst other things, the members of the Reiss and the Ackerman clan, forced to go to Paradis…right now he can see why she saw the island as a new chance to discover herself, despite her fear about the future and the plan she had started to develop.

But then his amber eyes fall on the letter's final sentences…about a certain miscalculation that almost destroyed Sasha's entire plan…and Jean needs all his strength in order not to yell at the realization.

Because he suddenly has a very good idea about who the next letter's receiver might be.

* * *

 **A/N: It might not be confirmed, but I honestly believe that Erwin is the most valid candidate for being Levi's host concerning his Ackerman power...my second-best guess would be Isabel and Farlan (man I miss these guys). Anyway, another chapter has come to an end, guys, hope you liked it and I'll upload the next chapter in a week :)**


	14. The twin's wisdom

**A/N: Helloooo, what's up, guys? Next chapter is here and things are getting intense as we approach the eight letter (man, are we to Letter Eight already?). Hope you'll like the chapter and stay tuned, guys, manga chapter 114 will also be released in a few days, I am soooo hyped!**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Hehehe keep holding on that thought, my friend :D Keep holding and don't let it go ;) Noblesse, eh, intriguing title, I might check it out.**

 **This fanfic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series and especially the Marley Arc, so be warned. Also, for those who haven't watched Season 3 yet, this chapter's flashback has a spoiler about a battle that happens around the middle of the season.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which inspired this story**

* * *

"Wait, what?!" Connie exclaims later that night after dinner, when curfew hours have started, the first night patrols make their rounds and he and Jean talk in their room, trying to figure out something concerning the newest threat they face because of Yelena, Floch and Eren. "Jean, say that once more, just to make sure I heard you correctly. You're saying that—"

"It's only a speculation, I don't have any proof. But who knows, right now a speculation might make the difference in us defeating or being defeated by our enemies…no matter who and how many they are." Jean makes clear, wanting to mark his point that what he just shared with his friend still belongs in the sphere of suspicion and isn't a proven fact yet.

"You're saying that one, Floch and Yelena leaked the information of Eren's imprisonment, two, that they have help within the walls, and three, that they use Sasha's death to take the people on their side?" Connie tries very hard not to raise his voice and right now Jean can't even say with certainty which of the three points infuriates him the most.

 _And to think that he doesn't know about the letters yet…because there's a fourth point: the possibility of Eren talking to Floch and Yelena about Sasha's true past._

"Well, if Floch's reached the point to accuse us of using her death to make Eren a scapegoat…who tells us they're not doing the same for their own plans? Anyway, I talked to Hanji and Levi and we agreed to keep a discrete eye on everyone and to make sure they don't visit Eren or Reiner."

At this point, a brief silence fills the small room, both Scouts lost in their own troublesome thoughts that circle around the same things; an endless torture of suspicions and memories repeating themselves in their minds, without allowing them any rest or even some moments of relaxation from all the horror surrounding them. Jean keeps stealing a few worried glances towards Connie and mentally wishes he could protect or at least warn him from what's awaiting him; the revelations and the following doubts about the one person whom they least suspected about hiding such a severe secret.

Or maybe Connie won't go through the same stage he did when he read Sasha's first letter? Maybe his faith in Sasha will prevail over the anger at her secrecy and he will take Potato Girl's words into account without once accusing her of deception and potential treachery against Paradis Island. A part of him actually hopes this will be the case, because the regrets currently tormenting him, his self-hatred at ever thinking that Sasha's behavior was nothing more than a pretense, is eating at him as much as his guilt at being unable to save her life.

"Guilt and self-hatred, but you still haven't admitted out loud what you've deep down accepted already," his inner voice reminds him of the trail of thought he's been following for the past hours; a constant presence in his head that's there to scold him about his stupidity.

"Shut up!" Connie's hissing voice penetrates the fog that's clouding his thoughts and, at happier times, Jean would actually laugh loudly at his absurdity because, for one moment, it's as if he's answering to the aforementioned inner voice.

"H-Huh?"

"Shut up, I can practically hear your thoughts! And let me tell you that if you continue to believe that everything's your fault, that you alone can fix this goddamn mess or I don't know what else—"

"I have my responsibilities too, Connie! I didn't pull Sasha away when Gabi shot, I didn't stop Floch when I had the chance, I decided that we were forced to follow Eren's plan—"

"Oh, and let me guess, it's also your fault that the First King altered humanity's memory? And it's also your fault that Lady Ymir received her Titan Power?" Connie, despite his grief, leaves a sound that reminds Jean a lot of how his friend used to laugh and joke about everything; and he can't help but crack a small smile at his exaggerating arguments. "Jean, when the freaking hell will you stop undermining yourself so much…thinking that you alone carry the world's burdens?"

"It's not like I can simply press a button to stop this. And I guess…all this mess…the mere fact that everything's proceeding and I don't even know how to stop all this…and seeing the recruits so desperate, maturing abruptly just like we did at their age…I guess I feel I failed both as a friend and as a Commanding Officer." The other man sighs bitterly and the despair and confusion of everything he's learned until now through Sasha's letters, combined with the attempts to conceal it from Connie, only adds to the emotional pain he's been trying to suppress for a month now.

"Oh, don't give me now the I-am-useless-as-a-Commanding-Officer speech! Or have you forgotten what Sasha and I told you the day you were promoted?"

* * *

 _"_ _Well, well, guess you're the one who'll lead us to the Eldian Empire's rightful glory, huh, Commanding Officer?" Floch comments after the end of the meeting while everyone's taking their leave, irony clearly marking his voice, though to someone who doesn't know him well he would appear as someone goodheartedly mocking a friend; although Jean, who_ does _know him well, can sense that his comrade's words hold a secret meaning._

 _He's mustering all his strength so he won't give Floch the scolding he deserves concerning his opinions on a new era for Paradis...on an empire that will crush its enemies and rise to its rightful fame and freedom. Not that he's not supporting a society free of Marley's clutches, but he insists that launching an attack against the other nation isn't the most effective solution, especially since the volunteers have improved life on the island immensely ever since their arrival a couple of years ago._

 _At the same time, though, and despite his disagreement to Floch's views, he feels the burden of his new position intently, knowing that now he will have to take a more active role concerning the issues the Recon Corps needs to face, including their alliance with the Beast Titan and the Eastern Nation, the plans concerning Historia and her future heirs and how they'll handle things with Marley. Just like he knows that the majority of the military and the residents of Paradis in general share Floch and Eren's opinion that they should react violently and take their revenge on a country that sees them as nothing more than spawns of the devil and pawns they can use._

 _"_ _It's still too early to talk with certainty about all this," he prefers a more diplomatic answer, avoiding to give Floch the satisfaction of causing another one of their constant arguments, which start rivaling his past quarrels with Eren and that's saying something. "There are a lot of things we have to take into account and this isn't something we can decide about in one day."_

 _He recalls a conversation he had with his friends only a couple of weeks ago, when they first started building the railway that would ease everyone's travels across Paradis. They had briefly approached the matter of invading Marley sometime in the future, although the conversation had quickly turned from serious and strategic to humorous thanks to Sasha and Connie, who talked with enthusiasm about the new culture they'd have the chance to experience and the new cuisine they would finally be able to taste. Hell, Jean himself had joined them in their optimistic comments, mentioning all the fine-quality alcohol Marley provided._

 _The dangerous issue had been dismissed that day, but Jean knows very well that it concerns every single one of them, from Commander Hanji to the newest recruit of the regiment and, no matter his wish to avoid the subject, it's something they'll be talking about frequently from now on. For now, though, he's grateful that, with the exception of Floch's implies and some ironic looks from Eren, none of his friends has mentioned anything to him today, focusing on the meeting and on his new promotion—which, ironically, places more responsibilities and burdens on his shoulders, as he already tries to balance the good of the regiment with the wellbeing of his friends._

 _"_ _Hey, brooding even on the day of your promotion? Can't you just, I don't know, let go for once?" Connie snickers at the sight of his friend contemplating the choices he'll be forced to make on the future. "Just enjoy it and everything else can wait!"_

 _Only the two of them and Sasha are in the room, everyone else having left to go to their respective duties or enjoy the free time they have until dinnertime. And even though Jean rarely admits it out loud, he has to say he's glad that he's in the company of the two jokesters of the Survey Corps right now, when he feels he's across greater burdens than the ones he's been carrying to this day; Connie and Sasha are probably the only ones who can make everything seem easier, despite their own agony about their uncertain future._

 _"_ _Sorry, guys, it's just…I'm trying to adjust to the change, is all. After all, it's not easy being newly-appointed Commanding Officer…and with everything that's going on, I don't wanna think about all the expectations everyone will have."_

 _"_ _Expectations, expectations! Is that all you can think about? It's almost as if every choice you've made until now is based on others' expectations…which I know for sure is not the case with you!" Sasha throws her hands in the air and the fiery tone of her voice, as well the intent way with which she stares at him, has nothing to do with the usually sweet and laughing Potato Girl. "There's way more in you than others' expectations or standards about you, Jean; and now that you're Commanding Officer, you'll do well to remember this!"_

 _Both Connie and Jean spend a few moments looking at their friend as if they're seeing her for the first time, startled and actually impressed by how determined she sounds…almost as if she's taken this personally and that Jean's doubts triggered something in her that caused her to rely like this. In fact, now that the new Commanding Officer observes her, he has the impression that it somehow_ is _personal for the Potato Girl…maybe she recalled the expectations her father had from her before she left Dauper to join the military?_

 _"_ _Hey, hey, drop the sour faces, both of you, and let's go celebrate!" Connie leaves a loud laughter as he pushes both of them out of the room. "How about to that new restaurant the volunteers opened, eh?"_

 _"_ _Fine, fine...I supposed you two expect me to pay, right?" Jean musters his best annoyed voice, although, judging from the others' snickering, he doesn't convince them that he's frustrated by their cheerful behavior._

 _"_ _Well…it doesn't happen every day to have a close friend being promoted…and actually earning it." Sasha makes clear with a giggle and even gives Jean's shoulder an encouraging squeeze, her voice now soft, a proud smile warming up her face, her fierceness of a few moments ago completely abandoned. "So just accept our congratulations and never doubt the terrible twins again, got it?"_

* * *

"Jean? Hey, Jean, you alright? Hey, do you hear me?"

"W-What?"

Jean shakes his head to get a grip on himself and focus back on reality, despite how hard it is for him. It seems that, the more he tries to block out memories in order to think logically, the more he drowns in them, as if something in his mind tells him that the memories will show him the way to the truth. Right now, though, he doesn't feel like he's being helped at all, quite the contrary, he's shivering and feeling as if he's gonna faint at any moment, he's gonna throw up, he's gonna develop a fever or something equally messed up in this already messed up situation.

He blinks a few times and looks around, slowly coming to his senses and realizing that he's not in the meeting room with Connie and Sasha, but in his own room with a worried Connie…that Sasha is gone…and that he has thirteen letters revealing something horrifying and life-altering. The pain, instead of fading away, seems to get more and more intense with every new conclusion he reaches and he almost wishes he could go back to his previous angry reactions…because now that the anger has diminished, the pain and grief have surfaced and he's fighting with all his will in order to suppress them.

"You're spacing out a lot lately…ever since you return from Historia's hideout. Jean, did…did anything happen there? Or even here, after you came back?" Connie now wants to now, without any curiosity, only pure concern and sadness…and Jean almost envies him for the ease his friend always found in openly expressing everything he thought and felt. "Because this isn't just because of Floch and Yelena, you've been like that for way longer."

 _Damn your sharp observations, Connie. What should I say now? I can't possibly tell him anything, not like that…not until I've understood everything and learned his own role in Sasha's defection._

 _Or could I?_

 _Hell, he knew Sasha better than anyone…and though I can't reveal the whole truth…maybe, just maybe, if I spoke about my current fear and suspicion…?_

A suspicion he now realizes he hasn't shared with Hanji yet despite this being his intention when he went to talk with her about the upcoming betrayal and the letter that was addressed to her. Still in shock due to everything he concluded about Floch and Yelena wanting to meet Eren and manipulate Reiner, Jean didn't even ask her everything he had in mind…he had only told her about his initial impression that her letter could be his. And yet this is only the beginning of the thoughts torturing him; just like an avalanche, one suspicion was enough to create a series of new doubts and dilemmas, though this time not about Sasha's secrecy, but about his own role in everything.

"Connie, can I ask you something? It might seem out of place, but I need your honest opinion here." He decides to open up in the end, hoping that he'll manage to get out of this dead end without raising Connie's suspicions that something's really off here. "Do you think that…I somehow influenced Sasha until now…in a really negative way?"

And the moment these words come out of his mouth, it's like he's experiencing something he never thought he would…a burning sensation of a weight being lifted from his shoulders…and at the same time a terrifying fear that grabs him and doesn't let him go. A sudden realization of how much he truly fears this possibility…how he doesn't want to believe it, but has no other choice…and how Connie's answer truly scares the living daylights out of him.

 _Still, it's something I have to consider…especially since Hanji said I should be with her and Levi when my letter comes._

"A really negative way? What do you mean, Jean?" Connie wants him to elaborate, but the next moment he stares at him with confusion and something that reminds him the other one of genuine anger. "If you still think her death is your fault because you didn't push her away on time, I've told you a million times that—"

"No! No, it's not about this…not this time. I'm talking about all these seven years generally…and you know that I wasn't always kind to her, especially during our cadet days. So I was thinking that maybe…maybe I hurt her so badly that…"

"Wait, wait, wait…so you're asking me whether…even after everything we lived…Sasha kept a _grudge_ on you? That she stayed angry at you or something?"

"Well…yeah."

 _It's a thought, isn't it? I acted like an arrogant jerk back then…and Eren said I'm not as noble as Sasha claims, but what if he simply misread her words? After all…it seems that my letter has one of the highest numbers, meaning that it's very important…and everyone says I have to understand…what if they mean I have to understand what a brat I actually was?_

"Oh my God, you should look at your face right now…You really worry about this, don't you?" Connie gasps while seeing his friend's completely distraught expression and the way he avoids his gaze; and everything comes out as a furious comment, a bursting of his grief for his closest friend and of despair for the other one's guilt. "Are you freaking kidding me?!"

"Yeah, don't you see, I can barely breathe from laughing. Do you think I'd bother you for something like that if I were kidding, Connie? That's not exactly a good joke!"

"If you're not kidding, then you're being stupid, Jean! Do you seriously believe that Sasha, _our_ Sasha, the one we knew for seven years and who was so spontaneous in her reactions, would hold a grudge for some ridiculous teenage bickering?"

 _Why not?_

But then Connie's reply strikes Jean like lightning and he turns so abruptly towards his friend that his nape hurts. He spends several seconds simply looking blankly at him, to the point of making Connie feel actually even more concerned, as he can't interpret or even guess what's going through his mind at the moment.

"Connie…" He gasps out in the end, barely audible due to all the emotions dancing in him in a frenzy and he's almost on the verge of not being able to breathe correctly, "can you say that again? About Sasha's reactions?"

"What, about how spontaneous she was? Come on, as if you didn't know her yourself! That's why she couldn't stand the hypocrisy of the world."

It's amazingly simple, like always in matters concerning investigating and finding out the root of all things…because the truth hides in the simplest of places, despite people complicating it and hiding it in a network of lies and conspiracies. It's only a couple of words that lift the veil clouding Jean's judgment and, combined with the anger that's barely there now, it finally allows him to fully see what he refused to see due to his blinding rage and feeling of being betrayed.

"I have to go…See you in the morning." Is the only thing he says before rushing out of the room, closing the door behind him with a slam and leaving an utterly confused and helpless Connie behind, the young man sadly staring at the wall across from him, feeling more useless than ever now that he's seen Jean at what seems to be his worst moment ever since Sasha died.

"When the hell will you burst out about how much you truly miss her?"

* * *

 _One would think Jean would actually enjoy the luxurious environment of the royal residence in Mitras, especially considering that he wanted to lead a wealthy life as a Military Police member only a couple of month ago. After all, being granted his own room in Historia's new home and resting after a whole day of celebrating the rightful Queen's coronation and their victory against Rod Reiss should work wonders on his tensed nerves. Besides, even the mere fact that the truth about the false monarchy has been revealed and that the Scouts finally receive the recognition they deserve without any biased accusation should pretty much be enough for everyone to calm down and simply enjoy the few carefree moments they had today._

 _Only that this isn't quite the case for the young Scout; in fact, the luxury and the peaceful silence surrounding him make him feel sick to the stomach, as if he thinks he doesn't deserve any of this…or as if he realizes, more intently than ever, that he could never be part of a regiment so corrupted and with swaying loyalties like the MPs. During the fight against Rod's Titan and later during Historia's coronation feast he was still under the influence of the adrenaline running through his body and the energy he had focused on being useful at the battle and make sure everyone was safe. Now, though, with the last wisp of the feast being over and with no other Scout to keep him company and help him forget the messed up hell the world's been turned into, he can't stop the thoughts from invading his mind and the guilt from creeping up like a darkness taunting him for everything he had to do._

 _Including the sickening feeling of imaginary blood on his hands…blood he shed when he fought Kenny's Interior Police in the underground chapel of the Reiss family. People he freaking killed…and the only reason being the fact that they were simply standing in their way to Historia, her father and a captive Eren. His logic tells him that there was no other way, that Levi had warned everyone about this, that he and his friends would have died had he not proceeded…and yet, as he's lying down in the dark room, his self-hatred is stronger than ever._

 _Now he truly understands the shocked trance Armin fell into after he killed that girl in order to save his life…it was an automatic move due to his terror at seeing a friend at gunpoint, but the horror of the fact itself will probably take a long time to leave; and it pains Jean to think that, according to what they'll discover in Shiganshina, they'll probably be forced to fight against other people over and over again…not because they did something to them personally, but only because they belong to the opposite site in this war._

 _He can't take it anymore, it's as if the walls of his room are closing around him and stealing his breath; a couple more minutes in this state and he'll definitely throw up or faint due to this sickening sensation. Thus he gets up with tired movements, negative thoughts and exhaustion from the feasts slowing him down alike, gets dressed and exits the main building of the royal residence as quietly as he can, almost like he's a young cadet again who'll get scolded by his superiors if he's caught sneaking around after curfew._

 _The cool breeze hits Jean's face once he closes the main doors behind him, clearing his head a little bit and allowing him to breathe calmly…almost freely, one would say, with the beautiful sight of a starlit sky making the world seem peaceful right now, like no threats exists; a fake illusion, surely, but enchanting nonetheless. The silence here isn't sickening and filled with guilt, but redeeming and relaxing, like a veil of safety between the residents of this place and the upcoming changes that will either benefit humanity or sink it further._

 _There's another sound, though, faint and yet he can hear it perfectly because of the lingering silence…a faded crying and soothing whispers coming from a rather secluded corner of the yard. Following it with cautiousness, curiosity and concern alike, Jean leaves a surprised gasp when he discovers Sasha and Connie beneath a tree, the latter carefully patting the girl's back and Potato Girl herself being so distraught like Jean's never seen her, with panicked sobs and shallow breaths wrecking her body, her head hidden on her knees and her arms around them, as if she's trying to hide from everything and everyone._

 _"_ _Sasha, Sasha, hey…You had no other choice, we knew this moment would come sooner or later." Connie tries to comfort his best friend and shoots Jean a desperate glance as he approaches, not knowing how to find the right words._

 _Jean doesn't even know whether there_ are _right words to say at this moment and he knows exactly what's the reason behind Sasha's state and Connie's guilt; hell, this is exactly what he's going through and what drove him to leave his room so late at night: the terrifying memory of them killing other people for the first time. They've been through so much already and yet now, after this bloodshed, it's like they realize how much they were forced to grow up so soon; they have lost their innocence, the small pieces of adolescent hope they had, and now they feel older than their own superiors. Connie probably more than them; it was his life Sasha saved by killing that Interior Police woman and all three of them knew that, even if they had the chance to rewind time and go back to this moment, she would do the same over and over again._

 _"_ _Sasha? Sasha! Sasha, look at me. Breathe with me, okay, come on, I'll help you and Connie's right here too, with you." Jean musters his calmest voice while kneeling in front of Sasha and attempting to raise her head despite her violent resistance. "Sasha, please, we know exactly what you're going through, just breathe."_

 _It's not easy, calming her down and soothing her breathing and Connie's own guilt, Sasha's panic and Jean's awkwardness at comforting others through gentle words don't help the situation. It feels like hours have passed until Sasha's sobs finally cease and become soft whimpers as she tiredly leans against both boys, eyes closed and voice coming out ragged and hoarse._

 _"_ _Now I'm just like them. I'm exactly like them, there's no difference anymore."_

 _"_ _Sasha, no one will ever hate you for what happened in that cavern. Hell, you saved my life!" Connie reminds her, gratitude and sadness alike marking his tone as he recalls Armin's statement that they're not good people anymore, back when he killed someone as well. "We all feel like this now…you can rely on us, you're not alone."_

 _"_ _And if you want one main difference between you and them," Jean adds and placed his hands on her shoulders to catch her attention, "then keep this in mind. Your regrets. Your despair. The kindness you display every day. If you don't believe anything else, then believe this."_

* * *

Her spontaneous reactions; something so simple, something he's thought about himself and yet he needed Connie's scolding to make the connection.

Her panic that night as she faced the aftermath of what happened from the battle in the underground cave and forward…Her frantic comments that she became like _them_ …like the enemies they fought and like her Marley superiors, who wanted her ruthless and cunning.

And seven years of memories he almost condemned due to his stupid denial and his even stupider anger by daring to suspect that they were nothing more than a pretense.

Because no way would Sasha react the way she reacted if she was acting. No, a trained spy who pretended to everyone would be rather composed, expressionless and considering it a necessary evil in the war they were fighting in…they wouldn't have a freaking panic attack like she did.

"Man how blind I was," Jean mumbles in the darkness of his office and tries very hard not to facepalm at how ridiculous he was only yesterday. "Of course she was honest to us! Every moment with us, despite her secret past, was genuine and spontaneous, not a well-planned pretense by someone who hailed from the enemy nation."

The tears this open admission brings in his eyes, the peace of mind, the calm smile that softens his features is so overwhelming that he almost cries out loud, although he quickly regains his strength and furiously rubs his eyes. Even his inner voice is quiet right now and doesn't tease or scold him as usual…as it did whenever he had serious doubts or moments of extreme rage.

Still, even with the tears away, the calmness in him remains as he opens the envelope that contains the eighth letter, all thoughts of sleep completely forgotten for the moment. Because if his suspicions about the next receiver are true, then he needs to read as quickly as possible if he wants to prevent everything that's threatening the Scout Regiment.

* * *

 **A/N: Sooo, my lovelies, another chapter reached its end, hope you liked it! Someone has finally openly accepted the truth, let's see how that influences the story and the next letters, shall we? ;) Next chapter will be posted next weekend! :)**


	15. The one who could kill everyone

**A/N: Helloooo, everyone, how are you? Next chapter is here, next letter is here and the plot takes major turns as we reach the eighth letter, tehehehe ;) Be warned, some bashing towards a certain character is included in this chapter (sorry to all fans in advance). By the way, have you guys read Chapter 114?**

 **So, as always when a new letter is here, let's remember who the previous ones were addressed to:**

 **Letter One: Sasha's parents**

 **Letter Two: Falco**

 **Letter Three: Zeke**

 **Letter Four: Historia**

 **Letter Five: Ymir**

 **Letter Six: Hanji**

 **Letter Seven: Levi**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Like I said, my friend, keep the assumption you made in your other review about who the eighth letter could be for ;) Hohoho, now you've intrigued me more with Noblesse, I'll definitely check it...and don't worry, I never read the ending first :)**

 **This fic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series and especially the Marley arc (which is getting crazier and crazier with every chapter, I'm really curious to see where Isayama is taking the plot), so be warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _Thirteen Reasons Why_ TV series, which inspired this story.**

* * *

"Alright then, Sasha, let's see what happened that almost destroyed everything."

A difference can be spotted in how Jean utters this comment compared to how he was yesterday; something even Hanji mentioned when she heard him talking about Sasha as a former spy. His blind anger and snapping statements have now given their place to compassion and quiet words, like admitting Sasha's honesty out loud was exactly what he needed in order to proceed with composure and to understand what Potato Girl wants to relay them and what he needs to discover. All the information about the way her Marleyan superiors treated her, about what she went through to conceal her past and convince herself that she was a normal girl from Paradis, not to mention the countless memories about her and the hints she'd been dropping, have opened Jean's mind and helped him see beyond the secrecy and her origins—just like Falco and Gabi are misguided children who think they're fighting for their mother nation, Sasha, as a twelve-year-old spy, thought she had no other choice than stay silent about where she truly came from.

 _Seven years only giving us hints…and she never talked to anyone? How can someone deal with a burden like that without once opening up to someone?_

 _Maybe that's one of the purposes these letters serve? Not only to reveal the main reasons why Sasha left Marley, but also a chance for her to talk about everything torturing her all these years. A final expression of everything she had in mind…especially since she knew she would die at some point because of Marley and the war._

Some years back, he wouldn't even try to see everything from Sasha's point of view; he'd be furious and unforgiving and even think that her simple-minded attitude wasn't worth investigating. Now, though, with so many secrets surrounding Potato Girl's past and since he's come across a completely new side of her, he knows that he must try to get in her mind and find out how she was thinking while making her plans and choosing the receiver of every letter…after all, right now he's about to read about someone who could have jeopardized everything, both the Recon Corps and Sasha's plan…and Jean has a very good idea who that is.

"Which means that it's time to read…the conclusions and memories can wait for later."

 _In the late night hours, we young members of the Marley Espionage Unit used to sneak in each other's dorms and talk until dawn. You see, when you are trained from such an early age to become an elite soldier, you miss the carefree childhood moments you would have otherwise. We spoke excitedly about the day we would become glorious soldiers and Marley would reward us by giving us official citizenship. We sang songs of valiant heroes and battles and made up stories of our own…and we narrated legends and horror tales we had heard. Said horror stories were our favorite part, to be honest…because as we huddled all together, just for a few hours, we could control our fear. It wasn't imposed on us by some cruel superior, it was ours and only ours…almost didn't exist as we were in each other's company._

The introduction makes Jean both smile softly and hurt emotionally at the same time, as he can perfectly relate to the scene Sasha is describing: a group of young children forced by their families and society to enlist in the military from an early age and trying to find some normalcy and comfort through shared jokes and stories at night, away from criticizing eyes and harsh punishments. It shows him how much the people of Paradis and Marley have in common…how they can't be distinguished as purely good or purely evil…how, in the end, there is no reason for them to be constantly at war with each other.

 _We made the reasons…We, the ancestors and our choices…so much potential, so many chances to coexist and we've wasted every single one of them_ , he mentally states with a bitter sigh...and even though he can't completely forgive Gabi for what she did, he can see now that, in her corrupted mind that others brainwashed, she only tried to protect her country and those dear to her. _After all, we_ did _invade her country to retrieve a certain suicidal maniac_ , he concludes before continuing.

 _My favorite story was the legend of the poltergeist, have you heard about it? A trickster spirit that's invisible and moves around, haunting a specific person and doing mischief like levitating objects, dropping things, knocking on doors, making various noises…that kind of stuff. Maybe it had to do with my task as a future spy, where I pretty much had to blend in and become kinda invisible as well, only to strike at the proper moment and without anyone guessing that I was behind it. In any case, I loved that tale and once we had even suggested we do the same…sneak into our commandant's office and create a little mischief from our hideouts. Believe me, the place offered plenty of opportunities and still offers._

 _No, this isn't a story for another letter, not exactly. But hopefully it will come to surface anyway and you'll understand what I'm talking about._

"A mischievous trickster spirit, huh? Reminds me of a certain Potato Girl I knew." Jean snickers and another wave of relief overwhelms him at the lack of bitterness from his comment; he doesn't insist on snapping at how she pretended and deceived them; now his joke comes spontaneously and genuinely, almost like he used to act when Sasha was alive, when he supposedly scolded her and got angry at her, only to tease her afterwards.

But then he notices the mystery she adds with the next sentence, about something that's not exactly part of her letters and yet will hopefully be revealed to them in the end. It seems kinda out of place with the whole introduction, coming right after she mentions her childish intention to mess up with her commandant…as if she wants to make a connection between these two…but then again, her vague way to say that this won't necessarily become known to them…

 _Hang on a second! Does this mean that…that her infamous plan against Marley…somehow includes information about the Marleyan army's Headquarters?_ The realization hits him like a wave and he averts his eyes from the letter, unable to process everything that comes as a natural result of this thought. _Sasha said before that she wanted to use everything she gained with her training there for our benefit…a trainee spy moving against her own commandants?_

 _But if that's the case, why might this not be confirmed in one of the next letters?_

 _Is this part of everyone insisting that it's me who needs to understand? Maybe, in all these memories I have, Sasha dropped me a hint that has to do with all this?_

"Why all the mystery in the letters, though?" He wonders out loud as he focuses back on everything Sasha wants to say in her eighth letter before recalling what he concluded after he read Historia's one. "I was right…there's definitely a receiver here who can't know anything about the role Sasha played in her defection."

 _This introduction may seem irrelevant to you, but, believe me, it matters. So, Eren Jaeger, open your eyes and read carefully._

 _Because if you don't swallow your stubbornness this time, you'll probably be responsible for a lot of deaths and I won't allow it. So don't you dare dismiss this letter as empty words of a girl from Marley. Don't you dare deny everything I'm gonna say only because of my origins instead of focusing on the important matter._

 _Oh, who the hell am I kidding, that's what you're gonna do anyway, right? It's in your nature after all. But at least I tried and I hope that the other receivers will make you see reason or at least pay some attention to my words. So even if you don't believe me, send the letters to the next receiver—I'm sure that by now you've discovered the pattern of how this chain goes on, right? Like I said in the first letter, even an idiotic suicidal bastard like you won't have difficulties in finding who they have to send the letters to next._

The important question about how they can discover who the next receiver will be; a question Jean himself tried to answer back when he started reading the letters by assuming that the number of each letter indicates the person who's meant to take the wooden box next. Truth be told, he hasn't given much thought to it since then, lost in his memories, his confusion and his attempts to find out everything that's going, but since Sasha isn't mentioning any other way in her words or include some kind of map in the box, Jean concludes that his initial thought was right. Sasha's parents were the first addressees, so afterwards they sent the letter to Falco, who was the receiver of the second letter; and certainly the news of his arrest have become known in Liberio, so Mr. and Mrs. Blouse knew that they had to sent the box back to Paradis…and then Falco sent the box to Zeke and the chain continued.

 _Falco knows that we've taken Zeke to the Forest of Giant Trees…although it surprises me that the MPs allowed him to receive the box_ , Jean thinks, knowing too well how the Military Police wishes to take revenge on the two Marley kids and it's the Scouts and Historia who are preventing them from doing so. _Maybe some goodhearted soldier secretly gave him the box when it arrived for him…Hitch perhaps?_

Now that he's figured out how this chain of letters is meant to work, Jean focuses back on the receiver of this letter….and the known anger and wish for justice burns in him at Eren's name written on the parchment; here it is, his suspicions are proven right…the one supposed to be Humanity's Last Hope, the one who has lost all humanity, the one whose suicidal actions led him to imprisonment numerous times, the one he mainly blames for Sasha's death, is the one Potato Girl is reaching for through this eight letter.

But then he can't help but notice the way with which she talks; and once again he can detect this dark side of hers, this anger he hasn't seen in any letter after Zeke's one…and she even mentions Eren's recklessness, knowing only too well that the Titan Shifter would dismiss everything she wants to relay them only because she hailed from a different place from the one she mentioned while alive and because of her former status as a spy for the Marley army.

He remembers his argument with Mikasa and his thought that her forgiving attitude towards Sasha's secrecy has its roots to Eren's own situation and everyone's treatment of him. Although he can't hide the truth, not from himself; Sasha kept secrets, yes, and didn't open up to anyone, but her actions never harmed Paradis…and, according to what he's read and concluded so far, he knows very well that she could have pretty much destroyed them if she wanted to. It's weird, especially concerning his rivalry with Eren all these years and the disgust he feels for him now, but Jean doesn't feel the slightest stab of triumph at the anger Sasha displays towards him in her letter—and he sure as hell has too many reasons to be all triumphant for this now. Quite the contrary, the resentment towards their current prisoner and the bitterness at what surrounds these thirteen letters comes back even more intently; will childish triumph and merciless thoughts about Eren bring Sasha back or shed more light to this whole mess?

 _And since I'm talking about the first letter, remember what I said about people placing labels on each other? I hate doing it myself, but I have to admit that the term 'suicidal bastard' fits you perfectly. It defines you, is part of you and, no matter how all of us said it in a teasing way, it applied to you as naturally as your own name did._

 _To tell you the truth, Eren…I still don't know why I included you on this list. You're the one who can save us all, Humanity's Last Hope and so on…and at the same time you're the one who can kill us all._

 _Including yourself._

 _And all in the name of your plans to free the Eldians, am I right? Or am I wrong? Because I still haven't found an answer to that question._

"No one has, Sasha. No one has and I fear no one will in the near future, although we have to…before he and his followers make their move against us."

 _You see, the name Jaeger was already known in Marley because of your brother, so imagine my surprise when I heard your name during the first day of training. I was absent at dinner, running laps for Shadis, but Mina told me how you were sitting in the mess hall during dinner, surrounded by our comrades who wanted to hear everything about the horrors you had witnessed when Shiganshina District fell. You were speaking so passionately and angrily about getting revenge and killing all Titans that I started wondering whether you were a hero or someone who had gone completely nuts._

 _It took guts, I have to admit. That genuine anger and recklessness of yours, everything in order to achieve your goal. You were so openly stubborn, while I supposedly had to play the role of the quiet spy who observed without being noticed…having the task to report everything I could about the military forces, their plans…and, of course, the keepers of the remaining Titan Powers Marley was missing. Namely the Attack and Founding Titans._

"Oh my, that's it! That was the mission Marley assigned her!" Jean exclaims, his startled voice echoing around the office and sounding unnaturally loud due to the late hour and the absence of any other noise. Right now, though, he doesn't care and he ceases reading for a moment as the extension of Sasha's assignment becomes clear right in front of his eyes, triggered by her words and everything he already knows.

Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie were responsible for demolishing the walls in their Titan forms and invading the military as supposed soldiers, becoming as close as possible to the government in the process and retrieving the Founding Titan; which was Marley's main concern due to its great powers, especially when combined with a holder of royal blood. Of course, though, that didn't mean they weren't worried about the other Titans they had lost: the Attack Titan which Grisha Jaeger took from Eren Krüger…and, maybe from an irony of life, Attack and Founding Titans ended up in the possession of the same person.

Three Titan Shifters responsible for acting out the plan in the frontlines; with the assignment of destroying the walls, entering the districts and returning the respective Titan Powers to Marley. And a capable spy, with the mission to observe everything and everyone...to find out who said Titan Powers belonged to and write down any useful information about Paradis's military, government, social standing and so on. Jean can see it now almost as if it plays in front of him, so clearly that he scolds himself for not thinking about it earlier: Sasha was a part of the Paradis Island Operation, as it's called amongst them.

 _But then, maybe from another irony of life, Marley lost more than the Attack and Founding Titans_ , the Commanding Officer mentally states, now truly smirking with the triumph he didn't have earlier. _Not only did their spy defect and turn against them…but they also lost another power, the one of the Jaw Titan, when Ymir killed Marcel._ Not that he feels triumph at the loss of Marcel's life, but the mere thought that Marley's plan failed so spectacularly is something he can only interpret as retribution for using all these children for their own purposes. _Besides, Marley regained the Jaw Titan from the very same person who took it away from them, when Ymir sacrificed herself._

"But if you say yourself that you don't know why you include Eren in these letters…if you consider him suicidal…then how did he help you? Only because he was reckless when you were assigned to be observant and silent?"

 _I could speak for hours about how you revealed your Titan form yourself…seriously, Eren, if I had gone through with my task, you would have made my job so much easier, transforming into a Titan and later activating the Coordinate. At this moment I could have reported everything back to Marley and everything would be over years ago—but like I said, I never did. I understand, though, that you still had trouble controlling your powers back then and you pretty much didn't know what you were doing._

 _Instead I'll talk about this continuing wish for revenge you showed and expressed with every opportunity, rushing into action and getting kidnapped in the process without caring for your safety. It took guts…and this pure wish to avenge your mother and your lost hometown is what, in the end, helped me realize that I had to avenge the Warriors who were doomed in living only for thirteen years after gaining their Titan. For my parents' sake. For Falco. For all the friends I made in Paradis. For myself, for everything Marley forced me to become._

 _Soon enough, though, Eren…that anger of yours stopped being inspiring and started getting really dangerous for yourself and all those around you. The way you never learned from your mistakes and just continued rushing into action without once thinking it through first…forcing all of us to rescue you and risk our lives for you. And then came the final blow._

"'Forcing all of us to rescue you and risk our lives for you'?" Jean repeats Sasha's statement with a whispery voice that almost trembles, for the pain these words cause him, the sense of reliving one of the worst moments of his entire life and the burning urgent to punch the wall in order to vent his nerves makes his hands shake so hard that he has to put down the letter for a moment so he can regain his composure.

For these words exactly were the words he, Hanji and Levi said to Eren right after the battle in Liberio, mere moments before Gabi and Falco jumped in. Jean himself was still commanding his squad and wasn't in the airship when Levi beat Eren and when Hanji berated him for abusing the Scouts' trust in him by going to Marley on his own; his Commander described him the conversation much later, the night before he left for Historia's hideout, although back then he was still too lost in his mourning to properly pay attention to her.

Now, though, it comes back to him with all its ferocity…a Commander's comment that Eren pretty much caused everyone to lose their trust in him by making them risk their lives in the battle of Marley…and his own accusations when he was informed of Sasha's death, that this loss was only the result of Eren dragging them there. Hell, Potato Girl manages to form a connection with Eren because of her wish to find justice for all those children and people who have been used, directly or not, by Marley and the way they treat Eldians, but it's clear that she considers Eren's recklessness more of a danger that a motivation.

And now Jean's reading a letter written by Sasha several months ago that still describe the current holder of the Attack, Founding and Warhammer Titans so accurately, that he doesn't know whether to proceed or to pay another visit to the cells and give Eren the scolding he deserves.

"No! Not now! You still need to understand! Get a grip on yourself and go on!" He shakes his head and takes the letter in his hand, suddenly sensing what the aforementioned 'final blow' is containing.

 _Remember how I said that something happened that could destroy everything? My entire plan to betray Marley, every careful move I had made, was suddenly jeopardized._

 _Seriously, Eren, it certainly took courage, but what the hell were you thinking, going to Marley on your own in order to meet with your brother and formulate that infamous Secret Plan of yours? To live there undercover for several months, abandoning all of us? Endangering every attempt at diplomacy we had achieved during these years by working together with all those who left Marley and joined the Survey Corps?_

 _And you want me to talk for myself, even though you didn't know that you were also endangering my own Secret Plan? What if you talked to the wrong people there and unwillingly exposed me, huh? You'd surely act even more reckless than you already did and my plan was almost finished, meaning I didn't have any room for changes anymore. Besides, by making us follow you there, you automatically created the risk of getting us all killed during the battle that would inevitably occur._

 _Is it easy for you, Eren? Can you sleep well at nights, knowing that you carry so many lives on your shoulders and you purposefully risk them in order to follow your own plans?_

 _You always speak about those high and mighty goals of yours…first about freeing humanity from the Titans and then about freeing Paradis from Marley._

 _The thing is, Eren, I still don't know whether you're really chasing some high idea or if you're simply an angry and vengeful boy…the same angry and vengeful boy I met seven years ago._

At this point, Jean leaves a sigh he was holding back for a while, almost _feeling_ Sasha's anger that's being reflected from her words…as if her words have their own energy that transfers the emotions she was experiencing while writing. He knows, certainly, that Eren couldn't known that he was putting Sasha's plan in danger, but even Sasha herself isn't insisting on that point anyway. She talks about the danger of being exposed to the Marley superiors she left behind, but it seems that humanity and the Scouts' safety in general was way more important for her; all those lives that would be lost because of the battle and the major blow the relationship with the volunteers would suffer because of the ferocity of the attack.

Her anger, her _rage_ almost scares him, reminding him of his own sudden verbal attacks of the past, when he didn't know how else to channel his emotions and his fear of the Titans. He recalls the thought he's made a couple of times these two days, about how sometimes Sasha's darker, ironic and sly side comes to surface and replaces her sweetness, humor and kindness; like her Marleyan side coming to surface, everything they forced her to become, as she states…something he previously considered a proof of her pretense and split personality like Reiner's and now he believes to be another proof of how she was treated there…maybe even an attempt to turn these dark memories of her past to something beneficial for the Scouts by beating her Marley superiors at their own game.

 _Even right now, as I'm writing your letter, I can't find an answer to this question, Eren. No matter the answer, it was how you helped me decide to betray Marley and fight for everything that's right. Even that dangerous stubbornness of your is a lesson in itself, but here comes a final warning from me._

 _Like I said, don't dismiss it as a dead girl's words simply because I hail from the enemy nation._

 _It may sound funny to all of you who are involved in this series of letters and to Eren even funnier._

 _But read this, you maniac, and keep it in mind._

 _If one of our friends dies because of your reckless plans and your suicidal actions…I swear to everything I have dear, I'll become your very own poltergeist._

As he finishes the eight letter and places it back in its envelope, Jean spent several moments staring into nothing, not knowing whether to laugh or yell at how Sasha ends it…with an angry warning that makes a circle with how she started the letter, an irony considering her own fate, the series of letters that started after her death and the voice in his head that's similar to hers; her favorite story from her childhood becoming a warning to someone who could sacrifice everyone, including himself, for some supposedly high ideal.

 _Maybe that's how he's convinced Floch, Yelena and who knows who else?_

But then his mind starts working at full speed as he connects this letter to the previous ones, his memories, his suspicions and his conclusions…the certainty Sasha expresses constantly that she would die and that Marley would somehow play a role in her death. Still, as a Scout she faced multiple dangers from the very first moment she enlisted…hell, the 57th Expedition was one of them and she even mentioned that after said expedition she sat down and formulated her plan, taking every possible outcome into account.

Jean hasn't thought about it much until now and it's actually a detail in this mess, but details can make all the difference…the more he discovers, the closer he'll come to finding out everything he needs to know.

So how was Sasha so certain about Marley contributing to her death when she faced so many dangers long before they found out about the other nation through Dr. Jaeger's diaries? The battle in Trost, the expedition, the false accusations, the threat of being hunted down and executed…

Until now he assumed that it had to do with the terrors she faced in Liberio…as a trainee spy for the Marley army and at the receiving end of all sorts of harsh punishments and being despised by everyone. But now that he has finished Eren's letter, her anger towards him, her fear that his actions put her plan in danger and exposed her, gives him a new perspective.

 _Did she think that the moment had come when we learned about Eren leaving for Marley?_

 _Was this the trigger that made her believe that she wouldn't come out of this alive?_

 _In the end…was this the moment she decided to write the letters?_

* * *

 **A/N: Soooo, another letter has reached its end, hope you liked it :) Is Eren truly a savior or is he turning into a villain (I'm really inclined towards the second one, the guy seems void of any humanity and poor Mikasa didn't deserve to hear such cruel words in Chapter 112). Anyway, stay tuned, everyone, the next chapter will be posted next weekend ;)**


	16. Butterfly Effect

**A/N: Heyyyy, everyone! I am so sorry for not posting for such a long time, I had several issues to deal with and I wasn't in the mood to write. Buuut here we are again, another chapter is up and the avalanche has started, people. By the way, what did you guys think of the crazy rollercoaster that was the newest manga chapter?**

 **This fic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series, especially the Marley arc and the still unnamed final arc (which, as I recently found out, started approximately at Chapter 107). Man, it's the final arc already, guys, Attack on Titan is approaching its end :( In any case bw warned because major FEELS will be present, especially from now on.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _Thirteen Reasons Why_ TV series which inspired this fic.**

* * *

And while a certain Commanding Officer is reading in his office, restlessly trying to find some solution in this whole damn mess and understand everything surrounding the girl whose loss he doesn't stop mourning even in his moments of anger, other forces have also started to make their move…concealed in the shadows, literally and figuratively, wanting to maintain as much secrecy as possible; the same secrecy that frustrated Jean because he didn't even suspect Sasha's role before was now paramount for the plan that is in motion and involves not only the Survey Corps, but the entire island as well. A plan conceived pretty much under everyone's noses, a plan so well-organized that it seems impossible to be thwarted and a plan that will probably gather the island's support if played correctly.

A plan that is directly connected to the very same person whose letter Jean has just finished reading…the very same man whose choices played a cardinal role in the current situation…and the man whose imprisonment was leaked in order for the trust in the Recon Corps to be doubted and, eventually, broken to the point of no return.

And yet a plan with so many risks and potential losses both for those who are behind it and for those it has targeted that it has created tensions between the squad members already…even to those who merely have a general idea about what said plan contains…but even those who have the advantage due to their participation in it, feel overwhelmed and frustrated because of everything that can go wrong.

Which makes an aura of mystery and even menace rise in the silent building of the Scouts' Headquarters, which is bustling with activity at daytime. Now shadows lurk on the walls, well hidden secrets are under the threat of being revealed and secret meetings are taking place in the deserted mess hall, in the darkness, away from prying eyes and with hushed voices filling the area; dangerous and conspiring whispers that only add to the terror of this mischievous hour.

"Can one of you two idiots tell me whose brilliant idea this meeting was?" One of the three people gathered at the hall's most secluded corner wants to know, his low voice reflecting confusion and even fear…almost as if he is forced to be present although he'd give anything to be anywhere else. "If you wanna raise suspicions or get caught, don't bring me into your nonsense!"

"My, my, am I hearing correctly? Our resident cook finally shows some guts. Good for you, man, especially since you're nothing more than a prisoner of war everyone pities!" A second voice comments, followed by a hissing laughter that brings cold shivers down the first man's spine, even though his response shows that he's not planning on being swayed so easily.

"Shut the hell up because I'm sure that _you_ did something, otherwise why meeting like that when you agreed that we shouldn't act so suspiciously?"

"No, _both_ of you shut the hell up and start listening, because we'll be discovered if you continue to be like arrogant bastards or frightened chicken walking around." A third voice, this one belonging to a woman, joins the conversation, clearly angry, as if its owner is one step before literally hitting the other two. "You'll destroy everything, you reckless maniacs!"

"Hey, if you dragged us here only to insult us, don't bother, it's getting exhausting, you're almost sounding like Kirstein—"

"Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, is the poor little kid offending for hearing the truth? Or are you so airheaded because you think you're some sort of second-in-command of some rebellious army?"

"That's rich coming from _you_ , wasting your time here with the traitors and mourning for your lost crush instead of being fully concentrated to the plan—"

"The plan, the plan, aren't you tired, talking only about this freaking plan?"

"Will this circus continue for long? If you want to bicker like babies, do it some other time, will you?"

The sighs that respond to the scolding are evidence that the two men clearly want to disagree with the woman and her interference, yet also a sign that right now they're facing a common obstacle and they should leave their personal disagreements aside. Still, they listen to her and only try to pierce the darkness with the deathly glares they throw at each other, an obvious sign that they were forced to become allies while they'd rather be at each others' throats.

"Alright, then, shoot. You are the one who gathered us here." The man who spoke second, the more irritable one, can't stop himself from sounding ironic as he addresses his female comrade.

"I had no other choice, seeing you two behave like that. Have you realized what's at stake here? The plan needs to proceed without any problems and you will blow it up if you continue like that."

"Well, what _can_ we do more? You've seen how strict they are in guarding Reiner and Eren; only a few specific people are allowed in the dungeons and there are constantly guards making sure no one else enters."

"I'm surprised you haven't attacked them already, Floch, everyone's saying that you've started becoming as reckless as Eren anyway." The other man comments sarcastically, even though a painful groan that follows immediately indicates that one of the other two has elbowed him in the ribs. "In any case, my part is continuing…the wine is being served to those necessary and we've started sending shipments to Wall Sina too."

"And is that the case even when you're not there?" The woman asks and, were there light in the room, her associates would see her narrowing her eyes in suspicion. "How are you so sure that this is the case the days you're here?"

"Not to mention that lately he's more often here than in the restaurant." Floch scoffs in a whispery voice, not wanting to be heard by the others and receive more of their irony.

"Grior is running everything the days I am here. He makes sure everything goes according to plan. Although, for you to insist so much about the wine…" The cook hesitates for one moment, not knowing whether he should continue, but then everything that's occurred the past month comes back at him and he proceeds with more certainty in his voice, "my suspicions were right, weren't they? The wine _does_ have…"

"Don't bother yourself with that and just continue like you've done all this time. And stop with your sentimentality already, Nicolo, you've become softer these days."

Nicolo sighs and remains silent, as he doesn't want to respond because he knows that a huge argument will occur if he says exactly what he has in mind. He is aware, of course, that he is part of some bigger plan he hasn't fully grasped, not to mention that he really has the feeling he's being used, but he knows he can't start accusing everyone, especially not without solid proof. Something that, apparently, Floch doesn't share, for the guy seems to simply seek for an opportunity to challenge the female member of the group.

"Hey, stop bossing us around, Yelena, the plan will succeed and we'll reach your precious Zeke and reunite him with Eren so Paradis will be freed. That's all you care about, right? That's why you told Eren to go to Marley in secret a few months ago."

"Like you're one to talk, Floch, supporting Eren like he's your personal god-like savior. And in any case, you have no right to tell me how I should or shouldn't act; it's _your_ fault we're in danger of being discovered." Yelena snaps back with a strained voice; a huge effort from her side to keep her tone low in order not to attract unwanted attention. "I mean, what were you thinking, starting a quarrel with Connie and Jean and accusing them of using Sasha's death to make Eren pay?"

"Huh? How the hell is that relevant?"

"They're not stupid, Floch; if they connect the dots they'll find out it's _us_ who told the public that the Scouts don't do anything against Sasha's murderers and that they don't care for Paradis's benefit."

"Well, Jean mistrusts me already, has so for a long time, so no big change here. And by the way, he's really getting on my nerves, walking around like he's on some sort of mission and asking about Sasha and how she acted before she got murdered."

"And what's so surprising about it?" Nicolo intervenes in the discussion, eyebrows now narrowed because of his confusion, since he is unable to see how this has something to do with their plans, although he looks at the floor at Sasha's demise being mentioned by Floch so unemotionally, as if she was nothing more than collateral damage to him. "He loved her. And she died. It's normal for him to seek answers."

"What's there to be answered? Her murderer is behind bars, full stop, so unless there's something we don't know, he shouldn't demand more explanations." Floch dismisses the other man's statement and stubbornly crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Point is, we _have_ to talk to Eren and Reiner before the trials begin."

"Wait a minute, what if there _is_ something we don't know? In the state Kirstein's in, he'll grasp every bit of information and then we'll be in serious trouble. In any case, we have to keep an eye on him and make sure he's not a danger to us." Yelena decides, making sure that the others get her point without objecting. "And now that you mentioned the trials, what do our allies in Wall Sina report?"

"Some recruits of the Military Police came to the restaurant a week ago and said that everything is in motion, although they can't approach Zackly without the Scouts' presence there." Nicolo replies, eyes travelling worriedly towards the door of the mess hall, wanting to be sure that no one was there.

"Of course, the Jaegerists have to be divided so some can control the situation here and some make sure that everything goes well in Wall Sina. Although I overheard Hanji saying that she plans to go there with the main squad a few days before Historia's due to give birth, so we could use it to our advantage…and she also said she's thinking about taking Reiner and Eren there too instead of have them transferred there separately for the trial."

"With Reiner, Eren and Zackly in one place, our job would be easier, of course. And Nicolo, you will be responsible for watching out for Kirstein, since he seems to trust you, fool that he is." Floch snickers as he addresses the Marleyan cook. "Must be tough for you, huh? A prisoner of war from Marley in love with an Eldian who died in battle…and who also had feelings for someone else."

"Shut up, Floch, and don't talk about things you don't know." Nicolo mumbles furiously, not wanting to show how Floch's taunting actually influences him. "Just focus on your murderous plans and let me do my job."

* * *

 _"_ _You know, I hoped that we would have the chance to stay with Historia for some time, but I never expected we would come back because of this. I was so stupid…I underestimated Eren and that was the fatal mistake." Hanji sighs and tiredly leans against the desk in her office, looking much older than her actual age due to the recent development that has broken the fragile balance they have managed to built._

 _It's been two weeks since the day she, Jean and Sasha departed from Historia's residence, informed about the fact that Eren snuck away during the night with the intention to go undercover in Marley as an injured soldier in disguise…leaving in secret, like a thief, with nothing more than a small note he left on Mikasa's pillow. They arrived at Headquarters only today and immediately met with the others from the main squad, mainly Levi, Connie, Armin and Mikasa herself, who's staring in blank shock at the wall across from her, completely lost to what's happening around her._

 _"_ _So Eren said in his note that we shouldn't take any actions and that he'll write? Great, now I am reassured." Jean scoffs, his composure temporarily fading and his hands tightening into fists, the nineteen-year-old barely able to hold his rage back and actually start yelling and saying everything he's thinking about the one supposed to be Humanity's Last Hope. "I guess he expects we'll simply follow his plan, right? That's why he went there despite us deciding not to. Because he knows the value we place on his abilities and therefore he's certain we'll go help him whenever he tells us to."_

 _"_ _Precisely. There he'll have all the time to work on his secret plan with Zeke and stay safe because of the fact that we'll join him. And the worst part is that he is right." The Commander of the Recon Corps sighs, wondering how on earth a boy who started with so much potential turned out to acting so egoistically…is it because of the memories Eren received from the previous holders of the Attack and Founding Titan?_

 _"_ _Commander, when do you estimate we will go there?" Armin tries to diffuse the tension that's filling the room with an objective question, sounding like the strategist he is even though it's obvious to everyone that his best friend's condition is troubling him immensely._

 _"_ _Since Eren said he would contact us, I think we shouldn't be in a hurry; in fact, we could use this period of time to improve our weaponry and really start working on that blimp." Hanji replies with a subtle nod of gratitude towards the aforementioned strategist, since it was his late parents' blueprints and conversations about building a hot air balloon to escape that have assisted the Recon Corps in planning to construct an airship that will transfer them to Marley._

 _At the same time, it also feels like they're honoring Mr. and Mrs. Arlert that way, who were murdered by Djel Sannes of the Interior Police so cruelly…not to mention that their own son learned the truth about their deaths years after they occurred, believing until that point that his parents were killed during the mission to regain the lands of Wall Maria that had been taken by the Titans._

 _Still, the only thing Jean can contemplate right now isn't only relevant to the route of action they shall follow, but also to the one person responsible for this meeting; because for the thousandth time Eren acted on his own, without taking anyone else into consideration, not even his two closest friends or even his Commander; he simply went undercover to Liberio to meet with Zeke and proceed with their Secret Plan despite knowing very well that the rest of the Scouts will go to retrieve him._

 _"_ _Another battle," he mumbles, yet so quietly that not even Levi can hear him, who's standing next to him, while crossing his arms in front of his chest and locking his amber eyes to the beautiful view that can be seen from the office's window. And yet, the statement doesn't come with the confused anger that's boiling in him right now, but rather with a cold blankness, almost like an emotionless acceptance of something that's to happen even though he wishes it wouldn't._

 _"_ _More people dying…And in Marley of all places." Sasha's voice comes out a bit louder than Jean's and, contrary to his, is marked by a variety of emotions the Commanding Officer can detect: confusion, anger and a deeper despair, almost as if she can't believe that another bloody battle is ahead of them and in a nation whose culture she longed to experience, yet now she'll be forced to fight and kill people once more. "What was Eren only thinking?"_

 _"_ _Honestly, I doubt he was thinking at all." Connie comments with irony and bitterness in equal measures, even though he winces and almost lowers his head at the death glare Mikasa throws him for what he said._

 _"_ _In any case…you said it will need a few more months, isn't that right, Commander?" Potato Girl speaks again with that soft voice of hers, honey brown eyes looking intently at Hanji, almost as if the time of their departure is of crucial importance to her._

 _"_ _Definitely. We'll be waiting for Eren's letters, after all, which will tell us when we can go there…And we also need to prepare."_

 _"_ _So there's still time…Limited, of course, but time nonetheless."_

* * *

One choice.

One departure.

One single decision was enough for Sasha to determine that her plan had reached its final phase and that she should also prepare herself for the inevitable outcome from which she couldn't find a way to escape.

During his four years in the Scouts, Jean has often confronted the idea and the pressure of one individual choice that can change the course of everything. It's a very heavy burden, as well as a responsibility everyone has to carry, even though he has to admit there is a truth in that statement. Even the smallest change, the slightest ripple in the water, the most mundane decision can bring up consequences equal to a destructive hurricane. And when multiple factors play their role simultaneously, just like now, with thirteen letters, upcoming trials, clues he needs to figure out and a betrayal with unknown extensions, then the odds aren't exactly in their favor.

 _"_ _The lone choices of many managed to change the world,"_ that's what Hanji said four years ago, when the Scouts faced false accusations and she and Moblit announced them that the coup d'etat they had orchestrated was a success, resulting in the Recon Corps's proclamation as innocent and their actions as self-defense. Levi had mentioned Erwin's gamble in this plan and how it paid off and the then Squad Leader corrected him by saying that everyone's choices—Flegel Reeves's trust in them, Jean's trust in Marlowe and Hitch, the reporters' decision to write the truth and Commander-in-Chief Zackly and Pixis's support to their plan—had all played their role in this result.

With the difference that, in this case, Jean can't tell with certainty which factor led things to this point. Sasha's death seems to be the obvious answer, of course; it started the chain of the letters that eventually ended in his own hands and brought up secrets and revelations to surface. But what about Eren's secret departure, Gabi and Falco's infiltrating the Scouts' airship, Historia's pregnancy to win more time, Zeke and Reiner's imprisonment, the alliance with the Eastern Nation and Yelena and Floch's conspiracy against the regiment? Aren't they important events that contributed to today's situation as well?

 _And how would everything proceed if one or more of these things didn't happen? How would everything go if Sasha were alive or if Eren hadn't gone to Marley? Would the outcome with the letters still be the same and what would change?_

He can't help but think about it, despite knowing that these questions make absolutely no sense and only worsen his already messed up state, especially when they circle around Sasha, everything she wanted to protect by keeping her secrets and how things would be if she were here with them. But said questions come on their own, without him planning it, just like the voice in his head that speaks to him every now and then when he least expects it. One would say that it's normal; after all he's terribly missing someone he was close to, secrets and letters and anger be damned, even though Jean is still fighting with all his being not to express this thought or even to admit its very existence.

Even though he feels his endurances break with every moment that's passing, with every new piece of information he obtains and with every new clue that Sasha was honest all these years. He's still holding on, but barely and he doesn't know for how long he'll be able to keep this supposedly calm and composed façade; especially since Connie and, as it seems, Hanji and Levi, already suspect that he's one step before breaking down.

 _And Hanji and Levi know about everything…but Connie? How will I explain everything to him? Howwill I be able to tell him how things ended up here when I don't know myself how everything adds up?_

An abrupt noise startles him all of a sudden, faint and yet audible, like footsteps coming from downstairs, as if someone is awake and pacing. Jean briefly keeps silent, trying to spot the exact source of the noise or more sounds, like talking, but nothing follows—not that he'd do anything should he hear talking. After all, curfew or not, he's too familiar with restless nights and sneaking outside for some fresh air to gather his thoughts—not to mention that Connie and Sasha were experts in sneaking in the kitchen for a late night snack—so who is he to scold whoever is downstairs for being up after curfew?

His eyes focus back on the envelope he took out of the box a couple of minutes ago—the envelope with the number **_9_** written on it and the same thoughts course through his mind, questions about who the next receiver might be, what he will read and when his own turn might come.

 _Nine out of thirteen…We're reaching the higher numbers and I still haven't read my letter…Where do I stand in this series of letters, Sasha, and why?_

Knowing that there is only one way to find out, he opens the ninth envelope.

* * *

 **A/N: Soooo, my friends, another chapters reached its end. To be honest, Nicolo's role has confused me a lot in the manga...on one hand he seems like a pretty decent guy and yet he violently attacked Gabi and Falco and admitted to serve contaminated wine...is he in the plan or are the others using him? In any case I decided to make him somewhere in the middle, him participating without fully knowing the Jaegerists' plan. Hope you liked the chapter, next one will be up in a week where we learn the ninth receiver ;)**


	17. The one torn in two

**A/N: Hiii, everyone, what's up? Next chapter is here (one day after I intended to post it, to be honest) and we are slowly approaching the more serious reasons, so stay tuned! Hope you enjoyed the chapter and, if anyone here has read Chapter 116 of the manga, I'd love to learn your opinion (and please tell me I'm not the only one who wants to punch that jerk Grior).**

 **So, like in every chapter that concerns a letter, here is the order of the previous receivers:**

 **Letter** **One : Sasha's parents**

 **Letter Two : Falco**

 **Letter Three : Zeke**

 **Letter Four : Historia**

 **Letter Five : Ymir**

 **Letter Six : Hanji**

 **Letter Seven : Levi**

 **Letter Eight : Eren**

 **ilovejellybeans: Wow, sixteen chapters in one sitting? You honor me, my friend, hope you'll like the new chapter too. Which chapter/letter is your favorite so far?**

 **This fanfic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga and anime series (particularly the last two arcs and, concerning the anime, the last two episodes of Season Two), so be warned.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series which inspired this fic.**

* * *

When Jean first started reading Sasha's letters only yesterday and learned about her past and the deeper role she played in this war, he didn't believe he would last until the ninth letter. Deep down he thought, feared even, that his anger would defeat him despite his determination to read the letters to the end…that Sasha's secrecy would make him give up before he could answer all the questions tormenting him. And yet now, not only has he fully realized that Sasha never betrayed the Scouts and Paradis, not only has he accepted that her behavior towards them and his memories of her are honest, but he actually regrets ever thinking that she was pretending all these years…regrets falling into the trap of undermining her that way, even though he still hasn't grasp the exact plan she conceived in order to betray Marley.

"All in good time, Jean…aren't you curious to see who the ninth letter is for first?"

There it is again; his inner voice, as if Potato Girl is still in his thoughts and is helping him face the current difficult situation; the same voice that was silent from the moment he accepted that Sasha was honest. Not that Jean will ever admit it out loud, but he missed the snarky remarks in his head; he knows, of course, that this voice is only a result of his mourning subconscious, yet he's not willing to simply let it go…just like the way he saw Marco, four years ago after the battle of Trost, when they burned the bodies of so many comrades and friends who died fighting.

But it's true, first he needs to continue reading before reaching any conclusions. Now that he knows what mission Marley assigned to Sasha, maybe the time has come for her to reveal her own part in all this mess. After all, she has said multiple times in previous messages that said plan is a story for another letter, simultaneously expressing the possibility of it never coming to surface….whatever this means. Besides, if Jean's theories are true and one of the receivers is a person Sasha was afraid of—a person who mustn't know anything about the recent developments on the island—then maybe she wanted to make sure that her plan remains hidden.

 _Unless this has to do with everyone's pestering that I need to understand_ , he thinks and, for once more, he wonders what exactly he needs to understand and everyone is freaking out about it. He hasn't stopped feeling the burden…the responsibility he seems to be carrying without even knowing what it is and how he can help…yet something of such crucial importance that the fate of the Scout Regiment itself seems to be depending on it.

Not to mention that he still can't shake off the question how Sasha, who thought about defecting even during her trainee days in Marley, managed to convince her superiors to hire her as a spy for a mission so risky and cardinal as the mission to destroy the walls and retrieve the Founding Titan for the enemy nation. Did she pretend in front of everyone in Marley, like Jean initially suspected her of doing in Paradis? Or, in the end, is there some truth in his belief that she got trapped in her guilt and wish to make a difference that she developed two personalities, like Reiner did, with the persona of the loyal and friendly Scout prevailing in the end?

Judging from these thoughts, the beginning of the ninth letter doesn't surprise him as much as it would if he had read it four years ago.

 _When regrets get combined with a misguided mind, then they create an explosive combination that can break you mentally. It doesn't matter if you're prepared, if you're determined to fight this through…regrets are wicked and strike when you don't expect it. Everything you believed it collides with everything you've learned, your old self fights against your new one and then everything shatters, without leaving anything intact. You beg for a solution, for some sort of redemption, but nothing and no one can help you. This is a struggle you mostly face yourself, since you don't want anyone to know what messed you up so badly._

 _So take a step forward, Reiner Braun. It's time for your letter._

 _We were ten years old when we first met. I was a scared and quiet little girl, in the middle of my spying program. And you were an enthusiastic and determined little boy, about to depart for Paradis and start your own mission as a warrior…as the Armored Titan. The purpose of this meeting was to coordinate our tasks and timelines so I would arrive at the right moment, two years after the fall of Wall Maria and just before the new Cadet Corps would begin. We also had to make sure that everyone knew their part: that the spy should find out who had the Coordinate and, preferably, the remaining Titan powers and the warriors should retrieve it and return it to Marley._

"So Sasha _did_ know Reiner before she came here…then she surely knew Bertholdt and Annie too since they met before their travel here."

It was in his thoughts when he read Falco's letter as well; the possibility of Sasha knowing the other Titan Shifters through her training in the Marley army—and now that her assignment as a spy has been revealed to be combined to the destruction of the walls, this introduction isn't as shocking for the Commanding Officer as others in earlier letters were. Besides, with a past like Sasha's, with a mission from the nation she grew up in, with a defection plan in mind and with a secrecy kept for seven years, it doesn't surprise him that Reiner is one of the receivers: someone whose mind was destroyed by his double personality and who showed regrets at one moment and immense hatred for humanity at the other.

She doesn't mention the others, though, mainly Bertholdt, Annie and Marcel, who were also part of the operation against Paradis Island; and that makes Jean wonder whether Sasha's intention is to focus solely on Reiner due to his mental state that somehow can be compared to her own regrets for her secrecy.

 _It seems easy enough, right?_

 _If you're not Reiner…if you're another person on my list reading this letter, you may think it was easy for us. But let me tell you, you're dead wrong._

 _On the other hand, if you_ are _Reiner…you know better than anyone what all this did to us. To what a struggle it brought me…and to what sort of mental breakdown it led you._

At this point Jean has to stop again, all of a sudden unable to go on because of the sad laughter that escapes his lips, sounding like wailing in the silence of his office and the silent night outside, together with the way he fondly shakes his head at how good Sasha was at reading people—an excellent trait for a former spy, he has to admit. Because it reminds him so much of his initial reaction to the letters and everything Potato Girl wants to relay through them that he can relate to the underlying anger and irony Sasha hides in that phrase; as if she wants to scold the readers for doubting her and believing the mission assigned to her was an easy task for her.

It is exactly what he thought when he allowed his denial and his furiousness overwhelm him; how he was certain that Sasha's behavior towards him—towards _everyone_ —was nothing more than a pretense coming from a well-trained spy and how she wishes to guilt-trip them with this series of letters. How he had the audacity to think so cruelly of Sasha; and even though he has now accepted her honesty these years, he feels grateful to her for mentioning it…for making the readers face their own close-mindedness instead of taking everything into account. Hell, Jean himself shouted for a month that executing Falco and Gabi—Sasha's own _murderer_ , damn it—won't end the war and yet he was ready to hate Potato Girl for something she never went through with in the end.

And even though he still doesn't know how to confront Reiner and the old anger is mixed with pity and confusion, he manages to find the strength to pick up the parchment again and continue reading, hoping that Sasha's perspective will help him gain a more composed and objective view of the holder of the Armored Titan—the same person who is currently imprisoned in their Headquarters and has become a person of interest for potential traitors like Floch and Yelena.

 _Before I start explaining how exactly you contributed in me officially leaving Marley behind, let me make some things clear. You probably already suspect what I'm about to say, but I better say it anyway, especially since both our positions are seen under a whole new perspective by our friends and superiors. Not to mention that I want to be faster than any sort of…heavy objections from certain people. You'll understand soon who I'm talking about._

 _In this letter I won't try to justify and defend our actions, neither yours nor mine. I acknowledge my responsibilities and the role I played, indirectly or not, in this war, just like you acknowledge yours. This series of letters isn't so I appear as a perfect victim or something, but a way to explain what exactly changed my mind._

 _I also acknowledge the consequences of our actions, the impact they had for humanity, for the Survey Corps and for us. And again, I'm sure you acknowledge them as well…bringing us to how you ended being one of the receivers of this box._

 _I won't take your time by analyzing what harm the Warrior and Espionage Program did to Paradis and its people. What trust issues we caused to those who were important to us and those we cared about. Not because it's not relevant, of course it is, but you already carry this burden without me reminding you of it. Besides, there will be a time to analyze all that…I won't be there to witness it, but I hope that at least I'll play some role in it. But that's another story._

"Another story for what? We've reached Letter Nine already, what are you waiting for?" The nineteen-year-old exclaims, not with anger exactly, but more with impatience, for he worries a lot about all those implies Sasha's leaving in her letters and he tries to figure out what exactly he needs to understand that makes everyone believe he has a key role in this mess.

 _Let's see…this is Reiner's letter…and then there's me, there's Mikasa, there's Connie…and, if my predictions are right, there's also the mysterious person Sasha was afraid of_ , he mentally counts the receivers that are left, realizing once more that he's approaching the end…something that relieves and scares him at the same time and in equal measures. _And pretty much anyone's letter could be the one where she makes everything clear._

But then his eyes fall on what Sasha wrote before that…about how she won't try to excuse Reiner's behavior or hers…nor will she try to defend the two of them for what they did—or, in Sasha's case, were supposed to do. How she acknowledges the consequences of their mission on the entire island of Paradis…and how this made Reiner one of the receivers.

"So it was Reiner's regrets and the common aspects Sasha shared with him that made him part of the list." Jean mumbles, trying to fight the known pain about how Reiner proved to be one of their main enemies four years ago…fighting against him during Eren's rescue mission, during the battle in Shiganshina and seeing him at Liberio, battling against him and managing to capture him in the end.

And even though Sasha defected to the Scouts in the end, the young man can fully understand how she saw herself in Reiner…their common past, their common assignment, their common regrets that eventually destroyed the male Titan Shifter…Hell, she maybe even saw in Reiner the person she _might_ have been had she seen her mission from Marley through.

A memory tries to invade his mind; of course, no surprise there, especially since it's Reiner's letter he's reading, someone he considered a close friend and a brother figure during their cadet days and someone who betrayed everyone in the worst way possible. He attempts with all his strength to repress it; there's time for memories, the night is still young, after all, and he really needs to proceed with the letter because, apparently, his suspicions are correct and the higher a letter's number the more important the receiver's role in Sasha's defection was.

 _You know, I always had you in mind as someone who would complete his mission no matter what…as someone who wouldn't falter when faced with danger and guilt. And to be honest, I admired that because I lacked this determination…in fact, when I first came to Paradis, I had already decided I wouldn't obey the commands given to me. But, as it usually happens, the first impression is wrong, an illusion, the tip of the iceberg. Because, in the end, you, my misguided friend, were even more broken than I was. In the end, we were similar, you and I._

 _The first time I realized I was wrong in my impression about you was when we were thirteen years old. We had completed a year of training in the Cadet Corps and, according to my task, it was time for me to send the first reports back to Marley. Everything I had observed until that point, from the island's layout to the military's strength and its most noticeable members. When it became clear to the warriors that no such reports existed, that I had absolutely no intention to send any information, you approached me after dinner and practically dragged me to the stables so we could talk away from curious ears…so you could demand explanations._

 _"_ _What the hell do you think you're doing, you little fool?" You yelled at me as you violently shook my shoulders. "You put us all in danger, you put our families in danger!"_

 _I didn't try to escape your grip, mostly because I completely understood what you were saying, struggling with the potential consequences of my choice. I tried to explain this to you, but you didn't want to listen, you just shook me harder and kept shouting, threatening to beat the living daylights out of me if I didn't obey. At the sound of these words I found my strength and yelled at you to do it, because I wouldn't change my mind no matter what._

 _That's when everything changed. Your expression softened in a sudden, you let me go and started laughing goodheartedly. I was so dumbfounded at this moment that it was almost funny…it was like I had a different person in front of me than the warrior who yelled at me a few seconds ago. Turns out, that was exactly what was happening, because you commented that you would never beat me, but I should stop slacking off, otherwise I'd get punished by Commandant Shadis. You even offered me tips for my hand-to-hand combat skills and how to improve them. In other words, you were talking like Marley and our missions never existed._

 _I didn't fully understand back then, although I suspected. But as the years passed, I confirmed it in my mind…until the ultimate confrontation. Until the moment you openly admitted to Eren and the rest that you were the Armored Titan and Bertholdt the Colossal one. When we retrieved Eren from the forest after rescuing him (seriously, doesn't this guy get tired from getting kidnapped so often?) he told me that, for a moment, you started speaking to him as a soldier…wondering what was happening and whether Commander Erwin would give you a promotion._

 _Your warrior side clashed so violently with your soldier one that your two personalities started merging, trying to defeat each other and, at the same time, coexisting in you…in a mental battle no one deserves to go through, your duty to Marley and your guilt at open war._

Jean remembers that confrontation only too well; how he and the rest of his friends rushed after Reiner in his Titan form to save Eren. He, Connie and Sasha herself had addressed both Reiner and Bertholdt, the latter busy trying to restrain a resisting Eren. All three of them trying to reach out to them as the friends they had thought to be, mentioning funny moments they had lived together in the 104th and Sasha pleaded them to say that all this was a lie.

 _Now that I'm thinking about it…_

Why did Sasha, of all people, ask from Reiner to assure them that his and Bertholdt's identities as Titan Shifters was a lie? She knew them personally, she knew about their mission and she even knew or at least suspected at that time that Reiner wasn't in the healthiest mental state. But there were so many things she could tell him…that they can figure it out, for instance, or that there is another way…why this specific choice of words? Could it be a desperate attempt to conceal her own past and maintain the pretense that she was from Dauper and knew nothing of Marley? Or did she want to pass the message that abducting Eren as holder of the Attack Titan—and, as it was later revealed, the Founding Titan as well—and bringing him to Marley was not the right path to follow?

"So much mystery concerning all of them…the more we learn the deeper this conspiracy runs…" Jean whispers and focuses back on the letter, almost feeling like the fifteen-year-old Scout he once was…the one who just discovered that another nation existed beyond the ocean.

 _Remember what I said during Eren's rescue mission, when everyone had trouble accepting yours and Bert's true identities? I begged you to tell me that all this was a lie. And I didn't say that because I pretended to be the betrayed and surprised Scout back then. It was a hidden message for you, Reiner…I wanted to tell you that way that you had a choice, that you always had. That you could have chosen long ago…that you could be free…but it was too late. Both of us knew it. It was an explosion in you and it couldn't fade away so easily._

 _I spent the whole night awake, thinking. Trying not to cry in bitterness and anger for both of us. For everything Marley shaped us into, for everything it did with you, for how it manipulated so many generations without caring about the consequences._

 _They broke your very existence, Reiner, and both of us know it wasn't easy for you to fight against it._

 _But this doesn't mean I can't do something about it. To deliver some sort of justice for the person you could have been and the person they didn't allow you to be._

"So that's why…"

That moment, apparently, was the breaking point for Sasha; the moment she realized that there was no turning back from the destructive path Reiner's mental health had taken. It was a plea, not just to Reiner himself, but also a general one; a plea that someone she knew since she was ten years old still had a chance to abandon his mission, leave Eren in peace and allow her and the rest of the Scout Regiment to help him.

She even was by Jean's side that same night, her and Connie…tired, desperate yet relieved to see him awake after the hit he had suffered when they confronted Reiner, who kept throwing mindless Titans at them. And her words…once again, words that seemed innocent back then, now took a different dimension under the light of the recent revelations.

* * *

 _"_ _There you are, sleepyhead." Are the first words he is greeted with when he opens his eyes, immediately groaning at the burning pain that torments his head and that makes him close his eyes again for a few seconds. "How you feeling?"_

 _"_ _Like I got injured by an incoming Titan during a battle against Reiner and an army of mindless Titans," he whispers his answer still with closed eyes as he tries to control his breathing and, when he raises a hand on his head, he feels the bandage that's wrapped around it._

 _"_ _Oh, good, you're feeling great if you're your good old sarcastic self," another voice joins the conversation, girly and teasing and Jean smirks; he doesn't need to open his eyes to realize that the terrible twins are by his side._

 _Sure enough, Connie and Sasha are seated on a wooden bench right beside his bed, staring worriedly at him despite their smiles at his reply; even in the dimly-lit room that's only illuminated by a candle on his night desk he can observe their tired expressions, the bags under their eyes, their wrinkled clothing and, in Sasha's case, the trademark suspicious glistening in her eyes as if she is one step before crying—a rare sight since Potato Girl almost never cries and faces everything with humor and determination._

 _Not that he can blame them, of course. Despite the pain and the concussion he's definitely suffered, Jean can still think clearly enough to remember everything that's transpired the past hours to the moment he fell unconscious. The revelation about Reiner and Bertholdt being the Armored and the Colossal Titan respectively, Eren's abduction, Ymir's unlikely alliance with them, the Scouts intervening, Reiner's Titan throwing mindless Titans at everyone, Survey Corps and Military Police soldiers alike falling victims, Commander Erwin losing his arm…_

 _It's a chain of events…and a following chain of emotions that are currently dulled in him due to the painkillers and his physical injury, yet Jean is sure that he'll explode sooner or later. His eyes meet the gazes of his friends and he can read his own despair in them, as all of them try to fully realize what exactly has happened and what this will mean for their own future; not just the future of the regiment, but the burden the former members of the 104th have to carry from now on, the heavy burden of accepting the fact that their enemy pretended to be their friend for so long._

 _"_ _Reiner and Bertholdt…"_

 _"_ _They escaped, Jean…and Ymir went with them." Connie replies to his question before he can express it, understanding that his need to learn everything. "Eren's discovered some new ability to control Titans...it was unbelievable, something he never did before!"_

 _"_ _Urgh, damn it…" Jean leaves a sound of disdain, not only because of the pain but because of the new information that only adds to the current burden…a new Titan ability and Reiner, Bertholdt and Ymir escaping?_

 _"_ _Reiner seemed…actually terrified when Eren managed to control the mindless Titans and kill another one through this power. Hanji-san suspects that maybe this ability is the reason Reiner and Bertholdt abducted him in the first place."_

 _A meek sob escapes Sasha's lips, interrupting Connie's narration and making both boys turned concerned towards her, ready to comfort her in any way possible. Still, no tears run down Sasha's face; she just gestures at them that she will be fine and simply stares at them with a look that's more worrisome than her tears would be…it's a look full of terror and unspoken despair, as if she wants to explode yet is unable to for a reason Jean can't understand._

 _"_ _Bastards…Fooling all of us for three years…Pretending to be our friends…Pretending to fight for humanity…to hate Titans…to be like older siblings…and all this a lie…"_

 _"_ _We…You don't know what exactly happened, Jean. There are so many things you can't explain yet." Sasha disagrees with him and now her hazel eyes seem to throw flames; they hold a power and a passion of their own, like they want to relay a secret message of great importance. "Because the truth isn't only black and white and one day you'll understand."_

* * *

 **A/N: So, another chapter has come to an end, hope you liked it, everyone :) :) Stay tuned, next chapter will be up next weekend ;)  
**


	18. Nests of vipers

**A/N: Hiiii, everyone! Finally, after a hellish semester in college, absence from the forum and pulling an all-nighter, the next chapter of our story is here :D The second part of Season 3 is over (and what an amazing season it was), the most recent manga chapter was absolutely INSANE and now we have to wait a whole year for the fourth season! So, hope you like the chapter, guys :)  
**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Thank god this jerk can't call our Sasha anything anymore, never liked him anyway. And 'hella confused' is a pretty accurate way to describe how things proceed in the manga, I am really curious to see where Isayama will go with this. Hope you enjoy the new chapter :D**

 **Guest: Thank you so much for liking the story so far, hope you will like how it continues as well :)**

 **ResistingFate: One year since Sasha died and I am still not over it either :( Thank you for taking the time to review each chapter...so you think Armin knows, eh? Hmmmm, very interesting theory. And I simply ADORE Falco, the kid is so sweet and thank God he stopped Jean and Gabi from killing each other. Whenever you want someone to analyze the manga with, feel free to PM me so we can have a chat.**

 **This story contains SPOILERS for the Attack on Titan manga, especially the Marley arc and the final arc (I couldn't help it, I brought the volunteers and the Jaegerists into the game too).**

 **The title is inspired by the Game of Thrones Telltale game and specifically the fifth episode of the series.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which inspired this fanfic.**

* * *

 _"_ _Hey, I don't think getting drunk the night before we go to Marley is a wise idea."_

 _"_ _Says the one who's drinking too and who said that Marley, apparently, has some great alcohol!"_

 _"_ _Point taken." Jean replies, smirking to Connie's comment despite the agony that's overwhelming him, combined with the fear for the unknown and whether he'll be mourning the loss of friends in a few days, as an outcome of the battle that awaits them across the ocean._

 _And yet he's also being tortured by a tormenting feel of disappointment…something that scares even himself, since he hasn't experienced something similar in a long time. Fear, anger, guilt…these are emotions he's familiar with, but not this festering disappointment that's eating him and making him tighten the grip on his cup as if he's seeking something steady to hold on. Hell, he shouldn't even have such thoughts…he always tries to stay grounded, close to the dark truths that mark this world, without exaggerating dreams or fruitless hopes. But, if he wants to be honest with himself, ever since he and Sasha danced by the sea years ago, accompanied by their friends, the recruits and their newest allies…accompanied by Yelena and Onyankopon's singing…he really started believing that they could end this circle without any more bloodshed._

 _Futile dreams, of course…and right now Jean almost feels stupid for daring to have hopes like some rookie…as if he doesn't know that no positive outcomes and happy endings exist for the Scouts. He's realized that ever since he learned that humans are the real enemies, and not Titans, so why did he allow himself to hope like that?_

 _Sasha and Connie, of course, would tell him that it's in the human nature to hope, especially with the life of uncertainty and struggle the Survey Corps is leading. That even someone like him, despite all the dilemmas and the guilt, has every right to dream about a better future and have moments of happiness. And if someone in the regiment has made him believe in a better future, it's this duo of terrible twins, with their jokes and their teasing, with Connie's exaggerating optimism and Sasha's smiles and genuine kindness that lights up the darkness of the military._

 _Which is why he'll do everything in his power to ensure that these two make it back from the battle in Liberio. If he has a say in it, these two will come back safe and sound._

 _At that moment, muffled protests and giggles right outside the room brings him back to reality and away from his worries on the upcoming fight as the door opens and the girl currently occupying his thoughts enters with a wide smile adorning her face, her hands on Mikasa's shoulders as she playfully pushes the latter in front of her. Mikasa, to whom the aforementioned protests belonged, is shaking her head and whispering something; Jean can catch the words 'ridiculous', 'training' and 'eve of the battle'. Armin is completing the small group, watching the two girls with a fond smile on his face, even though it's obvious to everyone who knows him that he's mentally repeating the plan for the thousandth time._

 _And Jean can understand him; after all it will be his Titan form who will destroy Marley's fleet_ _and wreck havoc upon the capital_ _tomorrow, eliminating soldiers and, quite possible, innocent residents in the process._

 _"_ _Here you are!" Connie exclaims joyfully, to which Sasha replies with a giggle as she pushes Mikasa towards a chair and pulls two more for Armin and herself. "How did you convince these two to join us?"_

 _Jean smirks and looks at Sasha, who's now heading towards a nearby table, where the two men placed bottles of wine and plates of food earlier to help herself, now curiously waiting for Potato Girl's answer. After all, Armin and Mikasa have been rather isolated from the rest these past few weeks, when the preparations for the battle reached their end, Mikasa more so than Armin. Their blond strategist spends most of his time over blueprints, battleplans and military formations, while Mikasa tends to seclude herself and contemplate the situation in Marley or converse with the leader of the Eastern clan whenever she pays them a visit, trying to get used to her new heritage. So the fact that the two of them are here, at the eve of the battle, seems truly like a miracle in Connie and Jean's eyes._

 _"_ _How I convinced them? With my irresistible charm and power of conviction, Connie, how else?" Sasha answers her closest friend's question with another string of giggles, now carefully balancing three plates of food on her arms for her, Armin and Mikasa; the two of them quickly take their plates from her to assist her, both with smirks at her response._

 _"_ _Ah, that would explain it."_

 _The way Jean utters this specific answer is spontaneous, the teasing comment almost unfitting compared to the chaos that's about to ensue tomorrow, and yet he can't help but grin and laugh at the way Sasha looks at him…as if she's wondering whether he's joking or actually meaning these words. Still, it spreads warmth through him…it has a sense of normalcy, like their usual teasing banter, something Sasha seems to be getting as well, judging from the way she chuckles and playfully shoves his shoulder while sitting down. It's refreshing to see Potato Girl like that; she's not been quite herself these months, focused on the upcoming mission and always serious…seeing her responding to his comment like that reminds Jean of the good old Sasha he's fond of…it's like a glow breaking the darkness surrounding their world, kind of like in the past, when they reconciled after their infamous cooking contest, a moment of relaxation amongst the anxiety of the military._

 _"_ _Charm aside, how you holding up, Sasha?" Connie's question breaks the eye contact between them and they return to their surroundings; Sasha focuses her attention on her best friend and Jean looks back at his cup of wine, once again fighting against troublesome thoughts and fears for the future._

 _"_ _Oh, you know, about to eat some fresh delicious potatoes, gonna get killed by a nation across the ocean which is also responsible for the creation of Titans…all in all, a normal day in the Recon Corps, right?"_

 _Sasha's smiling as she's saying that, giving the impression that's it's one of her usual jokes with some dark undertone; after all, you can't spend so many years fighting without developing some sort of dark humor. However, the reply still pains Jean almost physically…hearing these words from her isn't common and it sure as hell doesn't help his state and the worries he's trying to hard to hide for the sake of the others. As if guessing his thoughts, Sasha's gaze once more travels towards him, giving him a secret glance before the girl leaves an inaudible sigh…this look has something, though…something Jean can only interpret as guilt, although he can't even imagine the root behind it…because if Sasha's feeling guilty for anything, then how should_ he _feel, with everything he could have prevented and wasn't able to?_

 _"_ _Well, you have your potatoes for the moment." Armin joins the conversation in an attempt to ease the tension that's evident in the room even if no one directly addresses the issue. On the other hand, it seems like he believes they need to talk about it, and so he goes on after throwing a careful look towards Mikasa, who's staring at the lit fireplace and seems lost in her thoughts. "You guys…I don't want to make this worse…but you do know we'll probably face Reiner again tomorrow, right?"_

 _Now Jean can't prevent himself from groaning as the previous emotions are now torturing him and making him actually feel dizzy and grab his forehead to soothe the headache…the old guilt about_ that _battle now resurfacing with all its might. The battle to retake Shiganshina, the Cart Titan's entrance, carrying Zeke…A decision of a few seconds, when he pushed Hanji away, saving her, yet giving the Titan enough time to grab Reiner and escape. A thorn not allowing him to rest all this time…a reminder of his own failure when they could have answers from Reiner four years ago. He shakes his head, takes a gulp of wine to hide his trembling hands, but his despair doesn't go unnoticed by the people who know him so well after seven years of facing everything together._

 _"_ _Stop blaming yourself for that. You chose to save Hanji's life over your personal revenge on Reiner…no one's holding you responsible for that…do you have any idea what courage this takes? Besides…we can always try and imprison him tomorrow instead of killing him…maybe we can at least try and understand his point of view that way." Sasha talks in a quiet voice, looking at the fireplace, as if she's afraid to meet the others' gazes and see their reaction._

 _To be honest, discussing Reiner is still painful for all of them, which is why they've been avoiding talking about it unless it's absolutely necessary; for instance during strategy meetings with Hanji, Levi and the anti-Marley volunteers. Bits of anger, hurt and betrayal still linger in them at the reminder of Reiner's true identity; Mikasa is the first to show that, judging from the angry growl she leaves at Sasha's suggestion about imprisoning the Titan Shifter and not kill him in an instant. Connie looks deep in thought, as if he's seriously considering this idea…looking almost relieved and Jean remembers how devastated the other one was in Shiganshina, when they were about to eliminate the Armored Titan. And Armin keeps looking between Mikasa and Sasha, obviously torn between his childhood friend and the impact this decision could have on the squad concerning the struggle against Marley._

 _Jean, on the other hand, in one of the rare occasions in his life as a soldier, doesn't focus on the bigger picture and the consequences of Reiner being a prisoner of war in Paradis, but focuses on Sasha and how concentrated she seems right now…it feels as if she deliberately tries to take his guilt away from him._

 _And, for some weird reason, he can't shake off the feeling that Potato Girl is carrying burdens and qualms about something specific as well…and his own guilt only adds to whatever she is going through. Which means that releasing him from his responsibility at Reiner's escape…looks like it's a personal matter for her, even though Jean can't exactly explain this conclusion._

 _They spend the next hours in comfortable silence with the exception of some attempts at small talk and Connie's teasing comment that now would be a good timing for a song if only one of them could sing well. Jean prefers it that way; after everything they've been through together, they really don't need useless words and vague promises the night before such a crucial battle. And so he simply basks in the silence and the others' company, occasionally stealing glances and smiles with everyone, mostly Sasha, who looks oddly relaxed after all these months of anxiety and planning. Now she looks almost at peace, as if she has come to terms with something only she knows…and his mind returns to that stormy day in the ocean…when he first suspected that some dark thought tormented her._

 _But he can't confuse her more, not when tomorrow they'll fight and murder other people again, questioning their own humanity. He can't ask her all the things he has in mind or talk to her about the dreams appearing in his mind for such a long time, not when she is so calm and gives him her softest smile to give him courage about tomorrow._

* * *

A fatal mistake, as it proved to be.

Well, maybe not that conversation in general—after all, they _did_ take Reiner prisoner and avoided killing him upon facing him in Liberio—but definitely in regard to Sasha and him not opening up to her about everything troubling him that last night before the battle.

The last night Sasha spent alive with them.

Not that Jean could know that back then, but these thoughts can't help but resurface at this moment, especially since he's just finished reading Reiner's letter. Someone whose way of thinking he still hasn't clarified, not even after facing him in battle, spending four years discovering the truths of this world and locking him up in a cell at Headquarters just above Eren's own cell. Two powerful Titan Shifters in captivity, a War Chief with mysterious plans under the supervision of the Military Police and two capable Warrior Candidates in Wall Sina's prisons, and yet Jean hasn't even come close to find out anything about their intentions and who exactly has turned traitor and is helping them right now.

 _I don't like this at all…but why do I have the feeling that this conspiracy is completely out of my control? That I don't have the power or the proof to stop it in time before something really horrible happens?_ Jean's fear resurfaces in his mind, the worry about Eren revealing Sasha's past to his supporters not leaving him alone.

The conflicting emotions and the blankness still prevail as he leaves his office and heads towards the dungeons, this time to make things clear with Reiner—not that he's in the mood to see Eren again, anyway. Still, the silence all around, combined with his already morbid thoughts, make cold shivers run down his entire spine…walking across the dark and quiet Headquarters in the middle of the night and with only a few lit torches illuminating the corridors and causing shadows to dance on the walls gives a completely different aura to the familiar building that's filled with busy soldiers during daytime.

"Perfect time to conspire and sneak in the kitchens for a snack, don't you think?" The now known voice echoes in his head once more, with that teasing and sly tone that's entirely Sasha…that _was_ entirely Sasha, Jean reminds himself and shakes his head, trying not to let his denial, the letters and the voice in his mind distract him from reality and the irreversible fact that Sasha is gone.

And yet the despair and the chills don't abandon him when he approaches the door that leads to the dungeons, especially when another feeling is added to all the mess…a sudden, out-of-the-blue, terrifying, suffocating impression that he's being followed or watched…that someone is lurking in the dark corners of the main hall or in the mess hall…in the darkness that's spreading and the parts of the building the light of the torches doesn't reach. He can't assume with precision whether this is an actual fact and he's being indeed followed right now—after all, there _are_ traitors in this building—or if his sensitive nerves are making up scenarios that have nothing to do with reality…but he still throws a look behind his back despite knowing that his eyes can't penetrate the dark.

Of course no one can be seen, although this does little to ease the nineteen-year-old Commanding Officer, who's learned to be on constant vigilance ever since he was but a recruit in the Scout Regiment, long before he realized that humans are the true enemies. Hurrying recklessly into danger can be suicidal, yes, instead of assessing a situation, but he's reached the conclusion that instinctive suspicions and cautiousness can save lives as effectively as a strategic battle plan organized for months…sometimes even more effectively than the latter.

Once he closes the door of the dungeons behind him and faces the quiet corridor, the damp walls and the cells right and left, the same feeling overwhelms him, the one he sensed when he came down here to talk to Eren; the feeling of old stories of terror concerning this part of Headquarters, of overwhelming awe and of simultaneous difficulty to breathe, as if he is the one locked behind bars…a contrast to how free and satisfied he felt when he and his friends first discovered the ocean and admired the open scenery and the horizon, where sea and sky become one. Instead of admiring the ocean, though, right now he has other priorities in mind, uncomfortable conversations he needs to go through and mysteries to uncover in order to predict and interpret the plans that have been set into motion from various sides, traitorous and not alike. The big question is, from all those Sasha's letters and the conspiracy in Eren's favor concern, who is on which side exactly and what is their role in the greater matter that, apparently, shall affect the Survey Corps, Paradis Island _and_ Marley at the same time?

A single soldier is standing guard, watching over Reiner, his back leaning against the stone wall and his blue eyes fixed on the blond with a sharp gaze that contradicts his somewhat bored expression…almost as if he wants to trick the carrier of the Armored Titan that he has lowered his guard…almost as if challenging their prisoner to do something foolish that will give the soldier the opportunity to punish him. Jean recognizes the guard as Lukas Altenbach, a man approximately in his early thirties who transferred to the Scouts from the Garrisons two years ago and was quickly appointed Squad Leader due to his experience and his years in service. Jean remembers, with a faint shaking of his head, how often Lukas used to disagree with Lobov because of their different ways to examine and confront a situation, and also how often Lukas taunted Lobov because of his higher rank, while Lobov was mere a soldier despite having also served as a Section Commander during his time in the Garrison.

Naturally, this memory also brings back another memory…how poor Lobov was actually murdered by Gabi in Liberio so the twelve-year-old could take the man's Maneuver Gear and reach the Scouts' blimp; an action that also led to Sasha's own death. Jean recalls the friendly exchange he shared with Lobov mere minutes before this…when the latter assured him that he could handle the fighting still ensuing and that Jean should join the others on the airship. Hell, they couldn't even bury the man like he deserved, since he had been killed and his gear taken away by Gabi…instead, they had simply built a gravestone with his name on it, as a hopeless and desperate attempt to honor him even though they didn't give him a proper funeral.

Jean sighs and shakes his head again, forcing himself to abandon the memories for now and focus on his surroundings. And so he coughs, wears a blank expression and greets the guard with a polite nod and the military salute; Lukas returns it immediately, although it's clear that his comrade's entrance has startled him.

"Squad Leader Altenbach."

"Commanding Officer Kirstein. I didn't expect you to inspect the dungeons tonight, I wasn't informed of your shift."

Truth be told, Jean sometimes finds Lukas's overly polite way of speaking rather tiresome, since it has nothing to do with the polite accent Sasha was forced to use by her Marley superiors and which sounded funny and kind. Quite the contrary, Lukas sometimes gives the impression to say the exact opposite of what he actually means, not to mention that his arrogant demeanor towards the anti-Marley volunteers and the younger recruits make many feel uncomfortable when encountering him; Connie joked once that even Jean is on his black list because of his status as Commanding Officer despite being so younger than him.

"Well, it wasn't a planned shift, but I wouldn't mind watching over my old comrade here." He replies now, trying to give a neutral tone in his voice, since he is too tired to actively disagree with the other man and tell him to cut this fake respect. "Besides, I am sure you'd prefer to do anything else than watch over a prisoner for hours."

"Thanks, Jean, but it's no trouble at all." The older Squad Leader insists, easily adopting a more casual tone now that the formalities have been said; still, Jean doesn't know if his general mistrust is the root behind it, but even this friendliness makes him sick to his stomach. "It's my duty as soldier, after all…Besides…I am sure you have better things to do than willingly watch over this one, right? I mean, bad memories and all…and recent ones too?"

 _Wow, seriously? You'll use this argument against me now? You consider me so weak and emotional to think that my grief and anger will make me unstable?_

"Don't worry about that, Lukas…to you it may be simply a duty, but I can handle myself, bad memories or not." Jean insists, wanting to pass him the message that Reiner's imprisonment is something personal for the old members of the Scouts, while Lukas sees it more emotionlessly and therefore sees everything one-sided. Not to mention that the other man's unwillingness to leave him alone to talk to Reiner has started to really irritate him.

"I'm sorry, Jean, but you know what's being whispered…you know, your old friendship with Reiner, his betrayal, his cousin murdering Sasha…Some fear that things will escalate if you are left alone with him."

Now Jean is actually finding it almost impossible to maintain his calm façade and he has no idea what stops him from yelling at the man next to him. But as he processes Lukas's words, a frown appears on his face, since no such fears and rumors have reached his ears…and why on earth would the Squad Leader mention his old friendship with Reiner too? So some assume that he will lash out at Reiner to take his revenge and some believe that he will actually free Reiner for the sake of the old times…and maybe even reunite him with Gabi in Wall Sina? Unless, of course, no such rumors exist and Lukas is merely making them up to convince Jean that being alone with Reiner needs to be avoided at any costs.

But why would it bother Lukas so much? Unless...

"In any case, Lukas, if anyone has such fears, send them to me sometime so I can calm them down. And now, would you please allow me to stand guard over Reiner? You've been here longer than your shift usually lasts anyway."

Seeing that there was no way out of it, Lukas merely sighs and nods, giving Jean a mockery salute before quietly departing, although not before throwing a final ironic gaze towards him. Only when the door of the dungeons closes behind him can Jean finally breathe in relief, now feeling slightly better than he did while confronting his older comrade…even though a scoff sounding from the cell across from him catches his attention. Reiner still has the same position he had last night, when Jean briefly looked at him before going to talk to Eren; blank look staring into nowhere and an expression as if he doesn't quite recognize his surroundings—or as if he couldn't care less about his current captivity. Still, his head has jolted up and now a pathetic attempt at a smirk is marking his face, but Jean can't quite be sure whether it's compassionate or sarcastic—ever since he learned about the Titan Shifter's switching personalities, he has realized that nothing can be certain when circling around Reiner Braun.

"Who would have known…trouble among the Scouts, huh? Let me guess, divided loyalties? Conflict of interests? Mistrust towards everyone? Confusion?" The blond comments, his voice quiet, as if he is narrating something rather dull, contrasting Eren, who immediately mocked Jean and how slow he was at reading Sasha's letters. "Unless, of course, you came to gloat as well for your oh-so-brave colleagues in Sina who vent all their hatred in torturing two twelve-year-olds."

 _Wait…what?_

 _Torturing…twelve-year-olds?_

 _What the hell is he talking about?_

"Hang on a second, Reiner…who on earth told you that the MPs tortured Falco and Gabi?"

"That's what you care about? That nasty jerk who just left, why is that so important to you?"

So Lukas is spreading rumors and framing everyone…attempting to ignite Jean's suspicions by telling him that some Scouts don't trust him around Reiner…and to break Reiner's spirit by telling him that Falco and Gabi are being tortured in Stohess. Interesting…Terrifyingly interesting, Jean thinks and shivers, his mind working with all its speed…because he has just discovered another member of the conspiracy that's being organized by Floch, Yelena and who knows who else. Besides, it kinda makes sense; Lukas still holds influence in Wall Rose as a former high-ranking member of the Garrison Squad, meaning that he will be valuable in turning the people living in the regions within the walls against the Recon Corps…by relaying false rumors, by making them appear as deceitful soldiers who have captured Humanity's Last Hope and, should Jean's suspicions be correct, by using Sasha's death to stir up the residents' frustration at their unwillingness to severely punish the two young Warrior Cadets.

And if Reiner believes said rumors…then this adds up with what Connie overheard Floch and Yelena saying, about trying to approach him. Should Reiner believe that Falco and Gabi are treated like that, it will be easier to be swayed to the conspirators' side, perhaps even to hope that, if he supports them, he will be able to reach the two children and free them from this torment.

"Lukas, eh? That's quite odd. Because we were informed that four MPs attacked Falco and Gabi and that your cousin injured two of them. Neither one of the kids is seriously hurt and…our ally in the Military Police has confined the attackers and they'll go through a hearing."

It's a gamble. A huge risk and he knows that. But if there is one chance to talk to Reiner's soldier side and awaken some of the old trust the 104th Trainee Corps showed towards him, then maybe he can beat those conspiring against the Scouts with their own means. If rumors and manipulation is what they use to bring everyone on the island on their side, then he simply needs to use the facts to persuade Reiner that, despite the hatred against the little ones, no one has dared torture them…and yet keep his informants a secret, since he doesn't want Reiner to know that Hitch and her squad are said allies in the Military Police.

Nevertheless, it seems that his words have some sort of impact on Reiner, who looks at him for the first time since Jean entered the dungeons, his gaze a mixture of curiosity, suspicion and hope, as if he desperately needs to believe him, and the nineteen-year-old Scout thinks that, whether warrior or soldier, Reiner hides a side of his that is purely human...twisted to the point of no return, maybe, but still human.

"See, Jean? Even though we sometimes dream of a shelter…whether a hometown or the island we have to spy…it still proves to hold all kinds of vipers that will hunt you down, not allowing you a moment of rest. You know that now, don't you? Just like _she_ knew."

 _Ah, so we've reached Sasha, her plan and her letters already. She knew…that Paradis isn't the perfect shelter she imagined when she first defected from Marley? I mean, yeah, you_ do _come to terms with that after some time._

But something in Reiner's comment makes Jean think about it twice, since he is aware that the prisoner's fragile mental state and how deep Sasha's defection actually run make it too easy to jump to quick conclusions and miss the bigger picture. Reiner doesn't only mention the wish for a shelter, which was obviously Potato Girl's wish when she decided that she wouldn't complete the mission Marley assigned her…but he also mentions the word 'hometown', which is how he vaguely described Marley during their cadet days. Instead of calling all of them children of the devil, like he did in Shiganshina, now he acknowledges that both Eldians and Marleyans can be like traitorous vipers.

And Jean doesn't know if he is in such desperate need of even the smallest hope, but this makes him think that maybe Reiner isn't completely lost to them, after all…that there is a chance to make him see their point of view and stop him from joining the conspiracy brewing up in the Headquarters and within the walls. This can wait, though; he came here for another purpose…to hear the opinion of someone whose double life messed him up so much that both sides coexist and try to defeat each other…seriously, Jean can't think of a more fitting description than the one Sasha gives in the letter addressed to the Armored Titan.

 _And at least he doesn't call Sasha a traitor…hearing it from Eren was torturous enough, I wouldn't stand hearing it a second time._

"Yes, she knew…what did she do with that knowledge, though? I mean, beside the obvious, of course." He elaborates and, judging from Reiner's quick and almost frantic nod, the message is clear even without a direct mention of the letters. "I mean…did she somehow delete her memories of Marley for a period of time? Or did she switch between the funny girl from Dauper and the cunning spy from Marley?"

He has admitted to himself that Sasha didn't pretend all these years…that her kindness and humor were genuine and that he was a damn fool to believe otherwise. But if Potato Girl subconsciously deleted or suppressed the negative memories from Marley…if her two personalities clashed like Reiner's did…then perhaps this would explain how she managed to hold on for seven years…to smile, be optimistic and hide her past with only a few hints slipping in her words; hints he's remembering only now that he has a clear picture about her origins.

Not that this is the explanation he _wishes_ is the correct one. As a fifteen-year-old recruit for the Survey Corps, Jean heard various and various tales of sorrow and horror from his superiors. Stories about comrades who lost their minds after an expedition, who spent days in shock and lying in a catatonic state in their rooms, whose horrible experiences because of the Titans, seeing friends and family eaten alive, made them suppress their memories and they couldn't remember said expedition for days…throwing fits when the suppressed memories found their way to surface. Jean wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less Sasha, but it's a possibility he needs to investigate if he is to uncover her motives and answer some of the questions concerning her and that mysterious plan of hers.

"Who can know for sure?" Reiner answers the Commanding Officer's question and averts his eyes from him, once again staring at the wall as if it's too painful to look at his former comrade. "No one can know, but…from what I saw in Sasha these years…the way she behaved here…was her true self. No suppressed memories, no split personality…it was just her."

His demeanor has changed completely compared to how he acted a couple of minutes ago; as if the hope that Falco and Gabi aren't undergoing some harsh and torturous interrogation has diminished his hatred towards Paradis and has again rendered him the confused and broken man who speaks quietly and makes it impossible for Jean to continue detesting him for what he did in the past. His answer, though, isn't what the Scout expects; this spontaneous assurance that there was nothing behind Sasha's constant cheerfulness; no pretense or broken mental health, just an Eldian girl building a new life with her friends.

"Reiner, if you can't be serious about this—"

"You wanted the truth, didn't you? Whether you like it or not, _this_ is the truth! Plan or not, this was Sasha's true self!" Now Reiner raises his voice and, for a second, Jean thinks he can see the soldier he remembers, the one who acted like an older brother towards all members of the 104th. "And you know this too, even if your suppressed grief and confusion doesn't allow you to see that!"

 _Seriously? First Mikasa says I have a hurt ego and now Reiner is calling me out on suppressing my grief? I mean, it's not like I've made shocking discoveries through nine of thirteen letters or something._

"If you think that it's my suppressed grief talking, then you should know that Eren told me I'm not as noble as Sasha claims. And even though I don't understand what he means and for what reason exactly I ended up on her list…"

"If you still wonder about that, then you're more oblivious and idiotic than I had thought. And since when do you believe Eren's words, anyway, especially since you blamed him first for Sasha's death?"

It's a valid question that doesn't need answering, which is why Jean simply stays silent. Now it's him leaning against the stone wall, with his hands in his pockets, looking at the Titan Shifter and seeing not the enemy, but the distraught man Sasha described in her letter; someone whose actions can't be excused, but can definitely be explained given his state and Marley's history at using and manipulating young Eldians, shaping them into brainwashed and devoted warriors. But his fear due to Eren's words, his overwhelming terror that he is a reason behind Sasha's defection because of the way he treated her in the past, combined with Hanji's advice to seek her and Levi when he reads his own letter, causes him to give Eren's comment more value than he would under normal circumstances.

"I guess all this will be answered, won't it? After all, as everyone keeps telling me, I have to keep reading." Jean concludes and gets ready to leave, but a thought makes him stop and look at Reiner again…because Reiner has already read the letters, meaning that he knows the rest of the receivers. "Reiner…is there someone in these letters…is one of the people on Sasha's list someone she was afraid of? Someone influential in Marley, more dangerous than Zeke, who mustn't know valuable information?"

And it's Reiner's reaction to this precise question that confirms the suspicion…the very same suspicion Jean has had ever since he read Historia's letter and noticed the reluctant way with which Sasha mentioned the young Queen's pregnancy. The blond prisoner stares at him with wide eyes due to the shock, his breathing becoming so erratic that Jean fears he's one step before having a panic attack, before looking away again and locking his eyes on the floor. Reiner's shaking so badly at the moment, that Jean briefly feels the urge to comfort him, just like Reiner did whenever one of the boys in the Cadet Corps was having a nightmare or was afraid of failing Commandant Shadis's training assignments.

But then he composes himself, knowing that, if he says anything now, Reiner will most likely slip into his Warrior mode and yell at him to stop interfering and that he deserves to suffer like the spawn of the devil he is. Besides, the fit seems to be ceasing already; Reiner is now taking deep, yet shaky breaths, and his hands are tightening into fists before loosening again, as if he is trying to calm himself down.

 _Man, is said receiver so influential and dangerous that even a powerful Titan Shifter is afraid of him? Who the hell could they be?_

"I see," is the only thing he utters out loud, now with a hint of sadness as he gives Reiner a final look before taking his leave. "Traitorous vipers indeed, huh?"

While locking the door that leads to the dungeons upon his exit, Jean contemplates his next steps, as there is no way he is actually sleeping tonight. First things first, though; he must inform Hanji and Levi about the new member of Floch and Yelena's conspiracy he has found, so they can investigate him thoroughly and maybe even figure out his exact role in this mess.

And then straight to reading the tenth letter.

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 **A/N: Soooo, my lovelies, another chapter reached its end :) Hope you liked it...things are getting messy, aren't they? Stay tuned for the next chapter this weekend, where we find out who the receiver of the tenth letter is :)**


	19. The one I considered a sister

**A/N: Hiiii, everyone, what's up? Another chapter is here, Letter Number Ten...man, we have only three letters left! More revelations, more memories and suspicions and things are getting more and more serious...what will the remaining three letters reveal, hmmm? And what a mess is happening right now in the manga...Isayama is a crazy one, I'm really curious to see where the plot is going, this waiting every month is pure torture!**

 **To remind everyone of the receivers of the previous letters, here is a list:**

 **Letter One: Sasha's parents**

 **Letter Two: Falco**

 **Letter Three: Zeke**

 **Letter Four: Historia**

 **Letter Five: Ymir**

 **Letter Six: Hanji**

 **Letter Seven: Levi**

 **Letter Eight: Eren**

 **Letter Nine: Reiner**

 **Lieutenant Myst: Thank you so much for your reviews, I'm really happy you like it so much :) The Commander or her parents...good guesses, my friend, very good ones indeed ;)**

 **ResistingFate: Thank you very much for both reviews :D Yeah, Reiner has his own role to play in this mess...and Eren is messing with all of them, in canon and fanfiction alike, apparently :P Hmmm...let me tell you that there is someone (or maybe someones? hehehe) that Jean could save or, at least, protect, but we'll see more of that later ;) There's definitely a pattern in the order of letters...let me only tell you that, the higher the number of the receiver, the more important they are. There's also another pattern, though...but...that's a story for another chapter, hehehe.**

 **This fanfic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga series, especially the Marley arc and the final, still untitled arc. Also, the information concerning the First King and his impact on the people of Paradis are relevant with the third season of the anime, so, all of you who haven't watched it yet, be warned!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and the TV series _13 Reasons Why_ , which inspired this story.**

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As he closes and locks the door of his office, right after sharing his new discoveries with Hanji and Levi, Jean feels like he can finally take a deep breath of relief he has been holding ever since he first stepped into the dungeons to converse with Reiner. Now that he's once again surrounded by the scent of old wood and candle wax, now that he once again has some solitude with only the wooden box and Sasha's letter—and her voice in his head—to keep him company, it's like he's free from the damp surroundings of the underground prison…free from the suspicions his conversations with Lukas and Reiner gave him…free from Hanji's persistence that he needs to keep reading and that she and Levi can investigate on their own. Now he can read and process everything he's learning on his own, away from this new, terrifying impression that someone was watching him as he headed towards the dungeons; a horrifying detail to everything that's been occurring this period of time.

That and, of course, the fact that Connie seems to sense that something's really wrong with him these days, worse than his attempts at hiding his devastation for Sasha's death or his efforts to keep everything at Headquarters under control, especially with Floch and Yelena gathering supporters for a purpse that is still not fully clear. Not that it's not painfully obvious to his closest friend, with how much he's spacing out and how confused about everything he appears like, but he really wants to spare Connie from knowing too much too soon, especially since he's definitely a part in this series of letters. Combined with Connie's nightmares and grief, Jean doesn't want him to go through more pain, questions and confusion before the right time comes.

At least not before he solves the mystery himself so he can provide Connie with as much assurance and explanations as he can.

The envelope with the number **_10_** is placed in front of him, about to be opened and reveal its receiver and their role in Sasha's plan to abandon Marley and the mission given to her by her superiors. Together with this one, there's only four letters left, Jean realizes with a start, confronted with the idea that he's slowing approaching the end and, together with it, hopefully, specific answers about Sasha's defection plan and why the hell everyone believes he's the key to everything.

"If you still wonder about that, then you're more oblivious and idiotic than I had thought," Reiner told him when he expressed his doubts about his role in this mess and why exactly he ended up being on Sasha's list, although the holder of the Armored Titan didn't elaborate on what he meant, even though the possibilities are so countless that they scare the living daylights out of the Commanding Officer.

Historia's insistence that he needs to understand…

Eren's comment that Jean's not as noble as Sasha claims…

Mikasa's scolding that he's a dumbass for allowing his hurt pride taint all the memories he has with the Potato Girl…

Hanji's advice to visit him when he reaches his letter…

Connie's reassurances that there's no way Sasha kept a grudge against Jean for how he treated her in the past…

And now Reiner's words, together with the rhetorical question about him being bothered by what Eren said…

"There's no other way but keep reading, I guess…" He mumbles, now driven not only by a wish to find out what exactly transpired in Sasha's head all these years, but also by a burning curiosity to finally reach his letter and face the facts instead of being overwhelmed by his doubts and his hands almost tremble as he opens the tenth envelope.

 _Being a female soldier is one of the biggest challenges and one of the hardest tasks ever, let me tell you. Even if you're treated equally in your squad, it's obvious in your everyday life or when you converse with soldiers who have a higher rank than you do. And therefore it's common knowledge that in such a challenging environment, we girls have to stick together and show that we can stand our ground without needing some hero to save us. After all, this is what we trained for, for the name of the walls!_

 _To be fair, that's not the case with all soldiers, but there are still a lot close-minded idiots who underestimate you because of your gender, even when you have crucial things to say…even when you're a soldier of unprecedented skill and composure._

This introduction is so specific and obvious that, even before reading the next line, Jean already knows whose letter he is currently reading. Of course would this person have such a high place on Sasha's list of reasons why. Not only because said receiver has such a cardinal role to the politics and intrigues that concern Paradis Island, but also because of the connection these two shared, even if the person this letter is about would rather jump from the walls than openly admit it.

Even if she broke down when Sasha died.

 _Mikasa Ackerman, welcome to the list, sister._

Mikasa…the very same person who defended Sasha when Jean still thought he— _everyone_ —had been betrayed by the Potato Girl. He recalls his thoughts during their conversation, about the heir to the Azumabito family taking Sasha's side because of the similarities with Eren's situation…accused and doubted by everyone despite all these years of comradeship. The very same person who made it clear to him that he needs to understand what's being said in these thirteen letters, otherwise the entire Survey Corps will sink. The very same person with whom Sasha shared a room for seven years, the two girls forming a friendship that lasted even when Eren's actions drove a wedge between them and they started disagreeing about what was the right thing to do.

The intro to the letter made it clear that Mikasa is the destined receiver, but still it's as if Sasha's addressing every single one of them about how they better not judge a soldier by their gender. An interesting addition, Jean thinks with a smile, considering that Sasha herself proved her abilities as a soldier over and over again…by graduating in the top ten of their cadet group, by being one of the few soldiers in history to defeat a Titan without her 3D Maneuver Gear, by surviving battle after battle and remaining loyal to the Recon Corps even in its darkest moments.

By forming a secret plan that benefits them all and goes against everything she had been taught in the Marley military.

It's intriguing how Sasha chose to reveal Mikasa's name by stating her unprecedented abilities, especially if compared to how she addressed Falco in the second letter by saying that a child and a person in general is so much more than their potential and everyone's expectations of them. But then again, Falco is a twelve-year-old misguided child whose character is only now being discovered, while Mikasa is a grown soldier with steady principles and loyalties and someone Sasha has been interacting with daily for almost a decade.

Jean focuses his attention back on the letter, but then another thought appears in his mind that makes him raise his head again…a thought relevant to his previous ones, something that has to do with the order Sasha picked for her letters and the meaning behind it.

 _If Mikasa is Number Ten…I am one of the last three letters?_

 _Sasha considered my role in her plan so important that she placed me in one of the final messages?_

It's something terrifying, something that contradicts some of his suspicions and confirms some others…and right now his whole face is burning; out of embarrassment, out of fear, out of shame for blaming her, he doesn't know and he forces himself to continue reading. Still, it's there, in the back of his mind, another thorn in this whirlwind of emotions, not leaving him alone as he goes on with Mikasa's letter.

 _To tell you the truth, girl, when I saw you during training I was terrified of you. Of how determined you were, of how you mastered everything as if you were a natural…of how you reflected a mysterious and intriguing power. And yet I couldn't shake the belief that, under the emotionlessness and the sarcasm, there was a normal girl with emotions and fears. And I believed that despite the warnings Marley had given me before my departure to watch out for 'the Asian clan demons, because they could eliminate us if they wanted.' Besides, your demeanor made me believe this is what I could have been, had I completed the mission Marley gave me…what I actually became for two years before the great change. But this is a story for another letter._

"Wait…what? What she actually became for two years before the great change?" Jean rereads this last line, lines of concentration being formed on his brow as he tries to imagine the Sasha he knew being emotionless and focused on her goal in the hostile environment of the Marley Espionage Unit. "For two years…which means from when she was ten years old until she left as a twelve-year-old for Paradis, right?"

It's the only plausible explanation and it confirms what she mentioned in Reiner's letter about what a quiet and scared little girl she was when she met him to coordinate their missions given to them by their Marleyan superiors. After all, Sasha's left hints throughout her letters that she had been planning some sort of defection ever since she first joined the military as an eight-year-old…but what if something happened that rendered her a younger version of Mikasa, cold and hiding her emotions?

 _Something that has to do with this mysterious receiver she was afraid of…Something that triggered her secret plan in the first place._

It would answer the question Jean still hasn't answered…the question about how a rebellious little girl like Sasha in Liberio, someone who tried to stay herself and not be brainwashed into an Eldian warrior, managed to be selected as a spy for a mission so crucial as the one to invade the walls and retrieve the Founding Titan while keeping an eye on the Reiss family and the survivors of the Ackerman clan. If, as Sasha said, she became closed in herself, the Marleyans would be more inclined to include her in such a dangerous mission.

Of course this raises questions about what this 'great change' can be about, since, apparently, it is directly connected to Sasha deciding to defect to Paradis and start forming her own plan at twelve years old. Taking her comment that it's for another letter into account, Jean wonders whether it's in the letter of the one she feared…or if it's in his own letter and that's why he needs to understand. Before this can be answered, though, he needs to proceed with the current letter and discover what exactly Sasha is saying to their irritable comrade.

He only hopes Potato Girl's advising Mikasa to stop obsessing over a suicidal bastard who's not respecting any of them anymore.

 _Maybe all this contributed to me seeing this other side of yours…after all, we shared the same dorm for seven whole years and you couldn't hide behind your mask forever even if you wanted to. I still remember our very first dorm, in the training barracks of the 104th Trainee Corps. A spacious room filled with bunk beds…in a different building from the boys' dormitories, of course. The two of us shared a dorm, together with Historia, Ymir, Annie, Mina and Hannah._

 _During the day we went to our various chores, trained, attended lessons about Titans and military strategies. During meal times we mingled, you were sitting with Eren and Armin, I was with Connie, Annie usually sat with various people, on her own or, later, with Reiner and Bertholdt, Historia and Ymir amongst themselves and Mina and Hannah with their respective friends (and Hannah with Franz, even though the lovebirds never openly admitted it). At nights, though, when curfew started and we were supposed to be asleep, that's when the real fun began._

 _Mikasa, do you remember how we stayed up until dawn and talked about nothing and everything? Of course, Mina, Hannah, Historia and I did most of the talking, with me narrating stories of my childhood and adapting them to sound as if I was indeed hailing from Dauper and not the enemy nation. We laughed and shared jokes, sang songs and chatted about our male comrades. And although Ymir called us a 'foolish flock of hens', although Annie rolled her eyes and threw snarky remarks between our narrations and although you kept telling us to shut up and go to sleep, I knew you liked it when the seven of us gathered in our room and forgot the fear and uncertainty that was surrounding us._

 _Because we weren't the tough soldiers then, just like I wasn't the supposed spy and traitor. We were simply seven normal girls. Seven girls…against the rest of the world. With our individual personalities, our quirks, our fears and our dreams for a future where we would be free._

Ah, yes, the carefree moments of the 104th Trainee Corps. The endless nights when they created havoc in their dorm room, talking to each other, sometimes sneaking out of the barracks for a late walk and, certainly, the occasional disagreements and fights which some good-hearted and kind souls like Marco and Armin always tried to diffuse. Compared to the darkness of the previous letter, where Sasha talked about Reiner's fragile state, it's something refreshing to read and it brings a smile upon the nineteen-year-old Scout's face.

It's beyond him, of course, how Sasha managed to have fun, joke, gossip and be kind after everything she faced during her training in Marley…everything that shaped her and even locked her emotions in her for two whole years. Instead of becoming ruthless, fearful and suspicious of everyone and everything, Sasha, from the very beginning, always saw the good in people and found joy in small moments with the other girls even in an environment as challenging as the one in Trost's barracks.

He remembers what Reiner told him, that Sasha in Paradis grasped the chance to become her true self without suppressing her memories or suffering the same fate as his. Even if her humor and kindness started as a defense mechanism after the difficulties in Liberio, it sure as hell didn't stay to that; even Mikasa's outburst proves that, how she scolded him for considering Sasha nothing more than a liar. And if that's the case…if Paradis gave her the escape she needed and the opportunity to be happy and optimistic, then who is he to doubt that? Besides, it seems that she always managed to find small moments of joy; after all, that's what she's narrating in Eren's letter about herself and her comrades in the Espionage Unit, how they sneaked in each other's dorms to tell horror stories and sing songs.

 _And then, one by one, the seven became two._

 _It started with Mina and Hannah, who died in the early phase of the Battle of Trost. The dorm didn't echo from their cheerful conversations anymore and, although Historia and I still talked at nights, their absence never truly faded…it's like they had stayed behind, like a curtain you leave open in an abandoned room._

 _Annie was next, choosing to enlist to the Military Police Brigade, while we went to the Scouts instead (ironically enough, the MPs was the regiment Marley ordered me to enlist as well). I missed her and her sassy comments, even her tendency to isolation that made her seem like a lone wolf, although I hoped that she was content with her choices, even if I knew exactly what it entailed. Her real absence, though, as you well know, Mikasa, came after the battle in Stohess, when she revealed herself as the Female Titan, fought against all of you and then chose to trap herself in a crystal to avoid interrogation. Everyone was furious at her, but I couldn't bear to be angry despite knowing what she had done. She was another misled and trapped child, even if she was the most determined one of all. She was brainwashed and corrupted and, at the crucial moment, it was the fear of revealing everything about Marley that made her enclose herself in this four-year-long sleep. I honestly wish you'll find a way to free her from her crystal. And I also hope that, should this moment ever come, she'll make the right decision and work together with you instead of once more siding with a country that has brought so much pain._

 _Then came Ymir's disappearance, when she joined Reiner and Bertholdt because of her own perspective for some sort of retribution. That absence struck us much harder, especially Historia, but I have to admit I often expected to hear her scolding at me and indirectly encouraging me to be myself. Later, when we found out about her death, the wound opened anew and this time I could go through the mourning process, since I now knew what had happened to her…and comfort myself that she had made this decision with a clear mind and without being influenced by anyone._

 _When Historia was crowned queen, we knew this would happen and so I was prepared for that. Still, when she moved to the royal residence in Mitras, it hurt. She was alive, she was well, but it was still an absence. And at the same time, I admit, I was afraid of how it would be to have an irritable and stubborn friend as my only roommate._

 _Like I said, though, I believe both of us adapted quickly to it. You still yelled at my untidiness, of course, and I continued joking about Eren and why you never opened up. Still, after these years, I truly think that you somehow managed to open up to me about what you are afraid of, even if it was quietly and not through some lengthy conversations. Besides, making sure I ate well, providing for extra blankets when I had a nightmare…this isn't something an emotionless person does. Hell, you even supported me when some new Survey Corps recruits made fun of me, even though I told you not to._

 _We had each other's backs, just like that. Naturally, like friends and sisters do._

 _Two girls against the rest of the world. The one with the skills and the one with the wits. I would joke and encourage you to lighten up the mood and you would inspire me to be a stronger and better soldier._

"Yeah, she inspired you to improve yourself, even with her pathetic oratory skills!" Jean scoffs, remembering only too well the speech Mikasa gave them during the battle of Trost that had only managed to scare them even further and yet shake them into action. Still, it's positive to keep in his mind that Sasha had a steady sisterly presence next to her even with all the other girls leaving one way or another, someone tough enough to help her find courage and yet someone she could inspire herself with her cheerfulness and her smiles.

* * *

 _An underground room in the military Headquarters in Trost, in the middle of the battle ensuing against the invading Titans and with a mysterious giant surprisingly taking down as many monsters as it can. Seven soldiers, the 'most capable ones' according to Armin, taking down the remaining Titans in the building, the ones preventing them from reaching the gas station to refill their Maneuver Gears. Mikasa, Jean, Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie have already eliminated the Titans closest to them, but one look is sufficient to realize that Sasha and Connie haven't sliced the napes of the two last Titans, their cuts too shallow to take them down._

 _"_ _Pardon me…" Sasha stutters, clearly overcome with shock and fear as she takes a few steps back, hazel eyes widened and her mouth forming a somewhat trembling smile, "for suddenly…stabbing you…from behind…"_

 _"_ _Oh shit!" Connie mumbles next to her, even more terrified than her, his own eyes focused on the Titans approaching without even bothering to step aside or run and take cover._

 _"_ _It's Sasha and Connie!" Bertholdt yells to alert everyone else that two of their comrades are in grave danger._

 _"_ _Hurry! Help them!" Jean adds urgently, a part of him wanting to run and pull the two terrible twins away from the attack, but he's on the other side of the room and there's no way he'll reach them on time…and why the hell aren't the two idiots running away, are they so paralyzed with fear?_

 _Sasha, at least, truly seems petrified from terror, continuing to look at the Titan with wide eyes. Only when the beast rushes forward to grab her does she wake from her trance, hastily falling to the side with a sob and a yell of "I'm…I'm really sorry!" Before Jean can wonder for how the hell she can apologize to a freaking Titan or reprimand her for being overwhelmed by shock, Mikasa and Annie intervene, attacking the two Titans with their Maneuver Gears so swiftly that they give the impression of two flashes of light that appear suddenly in the area; only the gas indicates that two people are at action right now._

 _"_ _Mikasaaaaaaaaa!" Sasha screams as she realizes that the black-haired top graduate just rescued her life, grabbing her friend's sleeves and pretty much clinging on her, almost as if she doesn't want to let go of her personal hero. "You saved me!"_

 _"_ _Are you hurt anywhere?" The other girl wants to know, her voice strict and her face expressionless, but a hint of well-hidden concern can be detected in her question; of course, these two and the other girls have been sharing a dorm for three years and they're all comrades in this battle that has thrown fifteen-year-olds right in the frontlines._

 _"_ _I'm safe, thanks to you!"_

 _"_ _Then stand! Now!" Mikasa practically orders the Potato Girl, impatiently and a little bit angrily now that she's been reassured that Sasha doesn't need medical assistance. Maybe it's also a wish to motivate the other one to continue fighting instead of contemplating her failure to kill a Titan like the plan commanded; whatever the reason, Sasha's sobs cease and she takes an almost guilty expression as she watches Mikasa walk away…as if she feels bad that her friend endangered herself because of her._

 _"_ _Come on, go and refill your gas and let's go see what that mysterious Titan's up to." Jean advises her, taking a gentler tone than he initially intended to, thinking that more scolding will scare Sasha further instead of help her to rejoin the battle. Seeing her so shocked, though, and doubting her abilities, makes him roll his eyes and he briefly pats the top of her head before calmly pushing her towards the part of the room where the gas is being stored. "Come on, go."_

 _"_ _O-Okay."_

* * *

It's a small memory, insignificant one would say compared to the hell that broke loose afterwards, but small moments and detailed memories are what often reveal one's true colors and make a difference. Mikasa, despite always remaining the expressionless and determined soldier everyone knows her as, is not as emotionless as someone might conclude upon first meeting her; she just never or rarely betrays her emotions through gentle words and worried questions…even if she is concerned about someone she'll use words harsh as steel to show it and then inspire said person not to give up.

An intriguing contrast with Sasha's kindness and willingness to always help everyone, Jean thinks now as he gets ready to continue with the letter, and maybe that's one of the many reasons the two girls always managed to find some sort of balance in their friendship, even through the bickering that sometimes took place between them.

 _I knew Marley would give their entire wealth to have an Ackerman by their side. And I knew that, one way or another, they would learn about your existence; one of the two last surviving members of the Ackerman clan (and even more powerful than that, at it proved later), one of the few people who were immune to the memory loss King Fritz imposed on humanity. Marley would learn about it—if not through my reports (which were never sent) then through the Warriors or even Zeke._

 _It's not that I don't trust your skills, but let me tell you, I'd make sure these bastards would never get their traitorous hands on you. Because you are my friend and we were the only girls after the others left…we could rely on each other. And after seeing your determination to eliminate all enemies, I decided I'd make sure I wouldn't turn on you._

 _Because the enemy was across the ocean and I wouldn't allow them to destroy you._

 _Back when the truth about the royal family and the memory loss of the people of Paradis was revealed, you talked to me about the importance of passing down stories to each other and to the next generation. You said it was crucial because of the evident need for change…because of humanity's birthright to remember its story and narrate it to others. You mentioned the fact that it's almost like passing a torch to each other, making sure its flame never dies._

 _These words gave me the idea about the letters._

"Passing a torch…" Jean repeats these specific words, which sound oddly familiar, and suddenly he remembers where he read them for the first time. "That was her second rule, back when she explained the details in that very first letter. To pass on the message…or the torch."

And the reasons why Mikasa ended up on Sasha's list, as well as her exact role in Sasha's plan, is being cleared right in front of the Commanding Officer's eyes. Mikasa's friendship and the fact that they stuck together helped Sasha in her everyday life and inspired her to improve her skills…but Mikasa, unintentionally, also gave Sasha the idea about how to pass her own message when the time would come. From her fifteen years already, Sasha decided upon writing letters she would pass on upon her inevitable demise.

 _Had she figured out the number and order as well, though? Or did she simply keep the idea about the letters in mind and waited until the right moment to decide that she would write thirteen letters with a specific order? And which was the right moment, anyway? When the volunteers came? When Eren left for Marley? When Hanji told us the time had come for us to go to Liberio?_

In any case, it seems that he was right in his suspicions that Sasha tried to protect Mikasa and Levi from Marley, just like she protected Historia and her unborn child. Since she feared that they would learn everything anyway, at least she didn't want to make it even easier for them. And since, as all evidence shows, one of the receivers is someone influential and dangerous residing in Marley and probably plotting against them right now together with the other nations, Jean can fully understand Sasha's wish to keep Mikasa's identity and origins concealed for as long as possible.

Hell, she doesn't even mention directly that Mikasa is the last surviving heir of the royal clan of the Eastern nation…she simply says that there is more power in her than simply her Ackerman powers.

 _All these attempts to keep everyone safe…and I dumbass doubted her at the beginning and considered her a liar…Seems that Mikasa and Hanji were right. My hurt ego and my anger that Sasha didn't open up to me made me think so irrationally._

Before succumbing to his guilt, get lost in more memories or even start crying—because he's very close to do so, out of sadness and out of admiration for the lost Potato Girl—Jean quickly takes the eleventh envelope out of the box.

* * *

 **A/N: So, my lovelies, another chapter has come to an end. Stay tuned, because things continue to brew in the next chapter...and after that, it gets only crazier, hehehe. Love you all! :)**


	20. Of constant vigilance and night visitors

**A/N: Hiiii, everyone! Happy New Year to all of you! :) After a period of writer's block, this story is BACK! :D Truth is, the newest manga chapter gave me some major inspiration (including major inspiration to shout abuse at that jerk Floch, who SERIOUSLY needs a punch on his smug face) and, by the way, I NEED someone to talk about this chapter, so feel free to PM me ;)**

 **ResistingFate: Oh, very interesting connection you've made with the Curse of Ymir! I didn't think about it, the number 13 was due to the series, but in-universe it could be an excellent reference, nice thinking there! And I believe that your assumptions on who Jean could protect will be answered before the end of the story! ;)**

 **Labloom: Awwww, thank you soo much, it makes me so happy you like this fanfiction that much! :D I really hope you will enjoy reading this chapter too.**

 **Guest 1: Thank you so much for the lovely review! :D I hope the eleventh letter will live up to your expectations! ;)**

 **Guest 2: Glad you liked Mikasa's letter and the general idea! :) Hope you will like the next chapter too!**

 **This story contains SPOILERS for the Attack on Titan manga and especially the Marley arc and the final arc (which finally has its own name, War for Paradis, totally fitting to the mess that's happening). It also contains major FEELS, so be warned!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ TV series, which inspired this fic.**

* * *

"He did what?"

"Shut up, someone's gonna hear you!"

"He did _what_?"

"Can it!"

"He. Did. What?"

"No matter how many times you ask, facts won't change, so will you stop acting all hysterical?"

"Oh, yeah, of course, I should be freaking happy that a major part of our plan just got destroyed before it even started."

"As entertaining as it is to watch Yelena lose it," a third voice interrupts the quarreling between the two soldiers, "will you both stop it? Someone _will_ hear us otherwise."

"Oh, you haven't seen me _losing it_ yet, Forster!"

Silence falls into the small, yet occupied room, broken only by angry puffs, desperate sighs and awkward coughing, the four people working together occasionally throwing accusatory glances towards each other. Yelena, who has lost her usually composed stance, is walking up and down, fuming, her face marked by an expression Floch dares to interpret as paranoid and furious.

Said auburn-haired Scout, on the other hand, is leaning against the locked wooden door, with his arms crossed in front of his chest as if he wants to protect himself from Yelena's anger, and looking extremely bored, but the worried way with which he looks from Yelena to the door and vice versa betrays his fear that they will get caught talking without being able to explain their intentions.

At the same time, Nicolo, who's the only one who hasn't said a word for a while, is occupying the spot in front of the window, eyes stubbornly locked on the scenery outside, the training fields, now covered in darkness, and one of the narrow paths that leads to the ocean shore; his coughs and sighs show how uncomfortable and guilty he feels for being here and betraying those who accepted him in their group…and, by extension, even Sasha herself.

Meanwhile, Lukas sits on one of the two beds in the room, eyes travelling from one Scout to the other, his face marked with a frustrated expression that shows his disdain not only at the current situation, but also at the other people currently present. To think that, from an influential member of the Garrisons, he's ended up working together with this bunch of reckless rebels…that a _nineteen-year-old_ had the audacity to treat him like a worthless subordinate and imply he's not in the position to judge said nineteen-year-old's former friendship with their traitorous Titan Shifter prisoner…

"Hey, try to relax, Lukas, you're ready to murder someone." Floch comments with a snicker, ignoring the furious glare Yelena throws at both men, the woman from Marley clearly tired with their childish bickering. "I know you must be feeling sour right now, but the world doesn't evolve around you, so why don't you—"

"Leave it, Floch!"

"You just got outsmarted by Kirstein, Lukas, so you don't have any right to speak!" The only woman of the four intervenes, placing her hands on her hips and staring at every one of them with that dangerous and even crazy spark in her eyes that gives Nicolo the impression that she's reading their deepest and darkest thoughts. "You idiots just cut off all access to Reiner…because don't think for a second that Jean's gonna ignore what happened! You good-for-nothing imbeciles!"

"Hey, will you stop with the insults, already? Lukas just revealed himself, why are _we_ at fault?" Nicolo speaks up for the first time since the conversation started, pointing at himself and then at Floch, Yelena's bossy attitude now really getting on his nerves. "Besides, you said that Reiner will also go to Sina with the others for the trials, so maybe you'll get your chance there."

"Unless they'll be even more careful when we arrive in Sina now that they known Reiner's our target." Floch makes another point, not without a snarl towards Lukas, whom he still considers the one responsible for the extra problem that's threatening their cause at the moment.

"Well, there's nothing we can do, right? Or do you wanna cause more suspicions?"

"And what else could you do?" Lukas adds to Nicolo's question, his gaze fixed with disdain on the other Scout. "Kill all the guards and sneak Reiner and Eren out of here? Or find a way to send Kirstein away?"

"Don't give me any ideas, Altenbach, because that starts to seem like the best solution! Maybe send him for some extra dangerous mission in Marley…or maybe even something more effective, I don't know, make everyone think he wasn't in his right mind after Sasha's death, that he lost it and harmed himself…"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Floch, 'cause I know you _didn't_ just say what I thought you just said." Yelena interrupts the boy's whispered rambling, staring at him with something that reminds the others of horror; and to see the usually determined Yelena so horrified says a lot about their current conversation.

Lukas challenges Floch to do what he has in mind, mentioning that no one will believe his cover story, since he is their greatest suspect behind everything that's going on in the Headquarters and even the regions inside the walls. Floch is fuming, everyone present can see that, but noticing that his dark plans aren't met with approval, he quickly abandons all comments about silencing Jean one way or another and returns back to his previous, angry outbursts about how the Commanding Officer is getting on his nerves and how he's ruined everything by visiting Reiner tonight.

"Give the guy a break, will you? He's in freaking mourning!" Nicolo tries to maintain some sort of balance amongst these three crazies, even though he knows that he'll be at the receiving end of everyone's despise because of that. "And after Marley, it's normal for everyone to be on standby."

"He's not sad, you idiot!" Yelena now turns her accusations and insults towards him, her expression marking how exhausted she is due to the cook's good-natured demeanor. "Walking around? Asking about Sasha? Visiting Reiner, a man whose cousin killed the girl he loved? He's not in mourning, he's seeking revenge!"

"Revenge against who, you suspicious madwoman? Marley? The two brats? Or Floch and anyone else he believes is hiding some secret? Because if that's the case, then Floch and Lukas here need to get the hell away from HQ!"

"And how about you, Nicolo? Will you stay here, pretending to be his friend and watching his actions? Or do you simply want to stay away from the restaurant and out of the plan? I only wonder how Grior will react at the news that you've…softened."

 _Ah, and here comes the blackmail; why am I not surprised?_ The Marleyan mentally scoffs, his own bitterness being reflected into his thoughts and his lack of any empathy towards those he's working with startling even himself. Once again, he is genuinely surprised by how easy it is for the other three in the room to stoop down to so dark levels, talking about a deceased girl like they care nothing about her, conspiring to achieve their mysterious plan and leaving him in the dark, throwing only breadcrumbs at him concerning what he needs to know and mostly in regards to the restaurant and how Grior is coming along with the aforementioned plan.

Nicolo wonders, maybe for the hundredth time since he got entrapped in this vicious circle, whether he's being used as a pawn specifically because of the restaurants he's opened, one near the Headquarters and one in Trost. He knows there's something else going on, something bigger and way darker than Yelena implies; after all, these persistent questions about the craters of wine bottles being transferred between the districts and if they're being served to the 'appropriate people' can't be coincidental.

Something is at work here…something he's participating in without his full knowledge or even consent about the role the others imposed on him regarding their plan. Something crucial, which is probably why Yelena and Floch are trying to break his nerves by talking so indifferently about Sasha or threatening to expose his hesitation and cautiousness to Grior, who's way more devoted to whatever cause the restaurant is serving.

 _How would Sasha react if she were here? If she knew? Would she understand or would she hate me?_

And this is a question that's probably hurting the cook even more than the uncertainty of what he's gotten himself into and if he's a pawn. He can't prevent himself from suspecting that Sasha, despite the kindness and compassion of hers that drew him to her, would be extremely disappointed in him due to everything he's doing behind the Scouts' backs. Hell, Nicolo can't prevent himself from feeling that right now, with things going their way in the restaurant and with the current conversation he's having, he's betraying the trust Sasha showed him immediately despite his hailing from the enemy nation.

And a part of him wishes he could send Yelena, Floch and Lukas to hell and go talk to someone about everything he knows—to Commander Hanji, maybe, or Jean and Connie…especially given the interest the other three show towards Jean's actions these days, as if the Commanding Officer has become a serious threat for them. But he doesn't have that courage. He's a coward. He knows he's too weak to ever come clean with everything and so he simply sighs as a sign that he'll go on with his part of the plan.

"At least I'm not the one who suggested freaking _murder_ a few minutes ago!" Is his only comment, directed at Floch, and he smirks at the sign of the Scout losing his previous smug expression. "And how would your precious Eren react if he knew that you're planning to use Sasha's death to turn the people of Paradis against the Recon Corps? Something tells me he wouldn't like that very much…a death of a dear friend _and_ taking action behind his back?"

"It's for the sake of the plan. There's no room for sentiment, Nicolo, remember that." Lukas interferes whle rolling his eyes, wanting to stop another quarrel from taking place. "Besides, I think _you_ should be the one to leave for the walls, since Kirstein suspects the rest of us but not you."

"For once I agree with Altenbach; if we leave, we'll be confirming whatever Jean thinks he knows." Yelena nods approvingly. "So, Nicolo, this is up to you. Be a friend to him. Tell him how sorry you are that you have to go inspect your restaurant instead of helping everyone with Sasha's loss. And in two days you're leaving for Trost."

* * *

"So, starting with the basics. Lukas Altenbach, thirty-two years old. Born in Krolva District to Ernst and Dorothea Altenbach, joined the Trainee Corps at age twelve and very quickly excelled as a cadet, especially in everything concerning hand-to-hand combat and tasks demanding high intelligence. On the other hand, he always had trouble in teamwork. His assessment by the Commandant describes him as someone with a tendency to impose his own opinion and quite unwilling to listen to what his teammates suggested."

"Should be a perfectly clear sign for what he'd become in the future." Levi states as he listens to Hanji narrowing down the known facts about the newest member in the conspiracy brewing in the Recon Corps Headquarters at the moment. "Not the ideal Squad Leader material, if you ask me…then again, compared to the useless idiots of the Garrisons, he might have even given the impression of being some kind of great leader."

"That's exactly what happened. Despite graduating as the second-best in his Cadet Corps and having the potential of a very promising career in the Military Police, Lukas chose to enlist to the Garrison Squad, surprising a great number of superiors and comrades alike." The female Commander confirms her friend's statement, a faint, amused smile creeping up her face at his last comment before disappearing again. "His prowess in combat and strategic planning only increased in the Garrisons and he was appointed Squad Leader at age eighteen, the first one in his year of graduates and one of the youngest in the Garrisons' history…explaining his arrogance towards our young recruits and his contempt at those who are younger and yet higher-ranking than he is."

"Yes, but that didn't improve his teamwork." Levi sighs while inspecting another scroll, this one containing various reports about Lukas's activity in his previous regiment. "He treated his squad members with a demanding attitude and didn't accept their opinions, believing he was always in the right and wanting respect and absolute obedience from them…some even describe him as 'a Squad Leader that leads with an iron fist'. Rumor had it that his greatest ambition was to one day succeed Pixis as Commander of the Garrisons…wouldn't put it past this traitor, he seems to go wherever he'll gain more benefit."

"I can't disagree with you on that. After all, why else would he leave the Garrison and his squad and transfer to the Scouts at a period of time when the Scouts were in the middle of all political and strategic developments? He clearly saw where the wind blew and chose to join us for more influence…while using his contacts in the Garrison against us for the sake of the plan set in motion."

"Hanji, we should send word to Pixis and warn him about Lukas's suspicious actions here." Levi suggests calmly and only his knuckles turning white as he clasps his hands together betray the tension he is experiencing at the moment; and he can tell that his old friend is not faring any better. "He should keep an eye on him if he makes another journey in the walls these days and thanks to Jean and Connie's observations, we are now aware of dark deeds that are at work."

"Will do; if Lukas is using his contacts in Wall Rose, then we should start having informants of our own; and I will alert Hitch Dreyse in Wall Sina as well." Hanji sighs and briefly takes off her glasses to tiredly rub her healthy eye. "Do you think Jean's suspicions are right? That, among everything else, they are using Sasha's death and the Warriors' imprisonment to turn everyone against the Recon Corps?"

"The order wouldn't come from the brat, no. Despite his suicidal stupidity, he wouldn't disrespect a deceased friend like that. Can't say the same for the others, though…they weren't as close with Sasha and, if it helped their purpose, it wouldn't surprise me if they proceeded with this." The Captain replies with a scowl, recalling the witty and gluttonous young woman who was his subordinate, the fate she met, the trust she placed in him through her letter and all the issues that are open at the moment. "But we agreed that, this time, things aren't in our hands. We made the choice we would regret less and we decided not to take this choice back."

He spends several moments in silence, contemplating about everything that has happened, both during the month following Sasha's demise and what during these four years, ever since the Survey Corps took Eren under their protection and supervision. Levi remembers this trial as if it were yesterday; Eren's determined look, how he lost his cool when the Military Police and the Order of the Walls threatened Mikasa, and how he himself had to beat the Titan Shifter to a pulp. A reckless brat, but willing to free humanity and stand beside his friends.

Now, though…

"At least, the order wouldn't come from the _old_ brat." The Captain corrects himself afterwards, in his trademark, blank voice that betrays no emotion to an outsider, but to someone who knows him well, like Hanji, the disappointment in his tone is more than evident, just like it is in the way he avoids her gaze. "Who can tell with the new one, though? The new one wouldn't hesitate to obliterate the entire population beyond the ocean, including million innocent bystanders, if it meant to free Eldia. And with fanatic supporters like Foster by his side…"

He doesn't say it out loud, but years of building trust and friendship between him and the current Commander of the Recon Corps allow them to understand the unspoken words and thoughts that hang in the air, unnecessary to be discussed. They are both thinking about Erwin right now; their lost Commander and friend who gave up his dream and died with the rest of the recruits in Shiganshina…the demon, as many called him and sometimes still do…the master of gambling who led everything and everyone to the famous coup d'état that is still mentioned in various circles.

These conditions right now, with the imprisoned Marley Warriors, with thirteen letters, with a plan among Eren's supporters that will most likely divide the entire island and with the outcome of said letters depending on one man alone, would provide Erwin with the ideal circumstances to make another one of his huge gambles, risking everything to blow up and yet not leaving anything to pure luck. Both Hanji and Levi know that it is senseless to think about alternative scenarios, but it is overwhelming how their friend's absence hangs between them now that each step forward could easily be a step that will bring utter destruction.

"Alright, let's hear it." Levi breaks the silence once more, after watching Hanji fidgeting in her seat and picking up various parchments from her desks without reading through them. "What else are you nervous about?"

"I'm receiving the weekly report about Kaya from the orphanage tomorrow."

Kaya. Another thorn that only adds to the sorrow Sasha's loss brought to everyone in the regiment. The little girl the young Scout saved from a Titan only four years ago with no 3D Maneuver Gear, only with the help of a sharp mind, a bow and some arrows. The girl Historia had welcomed with open arms in the orphanage she established after becoming Queen. The girl who is now fourteen years old and who never stopped talking with respect and admiration about Sasha, whom she considered an older sister.

The girl who broke down when she learned the news about how her big sister got killed after the end of the battle.

"It's been very difficult for her. The caretakers at the orphanage tell me that she has isolated herself from the other children, only talking to one or two of them." Hanji elaborates and now it's her who is avoiding Levi's gaze. "And the last report stated that she was found crying on her own several times, refusing to talk to anyone about her emotions and even becoming aggressive when they tried to comfort her.

"I was thinking of even asking them to bring her here for a while, to be with people who knew and loved Sasha and could help her through everything. Maybe sharing memories with the rest of the 104th would bring her some comfort. But now…"

The female Commander doesn't have to complete her sentence for Levi to get the message. The way things are at Headquarters right now not only provide an unhealthy environment for Kaya in her state, but her presence here would also give Eren's supporters another addition that would be used against them and against Kaya herself. An emotionally devastated teenager would be extremely easy to fall victim to whatever manipulation she would go through by Yelena, Floch, Lukas and anyone else. They would play with her tender age, with her fragile mind, with her own emotions, and would subdue her to brainwashing that would rival the one of the Eldian children in the Marley military. They would turn an innocent and mourning girl into another weapon, using her grief to fuel her wish for revenge.

And no matter how much out of their hands this mess is, they will do anything in their power to stop this from happening.

"Speaking of grieving and distraught ones…" Hanji leaves a sigh that seems to come from the depths of her soul, a sigh betraying her confusion, her qualms and her tiredness, "I hope you are not planning to go to sleep, Captain. For I believe that tonight we will be needed."

* * *

 _Dusk is falling slowly over the training barracks, yet faster than Jean would have wanted. Unless it is the dread of what is to come that makes time flow more swiftly than usual? To someone who doesn't know well, he might appear as perfectly composed, indifferent even, with an air of certainty in his steps as he approaches Sasha, Connie, Armin and Annie, who are leaning against a wall. And yet those who_ do _know him well can easily see the slight trembling of his hands, his chest that rapidly moves up and down in an attempt to control his breathing, the frantic movement of his eyelids._

 _He passes various familiar faces as he makes way through the crowd of the fearful and nervous recruits who wait for the order to assemble, the order that will mark the start of the choosing ceremony. Reiner, Ymir, Bertholdt and Krista are amongst them, the latter two crouching on the ground and the blond girl even hugging herself, both of them appearing younger than their age, scared and insecure about what's going to happen. Reiner and Ymir on the other hand, who are the ones of the group standing, seem to be towering protectively over them, with Reiner having crossed his arms and Ymir looking around in exasperation as if she is wondering when the hell they will begin._

 _And yet the courtyard seems so empty compared to how it was once filled with the hundreds young soldiers that consisted the 104th. So many of them are missing, so many absences, marking the losses they have suffered during the battle in Trost. Marco's passing isn't the only one plaguing Jean's mind at the moment, although it's clearly the most intense one, the memory of how he discovered his best friend's body still haunting him and not allowing him to rest at night. But there are so many others…there's Mylius, Thomas, Nac and Mina…there's Hannah and Franz….there's the soldiers who died while Jean led them to the HQ…and all the other fighters who died in battle at the hands of the giant beasts that will likely be the cause for Jean's own demise considering his regiment of choice._

 _"_ _Jean…" Armin exclaims as he nears the small group, his voice alerting the other three about his presence. "You're really joining the Recon Corps?"_

 _"_ _Yeah." Jean replies with no hesitation, the tone of his voice sharp and clear; dread or not, he took this decision and he's not planning to go back on it._

 _"_ _Why the sudden choice?" Sasha wants to know, looking at him with a gaze that combines fear and confusion, as if it genuinely is in her interest to find out more about his way of thinking. "I mean…aren't you scared?" She concludes more softly, like she believes it's not proper to ask something like that…or like her own fear doesn't allow her to make a solid choice about which military branch to enlist to._

 _"_ _Huh? Of course I don't want to join the Recon Corps."_

 _In all honesty, Jean doesn't mean to snap at the Potato Girl like that; gone are the days when he used to call her all sorts of names and yell at her for no particular reason. Their relationship has improved remarkably after their cooking competition, their arguments and the hurting insults having slowly being replaced by jokes and teasing bickering. Today, though, of all days, tensions run high in the Trainee Corps and everyone can feel it: no one can control their terror and their nerves, and, judging from Sasha's subtle nod towards him, Jean understands that she's not offended by his raised voice._

 _"_ _Th—Then why…"_

 _"_ _It's not that the Titans don't scare me anymore either." Jean completes Connie's question without the need for the other boy to finish it. He tries his best to return his voice to its previous calm and steady tone, knowing that his friends need a valid explanation from his side instead of him snapping and losing his temper, since this will do none of them good. "And I won't spout nonsense like, 'The best belong in the Recon Corps'."_

 _Jean may never understand why the others trust his opinion like that, and he sure as hell doesn't want to drive them towards one decision or other. But then Marco's voice echoes in his head once more, the same voice that guided him the night they burnt the bodies of the fallen…the same comment he received after he led everyone to safety._

 _You aren't a strong person, Jean. So you can relate to the feelings of the weak. What's more, you excel at sizing up any situation. Isn't that why you already know what needs to be done?_

 _"_ _I'm not as eager to die as some are," he continues and everyone can detect the blunt honesty that always marked his words; Jean doesn't sugarcoat, doesn't encourage with mighty pep talks, and that is something his friends would even call it refreshing and powerful compared to their superiors' big words and false hopes._

 _"_ _You mean Eren? He's already joined the Recon Corps."_

 _"_ _Trainees! Line up! Line up in front of the stage!" One of the Squad Leaders announces, startling all the recruits, who then start doing as they are told, even though the group of four lingers behind, wanting to complete their conversation before the greatest decision of their lives._

 _"_ _I'm not risking my life because someone convinced me. This is a job you can't do unless you decide for yourself." Jean concludes and turns to hide, but a shriek coming from Sasha makes him turn towards them again. "What more, Potato Girl?"_

 _Sasha doesn't answer him at once, spending several seconds thinking her words carefully; something totally new for the usually spontaneous and loud-mouthed Sasha everyone knows. Connie and Armin are staring at her, eager to hear what she has to say after Jean's advice; and even though Annie keeps her face neutral, the way she has straightened her shoulders is a sign for her own peaked curiosity. Jean, on the other hand, can't help but appreciate how the girl is for once filtering her words instead of babbling some nonsense; she looks more mature than she has ever looked right now._

 _But when she speaks, her steady voice can easily rival his._

 _"_ _You're much braver than you think, Jean, you know that?"_

 _"_ _Huh? What the hell are you talking about? Where's the bravery in being scared out of your mind?"_

 _At Jean's exasperated questions, Sasha actually has the nerve to leave a gentle chuckle, as if she expected this reaction, before quickly controlling herself again. Her gaze is quite unusual as it's directed towards him: it's soft, yet there's a gleam of pride in her hazel eyes, and something else, something even more unusual, something that petrifies Jean…it's a wild and desperate determination, as if she has finally reached a conclusion she has been battling with for a long time…as if she has found her purpose._

 _Surely she's not thinking about joining too? Jean thinks with horror; horror for her life and horror that it's him who influenced her to make that choice. She doesn't have to give her life up too, she deserves the safety of the MPs, she would have a good life there!_

 _But he can't stop her if that's what she decided. Not when he just said that joining the Scouts is something everyone needs to decide for themselves. He's not a damn hypocrite, Sasha has every right to join the Recon Corps if that's her personal choice, but that doesn't mean he's ready to see more friends risk their lives alongside him._

 _"_ _Because you_ know _you're scared out of your mind," she elaborates. "You_ admit _you're scared out of your mind. And despite this fear—or_ because _of it, I don't know—you still chose the Scouts with no words that are fake to you."_

 _And with a small smile, without even waiting for an answer, she pats Connie on the shoulder and turns to make her way towards the stage, where most recruits have already gathered._

 _"_ _Sasha!" Jean calls for her without even thinking, without even knowing what to tell her. There's a seriousness in his voice, and a gratitude, but whatever he has in mind to tell her is stuck in his throat and he finds himself unable to speak or even breathe properly._

 _"_ _Come on, guys. No time to delay the inevitable. Let's go line up."_

* * *

 _Is that what affected her?_

 _At that final moment before the choosing ceremony, is that what gave her the boost she needed to fully decide to disobey Marley's orders and enlist to the Scouts instead of the MPs?_

 _She had so much faith that I am not the coward I believe to be…then why am I so hesitant to continue?_

Something about his talk with Reiner and reading Mikasa's letter changed the dynamics. The scolding Jean received from the holder of the Armored Titan about why he would give value to Eren's words can't stop repeating itself in his head, since the comment about not being as noble as Sasha claimed, together with Hanji's suggestion he go to her and Levi when the time for his letter comes, has made him question what is said in his own letter. Reiner may be the enemy, but Jean can't forget that he's also a former comrade; not to mention that his attitude wasn't that hostile after the assurance that Gabi and Falco are not being tortured in the Military Police Headquarters.

And now there are only three letters left.

The top three letters, the three receivers most important to Sasha and her plan.

Him being one of them.

With a sigh that almost sounds resigned, Jean opens the envelope with the number **_11_** on it, which seems somehow thicker than the previous ones. And once he drops its contents on his desk, he fully understands why. Because this understanding creates complications that don't leave him much room for misinterpretation.

Because the eleventh envelope doesn't only contain the necessary letter, but also a small brass key.

Its end is not as complicated designed as the one Eren possessed; it's only a circle and reminds Jean of the keys they have to their rooms and their offices. But this key seems so much heavier to him because of the implications and ghosts of past warnings start flooding his mind.

 _You need to understand…_

 _You are the key to everything…_

Before he even realizes what he is doing, he puts the letter and the key back in the envelope, locks the box with the other letters in a drawer and rushes out of his room.

* * *

When Hanji opens the door, frightened by the panicked knocking, and sees Jean in front of her, frazzled, barely breathing, with knots of sweat forming on his forehead, she understands immediately that her instinctive prediction was correct. She shares a look with Levi, who nods at her in silent agreement, before turning back towards the nineteen-year-old Commanding Officer, her expression full of the compassion she knows he will need tonight.

Jean knows he doesn't have to say anything, but he says it nonetheless to try and accept it himself.

"I've reached my letter!"

* * *

 **A/N: DUN DUN DUUUUUN! Here we go, guys, we reached the peak of the letters and I am soooo sorry for the cliffhanger! Hope you liked this chapter and the next one should be up this weekend! :)**


	21. The one who got away

**A/N: Okay, first of all, I am so sorry for delaying this chapter so much! It wasn't out of writer's block this time, but because it was one of the most emotionally difficult chapters for me to write EVER! :P Second of all, I have no idea how I managed to end up with a chapter of ten thousand words, so I hope you put up with me and enjoy the chapter :) Third and most important, I really, really hope you guys are all safe and healthy and that you found creative ways to pass time during the quarantine.  
**

 **As always, here is a list of the letters we have currently read as a reminder:**

 **Letter One: Sasha's parents**

 **Letter Two: Falco**

 **Letter Three: Zeke**

 **Letter Four: Historia**

 **Letter Five: Ymir**

 **Letter Six: Hanji**

 **Letter Seven: Levi**

 **Letter Eight: Eren**

 **Letter Nine: Reiner**

 **Letter Ten: Mikasa**

 **ResistingFate: Thank you so much, I always enjoy reading your reviews on every individual chapter :) Isayama definitely went from mellow to intense in a few chapters' time, Chapters 125, 126 and 127 easily became my favorite chapters of the last arc, and Chapter 128 was INSANE! :D Oh, Nicolo definitely needs lots of pep talks, and I feel very sorry for Kaya, at least she has found a friend in the manga. I figured to put her in Historia's orphanage in this fic, since Sasha's parents are in Marley. Hope you enjoy the new chapter too! :)**

 **pinkpaladin: Awwww, thank you soooo much! Yep, we've reached the crucial letter ;) I really hope you will like this one too.**

 **RandomGuestHere: Thank you so much for your review, I'm glad you enjoy the story and thank you for saying you like my writing :) I'm afraid we won't learn yet what the key is about, but we'll get there ;)  
**

 **This fanfic contains SPOILERS about the Marley arc of the Attack on Titan manga, so be warned. Also, I have to warn you for major, MAJOR FEELS!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the _13 Reasons Why_ series, which inspired this story.**

* * *

Hanji Zoe has seen countless panicked people in her years as member of the Survey Corps, especially after becoming Squad Leader and even more so after becoming the Commander. She has seen experienced soldiers, with amazing records in fighting and killing Titans, losing their composure and burst out crying at the sight of dead comrades and friends.

She has seen Squad Leaders with remarkable leading qualities losing all hope and throwing screaming fits at their closest assistants, considering themselves useless and inadequate to help the regiment and humanity in finding out anything more about Titans.

She has seen generations of new recruits, with determined gleams in their eyes, and yet so fearful, especially during their first day. She has seen their friends holding them during their panic attacks, unable to offer any words of consolation, as they confront the overwhelming terror of perishing not too long after their enlistment in the Scout Regiment.

She has seen hundreds, thousands of bystanders as she passed them by after returning from an expedition. She has witnessed the grief of so many parents, spouses, siblings, sons and daughters, friends, who cried over their loved ones that died in battle. She has heard their accusations, that the Scouts are nothing more than a bunch of reckless tax-wasters who lead huge numbers of good people to their deaths in a pointless fight against the Titans.

And yet now, at this moment, after helping Jean to a seat and sitting down behind her desk, while closely watching her younger subordinate, she feels that his panic, she can not handle, mostly because she knows there is nothing she can do or say that will alleviate the young man's anguish. Since he has reached his letter, Hanji knows that the only thing she and Levi _can_ do is listen to his trail of thoughts as he reads and guide him through the turmoil of emotions he will definitely go through after he is finished. Because right now he is not the Commanding Officer who leads everyone effectively and strategically…he is not even a soldier. Right now he is only a boy; a vulnerable and confused boy who has lost someone very important to him and is about to learn just what he meant to her as well.

And beside the emotional part, which is surely the hardest, there is also the practical matter of the brass key Jean's envelope includes, the key he now holds in his hands, examining it from all sides as if it can give him some answers before he starts with his letter. The key that has travelled from one receiver to the other, changing ten different hands, only to land to its rightful owner, the one who will decide the outcome of everything even if he has no idea what assignment Sasha gave him before her death. The very root behind Zeke's restlessness and his urgent message, according to Levi, that Jean needs to be under close supervision so he won't interfere with the Beast Titan's own plan.

"Jean…" Hanji whispers gently, so she won't startle him further, but still making it clear that he needs to proceed. It's late at night and they won't be disturbed, but with their opponents moving so fast, it would help all of them, and Jean himself even more, if he starts reading as soon as possible. "We are here." She states, pointing between her and Levi, whose steel gaze is focused on the boy, his expression combining impatience and concern.

 _We are here…for some reason, that's only scaring me more. If Sasha claims I am noble, like Eren says…and if this key is why everyone believes I need to understand…is this the reason they told me to come here? Or has it to do with everything I'll read?_

 _God, I was disappointed when the sixth letter turned out to be Hanji's and not mine…and now that I_ have _my letter in my hands…I can't even read it._

Jean can't even notice his surroundings right now. The thick curtains that prevent the moonlight from entering the spacious room that is the Commander's office, the shelves with the books, maps and parchments, the wooden floor that's creaking slightly under his feet, the feeling of the cold metal in his hands, the key that made him realize that the time for his letter has come…all this is insignificant, mundane, almost an illusion given the fog that's clouding his mind at this precise moment. Hell, he can't even acknowledge his superiors' presence at his side; Levi's silent and concerned impatience or Hanji's worried compassion don't do anything to ease his troubled thoughts.

Sasha's voice is quiet in his head, no snarky comments or gentle advice echoing in his mind. It's like something in his subconscious has suppressed this voice because of his letter, as he has no doubt that he'll be flooded with memories about the lost Potato Girl while reading about his role in her plan.

He wonders…will she explain to him why everyone depends on his decisions so much? Would she take the risk so bluntly, since this letter has been already read by Zeke and Eren? Judging from the key in his hand, there are still mysteries he needs to unfold, and Sasha, who concealed Mikasa's origins and Historia's pregnancy, surely was smart enough not to reveal his own role in a direct way.

But he also wonders what memories of him she will share…which of their interactions all these seven years inspired her to include him in her list and trust him with this unknown burden.

That stormy day at the ocean…The sign that should ring him a bell, yet a sign he ignored back then.

"Jean…" Hanji's soothing voice barely reaches him through the fog, yet it does the job for now; an assurance and, at the same time, a kind urgency that makes him nod, leave the key aside and open the envelope with trembling hands. A deep breath; a mental order to himself to stop acting like a coward and proceed…and he starts reading, now aware of the others' persistent gazes towards him, ready to face his reactions.

 _There's a saying the older women mentioned in my neighborhood in Liberio. That love goes through the stomach and that the best way to someone's heart is through good food._

 _I'm not sure if love goes through the stomach (although I wouldn't say no to good food), but I know for sure that a strong connection between two people can be established through something as innocent and playful as a cook-off._

"The cook-off? Out of all possible ways to start she chose to mention the cook-off?" Jean exclaims and, compared to the emotional mess he's dealing with inside, the loud tone of his voice surprises even him.

"You know, Jean, word about this cooking competition spread rapidly back then." Hanji tells him, her tone maintaining its previous calmness, but the woman believes that adding her own perspective will help Jean and maybe cease the tempest that's going on in his mind.

"That drunk old fool, Pixis, settling a childish bickering through cooking." Levi shakes his head, as if he still can't comprehend how the leader of the Garrisons acted. "And Erwin, Mike, Eld and Gunther had the nerve to say they'd pay good money to see his antics personally."

"To be honest, I would too, Levi."

"You don't count, Four-Eyes, you're insane as it is!"

The banter between Captain and Commander brings a small smile on Jean's face; at least these two haven't abandoned their usual ways of communication even if they're way more serious this period of time. But Levi's words makes him return to that afternoon…and yes, their behavior _was_ quite childish, him blaming Sasha and Connie for taking down _his_ targets and him also wanting to hit—actually freaking _hit_ —the Potato Girl. Not to mention how they had turned a cook-off into a personal challenge...both of them wanting to prove a point to the other.

And yet Sasha starts her letter towards him quite fondly, even mentioning the old saying about how love goes through the stomach; Jean even asks himself if it's deliberate, given how often he joked about her love for food. She even describes the cook-off as 'innocent' and 'playful', not as 'immature' or 'idiotic'…stating that it was the chance for a connection to be established between them.

If he had any doubts that this is his letter, this introduction diminishes all of them.

Was this competition—a competition he himself recalls with fondness now—really the opportunity he and Sasha needed to stop their constant insults towards each other and start a healthier and more productive friendship?

Was this what started it all?

The reconciliation, the jokes, the quiet and meaningful conversations? The deeper feelings which he can't even place at a specific moment…were they a result of building up that started the moment they shook hands?

 _Well, it's time for me to give you the explanations you deserve. The explanations I wish I had the courage to give you face-to-face. It's time to tell you how important you are in my story. And I'll do it in this letter, which is all for you…Jean Kirstein._

"If only. If only she _had_ talked to me face-to-face. If only…"

"What would you have done then?" Levi interrupts with an irritated voice, making Jean divert his eyes from the letter and focus them on the other man. "Would you have accepted it so easily? Would you have accepted her secrecy, her true past, the lies she was forced to tell to conceal everything?"

"Levi! None of us know how we would have reacted under different circumstances." It's something similar to what Hanji asked Jean after he read Zeke's letter, about whether the true source of his anger was Sasha's past or the fact that she didn't open up to him about it.

The female Commander can't help but compare it to Reiner and Bertholdt: the initial denial of the former members of the 104th when they started suspecting the truth, the following horror as they fought against them, their tears during the battle of Shiganshina, the accepting of Reiner being imprisoned instead of taken down, and the silent agreement that, no matter what has transpired, they used to be comrades and friends.

She has reached the conclusion that one of the reasons behind Sasha's secrecy was the fact that no one would believe her; at least not before the exploration of the Jaeger basement and the discovery of the truth that altered everything, the truth about the nation across the ocean. And even if Sasha had opened up, with the way things work in the military and the secret alliances, Hanji doubts she would have been allowed to continue with her plan. Sasha would be likely thrown into a dungeon, she would be trialed, and any plan she had in mind, anything she has entrusted Jean with, would likely never see the light.

 _How important you are in my story…_ Jean meanwhile rereads this particular sentence, trying to imagine what Sasha means. Is she referring only to whatever she has assigned him? Or, which is more likely and more terrifying, to the importance he had in her general story, in her life here in Paradis and everything they shared together for almost a decade? He treated her so badly at the beginning, he's genuinely ashamed of how he treated her, but Connie assuring him that she never held a grudge for this has made something click in him…something that worsens the tremble of his hands and makes heat rise to his face.

Not to mention the way she addresses him: it doesn't have the disdain Sasha had in Zeke's letter or the angry warnings she included in Eren's one…her words hold tenderness and something bittersweet, almost as if she feels sorry that he has to go through this.

"Jean?"

"I'm okay. I'm okay, Commander. I can go on."

 _For three years in the Cadet Corps I watched you being determined to excel in everything. Constantly angry or broody, snapping at everyone, especially a certain suicidal maniac (not that I blame you for that). We loved challenging each other, never letting the other's words without reply; you would call me names, insult my abilities as a soldier and yell at me for my constant hunger, while I would scold you for your rude behavior. All this gave me a sense of normalcy without the threat of Marley in my head…yet normalcy not in a content way like the girls did, but rather in a refreshing way that made me combative, taking your insults into consideration and turning them into a motive to be a better soldier._

 _So when I lost that cooking challenge and I fell on the ground sobbing, crying not only for the competition but also for the end of a playful moment I had, I expected you to boast for your victory and rub it in my face. But instead, you took my hand, smiled at me and gave me the most fitting consolation you could give me at this moment._

"Fitting? I _thought_ it was fitting too, but whenever I remembered it afterwards, I thought it was ridiculous!"

"What _did_ you tell her, Jean?" Hanji wants to know, interested curiosity coloring her words, although her smile is genuine as she sees the formerly bitter and suspicious Jean losing himself in memories that are clearly pleasant for him.

"And don't worry, the entire situation was ridiculous, how much worse could you have made it?" Levi retorts while rolling his eyes, almost as if he sees the arrogant fifteen-year-old bastard Jean used to be and not the nineteen-year-old man who is barely holding it together as he allows the memory of that night to overwhelm him…as he shares it with the two people in this room.

* * *

 _Jean has won the cooking competition, Pixis declaring him the winner thanks to his mother's recipe and the gift she sent him; a gift that brought back all sorts of childhood memories, pleasant and negative, yet with his mom's kindness always present even when he started acting like a brat towards her. He is in a somewhat tranquil state, almost shocked, one would say, oddly calm compared to how determined he was while he cooked. It doesn't have that much to do with his winning, he thinks now, but mostly with feelings of inner peace and gratitude; even now that he is a soldier, even after hiding his thoughts behind a mask of arrogance and rudeness, his mother is there, protecting him, guiding him even through something like a cook-off. It's a reassuring conclusion that makes him feel safe and he allows himself to offer Armin a faint smile, the blond placing a hand on his shoulder and giving him a thumbs-up, looking honestly happy and proud._

 _All of a sudden, he leaves a startled gasp at the sound of a girlish shriek filled with confusion and bitterness; after turning around he spots Sasha running towards the Commander of the Garrison, furiously slamming her hands on the table and persistently asking him how her high-quality cooked meat could lose. Pixis—whose soberness Jean is seriously doubting given the man's red cheeks and all-too-cheerful smile—goes on explaining how meat is simply meat, nothing more and nothing less. It sure as hell doesn't make sense to the fifteen-year-old boy, nor to Connie and Reiner, who helped Sasha prepare her meal…but it seems that the Potato Girl got the message, for she falls on her knees the next second with a shout of pure and raw sadness; something Jean never thought he would see on her._

 _"_ _I was such a fool!" she cries out, holding on the tablecloth like a life-line, and Jean actually feels the impulse to yell at Pixis for his audacity to simply walk away, completely ignoring her breakdown. "I completely overlooked the carrots and potatoes I've relied on up 'till now. I tried to win by simply roasting meat!"_

 _Jean, still in that peaceful state, didn't even think until now how he would act towards her should he win. Certainly the normal reaction for him would be to boast, to never let her live it down how the gluttonous Potato Girl lost in a cook-off against him. Bur now, seeing her like this, he scolds himself for these thoughts; he can barely believe it himself because of their previous bickerings, but the sight of her crying like that is something he doesn't like at all…hell, he even feels guilty about it, considering himself partly responsible for her tears._

 _It doesn't suit her. That's not the Sasha he knows. The Sasha he knows has a permanent smile on her face, pulls pranks on everyone and is all in all a ray of sunshine, just like the sunlight that starts illuminating the main yard, signaling the fact that they've been up all night for this contest. A contest that started to resolve an argument between two foolish teenagers and ended up being a personal battle._

 _And is it even worth it?_

 _Seeing an innocent girl cry her eyes out makes him realize the true stupidity of this whole thing…he can't even properly enjoy his victory._

 _But what can he do to console her, when he has become known for his bad people skills?_

 _Maybe if he spoke in her own terms…_

 _"_ _There's no need to be embarrassed." He chooses to say in the end, approaching her with careful steps in order not to scare her, and offering her a hand as a gesture of reconciliation and comfort._

 _Sasha looks up, surprised by the kind tone of his voice, and he can't help the soft and sweet smile that appears on his face. Maybe it's due to that peaceful sensation that courses through him, maybe it's the warmth of the sun that falls on his back and illuminates his features, but this smile is a genuine one; not mocking, not sarcastic, just a true smile directed at the girl with the teary eyes that's staring at him, almost as if she is wondering if he truly wants to help her feel better._

 _"_ _You aren't the only one…who just roasted their dish." Jean adds, but not in a teasing way; he sounds gentle, far gentler than Sasha has ever heard him; in fact, far gentler than anyone in the military has ever heard him._

 _He is surprised himself, by his lack of any intension to mock her for losing and by his willingness to make her smile and, indirectly, to make it clear that their irrational arguments lie in the past, having faded away just like the night of their cook-off has faded away. Whatever the reason, though, and no matter how idiotic his words may sound to an outsider, he truly means them, and as he smiles at the Potato Girl, he can feel an entirely new light shining in him, a warmth that has nothing to do with the bring rays of the sun._

 _And, apparently, the girl kneeling down can feel it as well, for she doesn't slap his hand away, she doesn't yell at him to leave her alone, she doesn't insult him. No, she simply leaves a small sob and utters, "I'm sorry, Jean," accepting the hand he is offering her._

 _"_ _It's fine," he chuckles lightly, clasping her hand in his and not letting it go for several moments. Now the warmth is overwhelming him, it's almost unnatural, like a glow enclosing him and Sasha, preventing reality from interfering. "Come on, on your feet," he helps her to stand up, still holding her hand for some seconds more before withdrawing it. "Dry those tears, okay? They don't suit you."_

 _Sasha leaves a broken and teary laughter, slowly calming down, as if she too sensed that warm bubble around them and she is not willing to land back to the real world. She does as he advised her, though, wiping away her tears with her wrists and even giving him a smile that's not quite happy, but more content and sweet, like a silent promise between them to work more on the way they challenge each other from now on._

 _If he weren't so afraid of his own reactions, if he weren't so terrified of his communication skills, Jean would have liked to show her his wish for reconciliation more openly: for example by ruffling her hair to make her laugh or even by giving her a hug to apologize for the way he's been treating her until now. But he won't; he doesn't want things to go from comfortable to awkward and he senses that they've only just begun to mend fences; it's too soon for such gestures. For now he simply basks in the glow of the warm morning and in the positive feelings that are being reflected from him as he turns his back to Sasha and absentmindedly stares at the courtyard._

 _Maybe a visit home doesn't sound like such a bad idea after all._

* * *

 _It was funny, it was comforting and it was so friendly that I couldn't push you away and yell at you like I usually did whenever you talked to me. So I apologized and accepted the handshake…and as you laughed and told me it was fine, it was like a new light around us. Like we could move on as comrades and friends who would challenge and yet support each other. And I know you felt this too. You don't like to have others speak for you and your thoughts, but, instinctively, at that moment, I could feel the same realization from your side._

"So she felt it too. I had sensed it back then, but…at first I wondered why she didn't yell at me, but then…"

"But then you had the same feeling, didn't you? That this competition taught you to move on and base your relationship on a new foundation." Hanji helps him explain, now her amused smile having been replaced by a kinder one, almost as if she got transferred to that moment, to the memory Jean just shared with her and Levi.

She throws a side glance at the Captain, who is shaking his head due to Jean's narration and mumbling about how the hell not-being-the-only-one-with-a-roasted-dish could seem like a proper way of comfort to his subordinate. To Hanji, though, it sounds perfectly innocent and playful, just like Sasha described the cook-off at the beginning of Jean's letter; after all, they were only fifteen years old, they had just come out of a challenge and both of them felt that air of reconciliation and teenage awkwardness while seeking new ways to get along.

"So this _was_ the start." Jean murmurs, speaking mostly to himself and not to his two superiors, his amber eyes focused on the parchment in his hand, his thoughts incoherent in his head as he attempts to put them in order. "I mean, of course I knew it was the start for both of us, but…to learn how much she valued that…"

And Sasha doesn't even mention his previous behavior in an accusatory way. Instead of telling him what an idiot he was, or openly scold him like she did with Eren, she gives him her own perspective on how he called her names and provoked her, saying that it was refreshing for her. Maybe this has its roots to the harsh treatment she received as a trainee spy in the Marley military? Maybe she compared his insults to the insults she would hear as a little girl? Maybe, in the end, she instinctively sensed that his insults towards her didn't mean her actual harm?

But then again, _what_ did those insults mean? Because as Jean is thinking about it right now, he can't find a single valid reason for the way his verbal attacks were directed towards Sasha. Surely he was an arrogant brat back in the Cadet Corps, and Sasha seemed to be asking for mockery because of her insufferable gluttony, her constantly good mood and the pranks she played on everyone. But why the freaking hell did that matter to him? Why did he pick on her on a daily basis instead of letting her express herself however she wanted without being bothered by her antics?

 _And since when is humor and kindness a bad thing, anyway?_ He asks himself now, recalling how, with careful behavior and slow progress, things improved between him and Sasha and how he started laughing at her jokes instead of telling her to shut up like he used to. How, as things inside the walls grew darker, he started appreciating her optimism and her smiles more and more, like the Survey Corps had their own ray of light; the same light that engulfed him after the cook-off. And how, in the end, he grew so fond of these smiles that he couldn't even bear to see Sasha troubled or melancholic, considering it wrong and unnatural.

This is the image of Sasha he wants to carry in his mind as he continues reading his letter. The image of her smiling and being joyful…not the sullen Marley spy who believed there was no other way for her except keeping everything a secret.

 _And then I watched you change, put aside the scared part of you that wanted to live safely in Wall Sina, and become a leader for all of us. Still afraid, of course, but willing to defeat this fear in order to do what you thought was right. I watched you struggle with grief and guilt…and that's when I truly concluded that I could make a difference in this war. If you didn't allow your best friend's death to render you more afraid…if you used his memory to find the strength to join the Survey Corps…why should the thought of a nation across the ocean stop me from doing what I thought was right?_

"Is she serious?" Jean exclaims, scaring Hanji and bringing Levi out of his calm and almost blank trance. "She makes it sound like it was easy for me…changing and battling my fears!"

"You sure about that?" The Captain retorts, rolling his eyes like he wants to say that Jean's a total moron. "Because from the way _I_ read the letter, she pretty much sounds like she understood how hard it was for you."

"Maybe it's the letter that gives you this impression. Sometimes things that are written seem more emotionless and distant than they would if they were spoken. But I have to agree with Levi, Jean. Sasha knew how difficult this process was for you and she simply needed to focus on how you inspired her to defy her Marley training." Hanji nods, her almost motherly voice attempting to ease the young man's frustration, even though she knows that her words will probably fall on deaf ears.

"How I inspired her to defy her Marley training…how I inspired her to join the Scouts?" Jean stutters, recalling Hanji's letter, where Sasha pretty much implied that something happened that gave her the strength to turn her back to the MPs and enlist to the Scout Regiment instead, but insisted that it was a story for another letter. He suspected that, maybe, their talk before the choosing ceremony gave her the final incentive, but to think that perhaps his gradual change due to Marco's death was what first gave her the idea…

If she looked up to him so much indeed…that makes his initial thoughts of anger even worse. To think that she valued his opinions and he was ready to condemn her as a traitor to Paradis…

His guilt is resurfacing in waves, but he has no choice; he has to go on and find out more about his exact role in how Sasha betrayed Marley.

 _So I joined the Scout Regiment with you… determined to betray Marley…and determined to follow you to the shores of the island and beyond if necessary. I told you this, remember, on that evening in our new hideout when we kept watch. You laughed and said you weren't a leader…and I replied that you were everything I was seeing and imagining in a leader. I was honest, Jean. I looked up to you so much that it can't even be compared to the fear I felt towards my Marleyan superiors._

 _Falco, in case you still wonder who you remind me of…here's your answer._

"What?!"

"Hey, will you stop doing this? Finish reading already!"

"Levi! He needs to go through this, alright? We have to respect it!"

It's like Jean's mind has turned completely black; a darkness that can not be broken. His head is buzzing almost to the brink of dizziness and his knee is bouncing up and down in a crazed rhythm, although he can do nothing to stop it; not that he has the power to do anything at the moment. Cold shivers are running down his spine, he is shuddering and simultaneously he feels like he's sweating, like he's developing a fever.

He has forgotten that part, to be honest. He has forgotten that Sasha said, in Falco's letter, that someone reminded her of the little one. And now it is revealed that _he_ is this person…that throughout the seven years they spent together, something in Jean brought back memories of Falco and his character; and, from what he can remember, positive ones as well. Because Sasha described Falco as a misguided child with a good-natured attitude, composure and high morals…could this be the reason behind the parallel she made? Just like Jean tries to keep his cool in difficult conditions while holding on his moral compass as much as he can…are those traits what Sasha saw in him that made the connection with their young prisoner?

The leader she always imagined. Jean remembers that evening all too well. The Scouts had just moved to a new house they would use as temporary Headquarters and it was one of those rare, quiet moments for the Recon Corps, when they had time for themselves, to relax or strategize without immediate threats. Eren was resting after an exhausting day of experimenting with his Titan form, the others were preparing dinner and Jean and Sasha were keeping watch outside, the former with his rifle ready to be used and Potato Girl with her bow and arrows, content for practicing her archery again.

It was Sasha who started to talk, softer and calmer and without her usual enthusiasm, telling him how far he had come since their cadet days and what a great leader he was developing into. Jean had indeed laughed goodheartedly at her words before commenting bitterly that, while it was a nice sentiment, it also was a false one, since he didn't feel like someone others should look up to, with his cowardice and his hesitation. Sasha, on the other hand, persisted, correcting him that what he perceived as 'cowardice' was actually composure and that his hesitation simply showed that he had a good head on his shoulders; admirable traits, according to her. She ended her speech by assuring him that everything he was afraid of, everything he doubted on himself, were the reasons why she would follow his leadership even to the lands outside the walls and beyond if it came down to that.

It had caught him off guard, her faith in him, the passionate way with which she spoke, and he remembers that, for some moments, all he could do was stare at her in a comfortable silence, her gaze not leaving his, making her point clear. He had decided to lighten the mood, had snickered and told her that compliments wouldn't give her half of his meal; but all this was only in order to conceal the pleasant feeling in his chest and the urge to thank her for believing in him.

It was a nice moment, and private, only for the two of them to cherish.

Even if it ended violently due to Hanji's arrival and the news of Pastor Nick's assassination.

Just like Sasha met her own violent demise, Jean thinks now while sighing and before continuing with the letter.

The next paragraphs, though, tear everything apart.

 _I look out of the window as I'm writing these words and stare at the grey sky that marks the dawn and the clouds that signal a storm coming._

 _Just like that day at the ocean._

 _When I broke down, crying for everything I had become, everything that could have been, the normal life I would never have the chance to fully experience. The information about Marley had been revealed in Eren's basement, the first wave of volunteers had arrived, and so I knew the battle was approaching. And, together with the battle, my time was also near. My plan had taken the way it should, it was in full motion, so I had taken the opportunity that cloudy day to sit down at the shore and admire the wild beauty of the ocean like I had never done before. To cry for everything and everyone, for my past and the future._

 _That's where you found me, Jean, and your gentle side came to surface._

 _That's when I almost confessed everything. When you hugged me and continued asking me what was wrong, I felt that burning wish to truly confess everything. But I didn't. I pushed you away, smiled at you and told you some nonsense or other about why I was crying. And I continued smiling as I watched you walk away, thinking that at least I had protected you from another shocking revelation._

There it is!

Out in the open!

The turning of the tide!

The eye of the storm!

The memory Jean has been trying to block these days, the memory that hurts him and causes him qualms, is right here, written on a piece of parchment by Sasha's hand. The obvious sign that something troubled her, the sign he should have focused more on and yet didn't…here it is, from Sasha's point of view.

Hanji looks with compassion at the nineteen-year-old; she may not have the letter in front of her, but Jean's distraught expression and the way his hand tightens in a fist doesn't leave her much room, she can guess precisely which part of the letter he has reached. She leaves a soft sigh and now she and Levi have locked eyes: an unspoken truth, an agreement not to speak, to let Jean process it in his own time.

The reason Hanji told Jean he should come to her and Levi when the time for his letter would have come.

There is no turning back now. Especially not now. Even if there _were_ , Jean is well aware that he passed it long ago. He had his chance to throw away the box of letters and pretend nothing of this ever happened. He had the chance to dismiss everything he read like a spy's pretense. But he crossed that point and now he is regretting his original attitude towards this series of letters; and no matter his fear, no matter the burning sensation that doesn't allow him to breathe properly, he can't help but get lost with every sense in that memory…recall that stormy day and everything it brought.

* * *

 _"_ _Ah, there you are, Potato Girl! You got us all worried, it's not like you to miss lunch and—Sasha?" Jean stops in his tracks, a gasp escaping his lips, eyes widened, unable to believe the sight in front of him._

 _Trying to locate Sasha isn't easy, among the tents that now decorate a small clearing near some rocks, a very short distance from the ocean. It's been one year since the remaining Scouts finally discovered the sea, new recruits have already started enlisting to their regiment and the first anti-Marley volunteers have arrived. Negotiations have begun, facts about the world beyond the ocean are being written down, customs and knowledge are being shared between the colorful mix of people that occupy the shores of Paradis and, gradually, also the lands inside the walls. It's not always easy, suspicions between the various parties run high and sometimes escalate into heated arguments, but it's a relative calm before the chaos that will no doubt eventually explode._

 _The former members of the 104th are seventeen years old. Seventeen, Jean sometimes repeats the number in his head as if he is unable to fully believe it. In another time, in another world, they would be at the bloom of their youth, excited to take their own steps, ready to grasp life and experience it fully. Yet now they feel much older than their current age, even having the impression that they're the same age with their superiors, and they are grateful for every day they are alive. It's absurd and tragic, according to Jean's humble opinion, being seventeen and grateful for being alive, but after everything they have faced in the Scout Regiment ever since they were fifteen, he knows that he_ should _feel grateful._

 _And yet despite all this, despite the constant nightmares everyone faces, the sight in front of him is unprecedented: Sasha sitting on the sand, chin jolted up, arms wrapped around her legs, shoulders shaking so violently from the sobs that she can't even breathe normally. An empty shell of how Sasha used to be, now indifferent towards everything and everyone, drowning in her sorrow, having blocked out her surroundings, not even caring about the grey sky, the wind and the ominous storm clouds that loom at the horizon, about to strike in a few hours._

 _The last time Jean saw her so panicked was after Historia's coronation and the battle against Rod Reiss's Titan, when the guilt for having killed other people consumed her and caused her to burst out. However, it's not necessary to have a vivid imagination in order to realize that this is something else, something deeper torturing her, something that has been probably building in her for some time. And it pains him, he realizes with a start as he approaches her with tentative steps; it actually pains him, seeing Sasha suffering like that, lost in her troublesome thoughts._

 _"_ _Sasha?"_

 _His voice, no matter how gentle, seems to scare her, for she abruptly turns her head to look at him, hazel eyes widening upon the realization of who has joined her and is witnessing her breakdown. Even though she quickly averts her gaze from him, and her voice is as low as a whisper, Jean still hears the horrified "Oh no" that escapes her lips, this single phrase striking him harder than a physical blow. What does her "Oh no" only mean? Does Sasha simply feel mortified that someone has caught her in such a moment? Or is it specifically because of him, because, for reasons only she knows, the last thing she wants is him seeing her in such a state? And even if he hates to admit it, even to himself, Jean has to accept that the latter is what he fears most._

 _Whatever the case, though, one thing is certain: that he can't abandon her right now, even if she doesn't talk to him about what is troubling her. Despite how bad he is at actual communication, despite his tendency for blunt honesty and not for tender compassion, he can't leave Sasha on her own, so vulnerable, so fragile, crying as if a horrible disaster has fallen over her. And so he sits next to her, though keeping a small distance to make it clear to her that he's giving her space; a presence comforting, but not overwhelming for the Potato Girl. Her breath catches in her throat for a second, like she didn't expect him to actually stay with her, or like she doesn't know how to react, but then she sighs and even takes a deeper and calmer breath, trying to control her ragged sobs._

 _"_ _I only hope there weren't bad news from home." Jean starts, mentioning the first scenario that crosses his mind, and smiles in relief when Sasha shakes her head, even though this does little to stop her crying. "Grior being a jerk towards you again?"_

 _It's the second most possible reason he can think of that could upset Sasha so much, for the Marleyan newcomer, though rude and unpleasant towards everyone, is particularly nasty towards Sasha, constantly insulting her, yelling at her or taunting her, sometimes with no specific reason. Not that Jean's past behavior towards her was better, but he never actually meant to hurt her, while Grior seems to seriously enjoy every single offense he throws at her and every frown that appears on her face because of him—in fact, Jean begins to think that Grior has some sort of sick obsession with making Sasha's days difficult, something the remaining members of the former 104th don't like at all despite Sasha being able to defend herself with witty remarks and pleasant smiles._

 _Why Grior seems to despise Sasha so much, Jean is still trying to understand, although he suspects that it has to do with the way Nicolo has softened towards her, becoming kinder, enjoying her company and seeming grateful at the way she has accepted him and all the other volunteers from Marley. After all, Grior still considers all of them inferior devil spawns, meant to deceive them, so maybe he thinks that Sasha's bright personality is nothing but a lie? Could that be reason enough?_

 _"_ _N-No…I-I mean, he is, b-but…noth-nothing out of the ordinary." Sasha stutters, rejecting Jean's assumption that Grior is the cause for her tears. She doesn't elaborate, though, locking her gaze at the sea in front of them, cheeks having stains from the tears still flowing._

 _"_ _Well, I may have bad people skills, but a funny and compassionate Potato Girl I know has taught me how much it helps to talk about anything torturing you."_

 _Jean didn't know what purpose his comment serves; whether he made it to bring a smile on Sasha's face or encourage her to open up to him about what brought her in this state. But he definitely didn't anticipate her reaction, much less mean to invoke it; the surprised gasp that escapes her lips catches him off guard, making him look startled towards her and notice with dread that she seems even worse than she was a few moments ago. It's a pained sound, as if it hurts her physically, and the next minute Sasha leans heavily sideways, as if she is one second away from fainting on the sand, her head falling on the crook of Jean's neck. The nineteen-year-old male's amber eyes widen in silent shock at the sight of the upset girl leaning on him, her hair tickling his neck, him feeling every single tremble of her shoulder as sobs wreck Sasha's whole body._

 _"_ _Don't say that, please, never say that…anything but that…you don't understand…"_

 _"_ _Sasha, what on—"_

 _"_ _Don't! Just don't, please!" Sasha insists, burying her head even more into Jean's neck, as if attempting to hide from the world; and, as if this wasn't enough, her hand grasps his sleeve, shaking it in her panic, like a life-line and, simultaneously, like a tether binding her into a trap she can't escape from, leaving the other Scout dumbfounded and unable to say anything, locked as he is in this dramatic illusion of a hug._

 _Despite the improvement in their relationship, the hugs between them are rare, almost non-existent, and Jean can recall every single one into his mind. The first one was right after Marco's death, when he was like a lifeless body walking without a mind, and Sasha's hug was nothing more than a temporary sunshine penetrating the darkness conquering him that period of time._

 _The second one was after he recovered from his injuries, after the battle against Reiner and Bertholdt when their identities as Titan Shifters had been revealed; that time it was a spontaneous expression of relief from Sasha's side, her own way to tell him how happy she was for him being well and healthy._

 _And the third one was after the battle in Shiganshina, when_ she _got better from her severe wounds and the truth about the nation beyond the sea became known; a quiet assurance, this hug, a promise of friends sticking together and of having something constant in his life in the midst of all the overthrows._

 _But these previous hugs were nothing compared to the way Sasha is clutching Jean's arm now, to how heavily she shakes, to how she refuses to meet the nineteen-year-old man's eyes, and to her repetitive pleas not to say things like that and that he wouldn't understand. This Sasha is like a ghost of her usual self, lost to the world and consumed by…well, if Jean needs to name the emotions he is sensing from her, it would be grief and guilt, even though he can't even imagine what has triggered this reaction from her. Not to mention that, even though he hates himself for thinking like that, the fact that Sasha doesn't even want to open up to him leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, and a mix of anger and despair in his mind._

 _But of course Sasha won't trust him with what is tormenting her, given his blunt honesty and his poor skills at dealing with emotions. Why on earth would she trust someone who would probably not understand instead of someone who would effectively stand by her side?_

 _But he can't bring himself to stand up and leave her in peace. Not when she is still leaning on him like that, hiding her face in the crook of his neck, as if she is seeking for some sort of warmth and closeness in her despair. Not when this is the closest they've been in all the five years they've known each other, not when he shivers at the thought that, should he move just a bit, their foreheads would touch and the distance between them would be even less. And maybe then he could show her that he_ will _understand, that she can talk to him about whatever rendered her such a broken shell, maybe he can guide her towards a path with less grief and guilt for her._

 _He can't do that, though. He can't bring himself closer to her, not when she is in this state, not when she is obviously not thinking clearly. The only thing he_ can _do is hesitantly lift his hands, place one on the small of her back and the other on her forearm, slowly and carefully drawing small circles and unidentified patterns on them. Not because he believes she is made of glass and will break even with the slightest touch, of course not, the girl in his hug has been through hell and come out stronger and more mature. He only doesn't want to scare her more, wants to give her even the illusion of temporary safety, find a way to break the darkness in her mind for a single moment._

 _"_ _What's wrong, Sasha?" He still makes an effort, sighing when she frantically shakes her head. "What's wrong?" He repeats the question, uttering it again and again, with more and more feeling every time, doing anything in his hand to sound as convincing as possible, to make her see that she has nothing to fear of him, nothing to be ashamed of._

 _He notices Sasha opening her eyes, yet avoiding meeting his, her gaze stubbornly focused on the sand or the waves the wind causes. The storm is slowly approaching , thunder can be heard and more clouds gather in the sky the more time passes, but she doesn't seem bothered by it, or even care about getting cold, closed in her own shell, almost unfazed by the elements of nature or the boy currently holding her and asking her to trust her burdens in him. Right now Jean's despair is more intent than ever and he honestly doesn't know what to do: to shut up and embrace her silently, to show his own affection more openly to show her she isn't alone, or to go away and tell Connie to come here, with the hope that he'll help Sasha better?_

 _In the end, Sasha decides for both of them; even in this state, she is the one in control of the current situation._

 _With a ferocity that contradicts her mental pain and suffering, she pushes his arms away and raises her head in order to look at him, her lips even curling into a smile, her flushed cheeks a contrast to how pale she is, tears having left stains on her face and her breath still coming out uneven. That smile, though, the smile that usually brightens Jean's thoughts, the smile that gives him hope to face any difficulty, that same smile now appears as strange and forced to the male Scout, as if it's there simply to make him stop worry and not because Sasha genuinely feels that smile. This actually has the opposite effect of what she probably intends; instead of relaxing, his worry for her only magnifies, as does his guilt for not being good enough to comfort her._

 _"_ _Oh, Jean, don't look at me like that. I'm sorry for scaring you so much, I promise you, it's not important. You can go back to the others, I'll join you when it starts raining. Truly, I'll be fine."_

 _Jean shakes his head, clearly not believing her, for Sasha's rambling is so obviously concealing what she truly means that he doesn't even need to call her out on her pretense. It reminds him so much of his own reactions; how he blocks his negative feelings and tries to convince everyone that he's okay, that he can see behind her words immediately._

 _Unless it's truly rather insignificant and he's overthinking it because he doesn't want to see Sasha upset?_

 _But were it rather insignificant, why be upset in the first place?_

 _It's a storm of emotions in his mind, just like the stormy weather…despair, affection, fear and anger building up a wild dance in him…why can't Sasha just tell him that he can't know what she's thinking about? Why is she trying to persuade him to leave her on her own and not tell him that it's simply none of his business?_

 _"_ _Jean, truly, it's fine, just a bad moment." Sasha insists and even shoves his arm gently as if forcing him to stand up and leave. "Go back, leave me here!"_

 _He doesn't want to. Truly, he doesn't. He wants to stay here, wrap her in his arms again and continue pleading her to shed her barriers and tell him anything she wishes to, to confess to him what kind of thought tortures her to the point of uncontrollable tears._

 _But he also knows he can't do that. Not when she clearly doesn't want his presence here and not when he himself often feels the need to be isolated when tormented by nasty thoughts and overwhelming fears. Not when he fears that, should he stay, maybe he'll do Sasha more harm than good._

 _So without saying anything to her, and after leaving a loud sigh, he simply stands up, throws one last look at her slumped shoulders, and walks back to the camp with a huge weight on his shoulders._

* * *

 _I sound brave now, but I wasn't back then. Truth is, Jean, if you had stayed for a while longer, if you had insisted, if you had asked one more time, I wouldn't hold back. My control was already fading and, had you stayed with me, I would have told you everything that burdened me. I was a coward. I was afraid of how you would see me should I talk, I was afraid of the walls that my secret would build between us…and at the same time I knew that you're one of the two people I could talk freely to._

 _Because you wouldn't react like any other person. You're brave, decent and caring in your own way and yet so stubborn when it comes to your regiment and your friends. You would have listened to me and, even if you reacted angrily and hated me, I know you would agree to listen to my plan if it was beneficial for everyone._

"She would have talked to me? One more time…one more question…and…?"

His voice, a wisp of air, an illusion of sound even in such silent a room as Hanji's office.

His mind, a blank emptiness that can't comprehend everything Sasha is telling him in her letter and all the hidden meanings that are still obvious for him to see.

One more time would have been enough. If he hadn't listened to her, if he had obeyed his instinct and his wish to stay with her and show her what she meant to him and that he would listen to her…

He could have known everything for two years already. He could have known her secret past and her mission to spy on Paradis on Marley's behalf. He would have had time to process her revelations and his reactions and he would have had more time to believe and accept that she never betrayed those close to her.

And in the end, he could have protected her better than he had, keep her safe from her inner demons and her guilt.

Maybe, in the very end, she would still be alive.

If only he weren't a damn coward…if only he had asked her one more time what made her burst out like that.

His imagination is still conjuring that memory, in all its painful details…her tears, the feeling of her shaking in his arms, his growing despair at not being able to give her something to hold on…and now he finds out that Sasha _wanted_ to hold on to him, to confess everything, despite her fear at how he would react to her secrets. One of the two people she wanted to confide in and he doesn't have to be extremely intelligent to figure out who the second one is.

And yet all these speculations won't ever come true, only because he didn't stay by her side at her moment of need.

Jean doesn't know what hurts most at the moment. The fact that he could have known the truth about Sasha much sooner, or the faith she expresses for him in her letter, by calling him 'brave' and 'decent' when he knows too well that there's a long way before he can call himself worthy of those characterizations? Sasha, inspired by everything they lived these years, was certain that he'd push aside his anger at her secrecy, and focus on using the information she'd relay him for the benefit of the Survey Corps…just like he tries to do every time a challenge comes up, trying to stay objective and composed in order to figure out the best course of action.

Sasha believed in him so much, and he was ready to hate her for not telling him the truth about her past.

Desperately, briefly closing his eyes, he shakes his head, almost as if he wants to block everything and everyone, now completely ignoring his Commander and his Captain. Only the letter exists for him, the letter and the key next to him, and so, after blinking to chase away the tears that start forming in his eyes, he focuses back on the parchment.

 _And my origins and my plan to betray Marley wouldn't be the only revelations I'd have made that day to you. Because at that moment, as I fought with my entire being to keep my mouth shut, I imagined a life and a future where you knew everything. A life where I could decide my fate with no Marley threatening me…a life where I could tell you the truth and you would stay by my side. And for the first time in a long time, I could imagine a future where I would be happy. A normal woman with a normal life…the cheerful and hopeful girl I always was…the girl who challenged you to open up, the girl you inspired to improve herself. At that moment, I imagined how good my life could actually turn out to be._

 _But I was afraid. You are the only person whose reaction I truly feared. Not only in reference to me personally, I know I deserve your anger and your hatred. But also for the sake of all the playful bickerings we had, of all the strategic conversations, of all the silent, comforting moments. You had witnessed so many betrayals, so many tragedies…I had no right to cause you even more trust issues, not when you needed every single person by your side…not when we had just discovered the ocean and the scent of great change was in the air._

 _So, please, don't blame yourself. Don't start beating yourself up about what you could have done differently. Nothing of this was your fault. It was mine and only mine. Because despite the determination I had to see my plan through, I still allowed my fear and my guilt for the past to overwhelm me._

 _Pushing you away that day wasn't because of anything you had done. It was only me._

"No, no. It can't be…I could have stayed, I could have… _we_ could have…"

 _I'm not excusing myself or asking you to forgive me, I know it's too much to ask. But I owe you so much…because thanks to you I found the courage to continue with my plan even in my darkest moments, when I thought it wasn't worth it. Even if I let you get away that day at the ocean, your impact was much stronger than you give yourself credit for._

 _For the sake of everything I told you, for everything we lived and for everything you taught me, I have a last gift for you._

 _In your envelope, there's a key. If you're not Jean, don't bother to try and find out what it opens. It's only for him to find out because only he will understand the meaning behind it._

 _If you are Jean, even if it's difficult for you to believe everything I say, please follow the path I showed you with this key. Because sometimes a key is everything we need to open all answers of the world._

Here it is. Everything out in the open. The reason everyone gets on Jean's nerves by telling him to continue reading and that he needs to understand before the Scouts sink. The reason Levi told Hanji that Zeke considers Jean a threat to his plan.

And for a twisted and peculiar reason, Jean can't even react to the cryptic message Sasha left for him and him only. It doesn't come with an explosion or with some sort of fanfare; just a few words, simple and yet complicated, written on a piece of parchment by Sasha's hand. Some words over which he doesn't need to spend nights away and trouble his mind to decode them, because he already knows the answer to Potato Girl's riddle.

But not even this can bring some sort of reaction.

Silence roams in the office, Hanji even barely breathes as she watches the Commanding Officer, now truly scared for the first thing that will come out of his mouth now that he has finished his letter. Levi, more calmer than the female Commander, observes the other man with a stoic expression, yet even he can feel the shift in the air, the impression that they have reached a breaking point.

A few seconds later comes the explosion.

* * *

 **A/N: Here we go, everyone, another chapter has come to an end! :) The potential lover that got away...Seriously, I got emotional writing it and I hope you enjoy it as well! :) Next chapter will be up as soon as possible. :)**


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